dialogue to self about meds and life, i am HIV positive with Hep C

Friday, October 29, 2004

well i am still here. i have not had much to say on the happy side, so i have not been on here for awhile. i have been busy with the kerry campaign. doing some work for the PAC moveon.org. i am a precinct leader and doing a lot of canvassing, trying to get the kerry vote out. we need to send bush back to texas. please america, hear me now!!!!!

well not much else happening. i actually have a blind date tonight. and i have never been on one of those before. so it should be interesting. we are meeting at a nice place on the water. stay tuned. i will let you all know how it goes. i am not putting too much stock into though. dont want to be let down if it turns out to be a disaster. you know me and my attitude. lol. i am kinda nervous, since it has been years i have been on a real date. hopefully it will go swimmingly.

well and the weather down here is nice and sunny. it does not feel like october. i dont think i have been able to wear shorts in october before. surely does not feel like halloween time. this might take a couple of years to get used to that.

as for miss j, well she has moved on, and i do not know where she is in this city. no phone number or address for her. i am sure the family is happy about that, but i still had some little hope left in me for us. ugh. well onward and upward.....!!!

it will soon be 1 year with out zoe. can you beleive it. i miss her still. and i am still in counseling. so i am doing what i can to be healthy, or at least in my mind. but there are times when the song on the radio hits me and i break down and cry. i wonder if i should be with anybody these days? i know the loneliness is getting easier. i dont mind it as much. but it is still there.

well i am off. love you all. capt vernon.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

it has been about 2 weeks since i have been on here. well nothing new to report really. i have been up and down. last week was kinda hard for some reason or another. it was kevin 10 year anniversary and i know that can only mean that miss zoe's 1 year is not far off. has it been that long? it seems like yesterday. but only the calendar knows that it has been 1 year. you know i have that last night in my mind so vividly. and i try to recall our last conversation we had. and you know i can not for the life of me remember that. it might have been when hospice came in for the intake interview. after that she was not really herself. i guess she sensed that the end was really there and she tried to keep me from thinking about it. you know it just came to me like that. she was trying to protect me. can you image that, as she laid there dying she was still thinking of me. she was that kind of person. and i miss her. she is still in my heart and soul. i must go on. and you know there are days when i feel that i may never be happy again. is that not absurd or what? surely i will find happiness again, where i do not know. but then that is life. if we knew all, it would not be worth living for. right? when you are a kid and you wish for christmas to be here. and you hear you parents or another elder tell you "don't wish your life away" . well that is so true now a days. i wish only that i could talk to her 1 more time. do you think she knows how i feel? i hope so. i know she is in a better place and out of pain. only if i could find a place with no pain. then i will be happy... we hope or wish.

well rev vern signing off for now. i mite be back soon. peace and love to all.

Monday, October 04, 2004

well another week has started and i am actually in a good mood tonite. i got my house to myself and i kinda like it. i can watch whatever the fuck i want to on TV. what freedom. and i can eat whatever i want to as well. again what freedom. taking this freedom thing too far. lol. well wanted to report that i am in a good mood tonite and thought that i would share this with whom ever maybe reading this. also get and vote soon. and vote for KERRY. we need W outta there. asap. thank you for tuning in tonite. peace and love, doormat.
well another week has started and i am actually in a good mood tonite. i got my house to myself and i kinda like it. i can watch whatever the fuck i want to on TV. what freedom. and i can eat whatever i want to as well. again what freedom. taking this freedom thing too far. lol. well wanted to report that i am in a good mood tonite and thought that i would share this with whom ever maybe reading this. also get and vote soon. and vote for KERRY. we need W outta there. asap. thank you for tuning in tonite. peace and love, doormat.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

