gave blood yesterday and will have results posted here next friday, week from this friday see ya then. capt.

well happy new year to all who may read today's installment. going to be short. wanted to check in and let you all know i made it through the holidays. tonite being the biggest, to me. not much for the commercialization xmas has become. should be about love, love, love. maybe i am asking too much. hope mikey can get some love, love, love soon. lol. well capt signing off. p/l

well and then i think i will just stay home this new year eve. wuz hoping to be with miss B. but have not clarified that or not. i got a bottle of jaigermiester.. it is chillin in the freeze as i type. so it will be ripe in 3 days. lol. well capt checkin out for the nite. the house is lonely as shit. so is my life. it sucks. i hope this too shall pass. who knows. fuck it all. peace and love, capt.

had friends over 2 nite. was nice to be social again. went to a party last nite.. wuz the only straight male there. so that was a thriller. got some free drinks and free shrimp and left. lol. it is the holidays now...

today not much happened. bengals lost...lost thier chance for post season as well. oohwell.. life is still kinda lonely. i need a new book to read. codependent no more. might work for me. will order it on the library web site. still not sure about south. still not sure about life. still have not seen miss B. since i have been back. been about 2 days now. and did not see her much before i left. who knows about that.

what else did i think of...oh and how women in this world only like you if you have money. i think this society pushes that. and it sucks. for sure. i am really pissed at the world rite now. and just sick of life rite now. hope this too shall pass. will check back maybe when i am in a better mood. capt signing off. peace and love.

so i thought about life here and life there. and it would be lonely down there. and i would have to work my dick off...but the money would be good. but i hate to sell out for that. but it looks better than being poor and maybe ladies like miss B would be more attractive to me. i am a person with no money and a disease. not a very good prospect for a life partner. so screw this city and im outta here. probably.

just got back from trip down south to see fam. in tampa. where to begin at. well first starters i think i will probably be moving down there. it turns out that the little lady i was pursuing here in town, found out how poor i really am...and she does not want anything to do with me. i feel. she did not return calls on christmas...not that that matters...lol. still wont take my calls. well may be better off any way. did nothing but think on the road trip. had not much else to do. not much conversation with 1 person. just traveling with my CD's and we made the trip in about 13 hours. with a lay over in georgia somewhere. paid for a 8 hour nap. hit the road this a.m. at 4. so i was home early in the day.

life sucks and it's aftermath does too.

well today i am in florida, alone. yes family is here. but i still feel alone. still think they would like to have me down full time. just don't feel right. and coming down here drove down alone. and was really alone at the hotel room. well another reason i am down. is this special girl in town would prefer to remain goodfriends instead of getting more serious. she is going through a divorce and maybe we could be more after her divorce, but i don't feel that she likes me that way. i am care deeply for her and could give her love like she never has before. but i am a poor person and do not think any women would like to date or even see some one that is poor like me. i am crazy for her and know i could give her love like she never had before. she has 1 husband that beat her. that is just as bad a child abuse in my eyes. no man should ever hit a woman. period. well tonite i am feeling more and more alone in this world. i will have to trudge on. peace and love, capt signing off.

capt here checking in. i am feelin the zoester today. she will be missed many days. i don't think i was on here much the week she died. she went peacefully in her sleep. and then the day after her service there was an aurora seen in the skies this far south. in ky. there was even a picture of it from florida. it was on the astronomy website today. it was submitted from FL. kinda cool. so i wanted to make sure i had this in my log. i know the whole USA or more saw the aurora, but it was like Zoe telling me she would be ok and that i will be ok. you see from my blog address, i am a big space fan. space cadet. so the aurora being seen that close to her death. i can only see it as a sign from her. well that was it for now. peace and love to all. capt.

not much else is happening here. i am slowly going through my house and clearing it up. what a hassle. still not sure about the future. i am almost back to going to florida now. last week it was to stay home in louisville and go on. may be get my MLS but today and some more this week, i am like f@@@@@ this place. i am outta here. and go work and be a laborer for awhile. i do not have much to offer the opposite sex...as any way of income... so i am not sure what i need to do, or what i will even do. well journey on. capt signing off.

pick myself off of the floor and go on.

at the moment i am ok. just ok. i am eating and having dinner at the table. that was 1 of the hardest things to do. you see my wife came back from so much before. she truly over came a lot in life to get this far. it is just the fact that she did not make it this time...hard to deal with. some of the people that i called that day were shocked...that it actually happened this time. and she will not be coming home from the hospital any more. and i will not get any more midnight runs for chinese. no midnight ice runs...no midnight white castle runs...what will i do.???

