hello world...i am having a rough day today. i want feel like falling to my knees and crying out loud. my heart feels like it is splintered into a million pieces. miss j is still working on herself and not on "Us". it is hard with out her. i feel that she is slipping away. i am trying to be positive. but it is hard. i repeat my mantra, that she loves me and will come back to me. but those are just words in my head. but also the words or thoughts in my head about her, are just that thoughts. we have not had much time to talk to each other. she is working on getting a different job and we spend little or no time together daily. she came by this morning and she was kinda cold. it makes me wonder. but i should keep these feelings in check until i get to talk to her. yesterday she told me that was comforted by the thought that i will keep waiting for her, and that i will keep the kids as well. then she did tell me that she loves me then also. 1 more conversation on the phone though. i miss her dearly and am struggling to get through this week. i am hoping to get into the YMCA today and hoping to get into the weight room. this might releive some of my tension. i am quite frustrated in life right now.

i was taking out to try on the sales pitch for the roofing company yesterday. it was nice and i am hoping to get more out in the field. the money would be nice. i think if i had some money, i would not feel so alone, or it would make it easier. i feel. i know i have a bad attitude, just hoping to get through this rough period. not sure about the future any where. i will just get up and go about my daily grind and hope miss j will come back to me, soon i hope. well keep me in your prayers. i will check back soon. peace and love, capt.

capt checking in...one more session on the couch.... i am doing alright. been a long weekend with miss j gone now. she moved into a shelter for women over the weekend. a clean environment. i am still at awe about the decision. and from talkin with her today, it sounds like she is going to be there for some time now. i am still confused about the situation. i am going to go on with life. on the outside. she drops in daily to walk or feed the kids. i have been otherwise alright. my family has been there for me. and they have been keeping me busy. going to try to stay busy for the next couple of weeks.

looking to get this month over with. have some friends from the north coming down next month. hoping to see them.

i am rebounding and now making my 5th "NEW" beginning in the last 8 months. 1-without zoe, 2-with miss j in ky. 3-me in florida w/out miss j. 4-me in FL. w/miss j. 5-me in FL. w/out miss j. stay tuned.

need to get some regularity in my life. hoping this year would be 1 of the best. still awaiting word about that. naw i should be alright now. i have a new outlook to live with now. going to make the most of it this time. my new subconscious book will be helping me out. i am repeating the phrase "she loves me and she will return to me." in my head. will be doing this throughout the months to come.

i am going to a AIDS dinner tomorrow nite. if they still have it and i can make it over there. it is in st. pete. almost like the buddy dinner up north.

well gtg. just a quick note to say hello. my heart is almost getting colder as time goes on. i am really hoping me and miss j can work things out. peace and love to all. capt.

another session on the couch. i am doing alright today. i have my moments. have not been sleeping well since i was released from the pysch ward on tuesday. miss j is still not sure if she is going to hang out with me any more or not. it seems my actions are what actually pushed her away. will i ever learn. we are still takin it day to day. i am at a loss for words. i know i will survive losing her, if she decides to go...but life would be so much happier with her in my life. she brightens up the room when she walks in. when i wake up all i can do is look at watch her sleep. i can actually spend hours on end watching her sleep. she is a work of art. i can only hope that she sticks by me during this time. wondering if the florida thing should be canceled...still not sure.


i did have some insight into my problems yesterday. i took care of zoe for so long that i am kind of person that needs to be wanted, or needed. and with miss j, she is so independent...real 21century woman...and i am just not used to having my partner like that. it is a new world all together.

finding bruises and cuts all over me from the incident. i fell like all over the house. exposed miss j to my blood, which really was not good.

well i do start counseling next week. will see how that goes. it is at the HIV clinic. not much else to report on. takin it day to day for now. love and peace to all. capt.

i know again that my actions were very harmful to miss j, and kids (grace and maxwell-dogs) due to the blood. it freaked the hell outta miss j, and she still is tramatized over it. i may have just pushed her out the door with this act. i will get over it 1 day. i am going to get counseling and try to join a gym. i am going to work on getting out of the house more and get back into the swing of life. it will not be hard, but i am here to stay now. thank you for listening. peace and love, capt.

well where to begin at...over the weekend i tried to commit
suicide. it was a not a nice scene. i swallowed a bottle of xanax and temezpam. miss j found me when she got off work. there was blood everywhere, due to me falling down. i have stiches in both eyebrows. i have been on 1 roller coaster it would seem down here. this is all too much for me to take at times. it was a call for help and i should have known better. i am ashamed and promise to never attempt this again. been feeling like i may be losing miss j, and that would be the worse. she has told me repeatly that she is not going anywhere. and i hope she does not. we have been through some rough times down here, but we have each other and i got my family down here. going to be spending more time with them over the next months or so. i am convince to make this work down here. i have given up my prescriptions to the 2 mentioned drugs. i have been on them for like 10 years. since i lost my brother to AIDS, 10/13/94. i now know it takes myself to be happy. and i am learning that slowly. i apologize to all that love me and know that i am in your prayers.

well another slow day at the office. today i feel like moving back north. i don't think this florida thang is working out. miss j did start a job this week. not sure if she really likes it or not. if she not happy i am not happy. and it has been like 2 months and it aint getting any easier...that is for sure. cost of living is frickin high down here. and the weather is not even summer time hot yet. sun shining all the time. i know now why it is called the sunshine state. drive every morning to work staring at the sun. i guess we need to stay until at least the end of july. got tickets to see dave mathews down here in july. so i won't miss that show. that was my only new year's resolution this year, was to see Dave. not sure what i had in mind when i said or made the decision to come down here, but it just does not feel right. just yet. maybe some day. i will check in next week. maybe i will be in a better mood then. peace and love to all.capt.

