dialogue to self about meds and life, i am HIV positive with Hep C

Thursday, July 29, 2004

well today is the day... i am off to see dave matthews band.  yipppeee.  i made it.  i am quite pysche about it.... then miss b gets in about noonish...should be a good weekend i am hoping.  something new for me to do before the summer is out.  since i started this summer about 2 months ago.  with the memorial day weekend.  that was the weekend miss j left me and it was not good. mentally at that time.  went to the beach during that weekend.  and of course everyone i saw had somebody with them.  families, boy/girlfriend groups.   it was hard, but i made it.  and now the summer is about over.  1 more month.  it will be nice to get it over with.  plus the heat.  but it does not really bother me.  when you are on the beach it seems there is a constant wind coming off the gulf.   it is nice.  as you can image...

things are looking up.  i can only go up. and i tell myself that i am stronger every day.   and i am still going to counseling.  so i am taking care of myself.  and still going to the gym.  yes....i notice the looks at the gym...mostly from the men wishing they had my arms.. lol.  not really but i like to think.  i am quite define as they would say.  whoever they are.   again i think that miss j did me a favor by leaving me.  yes i am still alone, but not so lonely.  if that makes sense. 

i have not gone to the support group for about 3 weeks now.  i will make a point to go this monday.  i promise. they always try to convert me there.  lol.  they expanded thier guidelines to include hetro men.  so that is kinda cool.  so i feel i have an obligation now to go.  i don't want them to think that is that with me.  and plus i hope they expanded thier guidelines, not just for me, but for future hetros men that may pass this way. 

well going to end here.  i made it to the big dave day.  thought about taking some zoe's ashes and releasing them if he plays "Grey Street".  one of the songs, that i played during her ceremony.  i am hoping i don't cry too much. 

well peace and love to all.  capt.

Sunday, July 25, 2004

well it is another quiet sunday nite here.  i had some company over the weekend.  a friend from work.  it was nice to have some one else to talk to finally, but aint it weird by the time sunday came around i was ready for my own space again.  here i am whining about being alone then one gets company and then one wants to be alone.  what a mindfuck.  all again in this roller coaster of a mind.    what is a person to do?  then i am here alone sunday nite and i am hating it.  again.   who knows.  i am going to make it though.  i am toughter than this.  this too shall pass.  all of the clique.  i am a walking clique. 

well i do have dave to look forward to this week finally.  and miss b is flying in for that.  so i should have a good week and then on wednesday i have been invited a to meeting with the local hiv clinic about my volunteering.  i am hoping to get active locally.  also my doctor visit is this tuesday.  so this week will probably go by rather quickly.  

not much else to chat about.  will be signing off here.  peace and love to all. capt.

Friday, July 23, 2004

well this week again has been something to write home about.  i went to watch the sunset on wednesday night.  i put in Norah Jones in the headphones and walked the beach.  once again the sun actually sat behind some clouds..  boohoo.  but over all is nice.  i almost meditate there.  no one talks to ya because you do have the headphones on.  there was about 3 different productions going on.  on the beach that is.  one of these were some models in the surf.  thank you.   then on monday,  get this.  i had this snake crawl up my wheel well on the car.  it went into the back tire well.  it was raining and i thought well he wants to escape the rain.  so i went out there to grab it or look at it.  i only saw the tail and no head.  and even i know not to put your hand near a snake if you can not see the head of it.  so i went back into the shop and then thought, maybe if i start the car, the noise will scare him and he will slither away.  no such luck.  so about 40 minutes later, i went out thinking that maybe if i start it and move it, that will surely make him/her leave.  no such luck again.  but this time the car did not even start.  it did not even roll over.   the battery died in that short time.  or the snake took all of the juice from it.  not sure.  it was weird.  so i went and got another battery and all is well.  put it was weird that it started 1 time and not the other.  i would not have even seen the snake if it was not for some one in the shop at the time, and mentioned that i have something hanging off my car.  i was like no i do not.  and looked and it turned out to be the snake.  still not sure what happened to him/her.  i will be going down the road here shortly and then get bitten by snake.  i can see the headlines...Man bitten by snake in car...going down Hwy 64.  lol.  so now it is friday night and i actually had some guy come over from work and keep me company.  he actually grew up in zoe's neighborhood in the bronx.  no chit.  i was at work in march and was talking to him. i mentioned the bronx.  or i asked him where he was from.  i could tell he was from up north.  so he came by the house tonight.  my first actual visitor down here.  and then i also got my futon today, or a futon.  it is wood and the mattress is black.  in case things do not work out next week with miss B, she will have some place to sleep. 