going down next week for some fun in the sun. hope to god it is warmer this time. last month, it was a bit chilly some. too much so. my fam in florida likes the cold for the holidays. screw that. i did not go down there to have it snow on me. i will have to pack a jacket at least this time. going to be house sitting for 1 sis and visiting with the other. i guess it will be nice to get away for the christmas holiday. i feel some what like i am running away from something here. i need to deal with that. and it will hit me next month at home.

i have my moments. my bro in law lost his mother today. so it kinda opens my wound a little bit more. i will survive. all i know is that i miss my wife. as you can image. the house is still so quiet. will take some time to get used to it.

each day gets easier and at the same time it gets harder.

well enough rambling for 1 day. peace and love to all. capt.

this is a major step in my life and i would not to rush into things. or anythings for that matter. that is about the only thing i am sure of...weather sucks here. that is for sure. east seattle. we never see the sun in the winter time. it bites. i am off to dinner with my old boss. get me out of the house... at least. went by the cemetary and saw the gang last week. was not too bad. as bad as i thought. you know it is true nothing is ever as bad as it seems. at least not for me. i am big worrier. big time. big time. runs in the fam. genes i thinik.

well i am back. for a little bit today. i am kinda at a lost...as you can image. i am not sure what to do with my life now. i will def keep you posted. i am missing my wife now. it was kind a sad day. not much to do...phone rings way too infrequent... way too frequent. i would not be missed here, i feel. and not missed down south yet, becuase they always miss me. would be nice to be around my nieces and nephew in florida...but there is so much here for me. i think i should do what i can on my own. never used to doing the "group" think way. i hate to be told what to do...unless i am working of course.

well enough from here for now. if i get depressed, and i am sure i will when this chick tells me she can not get involved with me due to me going to florida. well there will be others...i hope. thinking of changin my email name to CAPTBIOHAZ, or CAPTLATEX.... see ya, p/l miquel.

so family wants me down there right away. then this hot ass chick wants me up here...what to do...what to do... i will keep you all posted...if anybody is reading this.

well then my bro in law offers me this sweet ass position with his company down in florida. would be tough work, but would be just the ticket i need to get my ass back in the swing of things. and into work as well. i am leaning towards taking it. but then this girl from my past, did not date her. but she calls me 1 day before the funeral. and i was like DAMN. and we had dinner last nite together. i am on top of the world right now. will it hit me 1 day...who knows. i am right now, this instant so happy, that i am not sure how to cope with it. have not been this happy in years, and years.

zoe now has been gone about 3 weeks, and i have not had time to mourn her yet. that is why i think it will hit me sooner, or later. the holidays coming up will be no fun. i am at a loss for words. the paper here wrote up a little tribute yesterday for her. since i was doing an WORLD AIDS day speech, they mentioned that, and then about her passing. they are nice folks. i wonder if the locals are tired of hearing about me. naw.

well i am back. from where i do not know. yes i do, i wuz in florida with family for turkey day. first time in like 20 years or so, that my sisters and i were together. it was a nice day all around. all nieces and nephew and the rest of the family.

well i am doing alright so far. waiting for it to hit me, still.

well still my life will not be the same. it won't be for some time now. i hope to feel better, and maybe even have a girlfriend 1 day. who knows. i am sure there are some out there that would not mind going out with someone with HIV, but i am special. i don't think there are even that many men who would treat their women so fine. i am sure. well i am lonely now. and there is no turning back now. i do hope i feel better soon. but it will not be soon enough. capt signing off...peace and love.

well it has been over 1 week now that i lost miss zoe. i am missing her now. i am now off and spending some time with the family in florida. i am doing alright, i guess. just not used to having this much time for myself. it was a nice funeral. she would have been proud, i hope. play REM you are the everything, and third eye blind, how's it going to be. and then 3 other songs. it was nice. i truly believe that her kidneys failed that day. so she is no longer suffering. she would be in pain, i know that.