checkin again. i should really edit these before i post them. could not hardly understand my last post. well life goes on. not like i am writing for a pulitizer or anything. just to vent. my life down here is still day by day, shitty. not sure if miss j wants me in her life or not. been getting some vibes that i don't like. she started a new job yesterday. so she is gone now in the evening. leaves me alone in the evening. but it should be for the better, in the long run. i feel i would be lost with out her. as mentioned before. not sure where life is taking me now. my health feels like it is under stress, or over stressed. my neuropathy is really bad at nite. hard to keep my shoes on all day. my soles of my feet feel like they are in fire. i would hate to admit it that i can not really work. but that is not true. i can do some work and the price of living in florida is way higher than louisville. so i must continue to sweat it out. well going to go for now. peace and love to all.capt.

and there are moments and songs and other memories that come racing back to me to remind me of zoe. and i miss her at times. i am trying to go on with life. i am thinking that she sent miss j to me, because she knew how damn lonely i would be with out her. i miss going to the cemetary up north. no one to take the gang any flowers now. and i did not get to see her heastone. it should be installed soon, i am thinking. i just my life to be happy again. i am extremely happy with miss j. i just need to settle down and take it day by day. it has been rough. not the finest year in my life. and am still hoping to go too soon??? one would suspect. but i gave my life to zoe, is it not too much to ask that i be happy again? like what is happiness? who knows. we all have out barometer for that. and i am makeing some money. but i do not want to pursue money if i am never happy... still feel that this will work out 1 day.

went to the beach the other day, or before miss j came down here. i was of course, by myself on a crowded beach. but still all alone. loneliness is a killer. so i am once again trying to find my footing in this world. i am hoping to marry miss j. but we have only briefly discussed this. so stay tuned. i hope to be on here a little more. still no email at home yet. and the office PC's are only connected by 1 pc. so we share that 1.. . peace and love to all. and say a prayer for me. capt signing off for now.

so here i am again. sitting at work, with not much work to be done. we have moved the office of the business. i moved 1000 miles from home to help move a company. no fun. we are settling in though. i am kinda in good mood today. miss j and i are still together. she has a job interview down here. would be the 2nd one she has had. not with the same company though. she is kinda going stir crazy at home all the time. she needs to get out more, and this job would fit her real well. i am totally crazy about her. i have these anxiety attacks as of late. only happened when i moved down here and was with out her in my life. my heart would race and my stomach would get all upset. almost felt like puking. i still get them but not as frequently now. i would hate the fact of losing miss j in my life. i think i dwell on that too much. she has told me over and over again that she is with me and does not want to see anybody else. last nite we were talking and she mentioned why are we down here??? and i was kinda like....to survive. we needed to build a better life for ourselves. and the florida move should do just that. yesterday marked my 2 months down here. still not getting any easier though. some what. the best part of my day is going home to miss j. she is the hilite of my life. she came into my life at a very dark hour, and i feel truly that she was sent to me, or we bumped into each other at the rite time. and yes i miss zoe that is natural. as i am told.

today is kinda slow in the office. it is the most work i have done on derby eve, since forever. it is derby eve back home, as you all reading this probably already know. so i have been told i can leave the office around 3 or so. after we get supplies in. not much else going on down here. i am sick and tired of being sad though. this i do know. and i fuckin miserable down here. like i said, maybe i am looking to be happy too soon. just don't have the patience anymore. and i am hoping maybe 1 day it will get easier. who knows. well anyway. i am signing off for now. willl check back in next week. no internet access at home yet. so i am doing this all from the office. much peace and love, capt.

another session on the couch. that is what i should have called my blog. yesterday went to the permit office for work down here and did not have my paperwork in order. so i cried. i have been doing a lot of that lately. crying over the little of things. i am spent it feels like. all the manly men in the permit office and here i am, somewhat grown man, crying over my paper work. the guy helping me as been known to be an asshole but he saw my eyes welling up and i think he back down from being an asshole. i went back today to clear it up and had another hour session with him. a lot of details to get the permits out so that we can install the roofs down here. and i do not know the process just yet. it was not a good day. only thing that saved me was being able to go home to miss j's arms. and she is not doing the best. or well. she is fighting with her own loneliness down here. since she has no one except me and my family. and she does not know my family as well, just yet. but they all love her, and i know it is only a matter of time. maybe i am looking to be happy too soon after losing my wife. not sure.

so i am working like 40 hours a week and have not had a job since may of 1998. almost 6 years of doing nothing, but taken care of my deceased wife. will ever learn to live again????? does not help that i am listening to sheryl crow, who kinda sings the blues on this CD. and i have the blues badly today. anyway. well not much else to report on. i see the doc again down here next week and will get my blood results back also. maybe i need a vacation already. lol. it has only been 6 weeks down here at work, and i was hoping that it would get easier as time went on, and maybe it will. just not today. well enough of feeling sorry for myself. i will sign off for now. peace and love, capt.

