capt. log, life sux. i am trying to get by with out my lady love. she went back to louisyville yesterday and i am of course miserable. i almost lost it last nite. what was i thinking about when i said i would move down here???? well things are some what better today. got another plane ticket for miss j. she will be back on the 10th of april. and we are going to continue this until we get a house. i did get approval for loan this week. now just finding 1 with all the parameters for FHA loan. well who knows.

ok, so here i am again. wanted to report my blood work details. my viral load was at 66ml. at this was given at the end of my "on" week. actually it was given on the very next day. so my virus is rebounding within 12 hours of being off drugs. but it is responding still to the meds. my viral load in december was 256. and that was at the end of my "off" week. so the good doc told me to give at the end of my "on" week. since i was given for my lipid panel i had to give while i was fasting. so i forgot about that had had to wait 1 day to give. so that is why it was done on wednesday. and my tcells are the highest they have ever been at 681. with all this turmoil in my life, i thought for sure that my blood work would be whack out. but it wasn't. 1 less thing to worry about.

my love of my life is coming down to tomorrow. yippee. to save me from my loneliness. yippee. miss j should be arriving on a plane tomorrow afternoon. thank god. until she is here, i will not believe.

work is going alright. i am still new to it, so it is alright. as you can image. you know the feeling of the new job and all. well until next time. my mood is some what better, since i know my love is coming tomorrow. so i have something to live for. lol. peace and love, capt.

i have to have faith that it will all work out in the end. but if am not happy, it seems to be my call then, right? who is to say where i should go from here. ?? and what i need to do. ? i think i jump ship to early in louisville. and nothing will ever feel right again.? that would suck really...well stay tuned. i am outta here now. p/l capt.

still have not seen my last blood work. not sure i want to. it might be bad, which i feel it will be. then that will be something else to worry about. people move out of state and out of town every day in this world. i am just not sure why i can not accept it and go on with life. i am fricking extremely lonely down here. and yes i got family all around me. but i am used to dealing with out them. so i am not sure what the hell i am going to do. well that is enough belly aching for now. peace and love to all and keep me in your prayers. capt.

well i am back to report in. and life is shitty right now. i am down in florida and trying to go on with my life. i am with out miss j. which does not help. i am lonely as shit and just working. i have no social life at this point. and i know it has only been 1 week, but i miss my life in louisville. already. i am going to try to stick this out for a month, if i do not commit suicide in the interim. lol. zoe's bday is tomorrow and not sure how i will feel then. but if today is any measure, i am going to be crying all damn day.

will end for now. not much else going on. waiting for blood results that i gave last week. might have to get those faxed to me. p/l. capt.

hoping the CARDS will come through for me while i am away. that way i am sure to miss the hoopla. not much else is going on. me and the new woman have kinda split up. wuz hoping to take her with me. but we have a lifestyle difference. so it is best that we split now...we rushed into things anyway. and i still do not know what i want from life. maybe a MLS in florida. tampa has a good school for that. i have heard through the grapevine.

will still be wearing RED, of course

the last monday of the last week of being alive...no i meant in lousyville. lol. went to the twig and leaf today for breakfast. 1 last time. will be leaving town this wednesday. with all the best of luck i can muster. have not been over to cavehill yet. car is getting some last minute repairs from my all time cheap ass mechanic. will miss him for sure. saw my hair cutter last week, and it was hard to say bye to her. she has been cutting my hair for like 20 years or so. her husband and i were in middle school together. time for some new memories now. this town is just not the same with my wife gone. doing everything by myself and all. and this house reeks of her. so it is best that i leave all together now.

i have lost about 7 pounds in the choas of this year. but i hope to be settled some where within the next month. and i hope to check back in a little more than as well. if i can get used to my sis slow ass dial up service. hope to install wireless in home there, and then get DSL or something....look out shelly, here comes the capt.... love you all. me. p/l capt.

f....insecure...neurotic...emotional.... FINE. today is thursday and i have given myself to get the truck next wednesday and start the process. been boxing up left and right and up and down, and have been over the goodwill enough times that i know them by first name now. every thing must go. and no mother i am not throwing out any pictures. but i have seen enough of my wife that it has been the hardest. i think. i see her almost every where i turn in the house.... so i saw the good dr. H this week and gave blood yesterday. we will see how those results come out.

well i am back.. for now... it is about time to move to FL and i have my head up my ass. people move every frickin day in this world, and well i feel lost. and i know it will get better down south. something has to get better. too many memories in this town. i the last man standing, like the omega man... if ya remember that movie from 71 or so. other than that i am fine.