but again i liked to think that i am getting stronger with each passing day.  with my sister gone this week, i am watching their house.  kinda.  so i have some storage items over there as well. a little bit here and there.  but i brought home a box with VCR tapes.  and 1 of them is zoe on the springer show.  i might watch it tonite or over the weekend.   i looked for it the other day.  but of course it was at shelly house. 

enough rambling for 1 sitting. 

well peace and love to all.  if i see that snake i will report.  capt. 
well here i am work.  thought i would share with everyone about zoe and when she went into the nursing home.   i have been through so much before and that i think that is helping me get through this rough period now.  it was in 1995 that zoe started losing her mind.  me and her doctor truly thought she was getting dementia.  but afterwards we felt that she just had a nervous breakdown.  it in the summer of 95 that she thought she was being followed and that some one was out to get her for the things she had done in her past.  it was in october of that year that me and her doctor decided that she needed 24 care.  and that the nursing home would be the best bet for her.  since i was working full time then.   so we called candice's father and he made it to town to pick up candice.  it was that week in october that i lost my wife to the nursing home and then had to lose my step daughter to her father.  they live out in seattle area.  so i do not see her often.   i look back on those days and it feels like a blur.   and i wonder how i got through that period.  it is still rough to think about those days.  i was on auto pilot and working full time.  that helped.  but it was a very dark time in my life.  kevin had just died 1 year before.  we lost about 3 other friends over the winter of 94-95 and i also seroconverted to being positive in sept of 94.  so it was these things that push zoe over the edge.  and then her psych doctor kept giving her trilafon and kept upping her dose of that shit.  she went into the home in october and then in january of 96 she started to get the side effect drug for trilafon.  the nurses in the home noticed that she was displaying effects from the trilafon.  so she got cogentin then.  and within 2 weeks or so, i was able to bring her home on the weekends.  you could really see a change in her, once she got the cogentin.   i remember taking her to the world AIDS day ceremony on Dec 1, 95 in a wheel chair.  some people from the community would come up to say hello to her, and they all had tears in their eyes.  zoe did not understand why.  and she did not know much of anything then.  it was tough to say the least.  i still have little memories of these days. i think i blocked them out of my mind.   so as the story goes she got the cogentin and slowly came back to life.  it was in may of 96 that she came home for good and was able to resume an active life.  she even got a job as a waitress later that year.  it was also then that she came to realize how much she missed candice.  and i think she never quite got over that loss.  candice stayed out in the seattle area with her father.  we saw candice maybe 3 times since '95.  zoe could not accept the fact that she was not well and that candice would not be coming back to live with us, ever.  well those days were dark, to say the least.  but i survived them and i will survive these days that i am going through now.  i am a strong individual and can only hope that these current dark days will also pass.   well that is the short end of the story.  i had these thoughts come to me last night and thought since i started this blog in 2003 that i would fill in some of the blanks about me and zoe to all.   that is just 1 of many times we had that were dark.  i know when zoe got out of the home she would go back to volunteer there.  the old ladies there would always tell her how good she look.  and i think she went there when she needed to be lifted up, emotionally.  i could not go back into that place with out tears.  i dreaded that place.  to go home alone, and not have zoe there or candice there.  it was bad.  but again i survived.  it is with those memories that help me get through today's crisis.  and i will prevail. 

peace and love to all. capt.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

well another week is almost over. i think i am getting stronger with each passing day.  at least i would like to think so.  i can live alone and i am loveable.   i know these to be true facts.  it is just some times in the house i can get into thinking about losing zoe and then miss j.  i miss human contact and conversation.  i will start to pick up the phone more often when this happens.  i can do this.  i am not going to abandon this place down here for louisville.  i am strong individual and i can make it.  i told miss j early on in our relationship that if i lost her, i would survive.  i said i buried my wife and i survived that, so i can pretty much take on anything.  one would think.  i have some company coming into town next week and that is good.  i will enjoy her company.  also 1 week until dave, so that is good also.  i will pick myself out of the gutter and go on.  not sure if i am going back to louisville next week, after dave.  i was going up there to get some things out of storage, but i might have to put that trip off due to funds.  stay tuned. 