watched the 6th sense movie this week and of course reminded me of zoe, and how i miss her. and it was on my brother bday. so that did not help either. i feel like i have had so many loses in my life, and i fuckin tired of it. or maybe i am just plain tired. who knows. and me and miss j are still engaged, but we have not set a date and she has not even bought it up. so i have this small notion in my head, or should i say fear, that she does not really want to marry me. and with this fuckin disease, i feel like i would not get anybody else. i know that is not true, or at least tell myself that. but it is a deep seated feeling in my head. i know others with HIV get dates and meet others that are not infected. but not me. i am shy kinda guy and am not that aggressive when it comes to asking women out. so i feel if i lose miss j, i am destine to have a life of loneliness. my uncle who died in may of 2001 was like a hermit. he had no or little social life. he lived in chicago and then came home to louisville his last 4 years of his life. well i feel like i would be destined to live like that. but these are not constant thoughts in my head. just today. and maybe it is because it is derby week. and that does not help with the home sickness. who knows any more. not me.

back again. not doing too well today. not sure how many people may be reading this or so. and i have not been on here for awhile. feeling some what homesick or just plain lonely today. i am at work. no internet at home yet. i got to work early today. and me and miss j are doing alright. just not settled in down here yet. i hate the fact that i came down here to chase money. i hate the fact that this world revolves so much around money. i know it is only my attitude, or perception. but i was tired of living on disability so i thought i would come down here and work for my sis and get a real life. but it just aint happening yet. yes i do have some cabbage in the bank, but life is more than just a damn paycheck. or at least it should be. i still do not know what i want to be when i grow up. lol. maybe it will get easier down here, so day.

so i wanted to get on here today at work, of course and let others know. who ever may be reading this or so. if anybody still does up north. the last day or so, i have had zoe on my mind a lot. and do not want to rush things. so i think it would be wise to get married next february. we would know each other more by then. i miss zoe and know i will always have my memories with her. miss j knows about her and i can openly talk about her with miss j. so stay tuned. the family down here is quite excited as well as they should be. and i am as well. my heart still pounds very hard when she walks into the room. and feel that this is the best for both of us. it was a spur of the moment proposal. i like to do things that way. carpe diem. my moto. well gtg. love and peace to all. i would like to hope that everyone can find their soul mate in this life. it is too short to be lonely. c ya. capt.

well i am back. after 1 week in hell last week. me and my lady are settling down real nice. we have a lot of work to do on the cottage house we are renting. i am doing better some what emotionally. i am very very happy to have miss j down here with me. and now for the big news, i proposed to her yesterday. and she said yes. yippee. we are going to set the date maybe for next year on valentine day. thought that would be a nice day to get hitched again. i had told some people that i would never do that again, but at that point i did not know i would meet some one as beautiful and lovely, and vibrant and outgoing and just a real joy to be around as miss j. so you should never say never. i am very much in love with her, and i feel she is very much in love with me. we have worked out most of our problems that we both had up north. and are doing very well.

it was just a long trip. i am now back at work, and we are settling in. she is lonely down here, and i really did not think about that. she hopes to be working in a month or so. we (or I) told her she should take some time off down here and some rest. well gtg. all is well now i got my little lady here. peace and love, capt.

back on here after a disastrous trip up north to bring down my love of my life. i got my girl here with me now. we went through hell to get here, and is still rough. we have a small place in FL and we need to pare down our stuff so we can move about in the house. we went through rain and nearly wreck the truck to get down here. i pulled off and almost jackknife the truck that was pulling the car dolley. i do not recommend doing this any time in your life. at least not from KY to FL. it was raining pretty much the whole way. and then the car had to be taken off due to me, and then the dolly was not secured and then all hell broke out. lucky us. we survived and i hope to we can make it through anything now.

well anyway, another day down here. and i am ok, so far. not doing too much at night. not really looking for anybody. i am in love with miss j, and want her to move down here. i think it has something to do with my HIV. it makes life a little complicated, as you can image. well gtg. back to work. struggle through another weekend down here, peace and love, capt.

1 more week down in florida. not sure if i am going to make it or not. today is not too bad. although i am worried about my lady love up north now. not sure what is going up there any more. i have an appointment with a realtor tomorrow. still looks like i am going forward with the house at least. kinda scary for me. still not sure what i want. except for miss j to come down and join me ASAP. i am still lonely as hell at night. and then some during the day. try to fill my day up with work. and that is not too bad. we are building our customer database. a lot of data entry now. check out our website at www.yourbestroof.com. then you can see what kinda of roofing company i am working with. no black tar, in this state. it would be way to hot for that.

all i know is that i walked out on the lady i love, and came down here for some reason or another. i am hoping we stay together and work this out. she is the best woman i have been with in a long time. if ever. i now know why she is pissed off at me. she sounds good today on the phone and says she will come down here again. i am hoping she does. all i know is that my life sux with out her here and in my life. with her having a plane ticket at least i know she is coming down soon. gives me something to live for. well gtg for now. she did meet the family and is still willing to come back down. lol.. peace and love to all. capt.

capt. log, life sux. i am trying to get by with out my lady love. she went back to louisyville yesterday and i am of course miserable. i almost lost it last nite. what was i thinking about when i said i would move down here???? well things are some what better today. got another plane ticket for miss j. she will be back on the 10th of april. and we are going to continue this until we get a house. i did get approval for loan this week. now just finding 1 with all the parameters for FHA loan. well who knows.

ok, so here i am again. wanted to report my blood work details. my viral load was at 66ml. at this was given at the end of my "on" week. actually it was given on the very next day. so my virus is rebounding within 12 hours of being off drugs. but it is responding still to the meds. my viral load in december was 256. and that was at the end of my "off" week. so the good doc told me to give at the end of my "on" week. since i was given for my lipid panel i had to give while i was fasting. so i forgot about that had had to wait 1 day to give. so that is why it was done on wednesday. and my tcells are the highest they have ever been at 681. with all this turmoil in my life, i thought for sure that my blood work would be whack out. but it wasn't. 1 less thing to worry about.

