well it does not seem like it has been a week since i have been on here, but it looks like it has.

well the week was busy one. i ran a lot of permits for the hurricane area down south. put like 150 miles on car, each day. but had a good paycheck. biggest one in my working career, but now it is gone with the bills.

feeling very emotional tonite. i sent a poem to miss j. but still feel like she will not be back to me. ever. feeling lost tonite. and i dont know why. my sis wuz down for last nite and we cried a lot together. she is having rough time with her divorce. so we are both going through life changes at the same time.

i get stronger each day, then i take 2 steps back, it feels at time.

i did sell a roof last week. can actually say i am a salesman now.

have not to the gym lately either. maybe i am needing that. besides some company. or a woman. lol.

well not in the mood to share much tonite. i will keep this short. i am still here and kicking. been playing a little more on microsoft zone game site. makes me feel like i have some one to talk to.

much love and peace to all. vernon.

something else to share with whoever is reading this. this is a poem that I wrote my last semester in class. it was a history of New York city and the beatnik generation. how could you not take this class. well we had to write a poem for our last assignment and this is the one that i wrote. not the best poetry, but i have begun to write a little more. actually i have one going for miss j. maybe one day i will share that one. but for now, here is the original one from vernon.


I aint no poet


I stand before you today with a poem to read.

Big deal you reply, we have been listening to poetry all this

Semester.

What will one more poem mean.

Well in this case it means a lot to me.

You see I aint no poet, but yet still I claim to have one for you

today.

This poem is my little window into my soul

I consider poetry a window into the writers soul and very much admire

Anybody that can write poetry so I shall attempt to open my window to

You today

In this class we have listen to jazz, heard the blues, and examine the

Past through some of this century’s greatest writers,

And it was here in this class that I heard kerouac claim to be a great

Poet one must first know misery

Well this poem is about my personal misery and how I should be regarded

As one of the greatest poets around,

Or at least for myself my misery is mine and not yours.

This brings up the question of whose scales do we use to measure this m

Misery?

Yes I know misery but I aint no poet

Who is to say that one’s pain is deeper or bigger than anothers?

Who would want that job?

Some of my misery is imbedded in the loss of my dad when I was 17 my

Dad died from an instant heart attack afters years of alcohol abuse

Then in 1994 I lost my brother to AIDS. He was not onjly my brother

But also my best friend. So I know misery, sometimes as a close friend

But I aint no poet

My brother introduced me to my wife, who happens to be dying of AIDS as

Well

We have had a good life together and continue to live for each day

Together

She was recently put into a nursing home, so now I go home alone

Yes I know misery, but I aint no poet

So here I stand before you today with my poem of misery only to tell

The class that I too am HIV positive, and now it seems that misery

Knocks at my door too often

Yes I know misery but I aint no poet

Like the beatniks looking for immortality, I too search for immortality

Only my immortality would be in the form of a cure and I don’t see that

Happening too soon

So I take ginsburg words to heart as I have heard before that you

Decide that if you die with AIDS or live with AIDS, and I chose to live

With AIDS

My motto now days being carpe diem and fuck the rest of the world

And now that my window is open will you open yours?

and as usual peace and love to all. the reverend vernon.

saw charley's destruction today. it was horrible. it made me feel that i am fortunate and that i do not live in that area. it was just terrible. i have seen tornado damage up north, but nothing like this. all the store fronts were damaged. no store was without. like going down dixie hiway and the store with signs in front all that was left was the frame of them. i mean all of the signs were not there. at the mcdonalds all you could see was the outline of the big M and nothing else. it was sad. it looked like down town bagdad, but you knew that mother nature did this. again it was quite a site. going back down there tomorrow. because it is good for business. they alway say that natural disaster are good for the economy, but bad for the people who live through it.

well enough from here tonite. peace and love to all. vernon

i was wondering if you all had the chance to view zoe's website lately. nothing new, but i will add the link here if you have not seen it, or would like to view it again. you can also email me at the bottom of the page, that email still works. or i am still checking it. her site address is www.angelfire.com/ky/zoezone. she was so proud of it. she did it all by herself, with a little help from yours truly, but she would not admit it. she sat in front of the pc for like 3 days and put it together. it was also mentioned one time in POZ for the cyber site of the month.

well i am off to plod through life so more. peace and love, vernon.