back from DC. and it was a good trip. miss j join me there for a good time. i saw the leg. aide on tuesday, all by myself. hope our visits to their offices will help in some small way. it was cool. had my best suit on and went into the capital offices lookin important. although only got about 5 minutes of her time. she looked bored. oohwell. then went into baltimore for a day. and went to the mall area and went to national gallery twice. took the audio tour the 2nd time. it was nice. well now i am back and we are lookin at movin. or at least the landlord would like me gone by the 3rd or so.. he claims he has people interested in the place. so that ought to be fun.

well not much else to report on. peace and love, capt.

well guess who...i am back after a long wild trip with miss j. she still with me so...far. i am off to washington, DC tomorrow. do some marching on capital hill for the aids drug assistant programs in the united states. our congress and the president are providing funds for our folks to go play solidiers and policepeople all over the globe, while our own citizens are dieing from AIDS due to the fact that they are being put on to waiting list for assistants from the states. and the new drugs are costing more and more so the states are running out of money... not a pretty picture.


we all for life...jury is still out on that. not sure if i am staying local, or just going local. lol...wanted to check in real quick and say hello. hello. peace and love capt. will jot down a note or 2 when i return. c ya.

i am a live...just too busy with my new woman to get on here much. we are off to Washington DC this month to talk about the AIDS drug assistant plans that are not being funded real well. we are off to capital hill on the 23 thru 25th of feb. all is well with me and miss j. we are doing great and will be soon moving in together. will try to write more later, or soon. peace and love. capt

no idea what is going on....stay tuned.. peace and love, capt.

love life is going alright, i think and hope. i am head over heels for miss j. hope we can work things out. i feel as if i am damged goods, with this HIV stuff. no fun. and my poz life, or single life may have just begun. who knows. altho i may not be single for too long.

well i do see doc tomorrow. hope to get some more good news there. hope my blood work is back. some of it should be. will check in tomorrow or over the weekend about that.

work w/moby the other day. we shot the new basketball dorm at uofl. so i wuz of course in hog heaven. saw most of the team. i wuz like hey ellis how is your leg?? hi otis, and shook his hand. and helped garcia with the door 1 time. all but asked for a autograph. lol. i told moby that i kept my foam finger at home, lol. did not think it would be appropriate to hassle them inside their home. since the dorm is just that. well checking out for now. peace and love, capt.

well hello world today. i am doing alrite i guess. not sure just yet. not sure about what to do with life, today. look at moving out at the end of this month. who knows. not sure today at all about life. had some decisions dropped in my lap over the last couple of days, and just not sure what to do. rite now. anyway. maybe tomorrow will be a better day. how long have i been using that line. lol. im thinkin of having a moving sale. will make that as a small goal or so. shoot for the 24th of this month. and of course with the weather, it would have to be in doors. is there a life book that i missed over the years? i dont think so. we all have to do what we can to get by. life sux, then ya die. no good.

i am having a lovely evening w/miss j. capt signing off.

good morning. short note to say hello today. i am off to work with the moby today. so you can tell by the time. not much else happening. did sleep well last nite. think it wuz from the nite before. will be draggin later. we are off to shoot the new dorm on campus for the bball players. hope to run into some of them. would be real cool. should i take a autograph item. lol. maybe. hope to see miss j today. did not see her last nite. she wuz recouping also. called miss R last nite. and may go see a movie with her soon. if not this weekend. see the LOTR movie. i have only seen it once. so i am over due to see it again. well gtg. checkin in to say hello and that i made it through another nite. the bed is aweful lonely. not sure about moving or what i am going to yet. need to make an appointment house of ruth asswipes. they fired 1 of the workers, mine over the holidays, due to the fact that the new director did not like her going out and doing HIV prevention. now how F@@@@@@ up that???? they are an ASO and they do not want to bring in more money for prevention. that is f@@@@@ up. again. well enough venting. peace and love. capt.

but i am managing. doing the AA thing, 1 day at a time. lol. don't do Bill W. just familiar with the cult. lol. well going to check out...makin some dinner, for me. and me alone. again. love and peace to all. capt signing off.