my love of my life is coming down to tomorrow. yippee. to save me from my loneliness. yippee. miss j should be arriving on a plane tomorrow afternoon. thank god. until she is here, i will not believe.

work is going alright. i am still new to it, so it is alright. as you can image. you know the feeling of the new job and all. well until next time. my mood is some what better, since i know my love is coming tomorrow. so i have something to live for. lol. peace and love, capt.

i have to have faith that it will all work out in the end. but if am not happy, it seems to be my call then, right? who is to say where i should go from here. ?? and what i need to do. ? i think i jump ship to early in louisville. and nothing will ever feel right again.? that would suck really...well stay tuned. i am outta here now. p/l capt.

still have not seen my last blood work. not sure i want to. it might be bad, which i feel it will be. then that will be something else to worry about. people move out of state and out of town every day in this world. i am just not sure why i can not accept it and go on with life. i am fricking extremely lonely down here. and yes i got family all around me. but i am used to dealing with out them. so i am not sure what the hell i am going to do. well that is enough belly aching for now. peace and love to all and keep me in your prayers. capt.

well i am back to report in. and life is shitty right now. i am down in florida and trying to go on with my life. i am with out miss j. which does not help. i am lonely as shit and just working. i have no social life at this point. and i know it has only been 1 week, but i miss my life in louisville. already. i am going to try to stick this out for a month, if i do not commit suicide in the interim. lol. zoe's bday is tomorrow and not sure how i will feel then. but if today is any measure, i am going to be crying all damn day.

will end for now. not much else going on. waiting for blood results that i gave last week. might have to get those faxed to me. p/l. capt.

hoping the CARDS will come through for me while i am away. that way i am sure to miss the hoopla. not much else is going on. me and the new woman have kinda split up. wuz hoping to take her with me. but we have a lifestyle difference. so it is best that we split now...we rushed into things anyway. and i still do not know what i want from life. maybe a MLS in florida. tampa has a good school for that. i have heard through the grapevine.

will still be wearing RED, of course

the last monday of the last week of being alive...no i meant in lousyville. lol. went to the twig and leaf today for breakfast. 1 last time. will be leaving town this wednesday. with all the best of luck i can muster. have not been over to cavehill yet. car is getting some last minute repairs from my all time cheap ass mechanic. will miss him for sure. saw my hair cutter last week, and it was hard to say bye to her. she has been cutting my hair for like 20 years or so. her husband and i were in middle school together. time for some new memories now. this town is just not the same with my wife gone. doing everything by myself and all. and this house reeks of her. so it is best that i leave all together now.

i have lost about 7 pounds in the choas of this year. but i hope to be settled some where within the next month. and i hope to check back in a little more than as well. if i can get used to my sis slow ass dial up service. hope to install wireless in home there, and then get DSL or something....look out shelly, here comes the capt.... love you all. me. p/l capt.

f....insecure...neurotic...emotional.... FINE. today is thursday and i have given myself to get the truck next wednesday and start the process. been boxing up left and right and up and down, and have been over the goodwill enough times that i know them by first name now. every thing must go. and no mother i am not throwing out any pictures. but i have seen enough of my wife that it has been the hardest. i think. i see her almost every where i turn in the house.... so i saw the good dr. H this week and gave blood yesterday. we will see how those results come out.

well i am back.. for now... it is about time to move to FL and i have my head up my ass. people move every frickin day in this world, and well i feel lost. and i know it will get better down south. something has to get better. too many memories in this town. i the last man standing, like the omega man... if ya remember that movie from 71 or so. other than that i am fine.

back from DC. and it was a good trip. miss j join me there for a good time. i saw the leg. aide on tuesday, all by myself. hope our visits to their offices will help in some small way. it was cool. had my best suit on and went into the capital offices lookin important. although only got about 5 minutes of her time. she looked bored. oohwell. then went into baltimore for a day. and went to the mall area and went to national gallery twice. took the audio tour the 2nd time. it was nice. well now i am back and we are lookin at movin. or at least the landlord would like me gone by the 3rd or so.. he claims he has people interested in the place. so that ought to be fun.

well not much else to report on. peace and love, capt.

well guess who...i am back after a long wild trip with miss j. she still with me so...far. i am off to washington, DC tomorrow. do some marching on capital hill for the aids drug assistant programs in the united states. our congress and the president are providing funds for our folks to go play solidiers and policepeople all over the globe, while our own citizens are dieing from AIDS due to the fact that they are being put on to waiting list for assistants from the states. and the new drugs are costing more and more so the states are running out of money... not a pretty picture.


we all for life...jury is still out on that. not sure if i am staying local, or just going local. lol...wanted to check in real quick and say hello. hello. peace and love capt. will jot down a note or 2 when i return. c ya.

i am a live...just too busy with my new woman to get on here much. we are off to Washington DC this month to talk about the AIDS drug assistant plans that are not being funded real well. we are off to capital hill on the 23 thru 25th of feb. all is well with me and miss j. we are doing great and will be soon moving in together. will try to write more later, or soon. peace and love. capt

no idea what is going on....stay tuned.. peace and love, capt.