well what be happening. not much here. another monday here in florida. still running down into the hurricane area to get more permits. hurricanes are good for the roofing business. as you can image. not much else to report. i am still kinda lonely. getting some what used to being alone. the summer is coming to an end with labor day almost here. and i started the summer alone, and it looks like i will finish the summer alone. i went and saw the sunset last nite. and once again i was thinking of zoe and saw another rainbow. this one was most unique and that it went from 1 cloud to another cloud. never really came down to the earth, but was in the clouds. i have not seen one of those before. one more sign from the zoester letting me know that she is alright and that i will be alright, 1 day. i am working on my place and getting more and more what i want to decorate it like. again a new adventure, that i get to decorate how i want to. not like my girlfriend or wife would like it. i was alone a lot in my 20's but this time it is some what different. not sure why. maybe because i am an old fart with HIV. but who knows. i will continue with life down here. and i am hoping to get to lousyville next month for the AIDS walk. i am planning on coming up there, or would like to. i need to see zoe's headstone and feel that it will be a help to me with my grief issues.

i am also missing miss j as well. she came by over the weekend just to drop off some pictures she had got in her stuff by accident. she is doing alright. it was good to see her, brief as it was.

well enough from me tonite. i will check in later in the week. peace and love to all. vernon.

well got the zoester on my mind tonite for some reason or another. it has been not even a year yet, but it will be soon enough. still trying to get adjusted to life with out her. i will journey on. was going to share with the world about her last nite with me. it was about 6pm and she wanted to go up stairs and go to bed. first she had to potty, so i told her that she could in her bag (not sure how to spell, clostumy). but she said she needed to sit down. so i sat her down in the bathroom outside our bed room. she got up and the bowl was full of blood. was not sure what to make of that. so she went to bed. she asked for some help to sleep. and i kinda knew what that was. this is 1 of things that has been haunting me this past 10 months or so. i gave her some to sleep. it was a eye drop of something. not sure i remember the name of it. so then i proceeded to give her morphine. i gave her like 3 eye droppers of it. and her breathing was labored. i stay awake until like 4am listening to her breath, trying. it was a long nite. so in the a.m. i got up about 8am and checked her. she was still breathing but more labored or so. i did not think about it at the time. like what the fuck are you doing??? well i was in a coma, mentally. and i gave her 1 more eye dropper of morphine. i feel like i killed her? who was i to take zoe life? but we talked about it before, i guess, i knew the end was close. so i went back to sleep next to her, until about 10am. when i got up she was gone. so that is my tale. my counselor told me that doctors have beening doing this for years. it has been weigh heavily on my mind over the last 10 months. also our doc up north, our HIV doc, who knows up quite well. she told me that the blood in the toilet was probably her kidneys shutting down. so, zoe was not long for this mortal world. it turns out that the day she died is also a anniversary of a close friend of ours in louisville. i was not there, mentally. i try to recall that day, and it is a blur. anyway. i wanted to get this off my chest again. i have told close friends about it, but don't think i have put it here, on the blog.

anyway. enough for now. peace and love to all. vernon.

well almost at the end of another week. it has been up and down. it seems that i need to keep my mind busy with something or another and the time goes by quickly. this week has been hectic at work to say the least. i have been on the road getting permits down south with the hurricane and all. i have been down there every day since tuesday getting permits and even seeing some sales appointment. i am not sure, but i think i might have sold my first roof today. this old man, of course and his wife liked our product and called me later today and said he was interested in buying our roof. of course, i priced it way too low. i was not aware of the fact that smaller jobs cost more to do. live and learn. then he called this other roofer who gave him a quote this month, like 2 weeks ago. he tried to cancel that job, he asked for an estimate only and the other roofer had him sign it, like he was buying it. and the old man was caught in between us and the other roofer. of course the other guy had him sign the estimate and in small print was the statement that he gave him his roof to do. so the old man was frantic when he called me. the other roofer said it was a legally binding contract. and i think the other roofer pulled 1 over on this man. so we are going to look at it tomorrow and see if he can still get out of that 1, and buy ours. it would be way cool if he is able to do that. so we will see if i actually made a sale today or not. stay tuned.

other than that, i am missing my lady, my wife and anybody. had my friend in town from miami last nite. we had some fun. she had a couple of guys with her and we went out to dinner and then me and 1 of them watched the olympics. big nite in bradenton. lol.

and so tonite i am all alone. and i am up and down in mood, that is. i have spent a lot of time with myself as of late. as you can image. i spent the whole summer with myself. and i like that. NOT. i am getting along with myself that is. i am still working out at the Y. and it shows. or some people say it does. since i live with my body i can not really tell so much. but last nite miss T said i look bigger than when she saw me last month.