on other news, went to my hospice greiving class last nite. was of course, the youngest 1 there. a lot of older people, but my heart goes out to them. some of them were like in relationships for 50 years or more. i wuz like, well i only 12 years invested. but still well all had that in common. we had lost our spouse. it is a 6 week course. so i will you all posted on the developments....1 lady had only been married for 7 years, but she mentioned that it took her 40 years to find her husband. he was a marathon person and everthing. he was going to run a mini in town the very next day, when he dropped dead. out of the blue. my loss in a little different...only that i had time to mourn. ...but still it is a loss. and we all lost our partner. even though i knew she wuz going to die, it still is a different ballgame when they are actually gone. you can image all you want in your mind, but until it happens, it is not the same.

hello world. i am doing alrite today. almost 2 well. not sure. well where to begin. miss j came over last nite and stayed until 7am. need i say more. lol. yes. capt is back. lol. well not sure how this will go. my new online name is captlatex420@yahoo.com. lol. i will also be wrappin my willy. anyway. it was nice to know that some one like me can still do this with a negative person. i had heard all the ins and outs about dating in the positive age. so i can only guess, i will add my own portion to the myths abot poz/neggies dating. stay tuned.

well my heart is alive again. miss J called me tonite. thank you for hangin in there with me. capt signing off.

ok, so life will go on with out some one in your life. it just does not feel good to me. at least not yet. lately, i have been told by 2 other persons that it will take 1 year to feel normal again. it is going to be 1 fuckin hard year. that is all i have to say. see doc this week, gave blood last week, so i should know about those numbers this week. see if i did any more damage to my liver over the holidays. then my bday is the 14th. so send those checks now. lol. well until next time. and i am off of here now. gtg some dinner in me. love you all out there in cyberspace. capt.

hopin miss J. will call me back some time tonite. well and then the real world starts tomorrow. i am not looking forward to it. not sure why. but i might look for a job this week, if the photo studio does not open up or he gets some jobs so that he can hire me. go to www.moberlyphotography.com and hire him. you will not be disappointed. also go to jpl.nasa.gov. to see images of MARS. it is alive again. all those little kids that will shape their life around this day. when they saw mars come alive with pictures. some of them will know right away that they want to get into astronomy. and the world will be a better place. well enough of my boring life for today. peace and love, capt signing off.

Mars is alive...yeah. on a day when Mars, 100 million miles from earth comes alive, my heart feels dead. again i missing out on love. something like that or so. was elated when i awoke this morning. not really elated. but glad in my heart. but tonite comes and once again i am alone. sux. well life will go on. i am glad the rover landed on mars. not my life, or my rover, but if gives everyone some interest in space. and i love space. and boy do i have a lot of it in my life. empty space that is. this too shall pass.

life is good again. just got back from dinner w/miss J. what a lovely woman she is. also thinks i am nice to look at as well. gotta like that. did not have to wait and ask for a kiss. she kissed me. im in love. there is life after miss Z. stay tuned. blew me away 2nite. damn good nite. well enough from me 4 tonite. capt signing off. peace and love.

back to check in again. miss B. told me tonite that she does not want a future with me. i guess because my lack of financial background or my disease, or something. may be i am too nice to her. who fucken knows at this point. i am deflated. but again will pick myself off of the floor and carry on. until next time. do have dinner date with miss J. tonite. maybe she can see past my poorness. florida is looking more and more like a place to get the fuck away. well peace and love to all. capt.

gave blood yesterday and will have results posted here next friday, week from this friday see ya then. capt.

well happy new year to all who may read today's installment. going to be short. wanted to check in and let you all know i made it through the holidays. tonite being the biggest, to me. not much for the commercialization xmas has become. should be about love, love, love. maybe i am asking too much. hope mikey can get some love, love, love soon. lol. well capt signing off. p/l

well and then i think i will just stay home this new year eve. wuz hoping to be with miss B. but have not clarified that or not. i got a bottle of jaigermiester.. it is chillin in the freeze as i type. so it will be ripe in 3 days. lol. well capt checkin out for the nite. the house is lonely as shit. so is my life. it sucks. i hope this too shall pass. who knows. fuck it all. peace and love, capt.

had friends over 2 nite. was nice to be social again. went to a party last nite.. wuz the only straight male there. so that was a thriller. got some free drinks and free shrimp and left. lol. it is the holidays now...

today not much happened. bengals lost...lost thier chance for post season as well. oohwell.. life is still kinda lonely. i need a new book to read. codependent no more. might work for me. will order it on the library web site. still not sure about south. still not sure about life. still have not seen miss B. since i have been back. been about 2 days now. and did not see her much before i left. who knows about that.