love life is going alright, i think and hope. i am head over heels for miss j. hope we can work things out. i feel as if i am damged goods, with this HIV stuff. no fun. and my poz life, or single life may have just begun. who knows. altho i may not be single for too long.

well i do see doc tomorrow. hope to get some more good news there. hope my blood work is back. some of it should be. will check in tomorrow or over the weekend about that.

work w/moby the other day. we shot the new basketball dorm at uofl. so i wuz of course in hog heaven. saw most of the team. i wuz like hey ellis how is your leg?? hi otis, and shook his hand. and helped garcia with the door 1 time. all but asked for a autograph. lol. i told moby that i kept my foam finger at home, lol. did not think it would be appropriate to hassle them inside their home. since the dorm is just that. well checking out for now. peace and love, capt.

well hello world today. i am doing alrite i guess. not sure just yet. not sure about what to do with life, today. look at moving out at the end of this month. who knows. not sure today at all about life. had some decisions dropped in my lap over the last couple of days, and just not sure what to do. rite now. anyway. maybe tomorrow will be a better day. how long have i been using that line. lol. im thinkin of having a moving sale. will make that as a small goal or so. shoot for the 24th of this month. and of course with the weather, it would have to be in doors. is there a life book that i missed over the years? i dont think so. we all have to do what we can to get by. life sux, then ya die. no good.

i am having a lovely evening w/miss j. capt signing off.

good morning. short note to say hello today. i am off to work with the moby today. so you can tell by the time. not much else happening. did sleep well last nite. think it wuz from the nite before. will be draggin later. we are off to shoot the new dorm on campus for the bball players. hope to run into some of them. would be real cool. should i take a autograph item. lol. maybe. hope to see miss j today. did not see her last nite. she wuz recouping also. called miss R last nite. and may go see a movie with her soon. if not this weekend. see the LOTR movie. i have only seen it once. so i am over due to see it again. well gtg. checkin in to say hello and that i made it through another nite. the bed is aweful lonely. not sure about moving or what i am going to yet. need to make an appointment house of ruth asswipes. they fired 1 of the workers, mine over the holidays, due to the fact that the new director did not like her going out and doing HIV prevention. now how F@@@@@@ up that???? they are an ASO and they do not want to bring in more money for prevention. that is f@@@@@ up. again. well enough venting. peace and love. capt.

but i am managing. doing the AA thing, 1 day at a time. lol. don't do Bill W. just familiar with the cult. lol. well going to check out...makin some dinner, for me. and me alone. again. love and peace to all. capt signing off.

on other news, went to my hospice greiving class last nite. was of course, the youngest 1 there. a lot of older people, but my heart goes out to them. some of them were like in relationships for 50 years or more. i wuz like, well i only 12 years invested. but still well all had that in common. we had lost our spouse. it is a 6 week course. so i will you all posted on the developments....1 lady had only been married for 7 years, but she mentioned that it took her 40 years to find her husband. he was a marathon person and everthing. he was going to run a mini in town the very next day, when he dropped dead. out of the blue. my loss in a little different...only that i had time to mourn. ...but still it is a loss. and we all lost our partner. even though i knew she wuz going to die, it still is a different ballgame when they are actually gone. you can image all you want in your mind, but until it happens, it is not the same.

hello world. i am doing alrite today. almost 2 well. not sure. well where to begin. miss j came over last nite and stayed until 7am. need i say more. lol. yes. capt is back. lol. well not sure how this will go. my new online name is captlatex420@yahoo.com. lol. i will also be wrappin my willy. anyway. it was nice to know that some one like me can still do this with a negative person. i had heard all the ins and outs about dating in the positive age. so i can only guess, i will add my own portion to the myths abot poz/neggies dating. stay tuned.

well my heart is alive again. miss J called me tonite. thank you for hangin in there with me. capt signing off.

ok, so life will go on with out some one in your life. it just does not feel good to me. at least not yet. lately, i have been told by 2 other persons that it will take 1 year to feel normal again. it is going to be 1 fuckin hard year. that is all i have to say. see doc this week, gave blood last week, so i should know about those numbers this week. see if i did any more damage to my liver over the holidays. then my bday is the 14th. so send those checks now. lol. well until next time. and i am off of here now. gtg some dinner in me. love you all out there in cyberspace. capt.

hopin miss J. will call me back some time tonite. well and then the real world starts tomorrow. i am not looking forward to it. not sure why. but i might look for a job this week, if the photo studio does not open up or he gets some jobs so that he can hire me. go to www.moberlyphotography.com and hire him. you will not be disappointed. also go to jpl.nasa.gov. to see images of MARS. it is alive again. all those little kids that will shape their life around this day. when they saw mars come alive with pictures. some of them will know right away that they want to get into astronomy. and the world will be a better place. well enough of my boring life for today. peace and love, capt signing off.

