well i made it through another hurricane. here i am down here for 6 months and i have already weathered 2 hurricanes. today or this weekend's edition of storms of summer of 2004 was one big ass storm. they evacuated the whole east coast of florida. it was billed as the biggest evac in florida history. glad i was here to see that. i would have hated to be in that traffic for sure.

well as for me, well i am getting through another day. the cards at least won today. big time. like 35 to zip. take that wildcats. lol. and i had a pot of chili and a tail gate party of 1. lol. big time crowd. was a long line for the bathroom at half time. lol. still yelled at the tv. of course. i had to do that. would not have been the same with out that. and of course i am a little hoarse from that. i had lost my voice, as usual last weekend when big sis was here. i think i lost it then due to all the talking i did. i did not get drunk and i don't think i have a cold. so it must have been all the talking i did.

did talk to O.H. tonite. she is having a rough time. i wish i could reach through the phone and give her a big ol hug. she needs one. some of her friends have abandon her. well it seems like they have. so i will call her daily and try to cheer her up. one needs to keep a positive attitude in this life. i should know by now. i have read like 3 books over the summer about grief and the person's attitude. the average person has like 50,000 thoughts in a day. so you need to keep those thoughts positive. or it will drag you down. for sure. and on that topic i saw miss j this weekend. she came by to give me her key. then i called her after she left. i wrote her a poem and she told me that it was foolish of me to think that we would ever get back together. and stinger to my heart. but she has been gone now for like 3 months and i need to go on. that is for sure, as well. it is hard some times, but again i think i am getting stronger each day. and i hope to be going to louisville this month. to see zoe's headstone. i mentioned this to miss j and she said, "who headstone"? duh. mark her down as an experience that it was.

well enough about her. maybe this will be the last mention of her on this blog. she does not deserve any more thoughts from me, or any more typed words on this blog. so slap me if i mention her again. lol. if you can.

i have been writing another poem. this one is for kevin. my brother. i am trying to write a little more now since i have some time on my hands. he has been gone now for 10 years. does not seem like that long. but i miss him at times. next poem will be for the zoester. these are not going to be short poems, i am finding. i write some then leave them and come back to them. (one more mentioned of miss j. she told me that i should write more, she liked the poem i wrote her.) and my counselor mentioned to me, or asked me if i was poet. i was like no. it was when i said that the loneliness of my house hangs from the wall. and it does, but the hanging is getting shorter with each day. i am going to make it. and i am going to make it down here. i am determined to.

well enough for tonite, i think. peace and love to all. vernon

another weekend another hurricane. i am now riding out another hurricane down here in florida. i did not think i would see 1 hurricane my first summer down here, much less 2. and now there is even another one out in the atlantic. i am going to be alright in the house, just hope that i do not lose power.

besides the weather i am cooking some chili since it is the start of the football season for the cardinals. i am looking forward to the game. i ordered cable and got it installed yesterday just in time for the game today. now i pray that i do not lose power. not much else going on. i did see miss j on friday. she came by to give me my key to the house back. she might be moving back north in november. who knows. she told me not to expect to see her any more. life does go on.

i am doing alright. a little bored in the house all weekend. but i do have some cable to watch. and i have the storm coverage on and off. nothing is open down here at all. kinda like a ghost town. i think i will go out later and do some looting. lol. not really. i will check in with you all later. love and peace to all. vernon.

another weekend and another hurricane. this state has not been hit by 2 hurricanes for decades. that is until i got down here. lol. i am doing better today. getting ready to weather out the weekend. planning on doing some cooking this weekend. going to make a pot of chili for the uofl game on sunday. then i might make a cake and then a hasbrown caserole. keep me busy hopefully. had lunch today at hooters, and as usual tried to pick up my waitress. lol. stay tuned. told her she should evacuate to my house for the hurricane. lol.

other than that, i am trying to be in a better mood. i am a great guy and great catch for the next woman in my life. there is nothing wrong with me. i cook, i clean, sometimes, and i treat women like they are gold. so some day my princess will arrive. i will keep you all posted. but before that happens, i am going to enjoy living with myself and do what i want to do, and then make myself happy. i will check in over the weekend. probably during the storm, again.