talk with a good friend last nite for over an hour.  it was good to talk with billy.  i miss him and some others in the HIV community.  i am going to reach out more now that i can.  most of the people i know would kill to be alone or have some time to be alone in this world.   not sure what is wrong with me about that.  i am a people person.  but i can go and go on i will.  also my waitress friend down here emailed me yesterday.  so that is good news also.  she is busy with her mother visiting in town so she has not had time to see me or have dinner or anything.  but i will continue to hope that things will get better.  peace and love to all. capt signing off, need to get to work.  c ya.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

date less in seattle, but i am not in seattle.  well this too shall pass.  i am getting on with life.  feel alright today.  beleive it or not.  i worked out at the Y this a.m. with all the other senior citizens. getting used to seeing blue hair that early in the morning.  not much else is going on.  sitting at work and keeping busy.  got some packets together for contractors today and yesterday.  will be sending out 45 packets to drum up some business for us.  hope that some come through.  would be nice to get a bonus or so for them. 

well julie is still not gone all the way.  she has about 3 items or so in the house. i have asked her if she would like me to help her out.  but she still says no.   she is stubborn.  i am holding out hope for her and me.  but the chance of her ocming back into my life are slim to nil...

life does go on.  i need to go on with something.   this blog helps clear my head.  i do have some one coming down from louisville next week.  not sure what she would like from me though.  she thinks i need to be alone more before starting something or so.  who knows.  i have been alone all this summer and not sure if time will heal this wound or not.  some say that you should remain alone for up to 2 years after losing a spouse.  boo hoo.  all grief is not the same.  it is like a finger print.  it is up to the individual and i think i am ready for some one, or something.   i am a nice guy and will find some one some day.  i am outgoing and fun to be around, or at least i used to be.  i will be again.  living in apartment that bums me out, don't get better when the lights go out.  that is a line from Eve6 song.  been loving that CD.  got another dave mathews CD last nite.  this one has a DVD in it.. and it has 2 other CDs that are live shows.  i am so looking forward to that show next week.  i am sure i will have zoe on my mind.  we both loved dave.  and i still do.  i sent dave a note asking if he would play grey street for me.  we will see.  then on the DVD it is the first song on it and dave dedicates it to a close friend.  hope he dedicates it to me.  lol.  that would be way cool.  we will see.

well enough rambling on for me today.  i will be on here again soon.  keep those prayers coming and keep your fingers crossed for me that some thing will come my way soon.  peace and love to all. capt.

 

Monday, July 19, 2004

monday afternoon at work.  it has been raining now for like 3 days here.  i am kinda bored and slowly going crazy.  this week michelle and ames are gone and i am more alone than ever.  i now know no body in this town.  i go home alone and i do not talk to anybody unless i call them.  i am hoping to go to the support group here tonite.  they hold it every monday although i have missed the last couple of weeks.  i will push myself to go.  damn it sucks down here.  i do not see it getting any better, but not sure if i would be happier anywhere.  i am stuck in a moment.  as usual. 
 
i did want to share a few stories about zoe that came to my mind as of late.  these should have been part of her eulogy.  but here they are.  there was this time in jan. 03 when we went to red lobster.  zoe loved her crab, and shrimp and lobster.  it would easily take her like 2 hours for these meals.  well in the time in jan 03 they were having their unlimited shrimp fest.  and the waitress kept asking zoe if she wanted more.  so zoe would always say yes.  i almost was going to ask the waitress to stop asking her.  anyway when she gaves us our bill she pointed out that she brought out 11 trays of shrimp.  with each tray holding 10 shrimp.  zoe could eat.  so zoe had consumed 110 shrimp in the that sitting.  that always brings a smile to me when i think of that time.  lol
 
 
 
so then there was this time when she went to get counting crows tickets for us.  she was in line and the teller told her that there were no more tickets.  zoe threw a fit. and pretended that she just got done driving in from shelbyville to louisville.  and she proceeded to throw a fit.  i was not with her at this time.   so she gets home and tells me this story and it turned out that the teller looked at sales and saw that there was at least 1 canceled credit card reciept.  where some one bought them over the phone but the card rejected it.  so zoe was able to get those seats.  so then the day of the show comes and we go, and as we are leaving we see a friend of mine from school.  we are shooting the breeze with him as we go to the car.  he then mentions how he got great seats and when he was down there getting seats, this lady went off.  and that lady needed her seats right then.  and he said it was quite dramatic.  well it turns out, zoe was that lady.  lol..  more funnies that will be included in her book 1 day. 
 