Mars is alive...yeah. on a day when Mars, 100 million miles from earth comes alive, my heart feels dead. again i missing out on love. something like that or so. was elated when i awoke this morning. not really elated. but glad in my heart. but tonite comes and once again i am alone. sux. well life will go on. i am glad the rover landed on mars. not my life, or my rover, but if gives everyone some interest in space. and i love space. and boy do i have a lot of it in my life. empty space that is. this too shall pass.

life is good again. just got back from dinner w/miss J. what a lovely woman she is. also thinks i am nice to look at as well. gotta like that. did not have to wait and ask for a kiss. she kissed me. im in love. there is life after miss Z. stay tuned. blew me away 2nite. damn good nite. well enough from me 4 tonite. capt signing off. peace and love.

back to check in again. miss B. told me tonite that she does not want a future with me. i guess because my lack of financial background or my disease, or something. may be i am too nice to her. who fucken knows at this point. i am deflated. but again will pick myself off of the floor and carry on. until next time. do have dinner date with miss J. tonite. maybe she can see past my poorness. florida is looking more and more like a place to get the fuck away. well peace and love to all. capt.

gave blood yesterday and will have results posted here next friday, week from this friday see ya then. capt.

well happy new year to all who may read today's installment. going to be short. wanted to check in and let you all know i made it through the holidays. tonite being the biggest, to me. not much for the commercialization xmas has become. should be about love, love, love. maybe i am asking too much. hope mikey can get some love, love, love soon. lol. well capt signing off. p/l

well and then i think i will just stay home this new year eve. wuz hoping to be with miss B. but have not clarified that or not. i got a bottle of jaigermiester.. it is chillin in the freeze as i type. so it will be ripe in 3 days. lol. well capt checkin out for the nite. the house is lonely as shit. so is my life. it sucks. i hope this too shall pass. who knows. fuck it all. peace and love, capt.

had friends over 2 nite. was nice to be social again. went to a party last nite.. wuz the only straight male there. so that was a thriller. got some free drinks and free shrimp and left. lol. it is the holidays now...

today not much happened. bengals lost...lost thier chance for post season as well. oohwell.. life is still kinda lonely. i need a new book to read. codependent no more. might work for me. will order it on the library web site. still not sure about south. still not sure about life. still have not seen miss B. since i have been back. been about 2 days now. and did not see her much before i left. who knows about that.

what else did i think of...oh and how women in this world only like you if you have money. i think this society pushes that. and it sucks. for sure. i am really pissed at the world rite now. and just sick of life rite now. hope this too shall pass. will check back maybe when i am in a better mood. capt signing off. peace and love.

so i thought about life here and life there. and it would be lonely down there. and i would have to work my dick off...but the money would be good. but i hate to sell out for that. but it looks better than being poor and maybe ladies like miss B would be more attractive to me. i am a person with no money and a disease. not a very good prospect for a life partner. so screw this city and im outta here. probably.

just got back from trip down south to see fam. in tampa. where to begin at. well first starters i think i will probably be moving down there. it turns out that the little lady i was pursuing here in town, found out how poor i really am...and she does not want anything to do with me. i feel. she did not return calls on christmas...not that that matters...lol. still wont take my calls. well may be better off any way. did nothing but think on the road trip. had not much else to do. not much conversation with 1 person. just traveling with my CD's and we made the trip in about 13 hours. with a lay over in georgia somewhere. paid for a 8 hour nap. hit the road this a.m. at 4. so i was home early in the day.

life sucks and it's aftermath does too.

well today i am in florida, alone. yes family is here. but i still feel alone. still think they would like to have me down full time. just don't feel right. and coming down here drove down alone. and was really alone at the hotel room. well another reason i am down. is this special girl in town would prefer to remain goodfriends instead of getting more serious. she is going through a divorce and maybe we could be more after her divorce, but i don't feel that she likes me that way. i am care deeply for her and could give her love like she never has before. but i am a poor person and do not think any women would like to date or even see some one that is poor like me. i am crazy for her and know i could give her love like she never had before. she has 1 husband that beat her. that is just as bad a child abuse in my eyes. no man should ever hit a woman. period. well tonite i am feeling more and more alone in this world. i will have to trudge on. peace and love, capt signing off.

capt here checking in. i am feelin the zoester today. she will be missed many days. i don't think i was on here much the week she died. she went peacefully in her sleep. and then the day after her service there was an aurora seen in the skies this far south. in ky. there was even a picture of it from florida. it was on the astronomy website today. it was submitted from FL. kinda cool. so i wanted to make sure i had this in my log. i know the whole USA or more saw the aurora, but it was like Zoe telling me she would be ok and that i will be ok. you see from my blog address, i am a big space fan. space cadet. so the aurora being seen that close to her death. i can only see it as a sign from her. well that was it for now. peace and love to all. capt.

not much else is happening here. i am slowly going through my house and clearing it up. what a hassle. still not sure about the future. i am almost back to going to florida now. last week it was to stay home in louisville and go on. may be get my MLS but today and some more this week, i am like f@@@@@ this place. i am outta here. and go work and be a laborer for awhile. i do not have much to offer the opposite sex...as any way of income... so i am not sure what i need to do, or what i will even do. well journey on. capt signing off.

pick myself off of the floor and go on.

at the moment i am ok. just ok. i am eating and having dinner at the table. that was 1 of the hardest things to do. you see my wife came back from so much before. she truly over came a lot in life to get this far. it is just the fact that she did not make it this time...hard to deal with. some of the people that i called that day were shocked...that it actually happened this time. and she will not be coming home from the hospital any more. and i will not get any more midnight runs for chinese. no midnight ice runs...no midnight white castle runs...what will i do.???

going down next week for some fun in the sun. hope to god it is warmer this time. last month, it was a bit chilly some. too much so. my fam in florida likes the cold for the holidays. screw that. i did not go down there to have it snow on me. i will have to pack a jacket at least this time. going to be house sitting for 1 sis and visiting with the other. i guess it will be nice to get away for the christmas holiday. i feel some what like i am running away from something here. i need to deal with that. and it will hit me next month at home.

i have my moments. my bro in law lost his mother today. so it kinda opens my wound a little bit more. i will survive. all i know is that i miss my wife. as you can image. the house is still so quiet. will take some time to get used to it.

