well i am back from lousyville. it was a nice trip overall. but it was quite hard at times when i saw zoe's stone. that took me back. it was hard to sit with her and see her name in stone. it was harder than i imaged it would be. i sat with her for about 1/2 hour each time i was alone with her. on sunday and then again on tuesday. almost put me back to where i was before counseling. but i will get on with my life down here in florida. it was nice to see old friends and they were surprised to see me as well. not everyone knew i was coming up. so i was able to surprise quite a few people. but it is nice to be back home again. i feel that florida is more and more my home. so that is good thing. it was weird visiting lousyville and see how all my friends have thier own lives and they did not stop when i came down here. so it was more and more like i made the right decision. the city has too many memories for me. it would not be good to go back there to live, if i ever do. it will be some years from now.

well here i am again. not much happening. except getting ready to go north for a brief visit. i will be leaving this friday a.m. for a 4 day weekend in lousyville. looking forward to it, with some caution. i think it will be hard to see zoe's headstone and the others at cavehill. will be having a lot of emotions flooding into me. i am hoping that this will be one more part of my grief that will help me heal from that loss. i am not sure who i mite see up there. if anybody is interested in seeing me. kinda think i will be let down from the reception. but life does go on.

not much else happening down here. i am kinda feeling some what blue today. not sure why. i think again it is due to miss j. i have left her messages and she still does not call me. would it be so bad to have her call me back? would this bring her down or what? i do not think she has much consideration for her fellow humans on this planet. i am still not over her, 100%. one day this will be behind me. i am hoping.

i am still going to the Y. and then i am out to try to sell some more roofs tomorrow. i have sold like 5 in the last month. just waiting to get them installed so i can get paid for them. then i will be a little happier. money cant buy happiness, but it makes life a little easier that is for sure.

well enough from me now. gtg fix some dinner, peace and love to all. vernon.

well where to begin at. it has been a little while since i have checked in. so i am for sure going to louisville the weekend of sept 24th. we will see who is happy to see me there. and who might show up at wicks pizza next friday. i am hoping to see as most of the people that i would like to. i am for sure going to see zoe's head stone. i am also hoping that that will be some sort of closing ceremony for me. or at least some help with the closing of that part of my grief. i am still missing her like crazy some days. i will be out in the car, traveling with myself and a song will play on the radio and the tears start falling. i am thinking that this is normal for missing a spouse.

i also look forward to being in town while the cards are playing fball. i can at least catch the game on tv up there. and then the aids walk is going on that sunday, so i will take part in that as well.

other news, well i sold a roof this week. yippee. makes for my 5th roof to be sold. now just waiting for installation so i can get my commission. work is going pretty well. as you can image with all the hurricanes we have been having. and of course the family blames me for the all the hurricanes. did not think i would see 1 this summer, let alone 3 of them. but it is good for the roofing business. not good for mobile homes.

what else is happening. not much of anything else. plodding through life and getting on with living.

much peace and love to all. vernon.

well another week about to come to a close. not much happening this week, except we are expecting another damn hurricane this monday. i can not beleive it. it is good for the roofing business at least. that is all i have to say about that. would hate to think that i am going to meet my death in one and join zoe. that would be terrible. going to be staying home so far. it is too far out there for them to make any real predictions about it. so stay tuned. and last weekend we had hurricane frances, and that is all you get on the local tv stations. hurricane coverage. just like when 9/11 happened. me and zoe got sick and tired of looking at dan rather, so we changed my social security number and were able to order cable. thank god. and i just got more cable down here for the cardinals football season. and i was able to watch them kick uofk ass last weekend and did not lose power. like the rest of florida. the cable blink like twice but came right back up, and this was during the game. i was like noooooo, but it came right back up.

well i am still looking at going to lousyville for the aids walk at the end of this month. so look out and i will keep you all posted. was thinking of having people, whoever that may be, to meet me at wicks pizza. going to get a pizza and some green chili wontons at the bristol. besides the people that is all i miss from lousyville.

well gtg for now. peace and love to all. vernon.

well i made it through another hurricane. here i am down here for 6 months and i have already weathered 2 hurricanes. today or this weekend's edition of storms of summer of 2004 was one big ass storm. they evacuated the whole east coast of florida. it was billed as the biggest evac in florida history. glad i was here to see that. i would have hated to be in that traffic for sure.

