all i know is that i walked out on the lady i love, and came down here for some reason or another. i am hoping we stay together and work this out. she is the best woman i have been with in a long time. if ever. i now know why she is pissed off at me. she sounds good today on the phone and says she will come down here again. i am hoping she does. all i know is that my life sux with out her here and in my life. with her having a plane ticket at least i know she is coming down soon. gives me something to live for. well gtg for now. she did meet the family and is still willing to come back down. lol.. peace and love to all. capt.

capt. log, life sux. i am trying to get by with out my lady love. she went back to louisyville yesterday and i am of course miserable. i almost lost it last nite. what was i thinking about when i said i would move down here???? well things are some what better today. got another plane ticket for miss j. she will be back on the 10th of april. and we are going to continue this until we get a house. i did get approval for loan this week. now just finding 1 with all the parameters for FHA loan. well who knows.

ok, so here i am again. wanted to report my blood work details. my viral load was at 66ml. at this was given at the end of my "on" week. actually it was given on the very next day. so my virus is rebounding within 12 hours of being off drugs. but it is responding still to the meds. my viral load in december was 256. and that was at the end of my "off" week. so the good doc told me to give at the end of my "on" week. since i was given for my lipid panel i had to give while i was fasting. so i forgot about that had had to wait 1 day to give. so that is why it was done on wednesday. and my tcells are the highest they have ever been at 681. with all this turmoil in my life, i thought for sure that my blood work would be whack out. but it wasn't. 1 less thing to worry about.

my love of my life is coming down to tomorrow. yippee. to save me from my loneliness. yippee. miss j should be arriving on a plane tomorrow afternoon. thank god. until she is here, i will not believe.

work is going alright. i am still new to it, so it is alright. as you can image. you know the feeling of the new job and all. well until next time. my mood is some what better, since i know my love is coming tomorrow. so i have something to live for. lol. peace and love, capt.

i have to have faith that it will all work out in the end. but if am not happy, it seems to be my call then, right? who is to say where i should go from here. ?? and what i need to do. ? i think i jump ship to early in louisville. and nothing will ever feel right again.? that would suck really...well stay tuned. i am outta here now. p/l capt.

still have not seen my last blood work. not sure i want to. it might be bad, which i feel it will be. then that will be something else to worry about. people move out of state and out of town every day in this world. i am just not sure why i can not accept it and go on with life. i am fricking extremely lonely down here. and yes i got family all around me. but i am used to dealing with out them. so i am not sure what the hell i am going to do. well that is enough belly aching for now. peace and love to all and keep me in your prayers. capt.

well i am back to report in. and life is shitty right now. i am down in florida and trying to go on with my life. i am with out miss j. which does not help. i am lonely as shit and just working. i have no social life at this point. and i know it has only been 1 week, but i miss my life in louisville. already. i am going to try to stick this out for a month, if i do not commit suicide in the interim. lol. zoe's bday is tomorrow and not sure how i will feel then. but if today is any measure, i am going to be crying all damn day.

will end for now. not much else going on. waiting for blood results that i gave last week. might have to get those faxed to me. p/l. capt.

hoping the CARDS will come through for me while i am away. that way i am sure to miss the hoopla. not much else is going on. me and the new woman have kinda split up. wuz hoping to take her with me. but we have a lifestyle difference. so it is best that we split now...we rushed into things anyway. and i still do not know what i want from life. maybe a MLS in florida. tampa has a good school for that. i have heard through the grapevine.

will still be wearing RED, of course

the last monday of the last week of being alive...no i meant in lousyville. lol. went to the twig and leaf today for breakfast. 1 last time. will be leaving town this wednesday. with all the best of luck i can muster. have not been over to cavehill yet. car is getting some last minute repairs from my all time cheap ass mechanic. will miss him for sure. saw my hair cutter last week, and it was hard to say bye to her. she has been cutting my hair for like 20 years or so. her husband and i were in middle school together. time for some new memories now. this town is just not the same with my wife gone. doing everything by myself and all. and this house reeks of her. so it is best that i leave all together now.

i have lost about 7 pounds in the choas of this year. but i hope to be settled some where within the next month. and i hope to check back in a little more than as well. if i can get used to my sis slow ass dial up service. hope to install wireless in home there, and then get DSL or something....look out shelly, here comes the capt.... love you all. me. p/l capt.

f....insecure...neurotic...emotional.... FINE. today is thursday and i have given myself to get the truck next wednesday and start the process. been boxing up left and right and up and down, and have been over the goodwill enough times that i know them by first name now. every thing must go. and no mother i am not throwing out any pictures. but i have seen enough of my wife that it has been the hardest. i think. i see her almost every where i turn in the house.... so i saw the good dr. H this week and gave blood yesterday. we will see how those results come out.

well i am back.. for now... it is about time to move to FL and i have my head up my ass. people move every frickin day in this world, and well i feel lost. and i know it will get better down south. something has to get better. too many memories in this town. i the last man standing, like the omega man... if ya remember that movie from 71 or so. other than that i am fine.