peace and love to all. vernon

here i sit with out my shit. lol. i am slowly turning into a poet. i am quite lonely tonite. some times it is a crushing hurt deep inside. i know that it will get easier one day. just seems like it is forever to get to that point. i feel that i will be okay one day and my life could be worse. but i am just living in this present moment. i almost feel as if i have lost all my dreams of yesterday. my counselor asked me about 2 weeks ago where do i see myself in 5 years. i could not picture it. it took me some time to come up with anything to say. it is now sept 1 and i am glad august is over. the summer is about over to. that is for folks up north. i am now living in the land where summer is always in season. i will see what the winter will bring.

i am waiting to see that game this weekend. and i am glad it is on espn. i went on the uofl site today or yesterday and almost cried. i do not think that if i was back up north things would be any easier. i must continue to plod on.

well enough of this sadness for tonight. peace and love to all. vernon.

well it does not seem like it has been a week since i have been on here, but it looks like it has.

well the week was busy one. i ran a lot of permits for the hurricane area down south. put like 150 miles on car, each day. but had a good paycheck. biggest one in my working career, but now it is gone with the bills.

feeling very emotional tonite. i sent a poem to miss j. but still feel like she will not be back to me. ever. feeling lost tonite. and i dont know why. my sis wuz down for last nite and we cried a lot together. she is having rough time with her divorce. so we are both going through life changes at the same time.

i get stronger each day, then i take 2 steps back, it feels at time.

i did sell a roof last week. can actually say i am a salesman now.

have not to the gym lately either. maybe i am needing that. besides some company. or a woman. lol.

well not in the mood to share much tonite. i will keep this short. i am still here and kicking. been playing a little more on microsoft zone game site. makes me feel like i have some one to talk to.

much love and peace to all. vernon.

something else to share with whoever is reading this. this is a poem that I wrote my last semester in class. it was a history of New York city and the beatnik generation. how could you not take this class. well we had to write a poem for our last assignment and this is the one that i wrote. not the best poetry, but i have begun to write a little more. actually i have one going for miss j. maybe one day i will share that one. but for now, here is the original one from vernon.


I aint no poet


I stand before you today with a poem to read.

Big deal you reply, we have been listening to poetry all this

Semester.

What will one more poem mean.

Well in this case it means a lot to me.

You see I aint no poet, but yet still I claim to have one for you

today.

This poem is my little window into my soul

I consider poetry a window into the writers soul and very much admire

Anybody that can write poetry so I shall attempt to open my window to

You today

In this class we have listen to jazz, heard the blues, and examine the

Past through some of this century’s greatest writers,

And it was here in this class that I heard kerouac claim to be a great

Poet one must first know misery

Well this poem is about my personal misery and how I should be regarded

As one of the greatest poets around,

Or at least for myself my misery is mine and not yours.

This brings up the question of whose scales do we use to measure this m

Misery?

Yes I know misery but I aint no poet

Who is to say that one’s pain is deeper or bigger than anothers?

Who would want that job?

Some of my misery is imbedded in the loss of my dad when I was 17 my

Dad died from an instant heart attack afters years of alcohol abuse

Then in 1994 I lost my brother to AIDS. He was not onjly my brother

But also my best friend. So I know misery, sometimes as a close friend

But I aint no poet

My brother introduced me to my wife, who happens to be dying of AIDS as

Well

We have had a good life together and continue to live for each day

Together

She was recently put into a nursing home, so now I go home alone

Yes I know misery, but I aint no poet

So here I stand before you today with my poem of misery only to tell

The class that I too am HIV positive, and now it seems that misery

Knocks at my door too often

Yes I know misery but I aint no poet

Like the beatniks looking for immortality, I too search for immortality

Only my immortality would be in the form of a cure and I don’t see that

Happening too soon

So I take ginsburg words to heart as I have heard before that you

Decide that if you die with AIDS or live with AIDS, and I chose to live

With AIDS

My motto now days being carpe diem and fuck the rest of the world

And now that my window is open will you open yours?

and as usual peace and love to all. the reverend vernon.