what else did i think of...oh and how women in this world only like you if you have money. i think this society pushes that. and it sucks. for sure. i am really pissed at the world rite now. and just sick of life rite now. hope this too shall pass. will check back maybe when i am in a better mood. capt signing off. peace and love.

so i thought about life here and life there. and it would be lonely down there. and i would have to work my dick off...but the money would be good. but i hate to sell out for that. but it looks better than being poor and maybe ladies like miss B would be more attractive to me. i am a person with no money and a disease. not a very good prospect for a life partner. so screw this city and im outta here. probably.

just got back from trip down south to see fam. in tampa. where to begin at. well first starters i think i will probably be moving down there. it turns out that the little lady i was pursuing here in town, found out how poor i really am...and she does not want anything to do with me. i feel. she did not return calls on christmas...not that that matters...lol. still wont take my calls. well may be better off any way. did nothing but think on the road trip. had not much else to do. not much conversation with 1 person. just traveling with my CD's and we made the trip in about 13 hours. with a lay over in georgia somewhere. paid for a 8 hour nap. hit the road this a.m. at 4. so i was home early in the day.

life sucks and it's aftermath does too.

well today i am in florida, alone. yes family is here. but i still feel alone. still think they would like to have me down full time. just don't feel right. and coming down here drove down alone. and was really alone at the hotel room. well another reason i am down. is this special girl in town would prefer to remain goodfriends instead of getting more serious. she is going through a divorce and maybe we could be more after her divorce, but i don't feel that she likes me that way. i am care deeply for her and could give her love like she never has before. but i am a poor person and do not think any women would like to date or even see some one that is poor like me. i am crazy for her and know i could give her love like she never had before. she has 1 husband that beat her. that is just as bad a child abuse in my eyes. no man should ever hit a woman. period. well tonite i am feeling more and more alone in this world. i will have to trudge on. peace and love, capt signing off.

capt here checking in. i am feelin the zoester today. she will be missed many days. i don't think i was on here much the week she died. she went peacefully in her sleep. and then the day after her service there was an aurora seen in the skies this far south. in ky. there was even a picture of it from florida. it was on the astronomy website today. it was submitted from FL. kinda cool. so i wanted to make sure i had this in my log. i know the whole USA or more saw the aurora, but it was like Zoe telling me she would be ok and that i will be ok. you see from my blog address, i am a big space fan. space cadet. so the aurora being seen that close to her death. i can only see it as a sign from her. well that was it for now. peace and love to all. capt.

not much else is happening here. i am slowly going through my house and clearing it up. what a hassle. still not sure about the future. i am almost back to going to florida now. last week it was to stay home in louisville and go on. may be get my MLS but today and some more this week, i am like f@@@@@ this place. i am outta here. and go work and be a laborer for awhile. i do not have much to offer the opposite sex...as any way of income... so i am not sure what i need to do, or what i will even do. well journey on. capt signing off.

pick myself off of the floor and go on.

at the moment i am ok. just ok. i am eating and having dinner at the table. that was 1 of the hardest things to do. you see my wife came back from so much before. she truly over came a lot in life to get this far. it is just the fact that she did not make it this time...hard to deal with. some of the people that i called that day were shocked...that it actually happened this time. and she will not be coming home from the hospital any more. and i will not get any more midnight runs for chinese. no midnight ice runs...no midnight white castle runs...what will i do.???

going down next week for some fun in the sun. hope to god it is warmer this time. last month, it was a bit chilly some. too much so. my fam in florida likes the cold for the holidays. screw that. i did not go down there to have it snow on me. i will have to pack a jacket at least this time. going to be house sitting for 1 sis and visiting with the other. i guess it will be nice to get away for the christmas holiday. i feel some what like i am running away from something here. i need to deal with that. and it will hit me next month at home.

i have my moments. my bro in law lost his mother today. so it kinda opens my wound a little bit more. i will survive. all i know is that i miss my wife. as you can image. the house is still so quiet. will take some time to get used to it.

each day gets easier and at the same time it gets harder.

well enough rambling for 1 day. peace and love to all. capt.

this is a major step in my life and i would not to rush into things. or anythings for that matter. that is about the only thing i am sure of...weather sucks here. that is for sure. east seattle. we never see the sun in the winter time. it bites. i am off to dinner with my old boss. get me out of the house... at least. went by the cemetary and saw the gang last week. was not too bad. as bad as i thought. you know it is true nothing is ever as bad as it seems. at least not for me. i am big worrier. big time. big time. runs in the fam. genes i thinik.