peace and love to all. capt. signing off.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

well hello from florida.  was kinda bad today.  was overcast all day.  which has not happened in some time. i laid in bed all day.  on my pity pot.  going out tonite to shoot some pool.  get back into the bar scene or so.  i found this place last weekend.  or was told about it.  hoping i can get into some games down there.  and win them, of course.  my sis left for thier criuse today.  so this week i do not know any body down here in bradenton.  i am house sitting and i thought it would be nice to have some company.  who knows.  my neice might come down for a day or so.  i still have to run the office this week.  and then on thursday the boss man told me that he would prefer that some one else run his sale leads this week.  bummer.  i will hopefully get into the sale position when the season hits, in september or so.  that would be nice.  some real money to be made.  other than that, not sure.  i miss zoe again today.  i am going up north or need to before too long.  i feel the need to see her tombstone.  and now that it is there.  i would like to have some flowers delivered to her.   well i am hoping to have this guy tow my stuff down here this next month.  but it does not look good.  he got back in town this week and i have not heard from him.  i am having a friend fly into town for the DMB show.  dave mathews band for those not in the know.  i made this year the year i would see him.  actually made it my new year's resolution.  so this is a first time in a long time that my new year's resolution is going to be done. 
 
well gtg.  hope all is well out there.  peace and love to all. capt. 

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

ALL I WANT IS FOR MY FIRST SALE....!!!!!!!!!! UGH....!!!!!
ALL I WANT IS MY FIRST SALE....UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

today is today. right. i wish i could remember that. i am having some what of a bad day. kinda blueish. miss j is about done and out of the house. i think that takes away some of the hope i still had for that. i do and will miss her, deeply. she will be gone by this sunday, i think she told me. then with maxwell going to the neighbors, there will be no reason to see her. i will miss her. but i know life goes on. i am a great frickin guy and i will do better in the future.. if i could only beleive that most of the time. i would be ok. but just not today. well enuff said about today. i am going to get out of this gutter one day. do it like AA peeps do, 1 day at a time. Luv it. peace and love to all. capt.

Monday, July 12, 2004

well another week has begun. not too bad of a day today. i went out to big lots to get some things for the house. now that miss j is gone, she took most of the stuff, since it was most of her stuff anyway. so i got some flatware, a new coffee pot and other stuff that the house needed. i get to decorate all by myself. what a concept. i get to pick out items that i like and only me. kind of liberating in a way. so i am not doing too bad. i get my moments. i am still working on my grief work and have set up a time to grieve during the day. if you set out some time to grieve, it will help with the sudden attacks during the day. and this seems to be working so far.

buried some of zoe on sanibel this weekend. another goodbye ceremony. this time i had 2 friends that knew her, and i thought it would be good for them to say goodbye as well. they are at the service up north, but you never can get to say too many goodbyes. so zoe will always be on sanibel. then tonite i read her website. i have not done that is some time. here is her link in case you would like to pay her a visit.
www.angelfire.com/ky/zoezone.

her site took her like 3 full days in front of the PC. but she was so proud of it. i did not give her much input, only when she asked about how to do something, i would show her how and then she was off. the site was even mentioned one time in POZ magazine. like i said she was real proud of it.

well enough from me. now miss j is mostly gone from the house. i have been keeping busy and i am also keeping my chin up. peace and love to all. capt.

Friday, July 09, 2004

well i made it through another week. this weekend i am going to sanibel. was going to stay with friends, but no room at the inn. so i booked my own room. going to put some more of Zoe's ashes on the island. she loved shells and she loved sanibel. so my big sister had some of her ashes left from what she and her daughter did. so last night i asked her about them. and sure enough she had some left. so i will bury some with the shells down there. will be nice. some more grief work. closing type of ceremony.

as for other aspects of life. what can i say. miss j is actually moving her stuff out this weekend. i may not be here for that. she is having a friend of her's help her. so i do not have to move her stuff anymore. i still miss her, but i am dealing with life. it was too soon to get involved with anybody after zoe. some people mentioned this, but i was too stubborn to listen. i do and did feel that maybe zoe sent her to me to help me with my loneliness. it has been kinda heavy at the house. but i am strong person and i know that. i am also loveable and one of helluva guy. so miss j is missing out on that for her life. i do not expect to ever have her back. she told me today that we can not even be friends now. what a crock. well her loss.

i am going with life. almost to the point where i enjoy life again. there will be another size 2 woman for me, some where. but i need to be alone for a little bit. deal with my grief for zoe. i have now read 2 books about grief and they have been helpful. they offered little rituals that you can do to help to get the grief out of your system. if you do not deal with it, it can make you go crazy. which this i have witness in myself.