each day gets easier and at the same time it gets harder.

well enough rambling for 1 day. peace and love to all. capt.

this is a major step in my life and i would not to rush into things. or anythings for that matter. that is about the only thing i am sure of...weather sucks here. that is for sure. east seattle. we never see the sun in the winter time. it bites. i am off to dinner with my old boss. get me out of the house... at least. went by the cemetary and saw the gang last week. was not too bad. as bad as i thought. you know it is true nothing is ever as bad as it seems. at least not for me. i am big worrier. big time. big time. runs in the fam. genes i thinik.

well i am back. for a little bit today. i am kinda at a lost...as you can image. i am not sure what to do with my life now. i will def keep you posted. i am missing my wife now. it was kind a sad day. not much to do...phone rings way too infrequent... way too frequent. i would not be missed here, i feel. and not missed down south yet, becuase they always miss me. would be nice to be around my nieces and nephew in florida...but there is so much here for me. i think i should do what i can on my own. never used to doing the "group" think way. i hate to be told what to do...unless i am working of course.

well enough from here for now. if i get depressed, and i am sure i will when this chick tells me she can not get involved with me due to me going to florida. well there will be others...i hope. thinking of changin my email name to CAPTBIOHAZ, or CAPTLATEX.... see ya, p/l miquel.

so family wants me down there right away. then this hot ass chick wants me up here...what to do...what to do... i will keep you all posted...if anybody is reading this.

well then my bro in law offers me this sweet ass position with his company down in florida. would be tough work, but would be just the ticket i need to get my ass back in the swing of things. and into work as well. i am leaning towards taking it. but then this girl from my past, did not date her. but she calls me 1 day before the funeral. and i was like DAMN. and we had dinner last nite together. i am on top of the world right now. will it hit me 1 day...who knows. i am right now, this instant so happy, that i am not sure how to cope with it. have not been this happy in years, and years.

zoe now has been gone about 3 weeks, and i have not had time to mourn her yet. that is why i think it will hit me sooner, or later. the holidays coming up will be no fun. i am at a loss for words. the paper here wrote up a little tribute yesterday for her. since i was doing an WORLD AIDS day speech, they mentioned that, and then about her passing. they are nice folks. i wonder if the locals are tired of hearing about me. naw.

well i am back. from where i do not know. yes i do, i wuz in florida with family for turkey day. first time in like 20 years or so, that my sisters and i were together. it was a nice day all around. all nieces and nephew and the rest of the family.

well i am doing alright so far. waiting for it to hit me, still.

well still my life will not be the same. it won't be for some time now. i hope to feel better, and maybe even have a girlfriend 1 day. who knows. i am sure there are some out there that would not mind going out with someone with HIV, but i am special. i don't think there are even that many men who would treat their women so fine. i am sure. well i am lonely now. and there is no turning back now. i do hope i feel better soon. but it will not be soon enough. capt signing off...peace and love.

well it has been over 1 week now that i lost miss zoe. i am missing her now. i am now off and spending some time with the family in florida. i am doing alright, i guess. just not used to having this much time for myself. it was a nice funeral. she would have been proud, i hope. play REM you are the everything, and third eye blind, how's it going to be. and then 3 other songs. it was nice. i truly believe that her kidneys failed that day. so she is no longer suffering. she would be in pain, i know that.

so now there are 3 bodies, actually 4 over at cave hill. you see we have had her dads' ashes with us for the last 7 years. and his ashes will be placed into her urn...this was one of her last wishes...i am hoping she does not haunt me. lol. she was a remarkable woman and she touched many lives while she was with us. they don't make too many of her. she is my new angel up above. hope she will help me in my life. until next time. capt signing off. p/l

well where to begin at. my wife died yesterday. have not been in the mood to come back here for awhile. i feel like i have talked with the whole city about her and what happened. she passed away in her sleep and went peacefully as we all would like to do so...she will be sorely missed. nov 13, 2003 another anniversary to remember. no fun...been quiet around the house as you might image...fisrt month will be the hardest, i think. as for my health, well i am alright physically at least. my tcells are at the highest point ever while i have been infected. and my hiv viral load, i hope is still undetectable. i should get those results next week. have not been in a rush to get those back...

not sure what else to share with you all tonite...just soon to be me...i am sure i will be back...until then...capt signing off.

if so then, that is that...she has fought the good fight...then there were 3. 3 of what you say...3 of them at the mighty big cavehill in the sky...you see myself and zoe and my brother and uncle jerry are all buried or have plots at the best damn cememtary in the nation, if not the world....called cavehill in lousyvill, ky. so if my wife is going soon, there will be 3 buddies to visit when you go for a stroll through the woods on the grounds...

she has not given any blood as of late...for any results to get back for her...i am not sure if she is aware of her surroundings....but then over the weekend...she wanted to phone a lot of friends to say goodbye or so...she did talked to her daughter for about an hour. which was good. i was wondering all the time if this is the last phone call that candice will get from her mother...made ya stop and think...thought the same thing when she came home this past weekend in ambulance. might this be the last time she comes home...

how is the world today??? who knows.. it has been awhile since i checked in.. thought i would jot down some thoughts. the misses came home last week from the hospice center. came home on wednesday with the intentions of dying at home. she has stopped all meds, except the ones to keep her comfortable. she sleeps even more so now..weeks, if days.. but who knows.. she has rebounded before...we can only hope from this point on.... just what the lord of the rings is about...never lose hope...