so now there are 3 bodies, actually 4 over at cave hill. you see we have had her dads' ashes with us for the last 7 years. and his ashes will be placed into her urn...this was one of her last wishes...i am hoping she does not haunt me. lol. she was a remarkable woman and she touched many lives while she was with us. they don't make too many of her. she is my new angel up above. hope she will help me in my life. until next time. capt signing off. p/l

well where to begin at. my wife died yesterday. have not been in the mood to come back here for awhile. i feel like i have talked with the whole city about her and what happened. she passed away in her sleep and went peacefully as we all would like to do so...she will be sorely missed. nov 13, 2003 another anniversary to remember. no fun...been quiet around the house as you might image...fisrt month will be the hardest, i think. as for my health, well i am alright physically at least. my tcells are at the highest point ever while i have been infected. and my hiv viral load, i hope is still undetectable. i should get those results next week. have not been in a rush to get those back...

not sure what else to share with you all tonite...just soon to be me...i am sure i will be back...until then...capt signing off.

if so then, that is that...she has fought the good fight...then there were 3. 3 of what you say...3 of them at the mighty big cavehill in the sky...you see myself and zoe and my brother and uncle jerry are all buried or have plots at the best damn cememtary in the nation, if not the world....called cavehill in lousyvill, ky. so if my wife is going soon, there will be 3 buddies to visit when you go for a stroll through the woods on the grounds...

she has not given any blood as of late...for any results to get back for her...i am not sure if she is aware of her surroundings....but then over the weekend...she wanted to phone a lot of friends to say goodbye or so...she did talked to her daughter for about an hour. which was good. i was wondering all the time if this is the last phone call that candice will get from her mother...made ya stop and think...thought the same thing when she came home this past weekend in ambulance. might this be the last time she comes home...

how is the world today??? who knows.. it has been awhile since i checked in.. thought i would jot down some thoughts. the misses came home last week from the hospice center. came home on wednesday with the intentions of dying at home. she has stopped all meds, except the ones to keep her comfortable. she sleeps even more so now..weeks, if days.. but who knows.. she has rebounded before...we can only hope from this point on.... just what the lord of the rings is about...never lose hope...

having a bad moment at this time. zoe might be coming home. which would be great, don't get me wrong. i am quite releive that she is doing so well. kinda shocked as well. but i will take the good with the bad. not much else is going on. i did my talk today. talked to group of about 30 persons about safe sex and hiv. then i was approached about speaking on Dec. 1, 03, for world AIDS day. get to tell my story again for that day. i don't know, i am just burnt out or something. i will check in when i am in a better. peace and love, and journey on. capt.

mentally and physically exhausted, the capt...

what will i do with out her...well who knows.. i would like to start on my masters...need to take GRE and try for MLS...it will be a strange new world..zoe and i have been together for over 10 years now... or close to it...my bro was going to and did invite her on our trip to DC in 1992... to see the quilt...i get that heavy heart feeling just talking about it...i hope to sleep tonite...well kevin did want us to get together at 1 point in life...then he went off and died...now she is close to joining him...in the big cavehill in the sky...there will be memories galore in this city after she leaves us...i might just have to leave town...for sure...for awhile anyway...not sure about my meds when and if i go. the system drags you into it..and sucks on you until you are dry... so it will be hard...but no one ever said life was a carnival right...until next time...capt signing off.. c ya.

tonite she is resting and has been since 7pm... maybe get hospice in tomorrow...thinkin about putting her in a hospice center for 5 days or so...give me some time away.. is that selfish??? who knows... i know i need some time away from this maddness.. tha is my life...stay tuned.. i am sure i am going to be lost for some time with out her...and it is looking more and more like that...got that news today...doc thinks we will see nothing but steady decline from here on out...well you guys out there...get busy living...that is for sure...i need a day at the beach...with some heinken...my sis always keeps me in stock with those...get some ready...

well where to begin at.. for 1 hospice did not come over today, like they said, frick..i blame myself for letting it get this far along.. kinda was hoping to get some help today..well it figures, you hear nothin but good things about hospice, until you need them.. they did have the wheelchair delivered..she did not use it today..and she is getting more and more nonresponsive..my heart is heavy with the thought of losing her..she has battled back from so much...ya just kinda get used to it..this time looks different...going to be hard the first month..first year...like the movie shawshank redemption.."get busy diing..get busy living..." luv that movie...it is thought like that that help me along with this journey..

she is resting now. seems like she has been taking some naps as of late. i am doing alright i guess. hangin in there as good as it can get with calling in hospice for your spouse. we are supposed to be in the local paper here, and it might end up being her OBIT. we will have to see. she is a strong woman and will continue to amaze people. she has been down before. and yes one of those times was with me, again in october. lost my bro to october, and wonder if this month will take another loved one of mine. i will begin to despise this month, even though the colors are spectacular this year. it seems every october is spent either mourning, or enjoying the colors of fall.

the real work may begin this week. the nurses and other staff are coming to start coming by. we will see how this goes. the LCSW asked if we like music and is sending over the music therapist, i guess to sing, KUM BY YA, let's hope not.

