having a bad moment at this time. zoe might be coming home. which would be great, don't get me wrong. i am quite releive that she is doing so well. kinda shocked as well. but i will take the good with the bad. not much else is going on. i did my talk today. talked to group of about 30 persons about safe sex and hiv. then i was approached about speaking on Dec. 1, 03, for world AIDS day. get to tell my story again for that day. i don't know, i am just burnt out or something. i will check in when i am in a better. peace and love, and journey on. capt.

mentally and physically exhausted, the capt...

what will i do with out her...well who knows.. i would like to start on my masters...need to take GRE and try for MLS...it will be a strange new world..zoe and i have been together for over 10 years now... or close to it...my bro was going to and did invite her on our trip to DC in 1992... to see the quilt...i get that heavy heart feeling just talking about it...i hope to sleep tonite...well kevin did want us to get together at 1 point in life...then he went off and died...now she is close to joining him...in the big cavehill in the sky...there will be memories galore in this city after she leaves us...i might just have to leave town...for sure...for awhile anyway...not sure about my meds when and if i go. the system drags you into it..and sucks on you until you are dry... so it will be hard...but no one ever said life was a carnival right...until next time...capt signing off.. c ya.

tonite she is resting and has been since 7pm... maybe get hospice in tomorrow...thinkin about putting her in a hospice center for 5 days or so...give me some time away.. is that selfish??? who knows... i know i need some time away from this maddness.. tha is my life...stay tuned.. i am sure i am going to be lost for some time with out her...and it is looking more and more like that...got that news today...doc thinks we will see nothing but steady decline from here on out...well you guys out there...get busy living...that is for sure...i need a day at the beach...with some heinken...my sis always keeps me in stock with those...get some ready...

well where to begin at.. for 1 hospice did not come over today, like they said, frick..i blame myself for letting it get this far along.. kinda was hoping to get some help today..well it figures, you hear nothin but good things about hospice, until you need them.. they did have the wheelchair delivered..she did not use it today..and she is getting more and more nonresponsive..my heart is heavy with the thought of losing her..she has battled back from so much...ya just kinda get used to it..this time looks different...going to be hard the first month..first year...like the movie shawshank redemption.."get busy diing..get busy living..." luv that movie...it is thought like that that help me along with this journey..

she is resting now. seems like she has been taking some naps as of late. i am doing alright i guess. hangin in there as good as it can get with calling in hospice for your spouse. we are supposed to be in the local paper here, and it might end up being her OBIT. we will have to see. she is a strong woman and will continue to amaze people. she has been down before. and yes one of those times was with me, again in october. lost my bro to october, and wonder if this month will take another loved one of mine. i will begin to despise this month, even though the colors are spectacular this year. it seems every october is spent either mourning, or enjoying the colors of fall.

the real work may begin this week. the nurses and other staff are coming to start coming by. we will see how this goes. the LCSW asked if we like music and is sending over the music therapist, i guess to sing, KUM BY YA, let's hope not.

Yes Hospice, table for 2 down front

until next time... peace and love, capt. out.

today is the day. i called in hospice today and we are having an intake interview tomorrow. today i am at my wits end. not a good day. my wife is falling all over the place still. this is even after more enulose into her today. hospice said it might take some time to get the OK from her doctor, but they got it today. since zoe is so bad off. and i have been dealing with this for far too long. like the jesus christ superstar song, "the end is almost here, little left to do, after all i have tried for 3 years, seems like 30"...well you know the rest of it, just be thankful that you did not hear it in my voice. lol..

well gtg..off to my dinner.. peace and love, capt. out...

my wife is about the same...she has her good days and bad days..today was a bad day..as she stumbled through store for tonight's dinner, when she will not even be a awake for it.. her ammonia levels are pretty high today.. saw some one else in the HIV community today and he is dealing w/skin cancer..like all these people that were saved with the HAART era..then they get hit with other even worse diseases than HIV. i am still doing well, still on the 1 week on/1 week off. like that and still 100% with the meds.. you need to be with this disease.. this person i saw at the clinic last week or so..she saw my labs and was like amazed to see under 50 viral load...she has went to get there, except for one time.. i tried to enlighten her with some blood work numbers and what they mean.. not a doc on TV, just play 1 in real life..

hello again. i am back after some time away from here...not much else new here... did get DSL line in the mean time. been doing a lot of surfin..down load LOTR trailer, in 2 minutes or less. ...real nice to get my time back..don't think i could use dial up again..

and IMPEACH BUSH for his lies to the american people.

she is sad now. reflecting on her life almost. i can see it in her. she is quiet at times during the day and i think she is reflecting. she mentioned also the other day that she was mad at herself for getting herself into a position to acquire these diseases. i try to tell her that regret is not a good emotion. but she listens so little. well gtg. till next time. go CARDS!!!!!!!!!!

the misses is still about the same. not much improvement. she is eating some more now. she is just starting to realize how sick she is. i think. with in the last 2 weeks, she has mentioned that she does not want to die yet. and i don't want her either to die. and today she mentioned about her liver being shot to hell...and what if anything she can do about it. i don't think she can do much. we see doc on the 10th and will know more then. she did get out today to give blood. i made her do that at least.

i am back. wanted to check in. i got my last blood work this week. it was given on sept. 8, 03. shows HIV undetectable and my HEPC is still the undetectable. yippeee. it has been 16 months since interferon for the HEPC and now on 3 months, closer to 4 months on the 1 week on/1 week off regiment for my HIV.