saw charley's destruction today. it was horrible. it made me feel that i am fortunate and that i do not live in that area. it was just terrible. i have seen tornado damage up north, but nothing like this. all the store fronts were damaged. no store was without. like going down dixie hiway and the store with signs in front all that was left was the frame of them. i mean all of the signs were not there. at the mcdonalds all you could see was the outline of the big M and nothing else. it was sad. it looked like down town bagdad, but you knew that mother nature did this. again it was quite a site. going back down there tomorrow. because it is good for business. they alway say that natural disaster are good for the economy, but bad for the people who live through it.

well enough from here tonite. peace and love to all. vernon

i was wondering if you all had the chance to view zoe's website lately. nothing new, but i will add the link here if you have not seen it, or would like to view it again. you can also email me at the bottom of the page, that email still works. or i am still checking it. her site address is www.angelfire.com/ky/zoezone. she was so proud of it. she did it all by herself, with a little help from yours truly, but she would not admit it. she sat in front of the pc for like 3 days and put it together. it was also mentioned one time in POZ for the cyber site of the month.

well i am off to plod through life so more. peace and love, vernon.

well what be happening. not much here. another monday here in florida. still running down into the hurricane area to get more permits. hurricanes are good for the roofing business. as you can image. not much else to report. i am still kinda lonely. getting some what used to being alone. the summer is coming to an end with labor day almost here. and i started the summer alone, and it looks like i will finish the summer alone. i went and saw the sunset last nite. and once again i was thinking of zoe and saw another rainbow. this one was most unique and that it went from 1 cloud to another cloud. never really came down to the earth, but was in the clouds. i have not seen one of those before. one more sign from the zoester letting me know that she is alright and that i will be alright, 1 day. i am working on my place and getting more and more what i want to decorate it like. again a new adventure, that i get to decorate how i want to. not like my girlfriend or wife would like it. i was alone a lot in my 20's but this time it is some what different. not sure why. maybe because i am an old fart with HIV. but who knows. i will continue with life down here. and i am hoping to get to lousyville next month for the AIDS walk. i am planning on coming up there, or would like to. i need to see zoe's headstone and feel that it will be a help to me with my grief issues.

i am also missing miss j as well. she came by over the weekend just to drop off some pictures she had got in her stuff by accident. she is doing alright. it was good to see her, brief as it was.

well enough from me tonite. i will check in later in the week. peace and love to all. vernon.

well got the zoester on my mind tonite for some reason or another. it has been not even a year yet, but it will be soon enough. still trying to get adjusted to life with out her. i will journey on. was going to share with the world about her last nite with me. it was about 6pm and she wanted to go up stairs and go to bed. first she had to potty, so i told her that she could in her bag (not sure how to spell, clostumy). but she said she needed to sit down. so i sat her down in the bathroom outside our bed room. she got up and the bowl was full of blood. was not sure what to make of that. so she went to bed. she asked for some help to sleep. and i kinda knew what that was. this is 1 of things that has been haunting me this past 10 months or so. i gave her some to sleep. it was a eye drop of something. not sure i remember the name of it. so then i proceeded to give her morphine. i gave her like 3 eye droppers of it. and her breathing was labored. i stay awake until like 4am listening to her breath, trying. it was a long nite. so in the a.m. i got up about 8am and checked her. she was still breathing but more labored or so. i did not think about it at the time. like what the fuck are you doing??? well i was in a coma, mentally. and i gave her 1 more eye dropper of morphine. i feel like i killed her? who was i to take zoe life? but we talked about it before, i guess, i knew the end was close. so i went back to sleep next to her, until about 10am. when i got up she was gone. so that is my tale. my counselor told me that doctors have beening doing this for years. it has been weigh heavily on my mind over the last 10 months. also our doc up north, our HIV doc, who knows up quite well. she told me that the blood in the toilet was probably her kidneys shutting down. so, zoe was not long for this mortal world. it turns out that the day she died is also a anniversary of a close friend of ours in louisville. i was not there, mentally. i try to recall that day, and it is a blur. anyway. i wanted to get this off my chest again. i have told close friends about it, but don't think i have put it here, on the blog.

anyway. enough for now. peace and love to all. vernon.

