dialogue to self about meds and life, i am HIV positive with Hep C

Monday, June 28, 2004

well i have been told that this blog is too depressing. the blog police sent me a note. lol. not really but hey it is my life and my life has been depressing lately. but i am going to make this entry a little more exciting. yes miss j is gone. she told me last nite pretty much that she would not be coming back home, if ever. so it is her loss. she is a very nice girl, but i am a very nice guy. and i need to move on. as hard as this is to actually do. we will see. i miss her terribly, but i miss my wife terribly as well. and i can not make either one of them come back. so i need to pick myself up off the ground and move on. maybe it is better now than further down the road when i would have more time invested with miss j. at least now i can get out of this still. she is not right upstairs. she has more issues than me. if you can beleive that. i will be alright. women leave men all the time in this world. what is 1 more heart break? nothing. in 100 years no one will even know i was here. also watching the 20/20 show about marriages gone bad. and this lady was left at the alter. that could have been me. ugh. i am feeling some what better already. and i even have a lunch date tomorrow. with this lady who is positive along with Hep c. image that. i met her over dinner the nite before father's day. it was fate that brought us together. so my sister says. so keep your fingers crossed and say a little prayer for me. she is miss V. with a capital V. lol. going to go for now. going to try to get some rest tonite, if i can. love and peace to all. capt.

Sunday, June 27, 2004

well it is finally over between me and miss j. there is no more hope left that she is coming back to me. she came by tonight to tell me she is moving in with her sponsor from the program and she is now staying with some guy and his dog. she claims that she would go backwards in her recovery if she came back to me. like she can see into the future. this is all bullshit. i should have known. well that is all i can say for tonite. my head is not right tonight as you can image. i am not that bad off, since she has been gone now for a month. it is still no good. i will pick up the pieces and go on. peace and love to all. capt.

Saturday, June 26, 2004

here on saturday morning. and i am not doing too well today. waking up with heart pounding, fast. like it wants to jump out of my chest. i have been trying to meditate when this happens. it slows down some what. but not too much. miss j did not come back yesterday. not sure what she is up to these days. all i know is i miss her dearly. but life does go on. i am going to make it through another day. going to gym today and then to the beach. i am hoping 1 day life down here will get easier. not sure when though. the loneliness hangs in the air in the house with no one else here. it sux. feels like i have lost 2 loves of my life lately. with zoe and now miss j. i have faith that life with get better. but not soon enough. i have been renting some movies as of late. but they all seem to have some one in them that is named zoe. so i usually end up turning those off, or they turn out to be hidden love stories. those too are usually turned off. again, my heart starts pounding out of my chest. not much else to report on. peace and love, capt.

Thursday, June 24, 2004

wuz reading the blog site yesterday about turning your blog into a book. that would be way cool. a nurse at the doctors this week told me i should write a book about dealing with a life threatening illness. i would like that. do the talk show circuit. lol.

missing zoe today as well. spoke with candice tonite. she sounds so grown up. she will be in the 10th grade this year. she has even taken the drivers ed class and passed it. she also told me that she is grounded for about a week. she was at some one's house for a sleep over and they snuck out. and she was caught. i thought that that sounded so much like her mother. but i did not say anything, except that she needs to keep her nose clean. i asked her about college and she told me that she wants to be marine biologist. i liked that. that was 1 of the first things i remember wanting to be when i was young, all those years ago.

i also spoke with zoe's bestfriend in lousyville tonite. she kinda confirm to me that what i did for zoe was the right thing. she spoke with zoe about dieing and how zoe and her did not like the idea of being left alive to suffer. zoe did not like to discuss death that much. she was in denial. as we all will be 1 day or so. patty told me that i did the right thing. and that her and zoe discussed it. and patty mentioned to me that she told zoe about her friend who lost her husband. and her friend said that when she goes outside, she looks up and smiles and knows her husband is up there looking down on her. this comforted zoe. so patty told me i need to do that for zoe. let zoe know that i am happy down here and that zoe is up there waiting for me. and she will be waiting for some time to come. i hope now. since my little incident in may. i am here for a reason now. i am calling may 22 my 2nd birthday.

well i am off to try to sleep. peace and love to all. capt.
hello again world. not much happening today, except for the biggest hilite of my year. miss j came back home or is coming back home, i think tomorrow. yippee. we are going to take it slowly, i think. i will keep everyone posted.