having a bad moment at this time. zoe might be coming home. which would be great, don't get me wrong. i am quite releive that she is doing so well. kinda shocked as well. but i will take the good with the bad. not much else is going on. i did my talk today. talked to group of about 30 persons about safe sex and hiv. then i was approached about speaking on Dec. 1, 03, for world AIDS day. get to tell my story again for that day. i don't know, i am just burnt out or something. i will check in when i am in a better. peace and love, and journey on. capt.

mentally and physically exhausted, the capt...

what will i do with out her...well who knows.. i would like to start on my masters...need to take GRE and try for MLS...it will be a strange new world..zoe and i have been together for over 10 years now... or close to it...my bro was going to and did invite her on our trip to DC in 1992... to see the quilt...i get that heavy heart feeling just talking about it...i hope to sleep tonite...well kevin did want us to get together at 1 point in life...then he went off and died...now she is close to joining him...in the big cavehill in the sky...there will be memories galore in this city after she leaves us...i might just have to leave town...for sure...for awhile anyway...not sure about my meds when and if i go. the system drags you into it..and sucks on you until you are dry... so it will be hard...but no one ever said life was a carnival right...until next time...capt signing off.. c ya.

tonite she is resting and has been since 7pm... maybe get hospice in tomorrow...thinkin about putting her in a hospice center for 5 days or so...give me some time away.. is that selfish??? who knows... i know i need some time away from this maddness.. tha is my life...stay tuned.. i am sure i am going to be lost for some time with out her...and it is looking more and more like that...got that news today...doc thinks we will see nothing but steady decline from here on out...well you guys out there...get busy living...that is for sure...i need a day at the beach...with some heinken...my sis always keeps me in stock with those...get some ready...

well where to begin at.. for 1 hospice did not come over today, like they said, frick..i blame myself for letting it get this far along.. kinda was hoping to get some help today..well it figures, you hear nothin but good things about hospice, until you need them.. they did have the wheelchair delivered..she did not use it today..and she is getting more and more nonresponsive..my heart is heavy with the thought of losing her..she has battled back from so much...ya just kinda get used to it..this time looks different...going to be hard the first month..first year...like the movie shawshank redemption.."get busy diing..get busy living..." luv that movie...it is thought like that that help me along with this journey..

she is resting now. seems like she has been taking some naps as of late. i am doing alright i guess. hangin in there as good as it can get with calling in hospice for your spouse. we are supposed to be in the local paper here, and it might end up being her OBIT. we will have to see. she is a strong woman and will continue to amaze people. she has been down before. and yes one of those times was with me, again in october. lost my bro to october, and wonder if this month will take another loved one of mine. i will begin to despise this month, even though the colors are spectacular this year. it seems every october is spent either mourning, or enjoying the colors of fall.

the real work may begin this week. the nurses and other staff are coming to start coming by. we will see how this goes. the LCSW asked if we like music and is sending over the music therapist, i guess to sing, KUM BY YA, let's hope not.

Yes Hospice, table for 2 down front

until next time... peace and love, capt. out.

today is the day. i called in hospice today and we are having an intake interview tomorrow. today i am at my wits end. not a good day. my wife is falling all over the place still. this is even after more enulose into her today. hospice said it might take some time to get the OK from her doctor, but they got it today. since zoe is so bad off. and i have been dealing with this for far too long. like the jesus christ superstar song, "the end is almost here, little left to do, after all i have tried for 3 years, seems like 30"...well you know the rest of it, just be thankful that you did not hear it in my voice. lol..

well gtg..off to my dinner.. peace and love, capt. out...

my wife is about the same...she has her good days and bad days..today was a bad day..as she stumbled through store for tonight's dinner, when she will not even be a awake for it.. her ammonia levels are pretty high today.. saw some one else in the HIV community today and he is dealing w/skin cancer..like all these people that were saved with the HAART era..then they get hit with other even worse diseases than HIV. i am still doing well, still on the 1 week on/1 week off. like that and still 100% with the meds.. you need to be with this disease.. this person i saw at the clinic last week or so..she saw my labs and was like amazed to see under 50 viral load...she has went to get there, except for one time.. i tried to enlighten her with some blood work numbers and what they mean.. not a doc on TV, just play 1 in real life..

hello again. i am back after some time away from here...not much else new here... did get DSL line in the mean time. been doing a lot of surfin..down load LOTR trailer, in 2 minutes or less. ...real nice to get my time back..don't think i could use dial up again..

and IMPEACH BUSH for his lies to the american people.

she is sad now. reflecting on her life almost. i can see it in her. she is quiet at times during the day and i think she is reflecting. she mentioned also the other day that she was mad at herself for getting herself into a position to acquire these diseases. i try to tell her that regret is not a good emotion. but she listens so little. well gtg. till next time. go CARDS!!!!!!!!!!

the misses is still about the same. not much improvement. she is eating some more now. she is just starting to realize how sick she is. i think. with in the last 2 weeks, she has mentioned that she does not want to die yet. and i don't want her either to die. and today she mentioned about her liver being shot to hell...and what if anything she can do about it. i don't think she can do much. we see doc on the 10th and will know more then. she did get out today to give blood. i made her do that at least.

i am back. wanted to check in. i got my last blood work this week. it was given on sept. 8, 03. shows HIV undetectable and my HEPC is still the undetectable. yippeee. it has been 16 months since interferon for the HEPC and now on 3 months, closer to 4 months on the 1 week on/1 week off regiment for my HIV.