well almost at the end of another week. it has been up and down. it seems that i need to keep my mind busy with something or another and the time goes by quickly. this week has been hectic at work to say the least. i have been on the road getting permits down south with the hurricane and all. i have been down there every day since tuesday getting permits and even seeing some sales appointment. i am not sure, but i think i might have sold my first roof today. this old man, of course and his wife liked our product and called me later today and said he was interested in buying our roof. of course, i priced it way too low. i was not aware of the fact that smaller jobs cost more to do. live and learn. then he called this other roofer who gave him a quote this month, like 2 weeks ago. he tried to cancel that job, he asked for an estimate only and the other roofer had him sign it, like he was buying it. and the old man was caught in between us and the other roofer. of course the other guy had him sign the estimate and in small print was the statement that he gave him his roof to do. so the old man was frantic when he called me. the other roofer said it was a legally binding contract. and i think the other roofer pulled 1 over on this man. so we are going to look at it tomorrow and see if he can still get out of that 1, and buy ours. it would be way cool if he is able to do that. so we will see if i actually made a sale today or not. stay tuned.

other than that, i am missing my lady, my wife and anybody. had my friend in town from miami last nite. we had some fun. she had a couple of guys with her and we went out to dinner and then me and 1 of them watched the olympics. big nite in bradenton. lol.

and so tonite i am all alone. and i am up and down in mood, that is. i have spent a lot of time with myself as of late. as you can image. i spent the whole summer with myself. and i like that. NOT. i am getting along with myself that is. i am still working out at the Y. and it shows. or some people say it does. since i live with my body i can not really tell so much. but last nite miss T said i look bigger than when she saw me last month.

well gtg. for now. peace and luv 2 all. vernon.

well here i am again. watching the hurricane coverage on the news to let me know that life could be worse. i am sorry for all those people that lost their homes. we at the roofing business did not lose 1 roof due to the winds. due to our design. then there is the story of the rival roof company that had on order something like 80,000 windows for this 1 mobile home park. well the park itself is now gone. so the other company has to eat those windows. too bad, soo sad. but we do not want to chase misery. or the insurance dollar.

as for me, well i have been in the best mood to get on here. so i thought i would spare everyone the sorrow of my life. like i said, i am watching the hurricane coverage to remind me that life could be worse. nothing really happening down here. i am going into the hurricane zone tomorrow to get some permits for the company. should be interesting to say the least. i have never seen destruction from a hurricane. stay tuned. it is probably much like a war zone or so. but aint never seen 1 of those either, thank god and greyhound.

and tomorrow my friend from miami is coming into town with 2 gay men. ought to be interesting. staying at the capt's B&B in bradenton. lol. no love fest, just another visitor. she is also like my sister. i have a lot of sisters in this world. you know what i mean O.H.!! lol.

well nothing else real earth shattering to report, so i will sign off for now. keep those cards and letters coming. lol. peace and love to all. vernon.

well i made it thru my first hurricane. without a scratch. was not as bad as they expected and it did not do what the forecaster thought it would do. it was projected to hit my county but it turn east before it got to us. we had sustain winds of up to about 80 mph when it came by us. i was at my sister house out east. i was going to ride it out at home but decided against it when the people on tv were telling us that we should evacuate. so i did at the last moment. there was even some gas station that ran out of gas and ice. then the 7/11 by my house was even boarded up. you know it is serious when the 7/11 is closed. lol. well just wanted to report in and let you all know i made. peace and love to all. vernon.

new report!!! charley is now a category 2 storm. winds up to 110 MPH. maybe up to Category 3 storms when it hits. think i will get my kite out, lol. c ya.

could be my last transmission. got a hurricane coming rite at us. they are predicting land fall rite here, where i am. not sure if i am going to evacuate or not. i am now in the area that is supposed to be leaving my house. the last time this area took a direct hit was in 1961. lucky me. lol. ought to be kinda wild here in the next 24 hours. we are not opening for business tomorrow. and now clearwater county has mandatory evacuation. and this has never been done. kinda big storm. well i need to get my beer and bucker down at the house. hoping that my car is well. stay tuned. auntie em, auntie em. !!! toto toto. dorothy, dorothy.???!!! we aint in kansas anymore!!! peace and love to all. vernon.

hello o.h. much love. xxx. vernon

well hello world. wanted to let you all know we are under staewide state of emergency. due to the 2 hurricanes out in the gulf. yippeee. tampa bay has not had a direct hit from a storm for about 20 years. ya get mikey down here and you are asking for a direct hit. lol. so this weekend should be quite fun. lol. going to get my canned goods and water and make sure i got my gin and tonic, lol. and ride out the storm. stay tuned. hopefully i will be back on here, soon. i will check in before the storm hits. the news channels down here are buzzing with advice on what to do, when to do it, etc, etc. so i get to ride out my first hurricane. stay tuned. not much else happening. peace and love, vernon.