well gtg. for now. peace and luv 2 all. vernon.

well here i am again. watching the hurricane coverage on the news to let me know that life could be worse. i am sorry for all those people that lost their homes. we at the roofing business did not lose 1 roof due to the winds. due to our design. then there is the story of the rival roof company that had on order something like 80,000 windows for this 1 mobile home park. well the park itself is now gone. so the other company has to eat those windows. too bad, soo sad. but we do not want to chase misery. or the insurance dollar.

as for me, well i have been in the best mood to get on here. so i thought i would spare everyone the sorrow of my life. like i said, i am watching the hurricane coverage to remind me that life could be worse. nothing really happening down here. i am going into the hurricane zone tomorrow to get some permits for the company. should be interesting to say the least. i have never seen destruction from a hurricane. stay tuned. it is probably much like a war zone or so. but aint never seen 1 of those either, thank god and greyhound.

and tomorrow my friend from miami is coming into town with 2 gay men. ought to be interesting. staying at the capt's B&B in bradenton. lol. no love fest, just another visitor. she is also like my sister. i have a lot of sisters in this world. you know what i mean O.H.!! lol.

well nothing else real earth shattering to report, so i will sign off for now. keep those cards and letters coming. lol. peace and love to all. vernon.

well i made it thru my first hurricane. without a scratch. was not as bad as they expected and it did not do what the forecaster thought it would do. it was projected to hit my county but it turn east before it got to us. we had sustain winds of up to about 80 mph when it came by us. i was at my sister house out east. i was going to ride it out at home but decided against it when the people on tv were telling us that we should evacuate. so i did at the last moment. there was even some gas station that ran out of gas and ice. then the 7/11 by my house was even boarded up. you know it is serious when the 7/11 is closed. lol. well just wanted to report in and let you all know i made. peace and love to all. vernon.

new report!!! charley is now a category 2 storm. winds up to 110 MPH. maybe up to Category 3 storms when it hits. think i will get my kite out, lol. c ya.

could be my last transmission. got a hurricane coming rite at us. they are predicting land fall rite here, where i am. not sure if i am going to evacuate or not. i am now in the area that is supposed to be leaving my house. the last time this area took a direct hit was in 1961. lucky me. lol. ought to be kinda wild here in the next 24 hours. we are not opening for business tomorrow. and now clearwater county has mandatory evacuation. and this has never been done. kinda big storm. well i need to get my beer and bucker down at the house. hoping that my car is well. stay tuned. auntie em, auntie em. !!! toto toto. dorothy, dorothy.???!!! we aint in kansas anymore!!! peace and love to all. vernon.

hello o.h. much love. xxx. vernon

well hello world. wanted to let you all know we are under staewide state of emergency. due to the 2 hurricanes out in the gulf. yippeee. tampa bay has not had a direct hit from a storm for about 20 years. ya get mikey down here and you are asking for a direct hit. lol. so this weekend should be quite fun. lol. going to get my canned goods and water and make sure i got my gin and tonic, lol. and ride out the storm. stay tuned. hopefully i will be back on here, soon. i will check in before the storm hits. the news channels down here are buzzing with advice on what to do, when to do it, etc, etc. so i get to ride out my first hurricane. stay tuned. not much else happening. peace and love, vernon.

well made it through another weekend. now monday nite. thank god football starts tonite. at least i will have something to watch.. what else is up??? not much, missing the zoester tonite. i just have her on mind. and last week i was kicked out of the gay group. not sure i mentioned this on here or not. i got an email from the facilitator last week. there were some uncomfortable with me being there. oohwell. first time in my life i have not been accepted by a gay men. frickin faggots. lol. not really. i apologize in advance if i offend anybody on this site. either by name or what. i have to get this off my chest, so i sit here and talk with my PC. lol. i write out my thoughts. if you give your thoughts "life" by vocalising them. then you can really see if you thought was rite or not. someone told me this philosophy over the summer. so i use my blog as a sounding board or so. and maybe it will help some one out there. well gtg. peace and love, vernon.

well it is thursday, must mean vernon went to see his counselor tonite. which i did. she actually told me that my mood has gotten better over the summer. since i had my suicide attempt i have been seeing her weekly. she is nice and has helped me. at least i have some one to talk to besides my family at work. not that they are bad. but it is nice to have some one other to talk to out of the office. i literally do not talk to anybody after i leave work. unless it is in the grocery store, or gas station, or some other service industry. unless i am on the phone. thank god, i have unlimited long distance on my land line. and i have been reaching out as of late. it helps too. i miss zoe and others friends of mine up north. but i am getting stronger with each day. that is my motto.