i went to sign up for the clinical trial today. it is for neuropathy. i may have mentioned this already. i see 1 more doctor tomorrow and then they will let me know if i qualify to get into the trial. i am hoping i can. i have not been in a clinical trial before. this would be 1 of the best things i could do for the AIDS world and the community as a whole. bigger than our little articles in louisville since if the medicine works then hundred, if not thousands could benefit from it. so i am hoping to get into it. it is an injectable thou. ouch. daily at that as well. but i will be alright.

still going to counselor down here. saw her tonite. then went into the Y to work out. i am plodding on with life. i should be better, or soon to be getting better since miss j will be around the house. i got my MSN game site working this week. so that does help out with the quietness around the house. the loniness hangs heavy in the air around the house at nite. i am not sleeping real well either. kinda dred sleep these days. been up last nite until 2am tossing and turning. played some cards until 2am. online of course.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

well here i am again. this time i am at home and my pc seems to be doing better now. I think that i had a virus messing with my pc. so i ran a scan last nite and i am hoping that it fixed it. we will see. also i am in a pretty good mood, so i thought i would share this with everyone. don't know why i am in a good mood, but i will take it for a change. i am cleaning my house, to keep me busy. going to order some pizza tonite. no Wicks down here and i am craving it. i have never crave pizza in my life. so i thought i would go with a home town favorite. papa johns. i don't think that they need advertising from me. but thought i would mention this anyway. hope all is doing well. i will keep you all posted about me. i posted a picture also to my site. maybe i will change it often. who knows. jamming to my tunes and decided to be happy tonite. again not sure why. still lonely, but i am happy loner. love and peace to all. capt.

Me and my new tattoo LORD OF THE RINGS Posted by Hello
well here i am again. not much else happening. i am just getting by today. taking it day by day. or as the AA saying goes, 1 day at a time. i miss zoe and miss j. i hav faith that miss j will come back to me. i have to keep that faith. i am still not doing much else. i am working out and may even add my picture to this site. so stay tuned. i need some prayers to get me through this rough time. i do not think i was this depressed when i lost my brother. it is extremely hard these days. i have been reading a book about grief and it mentions that depression is the 4th stage of mourning. and there are 5 stages. so i am hoping that there may be some light at the end of the tunnel. not sure. i will keep you all posted.

as for other news. well i went to the clinicl trial folks yesterday. it is an injectable drug, daily for neuropathy. i am hoping to become a member in this study. i am hoping that this will also keep me busy. i have way too much time on my hands. the nurses yesterday at the intake interview were quite impressed by me. i have this palm pilot i use for my blood work and doctor notes. 1 of the nurses told me that i should write a book about taking charge of your health. could be used not only for HIV/AIDS but all life threatening diseases. not sure about that, or where i would begin at.

not much else happening. peace and love to all. capt.

Friday, June 18, 2004

well not much happening today. i did get my DSL working at home. so i have something to do at home, instead of just talking to the dogs. lol. i thought i would share some things with my new home state. since i have been down here in florida, i have seen 3 rainbows. which in louisville those were hard to come by. this last 1 i saw actually was a double rainbow. really unusual. since it is so flat down here, you can see rain coming down the road. no shit. last week i saw this happen. i drove right into it. it was kinda cool to say the least.

other news. well today would have been me and zoe's 10th anniversary. it was kinda hard in places. i did not get to the beach. i wanted to put some flowers into the water, and i still may do that. taking myself to dinner and a movie. get my ass out of the house. for sure. not much else happening. will write more later. i will be adding to this now that i have internet at home. peace and love to all. capt.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

on other news. i went to an AIDS support group last nite. was told on friday that is was for POZ men, well i knew it would be mostly gay men. well it is a group for gay men only. so i was like well i don't mind you guys and i don't think there would be anything discussed that would offend me. well they were like" are you gay? how did you get it? and then 1 of the guys told me that he had never met a positive hetro man. so i am like well here i am. then all through the meeting they were like, well you might get more out of this group...or this group ...or something. so they might not like me there or not.. not sure. with the group in louisville, KALA, i had no problems being accepted. so stay tuned about this. it meets every monday nite. and i am going to show up next week and see what they say. i am trying to get more involved with AIDS down here. it might be just want i need. get me out of the house, please. well i am doing better. struggling with my loneliness. this too shall pass. i hope. peace and love to all. capt.
well another day. i am at the office and will be getting my DSL for the home PC tomorrow. yippee. not much more to cheer about. i have been seeing a counselor for the last couple of weeks. i am trying my best to go on with life. i miss zoe and now even more so, miss j. not sure where we stand today. i am just taking it day by day. i hope to join the YMCA today and get out of the house a little more. the counselor today gave me this list of pain and grief. it has this little poem on the other page that i thought was kinda good, or morbid. which ever way you look at it. it goes: "you came and made my house our home, you left making our home my asulum." thought i would pass this along to miss j, but maybe not. it might be too much for her. i miss her and love her dearly, but know i need to go on. and live for myself.