alone again. my new nickname will be doormat. it seems that i like to be stepped on by people who i want to trust. i just kicked out my new roommate after he did not have any money for the 2nd week. i wanted to believe that he would come up with the money some how, and after he told me that his brother was going to send some money to him. well he did not and i had to take the harsh actions of kicking him out. am i too nice? or just naive? i don't know. so now with him and then miss j earlier in the year, i have no trust for other people. people are ruthless until they act otherwise. just the opposite of being innocent until proven otherwise. like the law. but i know that i need and will meet some people down here that have a nice heart. somewhere. and also my neighbor down here also owes me money, since july. so i am going to have to harden my soul or something. try to live for myself and no one else. and look out for myself and no one else. that just seems to be a harsh way to live life. but i am learning each day if one is to survive that i need to take this attitude towards others. it also may be the crowd i am hanging with. so i am going to start anew again this week. let's see i think that is like the umpteenth time this year i have started over again. or at least it feels that way. again i find myself feeling empty inside. and i have no one else to blame except for myself. another hard lesson to learn. let's just hope that i can learn from this and not trust another fuckin soul down here. lol. if only it was that easy. well capt doormat signing off. peace and love to all. one day maybe that love and peace will come back to me.
alone again. my new nickname will be doormat. it seems that i like to be stepped on by people who i want to trust. i just kicked out my new roommate after he did not have any money for the 2nd week. i wanted to believe that he would come up with the money some how, and after he told me that his brother was going to send some money to him. well he did not and i had to take the harsh actions of kicking him out. am i too nice? or just naive? i don't know. so now with him and then miss j earlier in the year, i have no trust for other people. people are ruthless until they act otherwise. just the opposite of being innocent until proven otherwise. like the law. but i know that i need and will meet some people down here that have a nice heart. somewhere. and also my neighbor down here also owes me money, since july. so i am going to have to harden my soul or something. try to live for myself and no one else. and look out for myself and no one else. that just seems to be a harsh way to live life. but i am learning each day if one is to survive that i need to take this attitude towards others. it also may be the crowd i am hanging with. so i am going to start anew again this week. let's see i think that is like the umpteenth time this year i have started over again. or at least it feels that way. again i find myself feeling empty inside. and i have no one else to blame except for myself. another hard lesson to learn. let's just hope that i can learn from this and not trust another fuckin soul down here. lol. if only it was that easy. well capt doormat signing off. peace and love to all. one day maybe that love and peace will come back to me.

Friday, October 01, 2004

here is another poem for the masses. hope you like this one too. i am working through my grief with poetry. a talent i did not know i possessed. until recently. i have a lot of time on my hands and so i go over these in my head. and try to put the words together before putting them down on paper, or into the pc. this one is for zoe.

I miss

I miss those carefree days of yesteryears

When all we had was each other

i miss her sweet smell

i miss her blue eyes

i miss conversations with her that made no sense

i miss walks in the park with her

those late nite ice runs

i miss the color of fall leaves and walks in the park with my sweetie

i miss the art shows

and one can not forget endless weekends spent at the flea markets

where she would always get gifts that she never sent to whom they were

intended to go to

and those weekends mornings where I would awake to find the zoester gone
but I always knew she was out at the yard sales where she would be gone

for 8 hours or more

where she would bring home more shit than our house could hold

I miss the many live bands we saw, where she would always want to get

closer and want to get an autograph

There is more than once she was successful at that task

i miss those late nite chinese runs

i miss those endless doctors appointment

i miss the pill bottles

i miss all the things i used to bitch about

if only i had more time with her

I miss her many trips to the ER where she would always rebound and we

all thought she would rebound from this last time,

She over came so much in her life.

Even she did not want to believe that she was dying

Telling friends about her last stay in the hospital was due to the heat

of the summer and food poisoning from a bad lobster

now I will live with her spirit of life and she will always be with me

in my heart

but most of all i miss my wife


i hated english in high school and college. so i never thought i would be writing poetry. but it may help with my feelings. it is also another release. the next one i write will be for some one that is living or maybe about a thing or so. not necessary for anybody. maybe. although i need to write one for the jerrmeister. uncle jerry for those out there not in the know. zoe and kevin and uncle jerry all buried at cavehill. we have 4 plots and i am the last one living. and this past weekend and before i left for the sunshine state i paid them a visit and it was no fun. it was really hard and especially this past weekend. i did not know how i would take seeing zoe's headstone. but it took me back. seeing her name in that stone. it was a heavy trip. to say the least. i have had her on my mind all week long. my counselor said it is good that i got the first visit back home over. so maybe next time it will be easier. i am hoping. not sure when i will get up there again though.

well anyway. we have a weekend down here with out a hurricane. not sure how people will take that. lol. it has been one wild ass hurricane season. to say the least. well peace and love to all. rev. vernon.