one more report from last weekend. me and o.h. went to see my sister. she has never met her. vice versa. so we had some drinks during the day. that was usual. o.h. was without kids, since 1954. lol. a very long time. so we enjoyed each others company. some how we started talking about tequila. and i knew that my sis had some left over from the derby party. o.h. said she used to like that. and i have always liked that. so i told o.h. that we would have to have a shot when we got there. i was throwing caution into the wind as well. so we had 1. and things were alright. then we left and had to get some dinner. but on the way we smoked a little. which apparently put o.h. over the edge. we were sitting there at dinner. a little bar/restaurant place where i knew we could get some nice and greasy food. well o.h. went white and had to go out to the car. lol. she was out of it. as for me, i am always out of it. lol. so she excused herself to the car. and as i watched her go to the car, i was worried, to say the least. but i was also worried that she not set off some one else's car alarm. i was not real sure she knew where we parked, or what kind of car we were in. lol. but she survived and woke rite up when we got home. not that she was sleeping. she was not. but miss j had come by during the day and saw o.h. there. i knew miss j was coming and did not tell her, due to the fact that i had nothing to hide. miss j did not think it was funny, or nice, or whatever. she kinda had a moment. miss j came in real quick got her copy of her resume and then told me that she would be over later when we had left to get the rest of her stuff. and so when we got home there was evidence that miss j was here and had gotten more of her stuff out of my place. i was kinda upset most of the day, due to making miss j uncomfortable. i felt bad, but told myself that she left me. so what am i supposed to do???? stay hidden under my covers and crying.??? i did that for the month of june and most of july. but o.h. helped me get out of bed, along with seeing dave matthews in concert. the incidence during the day with o.h. just gave us something else to laugh about. and we did. a bunch. i consider that i gain a new sister in louisville in o.h. she is great. and i am lucky to have her in my life. she is one of the most beautiful women i have had the chance to know over the years. me and o.h. went school together. and that was about 100 years ago. lol.

so i getting on with life, as miss j said. but i told her that nothing happened. and nothing did. i still feel drawn to miss j. but i am getting better, like i mentioned. both of them are both so pretty. to see them both, you would think that you are looking at a monet painting or so. so i am lucky that i have both of them in my life. and life. not to take anything away from zoe. she was also so pretty. and i am quite lucky to have had that love in my life. some one or so, maybe it was in a movie or so. but it mentioned that usually someone only gets 1 true love in your life. and i hope that that is not true. but that is something that i do not dwell on. so with that, i will run for now. peace and love to all. vernon.

well more news about this past weekend. i ate some wild ass stuff for o.h. she made me try some assparagus, mango, fish, salmon, twice, then broccoli and she gave me a new drink to drink when i get a wild hair. coconut flavored rum with orange juice. so it was quite a weekend. if you know anything about my taste buds. i am quite a picky eater. so again we had a great time this past weekend. then here i am on wednesday and i am left wondering when i might have a good time again. i also wonder if i will ever be loved again!!!????? i know i will. i need to keep the faith that i will. i am also debating with myself about going to church this weekend. now that would be world changing occurence.

and right now i am having another alfred hitchcock moment. i am at the office and have been here for about 3 months. well right now there is a large flock of black birds gathering at the construction site across the street. wondering if this mite be another sign. a sign of what, i have no idea. i have never seen this flock of birds before. nor have i seen such a large gathering of black birds. woooweeeooooo. hard to type that sound. lol.

well check back if i make it home today. lol. peace and love to all. vernon.

i need to add some things about last weekend that i over looked. me and miss b (from now on referred to as o.h.) well we had a great time last weekend. we went to the beach and watched the lightning storm out on in the gulf. she tried to take pictures of it, but we had no luck there. we had a great time and went out to eat on friday and then again on sunday. she helped me decorate my house. this was after i had told her that i had some fun, decorating my own house. a new concept for me. since i have not had the chance to do this as an adult. i was not an adult until my 30's. lol. well o.h. helped with that. she spent some cabbage on my house with candles and other items to give my house a femine look or feel to it. maybe this will help me catch a lady or 2 or 3 or 4 or 5, who knows.

o.h. wanted me to clarify these points of last weekend that i truly over looked. i was belly aching over losing and missing miss j. well i need to move on with that aspect of my life. def.