Monday, June 14, 2004

well what can i say. it is monday afternoon now. i saw miss j over the weekend. just barely. i saw her last night. i am getting some what stronger each day. but it is rough. i am counting down the days until we are together again. last night she was open to seeing me. and said it was good to see me. she was really glad to see me. she mentioned something about not staying in florida. not sure what she is thinking about that.. i left her note asking her about it. i told her that i hope to be "in" on the next life changing decision she would make. i can only hope. but i have my faith that we will be back together before the summer is over. i will just have to sweat out the summer. yesterday i was at the beach again. i go out for my 2 hours. my tan was fading all last week. went to see my sister and mother over the weekend. i thought or planned to stay over night with my mother. but i got the worse panic attack while i was there. i knew i could not stay there. not sure where that came from. probably from missing my wife and miss j. my heart is still heavy with grief and loss. i would give my left arm to have miss j back. also this friday would have been zoe and mine anniversary. would have been 10 years. i will go out to dinner with myself, probably and maybe take in a movie or so. by myself as usual. getting tired of being alone. but i will go on. this too shall pass. peace and love to all. capt.

Friday, June 11, 2004

not much else is going on. if i was busier at work my mind might be better also. i need to get out of the house and meet some people in the area. the house is so quiet when i am there alone. i am having my nephew come over tonite to spend the nite and then tomorrow i am going to visit my sister and mother. but i know i will be glad to get miss j back into my life next month. i have faith in it. gtg. peace and love to all. capt.
well week 2 down now with out julie. she has been coming by to see the kids. and she has told me that she should be able to come home after a couple more weeks. at least she gave me a time table. i am marking the days off the calendar. i have begun my counseling sessions. now i have been to 2 of them. she is going to start seeing me on tuesday morning now. i think it would be beneficial to see her more than once a week. tonite also i plan on going to a support group down here. it is for serodiscordant couples. 1 positive/1 negative. for those who may not know. so i am in one of those relationships and hope i can meet some more people down in this area. also i might get on the advisory board for the clinic. i will know more about that next week when i meet with counselor. i look forward to that. i think i am slowing getting stronger as the days go on. i have faith in miss j's love and i have faith that she will come back to me. i repeat this in my head throughout the day. supposed to plant that seed in my subconscious. this has helped me deal with the loneliness some. it is with my new attitude towards life. i am hoping.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

i was reading some of my old posts and did not sound too good in march. still not sure what the hell is going on any more. there are times that i feel life being sucked out of me. and i have never been known to have any anxiety attacks. now they come all too frequently. i take a deep breath and exhale and then try to go on with the task at hand. whatever that may be. not feeling like work today. wanted to stay in bed all day. i know that is not the answer though. have a lot of stuff to do around the house. even though i hate being there with out anybody else. it is really quiet. well gtg. peace and love to all. capt.
well here i am again. not much happening today at the office. i am missing zoe now days. with miss j gone, i have a lot of time on my hands to sort through my thoughts about missing zoe. i think it came down hard on me yesterday. was hit with it out of the blue. so i am working through it. i see the counselor weekkly now. hoping this will help me deal with things down here. i am really at a loss as of late. start crying out of the blue. i miss having some one to talk to at home. the house is really quiet now days. all i do i talk with the dogs, and they don't have much to say. saw a full rainbow last nite driving to my sisters house. don't think i have ever seen one from end to end. it was really cool. had zoe on my mind then and i was thinking that it was her way of telling me that she ok in heaven and that i need to go with life. easier said than done. went through some pics at my sis house. was good to look at those and think about the good times me and zoe had. went all over the place together. from hawaii to LA to seattle, to DC and New york city on 3 occasions. and i sure miss her these days. this too shall pass, hopefully.