Yes Hospice, table for 2 down front

until next time... peace and love, capt. out.

today is the day. i called in hospice today and we are having an intake interview tomorrow. today i am at my wits end. not a good day. my wife is falling all over the place still. this is even after more enulose into her today. hospice said it might take some time to get the OK from her doctor, but they got it today. since zoe is so bad off. and i have been dealing with this for far too long. like the jesus christ superstar song, "the end is almost here, little left to do, after all i have tried for 3 years, seems like 30"...well you know the rest of it, just be thankful that you did not hear it in my voice. lol..

well gtg..off to my dinner.. peace and love, capt. out...

my wife is about the same...she has her good days and bad days..today was a bad day..as she stumbled through store for tonight's dinner, when she will not even be a awake for it.. her ammonia levels are pretty high today.. saw some one else in the HIV community today and he is dealing w/skin cancer..like all these people that were saved with the HAART era..then they get hit with other even worse diseases than HIV. i am still doing well, still on the 1 week on/1 week off. like that and still 100% with the meds.. you need to be with this disease.. this person i saw at the clinic last week or so..she saw my labs and was like amazed to see under 50 viral load...she has went to get there, except for one time.. i tried to enlighten her with some blood work numbers and what they mean.. not a doc on TV, just play 1 in real life..

hello again. i am back after some time away from here...not much else new here... did get DSL line in the mean time. been doing a lot of surfin..down load LOTR trailer, in 2 minutes or less. ...real nice to get my time back..don't think i could use dial up again..

and IMPEACH BUSH for his lies to the american people.

she is sad now. reflecting on her life almost. i can see it in her. she is quiet at times during the day and i think she is reflecting. she mentioned also the other day that she was mad at herself for getting herself into a position to acquire these diseases. i try to tell her that regret is not a good emotion. but she listens so little. well gtg. till next time. go CARDS!!!!!!!!!!

the misses is still about the same. not much improvement. she is eating some more now. she is just starting to realize how sick she is. i think. with in the last 2 weeks, she has mentioned that she does not want to die yet. and i don't want her either to die. and today she mentioned about her liver being shot to hell...and what if anything she can do about it. i don't think she can do much. we see doc on the 10th and will know more then. she did get out today to give blood. i made her do that at least.

i am back. wanted to check in. i got my last blood work this week. it was given on sept. 8, 03. shows HIV undetectable and my HEPC is still the undetectable. yippeee. it has been 16 months since interferon for the HEPC and now on 3 months, closer to 4 months on the 1 week on/1 week off regiment for my HIV.

well that is about it for now. i am still waiting to get my last blood work. so i am hoping that the STI is still working. doc told me that she has another patient on this routine and he has been able to maintain it. so i am off tomorrow to get a copy. my wife got a summon to go to jury duty. i am going to get a doc note to get her out of it, i think. peace and love, capt.

misses is doing alright. she was having a some what off day today. she is not making much sense when she talks. i do not know what to do. she sees the doc again on the 10 of october. hoping she will see her sooner or so. she is almost different each day. not sure how she is going to wake up. what zoe do we have today. i pumped her full of the enoluse today and still she was just rambling when she spoke tonite. she is resting quietly now. she took her evening pills and was asleep by 930pm or so.

we actually got a call from her daughter last nite. it was good to hear from her. zoe said that she did not want to talk to her. i handed her the phone anyway. so they ended up talking for about 20 minutes or so. should i say candice listened and tried to make sense of her mother for about 20 minutes.

hello people. i am doing alright. today we had a 2 and half hour interview with the local paper here. it was quite interesting. we should be in the paper here on sunday of next week or so. soon. about AIDS and relationships and how to have them. 21 lessons from our life. lol. not really.

well enough about that. my wife is sleeping as she has been doing as of late. she takes a nap in the afternoon and does not get out of bed until the next day. she tires easily. i am doing alright i guess. i should get my blood work back this week. still on the STI and doing well. enough. feels like my neuoropathy is coming back more so. as of late. my fingers get numb. not every day, but some days. more so than others. well not much else is going on. at least football season is in high gear and that helps my mental state of mind. and the lousville cardinals are doing quite well. thank god. peace and love. capt signing off.