well i am back. for a little bit today. i am kinda at a lost...as you can image. i am not sure what to do with my life now. i will def keep you posted. i am missing my wife now. it was kind a sad day. not much to do...phone rings way too infrequent... way too frequent. i would not be missed here, i feel. and not missed down south yet, becuase they always miss me. would be nice to be around my nieces and nephew in florida...but there is so much here for me. i think i should do what i can on my own. never used to doing the "group" think way. i hate to be told what to do...unless i am working of course.

well enough from here for now. if i get depressed, and i am sure i will when this chick tells me she can not get involved with me due to me going to florida. well there will be others...i hope. thinking of changin my email name to CAPTBIOHAZ, or CAPTLATEX.... see ya, p/l miquel.

so family wants me down there right away. then this hot ass chick wants me up here...what to do...what to do... i will keep you all posted...if anybody is reading this.

well then my bro in law offers me this sweet ass position with his company down in florida. would be tough work, but would be just the ticket i need to get my ass back in the swing of things. and into work as well. i am leaning towards taking it. but then this girl from my past, did not date her. but she calls me 1 day before the funeral. and i was like DAMN. and we had dinner last nite together. i am on top of the world right now. will it hit me 1 day...who knows. i am right now, this instant so happy, that i am not sure how to cope with it. have not been this happy in years, and years.

zoe now has been gone about 3 weeks, and i have not had time to mourn her yet. that is why i think it will hit me sooner, or later. the holidays coming up will be no fun. i am at a loss for words. the paper here wrote up a little tribute yesterday for her. since i was doing an WORLD AIDS day speech, they mentioned that, and then about her passing. they are nice folks. i wonder if the locals are tired of hearing about me. naw.

well i am back. from where i do not know. yes i do, i wuz in florida with family for turkey day. first time in like 20 years or so, that my sisters and i were together. it was a nice day all around. all nieces and nephew and the rest of the family.

well i am doing alright so far. waiting for it to hit me, still.

well still my life will not be the same. it won't be for some time now. i hope to feel better, and maybe even have a girlfriend 1 day. who knows. i am sure there are some out there that would not mind going out with someone with HIV, but i am special. i don't think there are even that many men who would treat their women so fine. i am sure. well i am lonely now. and there is no turning back now. i do hope i feel better soon. but it will not be soon enough. capt signing off...peace and love.

well it has been over 1 week now that i lost miss zoe. i am missing her now. i am now off and spending some time with the family in florida. i am doing alright, i guess. just not used to having this much time for myself. it was a nice funeral. she would have been proud, i hope. play REM you are the everything, and third eye blind, how's it going to be. and then 3 other songs. it was nice. i truly believe that her kidneys failed that day. so she is no longer suffering. she would be in pain, i know that.

so now there are 3 bodies, actually 4 over at cave hill. you see we have had her dads' ashes with us for the last 7 years. and his ashes will be placed into her urn...this was one of her last wishes...i am hoping she does not haunt me. lol. she was a remarkable woman and she touched many lives while she was with us. they don't make too many of her. she is my new angel up above. hope she will help me in my life. until next time. capt signing off. p/l

well where to begin at. my wife died yesterday. have not been in the mood to come back here for awhile. i feel like i have talked with the whole city about her and what happened. she passed away in her sleep and went peacefully as we all would like to do so...she will be sorely missed. nov 13, 2003 another anniversary to remember. no fun...been quiet around the house as you might image...fisrt month will be the hardest, i think. as for my health, well i am alright physically at least. my tcells are at the highest point ever while i have been infected. and my hiv viral load, i hope is still undetectable. i should get those results next week. have not been in a rush to get those back...

not sure what else to share with you all tonite...just soon to be me...i am sure i will be back...until then...capt signing off.

if so then, that is that...she has fought the good fight...then there were 3. 3 of what you say...3 of them at the mighty big cavehill in the sky...you see myself and zoe and my brother and uncle jerry are all buried or have plots at the best damn cememtary in the nation, if not the world....called cavehill in lousyvill, ky. so if my wife is going soon, there will be 3 buddies to visit when you go for a stroll through the woods on the grounds...

she has not given any blood as of late...for any results to get back for her...i am not sure if she is aware of her surroundings....but then over the weekend...she wanted to phone a lot of friends to say goodbye or so...she did talked to her daughter for about an hour. which was good. i was wondering all the time if this is the last phone call that candice will get from her mother...made ya stop and think...thought the same thing when she came home this past weekend in ambulance. might this be the last time she comes home...