well peace and love to all. capt.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

well it has been about a week since i was last on here. so i will update everyone about life down here. i went to miami last weekend. had a great time. actually met a little latino woman. that is all there is miami. lol. then we went to a drum circle. every full moon there is a drumming circle. almost like a pagan ritual. where about 8 guys play the bongos and all the other hippies just jump about. there was at least 200 people on the beach at midnight. something i may never experience again. then i strutted my stuff on south beach during the day on saturday. wore a tank top and blended in with the other beautiful people. lol. then me and tracie had dinner on southbeach that nite. it was a good trip all and all. i got home sunday to miss j telling me that she is looking for her own place. so things between us are definetly off. and they will probably never be there again. so i have made peace with that. not really but i am going on. she dropped by tonite to get some things, and she looked frickin hot as hell. as usual. i still miss her and would take her back in a heartbeat. but it aint happening, so i am going onward and upward. then this weekend i am off to sanibel island. another wonderful place down here. i have some friends visiting down here this week and they told me to come on down for nite or 2. i plan on getting wild. look out world.

then today i got me and my sis 2 tickets to see norah jones down here in november. so i guess i am staying down here until then. i will probably stay down here. not in the mood to go back up north. tried to get my license plate today, but i need to have the car over 6 months or else go through hell to get a bill of sales. and that is just a lot of hassle. so anyway. i will keep my money for tags for another month.

i am off. peace and love to all. capt.
well it has been about a week since i was last on here. so i will update everyone about life down here. i went to miami last weekend. had a great time. actually met a little latino woman. that is all there is miami. lol. then we went to a drum circle. every full moon there is a drumming circle. almost like a pagan ritual. where about 8 guys play the bongos and all the other hippies just jump about. there was at least 200 people on the beach at midnight. something i may never experience again. then i strutted my stuff on south beach during the day on saturday. wore a tank top and blended in with the other beautiful people. lol. then me and tracie had dinner on southbeach that nite. it was a good trip all and all. i got home sunday to miss j telling me that she is looking for her own place. so things between us are definetly off. and they will probably never be there again. so i have made peace with that. not really but i am going on. she dropped by tonite to get some things, and she looked frickin hot as hell. as usual. i still miss her and would take her back in a heartbeat. but it aint happening, so i am going onward and upward. then this weekend i am off to sanibel island. another wonderful place down here. i have some friends visiting down here this week and they told me to come on down for nite or 2. i plan on getting wild. look out world.

then today i got me and my sis 2 tickets to see norah jones down here in november. so i guess i am staying down here until then. i will probably stay down here. not in the mood to go back up north. tried to get my license plate today, but i need to have the car over 6 months or else go through hell to get a bill of sales. and that is just a lot of hassle. so anyway. i will keep my money for tags for another month.

i am off. peace and love to all. capt.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

see if am making progress. well i see that i need to be alone for some time now. miss j did me a favor by leaving. she is working on herself and i need to work on myself. i have been with some one for the last 12 years and need to be on my own for some time now to make things right. i am so codependent. i see that now. it may not be easy, but i need to be by myself for a little while. we rush things, a tad bit. while i was with her, i did not completely grieve for zoe, and i need to do that. i need to finish that process and then go on with life. yes i did grieve her while we were together, since zoe has been dying for some now. but now that she is actually gone, i need to finish grieving her. then i can make some one else happy. and i will be a lot happier as well. this may not be easy, no one said it would be. but at least, for tonite, at least i can see that. i was wrong to get involved with miss j. as much as i hate to admit it, that i was wrong. but it is truly the right thing. i am a complete person with her or without her. i can make myself happy. and i need to do that for now. i hope this feeling does not leave me in the morning. i am hoping to hang onto this for some time now. so if it was meant to be with miss j and myself, it will happen. i don't need to rush things. i need to finish mourning for my wife. i have been with her for the last 12 years so this might take some time. with miss j in my life, i was postponing my grief. which no one likes to grieve for anybody. but i need to finish tha process before i can be with some one. keep your fingers crossed and say your prayers for me.

as for other news, well i am off to miami this weekend. i have a old friend down there that is moving back to louisville. so i need to see her before she leaves this state for good. i am hoping to enjoy myself down there. get back to having fun in life. i know zoe would want me to enjoy life again. so i am going to do that. looking forward to the road trip. go back through aligator alley. which i have not been down there since 1991 or so. well gtg for now. peace and love to all. capt.