well i am back to check in. and i wanted to say that prez. bush lied to us about IRAQ and i hope that the people of the united states will see that and not vote to reellect him. please. he is doing nothing on AIDS abroad or at home. he instead would rather kill innocence people in foreign lands. and say that this killing is for the terrorist that killed our people on 9/11. america needs to awake up and not vote for him. please. for his plegde for AIDS in the 3rd world. was even slimmed down from 3 billion a year, to 250 million a year. kinda makes you think that his heart is not really in this. and for the ryan white bill in the states, he has only flat funded that for next year. shit man wake up. AIDS is still a killer. please call your congressperson and tell them to increase the funds.

just me and the dog, cat and recently added beta fish to the family. no more animals. not that their bad or anything. only bright spot about the misses condition is that i can sit and watch 12 hours of college football and she does say anything to me. lol.. well gtg. my meatloaf is done. c-ya and peace and love, capt.

not much else going on. waiting for my meatloaf to be cooked. another meal alone at the table. think i should get used to that or something. or might get used to it. i think it would be better for me, at the dinner table, if she was not in the house. dinner time feels a little more lonesome when she is home and i am eating alone. i know ya can understand.

she is sleeping now. almost have to sedate her myself. she wants or did want to go out today. she was not in any condition to go out today. give her an "A" for effort. she is a strong fighter. and now she will need all of her strength. and some for me as well. lol.

well how is everyone tonite? we are doing well. at least i should say i am doing well. bad day for the misses. she fell about 3 times. her back is now scratched up from falling. we see doc next friday, she might not be able to wait. might be another run to the hospital this week. we are still w/no car. did rent one this weekend. just to get some fricken groceries.

hopefully we will get our new wheels tomorrow. who knows. probably, mechanic got it today and found that there was way too much shit wrong with it. that would be the kicker. well stay tuned. gtg. off to the spade tables. peace and love, capt.

other than that, life is shit. not really, this too shall pass. i know it deep down. if not in my soul.

we both see doc on the 12th of the month. i am still on the STI. and will be giving blood tomorrow if not on monday. you see the family is with out a car, as of late. and i refused to get on public bus with my piggly wiggly bags. so we have been shut ins. and the weather is just now getting to be that time of year, when it is a crime to be inside.

how to you bring up the point with your doctor about your spousing needing hospice. this next week ought to be fun. i am going to slowly approach the subject with my wife. she has fallen 3 times today alone. she does not fall every day, just every other day or so. not sure how often truly.

was at the fair this week, twice to entertain the misses. she likes the fleamarket crap. i just look at the other toothless, barefoot kentuckians and laugh. did get some free stickers from NASA. they had a booth there for the first time. i was thinkin, isn't that what state fairs are about. every body gets free stickers. also i think every state that has a state, it draws out the finest folks of the state. lol. notice how even New York, and California hates the small town, but if you went to their state fairs, you would see their own small towns. well i hope you get my point.

gtg. hope all is well for ya.

hello world. checking in for another day. we are doing alright. although the misses has been sleeping a lot lately. new drugs again. hopefully this too will pass. we are between automobiles, for the umpteenth time in our life. would give almost anything to have a reliable car. is that too much to ask for from this life. shit.

well almost football season, thank god.

wife is now asleep. she has been staying up for days on end it seems. they gave her some thing to ease her mind today. i am hoping it clears up her thoughts. she dwells on the past, badly. so you all out there in cyber space, remember, do not dwell on the past, especially if it hurts you. like the musical RENT, live with regret and you miss out. something like that.

well upgraded to XP with a new pc last month. i may have mentioned this already. i am diggin big time the online games. i am addicted to the spades game. just having some hard time getting intermediate players. should not be that hard. well gtg. p/l, capt out.

well i am back after some time away from here. my wife did get out of the hospital. we are not sure what is going with her now though. she is some times with us mentally and other days she is not. she has her moments. stay tuned. i am doing well. still on the interruption therapy for now. see doc on 12 of sept and will know more then. i am going to continue with the drug vacation for now. i am getting used to it.

and i am not an optimist. although slowly the word "hope" is coming more and more into my vocably. it is highly written about in the lord of the rings. maybe that is why i like them so much.


well i am done rambling for the nite. peace and love to all. capt.