how is the world today??? who knows.. it has been awhile since i checked in.. thought i would jot down some thoughts. the misses came home last week from the hospice center. came home on wednesday with the intentions of dying at home. she has stopped all meds, except the ones to keep her comfortable. she sleeps even more so now..weeks, if days.. but who knows.. she has rebounded before...we can only hope from this point on.... just what the lord of the rings is about...never lose hope...

having a bad moment at this time. zoe might be coming home. which would be great, don't get me wrong. i am quite releive that she is doing so well. kinda shocked as well. but i will take the good with the bad. not much else is going on. i did my talk today. talked to group of about 30 persons about safe sex and hiv. then i was approached about speaking on Dec. 1, 03, for world AIDS day. get to tell my story again for that day. i don't know, i am just burnt out or something. i will check in when i am in a better. peace and love, and journey on. capt.

mentally and physically exhausted, the capt...

what will i do with out her...well who knows.. i would like to start on my masters...need to take GRE and try for MLS...it will be a strange new world..zoe and i have been together for over 10 years now... or close to it...my bro was going to and did invite her on our trip to DC in 1992... to see the quilt...i get that heavy heart feeling just talking about it...i hope to sleep tonite...well kevin did want us to get together at 1 point in life...then he went off and died...now she is close to joining him...in the big cavehill in the sky...there will be memories galore in this city after she leaves us...i might just have to leave town...for sure...for awhile anyway...not sure about my meds when and if i go. the system drags you into it..and sucks on you until you are dry... so it will be hard...but no one ever said life was a carnival right...until next time...capt signing off.. c ya.

tonite she is resting and has been since 7pm... maybe get hospice in tomorrow...thinkin about putting her in a hospice center for 5 days or so...give me some time away.. is that selfish??? who knows... i know i need some time away from this maddness.. tha is my life...stay tuned.. i am sure i am going to be lost for some time with out her...and it is looking more and more like that...got that news today...doc thinks we will see nothing but steady decline from here on out...well you guys out there...get busy living...that is for sure...i need a day at the beach...with some heinken...my sis always keeps me in stock with those...get some ready...

well where to begin at.. for 1 hospice did not come over today, like they said, frick..i blame myself for letting it get this far along.. kinda was hoping to get some help today..well it figures, you hear nothin but good things about hospice, until you need them.. they did have the wheelchair delivered..she did not use it today..and she is getting more and more nonresponsive..my heart is heavy with the thought of losing her..she has battled back from so much...ya just kinda get used to it..this time looks different...going to be hard the first month..first year...like the movie shawshank redemption.."get busy diing..get busy living..." luv that movie...it is thought like that that help me along with this journey..

she is resting now. seems like she has been taking some naps as of late. i am doing alright i guess. hangin in there as good as it can get with calling in hospice for your spouse. we are supposed to be in the local paper here, and it might end up being her OBIT. we will have to see. she is a strong woman and will continue to amaze people. she has been down before. and yes one of those times was with me, again in october. lost my bro to october, and wonder if this month will take another loved one of mine. i will begin to despise this month, even though the colors are spectacular this year. it seems every october is spent either mourning, or enjoying the colors of fall.

the real work may begin this week. the nurses and other staff are coming to start coming by. we will see how this goes. the LCSW asked if we like music and is sending over the music therapist, i guess to sing, KUM BY YA, let's hope not.

Yes Hospice, table for 2 down front

until next time... peace and love, capt. out.

today is the day. i called in hospice today and we are having an intake interview tomorrow. today i am at my wits end. not a good day. my wife is falling all over the place still. this is even after more enulose into her today. hospice said it might take some time to get the OK from her doctor, but they got it today. since zoe is so bad off. and i have been dealing with this for far too long. like the jesus christ superstar song, "the end is almost here, little left to do, after all i have tried for 3 years, seems like 30"...well you know the rest of it, just be thankful that you did not hear it in my voice. lol..

well gtg..off to my dinner.. peace and love, capt. out...

my wife is about the same...she has her good days and bad days..today was a bad day..as she stumbled through store for tonight's dinner, when she will not even be a awake for it.. her ammonia levels are pretty high today.. saw some one else in the HIV community today and he is dealing w/skin cancer..like all these people that were saved with the HAART era..then they get hit with other even worse diseases than HIV. i am still doing well, still on the 1 week on/1 week off. like that and still 100% with the meds.. you need to be with this disease.. this person i saw at the clinic last week or so..she saw my labs and was like amazed to see under 50 viral load...she has went to get there, except for one time.. i tried to enlighten her with some blood work numbers and what they mean.. not a doc on TV, just play 1 in real life..