well made it through another weekend. now monday nite. thank god football starts tonite. at least i will have something to watch.. what else is up??? not much, missing the zoester tonite. i just have her on mind. and last week i was kicked out of the gay group. not sure i mentioned this on here or not. i got an email from the facilitator last week. there were some uncomfortable with me being there. oohwell. first time in my life i have not been accepted by a gay men. frickin faggots. lol. not really. i apologize in advance if i offend anybody on this site. either by name or what. i have to get this off my chest, so i sit here and talk with my PC. lol. i write out my thoughts. if you give your thoughts "life" by vocalising them. then you can really see if you thought was rite or not. someone told me this philosophy over the summer. so i use my blog as a sounding board or so. and maybe it will help some one out there. well gtg. peace and love, vernon.

well it is thursday, must mean vernon went to see his counselor tonite. which i did. she actually told me that my mood has gotten better over the summer. since i had my suicide attempt i have been seeing her weekly. she is nice and has helped me. at least i have some one to talk to besides my family at work. not that they are bad. but it is nice to have some one other to talk to out of the office. i literally do not talk to anybody after i leave work. unless it is in the grocery store, or gas station, or some other service industry. unless i am on the phone. thank god, i have unlimited long distance on my land line. and i have been reaching out as of late. it helps too. i miss zoe and others friends of mine up north. but i am getting stronger with each day. that is my motto.

one more report from last weekend. me and o.h. went to see my sister. she has never met her. vice versa. so we had some drinks during the day. that was usual. o.h. was without kids, since 1954. lol. a very long time. so we enjoyed each others company. some how we started talking about tequila. and i knew that my sis had some left over from the derby party. o.h. said she used to like that. and i have always liked that. so i told o.h. that we would have to have a shot when we got there. i was throwing caution into the wind as well. so we had 1. and things were alright. then we left and had to get some dinner. but on the way we smoked a little. which apparently put o.h. over the edge. we were sitting there at dinner. a little bar/restaurant place where i knew we could get some nice and greasy food. well o.h. went white and had to go out to the car. lol. she was out of it. as for me, i am always out of it. lol. so she excused herself to the car. and as i watched her go to the car, i was worried, to say the least. but i was also worried that she not set off some one else's car alarm. i was not real sure she knew where we parked, or what kind of car we were in. lol. but she survived and woke rite up when we got home. not that she was sleeping. she was not. but miss j had come by during the day and saw o.h. there. i knew miss j was coming and did not tell her, due to the fact that i had nothing to hide. miss j did not think it was funny, or nice, or whatever. she kinda had a moment. miss j came in real quick got her copy of her resume and then told me that she would be over later when we had left to get the rest of her stuff. and so when we got home there was evidence that miss j was here and had gotten more of her stuff out of my place. i was kinda upset most of the day, due to making miss j uncomfortable. i felt bad, but told myself that she left me. so what am i supposed to do???? stay hidden under my covers and crying.??? i did that for the month of june and most of july. but o.h. helped me get out of bed, along with seeing dave matthews in concert. the incidence during the day with o.h. just gave us something else to laugh about. and we did. a bunch. i consider that i gain a new sister in louisville in o.h. she is great. and i am lucky to have her in my life. she is one of the most beautiful women i have had the chance to know over the years. me and o.h. went school together. and that was about 100 years ago. lol.

so i getting on with life, as miss j said. but i told her that nothing happened. and nothing did. i still feel drawn to miss j. but i am getting better, like i mentioned. both of them are both so pretty. to see them both, you would think that you are looking at a monet painting or so. so i am lucky that i have both of them in my life. and life. not to take anything away from zoe. she was also so pretty. and i am quite lucky to have had that love in my life. some one or so, maybe it was in a movie or so. but it mentioned that usually someone only gets 1 true love in your life. and i hope that that is not true. but that is something that i do not dwell on. so with that, i will run for now. peace and love to all. vernon.