but to see her respond like she has gives one hope. the day may come where she leaves the living. who knows. we are will meet that fate. i am reading a good book that my sister recommended. it is i "if i make it to five". about how adults can get inspiration from the kids of this world. it is written by a doc who deals with kids and their brain tumors. not much joy could be found in that line of work. but the book is just the opposite. i highly recommend. i do not have kids, but i am drawing it for inspiration for my dealings with my wife.


i am lucky enough to have a wife who loves me unconditionally. she thanked me tonite, like thank you for being there. it is nothing short of what she would be doing for me, if the roles were reversed. i hope to think that all spouses would do the same.

todays reflections

well about this time ealier yesterday i was thinking that my wife might never come home. well today it is a new story. our doc gave her something yesterday in the late a.m. and she was about normal last nite we i went into see her. yesterday afternoon i was lowering the a snakes belly. it was bad. the doc came in today and even she was blown away by her condition. rebound i should say. to experience the worse and expect, when just the opposite happens is overwhelming. as i left today she was up beat and pretty much able to hold a conversation. yesterday a.m. and friday nite was a disaster. the great doc gave her 1 drug and she was able to bounce back with that. we guess that it will now be part of her daily regiment. she is such a miracle. although myself i do not beleive in miracles or prayers. what will be will be....

more news from the front

well my wife has taken a turn for the worse, i feel. it as if she might have had a stroke this week, or something. i do not think it is due to her ammonia levels. today she was just rambling on about her life in new york, and not making any sense. i have the word i was thinking about for the people in the ER. they have the look of despair on their faces. we all do. i have been to the edge and looked over. and it is no fun.

more news at another time. p/l, capt.

there seems to be a level of ammonia that she can operate on and then there is the level where she is out of it. i think she is somewhere in between those levels now. have not seen or heard from doc today. just saw the nurse and getting ready to go back there now. for the rest of the afternoon. she is not so anxious to come home now. the last couple of days she has been this way. just sitting back and enjoying the show. she does know she in the hospital. but that is about it. she does not talk much. like she is thinking of something, but if you ask what she is thinking of, she says nothing.....

who knows the next chapter. ....peace and love, capt.

well i am back again today.

i just wanted to check and say hey. hey. my wife is still in hospital, going on 5 days now. her ammonia levels are still high, but coming down. she just sits there and laughs at nothing. almost like alzheimer. it is going to be hard to bring her home, i bet. i can only do so much here for her. her doc did not think that it would be time for hospice.

i would hate it if she got an infection in the hospital. today she had this cough that i did not like. we will wait until the a.m. to see about that. her doc (our doc) has been up there every day in the a.m. to check on her. as stated before she is the best. a light at the end of the tunnel. she is.

well just going to go it a nite, and wanted to get some more thoughts off my head. until next time. p/l, me.

i go through the ER exit mostly at nite, and there is nothing but sick and hurt people there. of course, what would you expect. but it is just so sad. and most of them have others there with them. but not me. i am the lone soldier on the front line here. and if i do not go see my wife, not many others do. so i will send out a note tonite to let others know she is out of the ICU at least.

observations of today

well today again was long. my wife is still in hospital but was moved out of ICU. she is not really there. in the 3 hours i was up there tonite, she maybe spoke no more than 10 words. we will see if she comes home tomorrow.

do you know that look everyone has on their faces in the ER? well my whole life is like that look now. i guess it is the concerned look. it is that sinking feeling look, i think.

well gtg. that is all for today.

i did get my new pc together, working out the bugs in it now. peace and love to all.

another moment for the highlight reel.

i am again on drugs this week. and i think i am losing some weight with the back and forth with the hospital. but i will be okay, i guess. feels like i am in this alone. my family is 900 miles away and there is not much more family in town. our friends all work or live a normal life, if there is one in these days.

trduge on, i will. like frodo in his quest.

today news

well i was able to get my wife into the hospital over the weekend, as you might have read. well she is doing much better. the last couple of days she has been anxious to get out of there and come home. today she is content to sit back and enjoy the show. she is laughing at every thing. i guess it could be worse. she could be crying. but she just does not seem herself, just yet. and today also got to her room and she was standing in shit. she could not make it to the bathroom since she has IV's in her. and her nurse had not check on her. she also did not know how to call the nurse with the buzzer. so like i said she is not herself just yet. not a good sight today. i rang the nurse and she came and cleaned it up.

as for me, well i am hangin in there. my HIV is still undetectable as mentioned before. and i feeling fine. if i change my hiv drugs, which i may due next month. i will have to stop the STI. so i am not looking forward to that. i see the doc again in 6 weeks. and i plan on staying on the drug holiday.