i am going to be strong for me and o.h. from now on. not sure what life may have for me. but again tonite i was debating on going back to louisville. which i do not need to do. rite now anyway. i have a chance to sell a roof tomorrow and i am going to do just that.

well peace and love to all. especially to o.h. xxx. rev. vernon.

well another day down at the office. not too bad today. at least so far. i did not get much sleep last nite. i am hoping to get more tonite. i mite go to my sis's house tonite. not sure i want to spend another nite at home. and then get this. the PWA meeting or support group i crashed on monday nite, well i get a note today that the gay men are uncomfortable with me there. so i am no longer welcomed there. fuck em. you would think that anybody going through this disease or battling this diseased would be welcomed at any meeting. small mindedness is what i see. i have been in this community or the AIDS community now for about 10 years and suddenly i am no longer welcomed. again, fuckem. i will find my support in other areas down here. where i am just not sure, but i will battle on.

not much else is going on. i am doing my best to get through another day here. i have a sale appointment tomorrow. yippee. i am going to make my first sale tomorrow for the roofing gig. i feel it in my bones. i am sure of this. stay tuned. i will report in tomorrow. peace and love to all. rev. vernon.

well it is 4am and i and i am wide awake tonite. i woke up at 130am with a dream about zoe. and i have not been able to get back to sleep. i am going somewhat crazy tonite. not sure what is going on. just missing my wife and companion in this mortal world. wonder if i should take more drugs or get more drugs from the doctor to help me sleep. just not sure about anything these days. i took some flowers to miss j today. and got no response from her. i need to leave her alone, but a big part of me would love to have her back in my life. i am trying to accept the fact that she will not be coming back. it is hard. i think this last year has been one of the most difficult times of my life. surely nothing else that i have to face in life could be any harder to deal with.

on other news about my doctor visit last week. not sure if i reported about that or not. my tcells took a dive. down about 140 points or so. from 486 to 315. but my viral load is still undecteable. the tcells dive is probably due to stress or that i just gave blood when i started my on medicine week. not sure. next time i give i will give when i am on a full week. i need to get out of this funk that is for sure.

not sure what the dream was about tonite, but i think also that kevin was in it too.. maybe they are both trying to tell me something. what that is i am not sure. not sure about anything these days.

my mind is racing and it has no end in sight. i must go on and get myself out of this gutter. it is hard to say the least. wiht miss j out of my life, i wonder if she came back, would she break my heart again in the future? i am going to have go on with out her. then i wonder if she came back would she leave me when i got sick? again i must go on with her. just like going on with out my wife. i miss zoe a lot these days. i need to go up north and see her plot. maybe that will help me close this dark chapter in my life. they say if you give love you get love back. if you give out peace and harmony you get peace and harmony. well what the fuck happened to me as of late then??????

well going to try to get back to sleep now. peace and love to all. vernon.

a sign that i am getting better. i am here at work watching paint dry and i am not crawling out of my skin. this time 2 months ago i would have been awashed in tears. here it is about 430pm and i have not cried today. god i miss my girl, miss j. but i know i must go on. peace and love to all. vernon.

another monday here at the office. took miss B to the airport today. nothing happened between us, which is good. she like a sister to me. we had a good time over the weekend and she dreaded going home. no offense to her kids, she just was not ready to give up the good times we had. we went to see dave together. if she did not come down, i would have ended up at dave by myself. no fun. i am tired of doing things on my own. miss j came by over the weekend as well. i think she was a little pissed at me for having company. like i am supposed to stop living until she comes back. i feel it that she will not be coming back any time. if ever. i am at work alone, of course. need to get back into the Y this week. i am hoping to go there today.

me and miss B had a real good time. dave was excellent. and his 2nd song was grey street. for zoe. i had that song played at her memorial service and so the concert was a fabulous after his 2nd song. i was very glad to hear that song in person. it was raining on us, but we were able to get a cheap poncho to keep the rain off of us. we had some real asswipes around us, thou. this 1 lady had the nerve to ask me if i could move over during the show. this was standing room only and it was in the lawn. i was like i don't think i am moving anywhere. lol. me and miss b still enjoyed ourselves. we laugh, we cried and laughed some more. it was real nice to have some company over the weekend. now i am back to reality. alone. but i am getting better with each day. i hope i am anyway. i pretty much knew that nothing would happen between me and miss b. i am still in love with miss j. but i am going to have to stop that some soon. and get on with life.

well that is about it from here.

i will be carrying on. my new name will be vernon. so this is vernon signing off. peace and love to all. reverend vernon.