hello again. i am back after some time away from here...not much else new here... did get DSL line in the mean time. been doing a lot of surfin..down load LOTR trailer, in 2 minutes or less. ...real nice to get my time back..don't think i could use dial up again..

and IMPEACH BUSH for his lies to the american people.

she is sad now. reflecting on her life almost. i can see it in her. she is quiet at times during the day and i think she is reflecting. she mentioned also the other day that she was mad at herself for getting herself into a position to acquire these diseases. i try to tell her that regret is not a good emotion. but she listens so little. well gtg. till next time. go CARDS!!!!!!!!!!

the misses is still about the same. not much improvement. she is eating some more now. she is just starting to realize how sick she is. i think. with in the last 2 weeks, she has mentioned that she does not want to die yet. and i don't want her either to die. and today she mentioned about her liver being shot to hell...and what if anything she can do about it. i don't think she can do much. we see doc on the 10th and will know more then. she did get out today to give blood. i made her do that at least.

i am back. wanted to check in. i got my last blood work this week. it was given on sept. 8, 03. shows HIV undetectable and my HEPC is still the undetectable. yippeee. it has been 16 months since interferon for the HEPC and now on 3 months, closer to 4 months on the 1 week on/1 week off regiment for my HIV.

well that is about it for now. i am still waiting to get my last blood work. so i am hoping that the STI is still working. doc told me that she has another patient on this routine and he has been able to maintain it. so i am off tomorrow to get a copy. my wife got a summon to go to jury duty. i am going to get a doc note to get her out of it, i think. peace and love, capt.

misses is doing alright. she was having a some what off day today. she is not making much sense when she talks. i do not know what to do. she sees the doc again on the 10 of october. hoping she will see her sooner or so. she is almost different each day. not sure how she is going to wake up. what zoe do we have today. i pumped her full of the enoluse today and still she was just rambling when she spoke tonite. she is resting quietly now. she took her evening pills and was asleep by 930pm or so.

we actually got a call from her daughter last nite. it was good to hear from her. zoe said that she did not want to talk to her. i handed her the phone anyway. so they ended up talking for about 20 minutes or so. should i say candice listened and tried to make sense of her mother for about 20 minutes.

hello people. i am doing alright. today we had a 2 and half hour interview with the local paper here. it was quite interesting. we should be in the paper here on sunday of next week or so. soon. about AIDS and relationships and how to have them. 21 lessons from our life. lol. not really.

well enough about that. my wife is sleeping as she has been doing as of late. she takes a nap in the afternoon and does not get out of bed until the next day. she tires easily. i am doing alright i guess. i should get my blood work back this week. still on the STI and doing well. enough. feels like my neuoropathy is coming back more so. as of late. my fingers get numb. not every day, but some days. more so than others. well not much else is going on. at least football season is in high gear and that helps my mental state of mind. and the lousville cardinals are doing quite well. thank god. peace and love. capt signing off.

well i am back to check in. and i wanted to say that prez. bush lied to us about IRAQ and i hope that the people of the united states will see that and not vote to reellect him. please. he is doing nothing on AIDS abroad or at home. he instead would rather kill innocence people in foreign lands. and say that this killing is for the terrorist that killed our people on 9/11. america needs to awake up and not vote for him. please. for his plegde for AIDS in the 3rd world. was even slimmed down from 3 billion a year, to 250 million a year. kinda makes you think that his heart is not really in this. and for the ryan white bill in the states, he has only flat funded that for next year. shit man wake up. AIDS is still a killer. please call your congressperson and tell them to increase the funds.

just me and the dog, cat and recently added beta fish to the family. no more animals. not that their bad or anything. only bright spot about the misses condition is that i can sit and watch 12 hours of college football and she does say anything to me. lol.. well gtg. my meatloaf is done. c-ya and peace and love, capt.

not much else going on. waiting for my meatloaf to be cooked. another meal alone at the table. think i should get used to that or something. or might get used to it. i think it would be better for me, at the dinner table, if she was not in the house. dinner time feels a little more lonesome when she is home and i am eating alone. i know ya can understand.

she is sleeping now. almost have to sedate her myself. she wants or did want to go out today. she was not in any condition to go out today. give her an "A" for effort. she is a strong fighter. and now she will need all of her strength. and some for me as well. lol.