well gtg. for now. until next time. peace and love.

she did not even know i was there, and it is quite draining to be up there. so i am home and getting ready for a session of weight lifting. got to keep the caregiver healthy. the doc says that she does not have an infection or internal bleeding so they are just going to monitor her over the next few days and give her ammonia medicine to get that level down. we beleive and hope that this too shall pass. once we get those levels back down.

news from the front...

well i was able to get my wife into the hospital yesterday, finally. she has been avoiding going there. of course. her ammonia levels are way too high, from her liver failure. she is not coherent at all. i could not stay up there too long. i did not need to see her that way. she is in restraint. i highly recommend not seeing your spouse every in restraints. no fun.

well gtg. hope all is well. peace and love, capt.

i am going to continue my drug interuption for now. there is a new HIV drug on the market with less side effects. and it is a once a day pill. if i change to that, i will have to stop my STI. so we are not sure about that. it will not be on the market until some time in august. so that is not too far off, but i think i like the 1 week on/1 week off.

hello again world. thought i would give everyone, whoever that may be, a quick doc report. i saw the doc yeterday and my HIV is still undetectable and this is with 4 weeks of the STI, 1 week on/1 week off drugs. yippee. i am doing well and feeling good. as for my wife. well that is another story. she may stop her interferon, due to the side effects. she has been taking that for over 3 1/2 years. and her virus has not responded. it responded at one point, but now it is not responding to the meds. and hiv doc says that research shows that should she stop therapy, there will be no big difference. actually might help her liver a little bit more. since all drugs go through the liver. so stay tuned for that.

not much else going on. working for my cousin today and this week. he runs a photography studio. moberlyphotography.com.

just had my 20th high school reunion this past month in june. where does the time go. all we all do, if we only knew then what we know now. how life would be different. but then again would it be worth living? that is why it makes life worth living. to see what comes down the street next time with your name on it. no one knows. c-ya.

well gtg. hope all is well out there.

so i take them and try not to bitch too much. if you are reading this, thank you. please stay tuned. i will try to report from the front lines at least once a week or so.

i have been feelin real good off the drugs. they are a drag to take every day. and it is hard to image doing that the rest of my life. i hope you all caught the HBO show about AIDS. it was a 5 part series directed by one of the kennedy kids. uncle edward kid or niece. it was well done. and of course brought tears to my eyes. how can i bitch about being on the meds when the rest of the world hardly as access to them.

well hello again world. today being the 15th of july. not much happening here. i believe last time i mentioned my wifes liver doc. well he is still shit. and we are waiting for her new meds. since they were changed last time. stay tuned for the details. we will probably not hear anything for another 2 weeks. i am doing alright. feeling good. 1 day before i start back on my meds for 1 week. see my HIV doc on monday the 21st and wonder how my bloodwork will look.

she has been again spending a lot of time in bed. this week we saw her liver doc. he answers questions like a politician, never giving a real answer. lol. if it was not for our questions to him, i do not think he would tell some of this stuff. he is real quick, as in when you actually see him. he is in and out. he looks at your labs and goes about changing your med

just hangin out with the PC. the misses is not feeling well again today. she (i think) is getting worse. her liver is faliing, slowly as this may be. in august of 2001 she was told that she has about 10 to 20 % of her liver working. i think it is now at about 10% or so. i am not a doctor, i just play one in real life. lol.

capt log

july 13, 03

well it has been some time since i checked in here. had some keyboard problems and other minor delays. it has now been 4 weeks on my STI. i gave blood last week and should get the results on the 21st. if not sooner. i feel fine. and wondering if i am playing russian roullette with my health. i hope as we all do that i am still undetectable. stay tune.

need to run for the time. and hope to check back in soon.

as for myself. i feel fine. been going to an AIDS client meeting. today was my 2nd one. trying to get back into the community and give back, or give others my knowledge of the disease. it is a client members that use this one clinic in town. i think that the feds for the ryan white are trying to get all clinics that they fund into the habit of having clients involved. we give input to services offered, and other relivant input for the clinic. it is under new management. not bad. they are trying to get the time for doc visits down. so that is a big help. there is like some african american ladies running it and they take no shit. hoping that this attitude continues in them. there is a lot of APATHY in the AIDS world. this is the year that the advocates need to wake up and smell the pills burning.