well more news about this past weekend. i ate some wild ass stuff for o.h. she made me try some assparagus, mango, fish, salmon, twice, then broccoli and she gave me a new drink to drink when i get a wild hair. coconut flavored rum with orange juice. so it was quite a weekend. if you know anything about my taste buds. i am quite a picky eater. so again we had a great time this past weekend. then here i am on wednesday and i am left wondering when i might have a good time again. i also wonder if i will ever be loved again!!!????? i know i will. i need to keep the faith that i will. i am also debating with myself about going to church this weekend. now that would be world changing occurence.

and right now i am having another alfred hitchcock moment. i am at the office and have been here for about 3 months. well right now there is a large flock of black birds gathering at the construction site across the street. wondering if this mite be another sign. a sign of what, i have no idea. i have never seen this flock of birds before. nor have i seen such a large gathering of black birds. woooweeeooooo. hard to type that sound. lol.

well check back if i make it home today. lol. peace and love to all. vernon.

i need to add some things about last weekend that i over looked. me and miss b (from now on referred to as o.h.) well we had a great time last weekend. we went to the beach and watched the lightning storm out on in the gulf. she tried to take pictures of it, but we had no luck there. we had a great time and went out to eat on friday and then again on sunday. she helped me decorate my house. this was after i had told her that i had some fun, decorating my own house. a new concept for me. since i have not had the chance to do this as an adult. i was not an adult until my 30's. lol. well o.h. helped with that. she spent some cabbage on my house with candles and other items to give my house a femine look or feel to it. maybe this will help me catch a lady or 2 or 3 or 4 or 5, who knows.

o.h. wanted me to clarify these points of last weekend that i truly over looked. i was belly aching over losing and missing miss j. well i need to move on with that aspect of my life. def.

i am going to be strong for me and o.h. from now on. not sure what life may have for me. but again tonite i was debating on going back to louisville. which i do not need to do. rite now anyway. i have a chance to sell a roof tomorrow and i am going to do just that.

well peace and love to all. especially to o.h. xxx. rev. vernon.

well another day down at the office. not too bad today. at least so far. i did not get much sleep last nite. i am hoping to get more tonite. i mite go to my sis's house tonite. not sure i want to spend another nite at home. and then get this. the PWA meeting or support group i crashed on monday nite, well i get a note today that the gay men are uncomfortable with me there. so i am no longer welcomed there. fuck em. you would think that anybody going through this disease or battling this diseased would be welcomed at any meeting. small mindedness is what i see. i have been in this community or the AIDS community now for about 10 years and suddenly i am no longer welcomed. again, fuckem. i will find my support in other areas down here. where i am just not sure, but i will battle on.

not much else is going on. i am doing my best to get through another day here. i have a sale appointment tomorrow. yippee. i am going to make my first sale tomorrow for the roofing gig. i feel it in my bones. i am sure of this. stay tuned. i will report in tomorrow. peace and love to all. rev. vernon.

well it is 4am and i and i am wide awake tonite. i woke up at 130am with a dream about zoe. and i have not been able to get back to sleep. i am going somewhat crazy tonite. not sure what is going on. just missing my wife and companion in this mortal world. wonder if i should take more drugs or get more drugs from the doctor to help me sleep. just not sure about anything these days. i took some flowers to miss j today. and got no response from her. i need to leave her alone, but a big part of me would love to have her back in my life. i am trying to accept the fact that she will not be coming back. it is hard. i think this last year has been one of the most difficult times of my life. surely nothing else that i have to face in life could be any harder to deal with.

on other news about my doctor visit last week. not sure if i reported about that or not. my tcells took a dive. down about 140 points or so. from 486 to 315. but my viral load is still undecteable. the tcells dive is probably due to stress or that i just gave blood when i started my on medicine week. not sure. next time i give i will give when i am on a full week. i need to get out of this funk that is for sure.

not sure what the dream was about tonite, but i think also that kevin was in it too.. maybe they are both trying to tell me something. what that is i am not sure. not sure about anything these days.

my mind is racing and it has no end in sight. i must go on and get myself out of this gutter. it is hard to say the least. wiht miss j out of my life, i wonder if she came back, would she break my heart again in the future? i am going to have go on with out her. then i wonder if she came back would she leave me when i got sick? again i must go on with her. just like going on with out my wife. i miss zoe a lot these days. i need to go up north and see her plot. maybe that will help me close this dark chapter in my life. they say if you give love you get love back. if you give out peace and harmony you get peace and harmony. well what the fuck happened to me as of late then??????