well how is everyone tonite? we are doing well. at least i should say i am doing well. bad day for the misses. she fell about 3 times. her back is now scratched up from falling. we see doc next friday, she might not be able to wait. might be another run to the hospital this week. we are still w/no car. did rent one this weekend. just to get some fricken groceries.

hopefully we will get our new wheels tomorrow. who knows. probably, mechanic got it today and found that there was way too much shit wrong with it. that would be the kicker. well stay tuned. gtg. off to the spade tables. peace and love, capt.

other than that, life is shit. not really, this too shall pass. i know it deep down. if not in my soul.

we both see doc on the 12th of the month. i am still on the STI. and will be giving blood tomorrow if not on monday. you see the family is with out a car, as of late. and i refused to get on public bus with my piggly wiggly bags. so we have been shut ins. and the weather is just now getting to be that time of year, when it is a crime to be inside.

how to you bring up the point with your doctor about your spousing needing hospice. this next week ought to be fun. i am going to slowly approach the subject with my wife. she has fallen 3 times today alone. she does not fall every day, just every other day or so. not sure how often truly.

was at the fair this week, twice to entertain the misses. she likes the fleamarket crap. i just look at the other toothless, barefoot kentuckians and laugh. did get some free stickers from NASA. they had a booth there for the first time. i was thinkin, isn't that what state fairs are about. every body gets free stickers. also i think every state that has a state, it draws out the finest folks of the state. lol. notice how even New York, and California hates the small town, but if you went to their state fairs, you would see their own small towns. well i hope you get my point.

gtg. hope all is well for ya.

hello world. checking in for another day. we are doing alright. although the misses has been sleeping a lot lately. new drugs again. hopefully this too will pass. we are between automobiles, for the umpteenth time in our life. would give almost anything to have a reliable car. is that too much to ask for from this life. shit.

well almost football season, thank god.

wife is now asleep. she has been staying up for days on end it seems. they gave her some thing to ease her mind today. i am hoping it clears up her thoughts. she dwells on the past, badly. so you all out there in cyber space, remember, do not dwell on the past, especially if it hurts you. like the musical RENT, live with regret and you miss out. something like that.

well upgraded to XP with a new pc last month. i may have mentioned this already. i am diggin big time the online games. i am addicted to the spades game. just having some hard time getting intermediate players. should not be that hard. well gtg. p/l, capt out.

well i am back after some time away from here. my wife did get out of the hospital. we are not sure what is going with her now though. she is some times with us mentally and other days she is not. she has her moments. stay tuned. i am doing well. still on the interruption therapy for now. see doc on 12 of sept and will know more then. i am going to continue with the drug vacation for now. i am getting used to it.

and i am not an optimist. although slowly the word "hope" is coming more and more into my vocably. it is highly written about in the lord of the rings. maybe that is why i like them so much.


well i am done rambling for the nite. peace and love to all. capt.

but to see her respond like she has gives one hope. the day may come where she leaves the living. who knows. we are will meet that fate. i am reading a good book that my sister recommended. it is i "if i make it to five". about how adults can get inspiration from the kids of this world. it is written by a doc who deals with kids and their brain tumors. not much joy could be found in that line of work. but the book is just the opposite. i highly recommend. i do not have kids, but i am drawing it for inspiration for my dealings with my wife.


i am lucky enough to have a wife who loves me unconditionally. she thanked me tonite, like thank you for being there. it is nothing short of what she would be doing for me, if the roles were reversed. i hope to think that all spouses would do the same.

todays reflections

well about this time ealier yesterday i was thinking that my wife might never come home. well today it is a new story. our doc gave her something yesterday in the late a.m. and she was about normal last nite we i went into see her. yesterday afternoon i was lowering the a snakes belly. it was bad. the doc came in today and even she was blown away by her condition. rebound i should say. to experience the worse and expect, when just the opposite happens is overwhelming. as i left today she was up beat and pretty much able to hold a conversation. yesterday a.m. and friday nite was a disaster. the great doc gave her 1 drug and she was able to bounce back with that. we guess that it will now be part of her daily regiment. she is such a miracle. although myself i do not beleive in miracles or prayers. what will be will be....

more news from the front

well my wife has taken a turn for the worse, i feel. it as if she might have had a stroke this week, or something. i do not think it is due to her ammonia levels. today she was just rambling on about her life in new york, and not making any sense. i have the word i was thinking about for the people in the ER. they have the look of despair on their faces. we all do. i have been to the edge and looked over. and it is no fun.

more news at another time. p/l, capt.