Monday, June 07, 2004

i will not write much. there will come a time again when i can write down here that i am doing well and that i am seeing some body or miss j actually does come back to me. just takin it 1 day at a time now. this too shall pass. peace and love to all. capt.
well today is monday and i am doing alright. i miss my girl around the house. not sure where we stand today. having a hard time going on with life. i know i must find the will to go on. i am sure i will soon. ronald reagan died over the weekend and reading about nancy and how her life has been lonley and stuff. it sounds like my life the past couple of years. the article in the newspaper mentions how lonely she has been and how there is no one that can understand her feelings. well hello. wake up and smell the coffee reporter. there are others out there that take care of thier spouse and have no one to talk to. there are others, yes let me tell you. all kinds of people have told me that, yes it is time to be on your own. well i have done that, and it sucks. i love eating alone, waking up alone. wondering where the hell you are.??? it is no fun. i know miss j loves me and that she will come back to me. just not soon enough. all kinda of people tell me that you took care of zoe for so long. enjoy yourself and be by yourself. well that sucks. i am here to tell you.

on other news. nothing to report about. again thinking about moving back up north. but i would still have these feelings with me. i would still long to hold miss j. she is going through her own hell right now. if only i could image.

Friday, June 04, 2004

they always say that you have to love yourself before you can love others, and that you need to spend time alone to get there. well i feel that i love myself. and that i am ready to love others. i need some companion to share my life with. and miss j is the perfect person for that. i know there are others out there, but i do not feel like looking for others. afraid of the rejection that would come once they found out i was HIV positive. not really in the mood to get rejected. and no i am not settling for miss j just because she is here. but she is intelligent, outgoing, her humor is just like mine, she brightens up the room when she walks in. i am so in love with her. should we actually brake up, well i guess i would be alright, but it would hurt for some time. i just have to have faith that she loves me and that 1 day we will be together again. it is going to take all my will power to survive the next couple of weeks. i promise that i will not succumb to my loneliness and that i will forge ahead. day by day. peace and love to all. capt signing off.
other than that not much else is going on. i did start counseling last nite. it should help me out with my inner thoughts. the counselor actually said god bless you for helping zoe go, and she mentioned that it takes a lot of love to do that. she mentioned that she has some one that she knows now and it is almost the end of her husband's life. well he is wheelchair bound and does not want to go into a nursing home. so the wife is going to take care of him. not much quality of life. and zoe did not have much quality of life. i need to remember that. she did talk to candice for over an hour the week before she died. she made peace with her stepmother at the time as well. she kinda knew the end was near. more than i did. at that point i could not have much of a conversation with her. god i miss her. more than i would like to admit. this month is our anniversary and i am having a hard time with it. especially being alone. i could use miss j's around. maybe by then she will be back home. i am hoping. the sooner the better.
hello world. well saw miss j last nite and today. she came over for dinner before her work. she told me not to think of us being over. she just needs some time to get her head together. so i am hoping that 1 day we will be together again. she told me that if she was leaving, she would have boxed up most of her stuff. and i am living with her stuff all over the house. i did not bring much of my stuff down from KY. i still have stuff in storage. i miss her, badly. i am tired of being alone. i feel like i have been alone way too long. i am missing miss j today and zoe. not sure what to do about it. will be going to the beach tonite to watch the sunset. and will be watching it alone, as usual. i am trying not to pressure miss j, but it would be nice to have her back home. i know that for sure. i will be on my best behavior when she does come back. i was thinking that finally i have found some one that i can spend the rest of my days with. she is perfect for me and i am perfect for her. i await to have our lives join again.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

hello world...i am having a rough day today. i want feel like falling to my knees and crying out loud. my heart feels like it is splintered into a million pieces. miss j is still working on herself and not on "Us". it is hard with out her. i feel that she is slipping away. i am trying to be positive. but it is hard. i repeat my mantra, that she loves me and will come back to me. but those are just words in my head. but also the words or thoughts in my head about her, are just that thoughts. we have not had much time to talk to each other. she is working on getting a different job and we spend little or no time together daily. she came by this morning and she was kinda cold. it makes me wonder. but i should keep these feelings in check until i get to talk to her. yesterday she told me that was comforted by the thought that i will keep waiting for her, and that i will keep the kids as well. then she did tell me that she loves me then also. 1 more conversation on the phone though. i miss her dearly and am struggling to get through this week. i am hoping to get into the YMCA today and hoping to get into the weight room. this might releive some of my tension. i am quite frustrated in life right now.

i was taking out to try on the sales pitch for the roofing company yesterday. it was nice and i am hoping to get more out in the field. the money would be nice. i think if i had some money, i would not feel so alone, or it would make it easier. i feel. i know i have a bad attitude, just hoping to get through this rough period. not sure about the future any where. i will just get up and go about my daily grind and hope miss j will come back to me, soon i hope. well keep me in your prayers. i will check back soon. peace and love, capt.