well going to try to get back to sleep now. peace and love to all. vernon.

a sign that i am getting better. i am here at work watching paint dry and i am not crawling out of my skin. this time 2 months ago i would have been awashed in tears. here it is about 430pm and i have not cried today. god i miss my girl, miss j. but i know i must go on. peace and love to all. vernon.

another monday here at the office. took miss B to the airport today. nothing happened between us, which is good. she like a sister to me. we had a good time over the weekend and she dreaded going home. no offense to her kids, she just was not ready to give up the good times we had. we went to see dave together. if she did not come down, i would have ended up at dave by myself. no fun. i am tired of doing things on my own. miss j came by over the weekend as well. i think she was a little pissed at me for having company. like i am supposed to stop living until she comes back. i feel it that she will not be coming back any time. if ever. i am at work alone, of course. need to get back into the Y this week. i am hoping to go there today.

me and miss B had a real good time. dave was excellent. and his 2nd song was grey street. for zoe. i had that song played at her memorial service and so the concert was a fabulous after his 2nd song. i was very glad to hear that song in person. it was raining on us, but we were able to get a cheap poncho to keep the rain off of us. we had some real asswipes around us, thou. this 1 lady had the nerve to ask me if i could move over during the show. this was standing room only and it was in the lawn. i was like i don't think i am moving anywhere. lol. me and miss b still enjoyed ourselves. we laugh, we cried and laughed some more. it was real nice to have some company over the weekend. now i am back to reality. alone. but i am getting better with each day. i hope i am anyway. i pretty much knew that nothing would happen between me and miss b. i am still in love with miss j. but i am going to have to stop that some soon. and get on with life.

well that is about it from here.

i will be carrying on. my new name will be vernon. so this is vernon signing off. peace and love to all. reverend vernon.

well today is the day... i am off to see dave matthews band.  yipppeee.  i made it.  i am quite pysche about it.... then miss b gets in about noonish...should be a good weekend i am hoping.  something new for me to do before the summer is out.  since i started this summer about 2 months ago.  with the memorial day weekend.  that was the weekend miss j left me and it was not good. mentally at that time.  went to the beach during that weekend.  and of course everyone i saw had somebody with them.  families, boy/girlfriend groups.   it was hard, but i made it.  and now the summer is about over.  1 more month.  it will be nice to get it over with.  plus the heat.  but it does not really bother me.  when you are on the beach it seems there is a constant wind coming off the gulf.   it is nice.  as you can image...

things are looking up.  i can only go up. and i tell myself that i am stronger every day.   and i am still going to counseling.  so i am taking care of myself.  and still going to the gym.  yes....i notice the looks at the gym...mostly from the men wishing they had my arms.. lol.  not really but i like to think.  i am quite define as they would say.  whoever they are.   again i think that miss j did me a favor by leaving me.  yes i am still alone, but not so lonely.  if that makes sense. 

i have not gone to the support group for about 3 weeks now.  i will make a point to go this monday.  i promise. they always try to convert me there.  lol.  they expanded thier guidelines to include hetro men.  so that is kinda cool.  so i feel i have an obligation now to go.  i don't want them to think that is that with me.  and plus i hope they expanded thier guidelines, not just for me, but for future hetros men that may pass this way. 

well going to end here.  i made it to the big dave day.  thought about taking some zoe's ashes and releasing them if he plays "Grey Street".  one of the songs, that i played during her ceremony.  i am hoping i don't cry too much. 

well peace and love to all.  capt.

well it is another quiet sunday nite here.  i had some company over the weekend.  a friend from work.  it was nice to have some one else to talk to finally, but aint it weird by the time sunday came around i was ready for my own space again.  here i am whining about being alone then one gets company and then one wants to be alone.  what a mindfuck.  all again in this roller coaster of a mind.    what is a person to do?  then i am here alone sunday nite and i am hating it.  again.   who knows.  i am going to make it though.  i am toughter than this.  this too shall pass.  all of the clique.  i am a walking clique. 

