dialogue to self about meds and life, i am HIV positive with Hep C

Monday, January 26, 2004

no idea what is going on....stay tuned.. peace and love, capt.

Thursday, January 08, 2004

love life is going alright, i think and hope. i am head over heels for miss j. hope we can work things out. i feel as if i am damged goods, with this HIV stuff. no fun. and my poz life, or single life may have just begun. who knows. altho i may not be single for too long.

well i do see doc tomorrow. hope to get some more good news there. hope my blood work is back. some of it should be. will check in tomorrow or over the weekend about that.

work w/moby the other day. we shot the new basketball dorm at uofl. so i wuz of course in hog heaven. saw most of the team. i wuz like hey ellis how is your leg?? hi otis, and shook his hand. and helped garcia with the door 1 time. all but asked for a autograph. lol. i told moby that i kept my foam finger at home, lol. did not think it would be appropriate to hassle them inside their home. since the dorm is just that. well checking out for now. peace and love, capt.
well hello world today. i am doing alrite i guess. not sure just yet. not sure about what to do with life, today. look at moving out at the end of this month. who knows. not sure today at all about life. had some decisions dropped in my lap over the last couple of days, and just not sure what to do. rite now. anyway. maybe tomorrow will be a better day. how long have i been using that line. lol. im thinkin of having a moving sale. will make that as a small goal or so. shoot for the 24th of this month. and of course with the weather, it would have to be in doors. is there a life book that i missed over the years? i dont think so. we all have to do what we can to get by. life sux, then ya die. no good.

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

i am having a lovely evening w/miss j. capt signing off.
good morning. short note to say hello today. i am off to work with the moby today. so you can tell by the time. not much else happening. did sleep well last nite. think it wuz from the nite before. will be draggin later. we are off to shoot the new dorm on campus for the bball players. hope to run into some of them. would be real cool. should i take a autograph item. lol. maybe. hope to see miss j today. did not see her last nite. she wuz recouping also. called miss R last nite. and may go see a movie with her soon. if not this weekend. see the LOTR movie. i have only seen it once. so i am over due to see it again. well gtg. checkin in to say hello and that i made it through another nite. the bed is aweful lonely. not sure about moving or what i am going to yet. need to make an appointment house of ruth asswipes. they fired 1 of the workers, mine over the holidays, due to the fact that the new director did not like her going out and doing HIV prevention. now how F@@@@@@ up that???? they are an ASO and they do not want to bring in more money for prevention. that is f@@@@@ up. again. well enough venting. peace and love. capt.

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

but i am managing. doing the AA thing, 1 day at a time. lol. don't do Bill W. just familiar with the cult. lol. well going to check out...makin some dinner, for me. and me alone. again. love and peace to all. capt signing off.
on other news, went to my hospice greiving class last nite. was of course, the youngest 1 there. a lot of older people, but my heart goes out to them. some of them were like in relationships for 50 years or more. i wuz like, well i only 12 years invested. but still well all had that in common. we had lost our spouse. it is a 6 week course. so i will you all posted on the developments....1 lady had only been married for 7 years, but she mentioned that it took her 40 years to find her husband. he was a marathon person and everthing. he was going to run a mini in town the very next day, when he dropped dead. out of the blue. my loss in a little different...only that i had time to mourn. ...but still it is a loss. and we all lost our partner. even though i knew she wuz going to die, it still is a different ballgame when they are actually gone. you can image all you want in your mind, but until it happens, it is not the same.
hello world. i am doing alrite today. almost 2 well. not sure. well where to begin. miss j came over last nite and stayed until 7am. need i say more. lol. yes. capt is back. lol. well not sure how this will go. my new online name is captlatex420@yahoo.com. lol. i will also be wrappin my willy. anyway. it was nice to know that some one like me can still do this with a negative person. i had heard all the ins and outs about dating in the positive age. so i can only guess, i will add my own portion to the myths abot poz/neggies dating. stay tuned.

Sunday, January 04, 2004

well my heart is alive again. miss J called me tonite. thank you for hangin in there with me. capt signing off.
ok, so life will go on with out some one in your life. it just does not feel good to me. at least not yet. lately, i have been told by 2 other persons that it will take 1 year to feel normal again. it is going to be 1 fuckin hard year. that is all i have to say. see doc this week, gave blood last week, so i should know about those numbers this week. see if i did any more damage to my liver over the holidays. then my bday is the 14th. so send those checks now. lol. well until next time. and i am off of here now. gtg some dinner in me. love you all out there in cyberspace. capt.
hopin miss J. will call me back some time tonite. well and then the real world starts tomorrow. i am not looking forward to it. not sure why. but i might look for a job this week, if the photo studio does not open up or he gets some jobs so that he can hire me. go to www.moberlyphotography.com and hire him. you will not be disappointed. also go to jpl.nasa.gov. to see images of MARS. it is alive again. all those little kids that will shape their life around this day. when they saw mars come alive with pictures. some of them will know right away that they want to get into astronomy. and the world will be a better place. well enough of my boring life for today. peace and love, capt signing off.
Mars is alive...yeah. on a day when Mars, 100 million miles from earth comes alive, my heart feels dead. again i missing out on love. something like that or so. was elated when i awoke this morning. not really elated. but glad in my heart. but tonite comes and once again i am alone. sux. well life will go on. i am glad the rover landed on mars. not my life, or my rover, but if gives everyone some interest in space. and i love space. and boy do i have a lot of it in my life. empty space that is. this too shall pass.

Friday, January 02, 2004

life is good again. just got back from dinner w/miss J. what a lovely woman she is. also thinks i am nice to look at as well. gotta like that. did not have to wait and ask for a kiss. she kissed me. im in love. there is life after miss Z. stay tuned. blew me away 2nite. damn good nite. well enough from me 4 tonite. capt signing off. peace and love.

Thursday, January 01, 2004

back to check in again. miss B. told me tonite that she does not want a future with me. i guess because my lack of financial background or my disease, or something. may be i am too nice to her. who fucken knows at this point. i am deflated. but again will pick myself off of the floor and carry on. until next time. do have dinner date with miss J. tonite. maybe she can see past my poorness. florida is looking more and more like a place to get the fuck away. well peace and love to all. capt.