as for me, well i am a big fan of U2 and REM. as well as dave mathews and others. they are my top bands. and i enjoy live music when the price is right.

new in my life.

it is now week #3 of my STI. and i could not be feeling better. i am now almost half way through my 2nd week of no drugs. still getting used to that. i have also added some weight training to my regiment. i give blood in a week and i will know my out come to my STI.

not much happening here today. my wife is taking a nap and i am feeling some lonely. thought i would drop my blogger a line. i am now on day 4 of my HIV meds again. not too much different from when i was on them in the beginning. i have headaches and my face is withdrawn from the lipo, but other than that, i feel about the same. my wife seems to take naps more often now. she is losing the battle with her liver. in august 2001 she was told she has like 10 to 20% of her liver working, i think now it may be down to 10% or so. i am going to miss her when she leaves us. then there are days when i long to be by myself again. and carefree. but we have that same feeling once in awhile.

i am looking forward to giving my blood to see what is says about my STI. it will be drawn on the 7th of july, so stay tuned.

i have been with PC now for some time now, since working originally in the university setting. so i keep my font at lower case. if not i feel as if i am shouting at some one. lol. maybe i am shouting at the world to listen. this week is national HIV testing day, so if you are reading this, i hope you know your status. lastest stats say that 1 in 3 people do not know there status, so get checked it. my PSA for the day.

well gtg. peace and love to all. mike.

today is the eve of my 9th wedding anniversary and and just wanted to check in with the world. i am HIV positive and just this past week i just started and STI in the AIDS world. That is a strategic treatment interruption. and my sis told me i should start a journal about my experience. so it being the 21st century i thought i would put this up on blogge. i have been positive for 9 years as well. same year we lost our brother to aids. i found out my status 3 weeks before he died. i was even told over the phone by my brother's doctor. since my wife was positive he assumed i would be one day or another. we had been together for over 16 months for anything to happen. so shit happens...i have just recently gotten mad at this doc and just came to want to write a letter to him...i don't think he would like it...so i leave him alone. i am sure he is still in the HIV community here locally. i then told my family of my status 2 years plus.. i seroconverted from my wife, not only got HIV, but my HEP C as well. i was sick for like a month and the docs could not find out what was wrong with me. went to hospital and then finally tested me for hep c and told me i was positive for that. it was like 2 weeks later that i got the call from the asshole doc. i did not want the family to go off on my wife. she is having liver problems now. and is more or less losing her battle with her liver, not the HIV. she is also taking inteferon, the pegasys stuff. once a week and the side effects are not that bad for her. i was on therapy for 12 months in 1996 and 97. my hep c went up and down. it even shot up 27 million.. so i went on therapy again in 2001 and sustain my hep c undetectable for 16 months straight. then hep c doc told me i could come off, with the possibilty of being cured. i like to think i am cured, but i think more or less i am in remission. he told me that there is 99.99% chance of it never coming back...

so here i am after 6 years of treatment. i was on crixivan and of course the usual 8 hours of your life was interrupted for a reminder that you had HIV. was working then also at a library in town and had the latest information about HIV and at that time, it was the mantra to hit early and hit hard. so i was on the cocktail. i have asked my doc about an STI ( i refuse to call it a drug holiday, since HIV is no holiday) and this had to be last year if not 2 years ago. and recently they think they have cured, or more or less my Hep C is in remission. it has been since may of 2002 that i had any intferon for my hep c and there is no sign of it in my blood. so that is like 13 months or so. and the doc told me this past week, since i am doing so well, would i like a STI. i was blown away. and so i thought i might start this on this past sunday, kinda keep things together with the week starting. she offered or suggested 1 month on and 1 month off. or the week on, and week off. so i took the week on and week off style of STI.

again, i was elated to give my body a break and thought what the hell. and started the STI last week. and now i am 1 week off and about to restart tomorrow. it has been kinda wild. past my pill box this past week and i was like, i have not taken todays pills. then it comes to me that i am off this week. it is still kinda sinking in.

i have been using a palm pilot and i have set the weekly alarm to go off to remind me to look for my drugs, or make sure that i am not taken them. it will be a challenge, but just like being 100% taking them all the time. it should be no different than keeping that regiment. stay tuned.

as mentioned early, today is my 9th wedding eve...and also the last day/nite i spent with my brother. i miss him so..i hope to keep his memory alive here on the web

i hope to check in weekly on here. my sis and family can read it from afar.

i hope you have enjoyed today sessions. thanks for reading me....