well as for me, well i am getting through another day. the cards at least won today. big time. like 35 to zip. take that wildcats. lol. and i had a pot of chili and a tail gate party of 1. lol. big time crowd. was a long line for the bathroom at half time. lol. still yelled at the tv. of course. i had to do that. would not have been the same with out that. and of course i am a little hoarse from that. i had lost my voice, as usual last weekend when big sis was here. i think i lost it then due to all the talking i did. i did not get drunk and i don't think i have a cold. so it must have been all the talking i did.

did talk to O.H. tonite. she is having a rough time. i wish i could reach through the phone and give her a big ol hug. she needs one. some of her friends have abandon her. well it seems like they have. so i will call her daily and try to cheer her up. one needs to keep a positive attitude in this life. i should know by now. i have read like 3 books over the summer about grief and the person's attitude. the average person has like 50,000 thoughts in a day. so you need to keep those thoughts positive. or it will drag you down. for sure. and on that topic i saw miss j this weekend. she came by to give me her key. then i called her after she left. i wrote her a poem and she told me that it was foolish of me to think that we would ever get back together. and stinger to my heart. but she has been gone now for like 3 months and i need to go on. that is for sure, as well. it is hard some times, but again i think i am getting stronger each day. and i hope to be going to louisville this month. to see zoe's headstone. i mentioned this to miss j and she said, "who headstone"? duh. mark her down as an experience that it was.

well enough about her. maybe this will be the last mention of her on this blog. she does not deserve any more thoughts from me, or any more typed words on this blog. so slap me if i mention her again. lol. if you can.

i have been writing another poem. this one is for kevin. my brother. i am trying to write a little more now since i have some time on my hands. he has been gone now for 10 years. does not seem like that long. but i miss him at times. next poem will be for the zoester. these are not going to be short poems, i am finding. i write some then leave them and come back to them. (one more mentioned of miss j. she told me that i should write more, she liked the poem i wrote her.) and my counselor mentioned to me, or asked me if i was poet. i was like no. it was when i said that the loneliness of my house hangs from the wall. and it does, but the hanging is getting shorter with each day. i am going to make it. and i am going to make it down here. i am determined to.

well enough for tonite, i think. peace and love to all. vernon

another weekend another hurricane. i am now riding out another hurricane down here in florida. i did not think i would see 1 hurricane my first summer down here, much less 2. and now there is even another one out in the atlantic. i am going to be alright in the house, just hope that i do not lose power.

besides the weather i am cooking some chili since it is the start of the football season for the cardinals. i am looking forward to the game. i ordered cable and got it installed yesterday just in time for the game today. now i pray that i do not lose power. not much else going on. i did see miss j on friday. she came by to give me my key to the house back. she might be moving back north in november. who knows. she told me not to expect to see her any more. life does go on.

i am doing alright. a little bored in the house all weekend. but i do have some cable to watch. and i have the storm coverage on and off. nothing is open down here at all. kinda like a ghost town. i think i will go out later and do some looting. lol. not really. i will check in with you all later. love and peace to all. vernon.

another weekend and another hurricane. this state has not been hit by 2 hurricanes for decades. that is until i got down here. lol. i am doing better today. getting ready to weather out the weekend. planning on doing some cooking this weekend. going to make a pot of chili for the uofl game on sunday. then i might make a cake and then a hasbrown caserole. keep me busy hopefully. had lunch today at hooters, and as usual tried to pick up my waitress. lol. stay tuned. told her she should evacuate to my house for the hurricane. lol.

other than that, i am trying to be in a better mood. i am a great guy and great catch for the next woman in my life. there is nothing wrong with me. i cook, i clean, sometimes, and i treat women like they are gold. so some day my princess will arrive. i will keep you all posted. but before that happens, i am going to enjoy living with myself and do what i want to do, and then make myself happy. i will check in over the weekend. probably during the storm, again.

peace and love to all. vernon

here i sit with out my shit. lol. i am slowly turning into a poet. i am quite lonely tonite. some times it is a crushing hurt deep inside. i know that it will get easier one day. just seems like it is forever to get to that point. i feel that i will be okay one day and my life could be worse. but i am just living in this present moment. i almost feel as if i have lost all my dreams of yesterday. my counselor asked me about 2 weeks ago where do i see myself in 5 years. i could not picture it. it took me some time to come up with anything to say. it is now sept 1 and i am glad august is over. the summer is about over to. that is for folks up north. i am now living in the land where summer is always in season. i will see what the winter will bring.

i am waiting to see that game this weekend. and i am glad it is on espn. i went on the uofl site today or yesterday and almost cried. i do not think that if i was back up north things would be any easier. i must continue to plod on.

well enough of this sadness for tonight. peace and love to all. vernon.