well i do have dave to look forward to this week finally.  and miss b is flying in for that.  so i should have a good week and then on wednesday i have been invited a to meeting with the local hiv clinic about my volunteering.  i am hoping to get active locally.  also my doctor visit is this tuesday.  so this week will probably go by rather quickly.  

not much else to chat about.  will be signing off here.  peace and love to all. capt.

well this week again has been something to write home about.  i went to watch the sunset on wednesday night.  i put in Norah Jones in the headphones and walked the beach.  once again the sun actually sat behind some clouds..  boohoo.  but over all is nice.  i almost meditate there.  no one talks to ya because you do have the headphones on.  there was about 3 different productions going on.  on the beach that is.  one of these were some models in the surf.  thank you.   then on monday,  get this.  i had this snake crawl up my wheel well on the car.  it went into the back tire well.  it was raining and i thought well he wants to escape the rain.  so i went out there to grab it or look at it.  i only saw the tail and no head.  and even i know not to put your hand near a snake if you can not see the head of it.  so i went back into the shop and then thought, maybe if i start the car, the noise will scare him and he will slither away.  no such luck.  so about 40 minutes later, i went out thinking that maybe if i start it and move it, that will surely make him/her leave.  no such luck again.  but this time the car did not even start.  it did not even roll over.   the battery died in that short time.  or the snake took all of the juice from it.  not sure.  it was weird.  so i went and got another battery and all is well.  put it was weird that it started 1 time and not the other.  i would not have even seen the snake if it was not for some one in the shop at the time, and mentioned that i have something hanging off my car.  i was like no i do not.  and looked and it turned out to be the snake.  still not sure what happened to him/her.  i will be going down the road here shortly and then get bitten by snake.  i can see the headlines...Man bitten by snake in car...going down Hwy 64.  lol.  so now it is friday night and i actually had some guy come over from work and keep me company.  he actually grew up in zoe's neighborhood in the bronx.  no chit.  i was at work in march and was talking to him. i mentioned the bronx.  or i asked him where he was from.  i could tell he was from up north.  so he came by the house tonight.  my first actual visitor down here.  and then i also got my futon today, or a futon.  it is wood and the mattress is black.  in case things do not work out next week with miss B, she will have some place to sleep. 

but again i liked to think that i am getting stronger with each passing day.  with my sister gone this week, i am watching their house.  kinda.  so i have some storage items over there as well. a little bit here and there.  but i brought home a box with VCR tapes.  and 1 of them is zoe on the springer show.  i might watch it tonite or over the weekend.   i looked for it the other day.  but of course it was at shelly house. 

enough rambling for 1 sitting. 

well peace and love to all.  if i see that snake i will report.  capt. 

well here i am work.  thought i would share with everyone about zoe and when she went into the nursing home.   i have been through so much before and that i think that is helping me get through this rough period now.  it was in 1995 that zoe started losing her mind.  me and her doctor truly thought she was getting dementia.  but afterwards we felt that she just had a nervous breakdown.  it in the summer of 95 that she thought she was being followed and that some one was out to get her for the things she had done in her past.  it was in october of that year that me and her doctor decided that she needed 24 care.  and that the nursing home would be the best bet for her.  since i was working full time then.   so we called candice's father and he made it to town to pick up candice.  it was that week in october that i lost my wife to the nursing home and then had to lose my step daughter to her father.  they live out in seattle area.  so i do not see her often.   i look back on those days and it feels like a blur.   and i wonder how i got through that period.  it is still rough to think about those days.  i was on auto pilot and working full time.  that helped.  but it was a very dark time in my life.  kevin had just died 1 year before.  we lost about 3 other friends over the winter of 94-95 and i also seroconverted to being positive in sept of 94.  so it was these things that push zoe over the edge.  and then her psych doctor kept giving her trilafon and kept upping her dose of that shit.  she went into the home in october and then in january of 96 she started to get the side effect drug for trilafon.  the nurses in the home noticed that she was displaying effects from the trilafon.  so she got cogentin then.  and within 2 weeks or so, i was able to bring her home on the weekends.  you could really see a change in her, once she got the cogentin.   i remember taking her to the world AIDS day ceremony on Dec 1, 95 in a wheel chair.  some people from the community would come up to say hello to her, and they all had tears in their eyes.  zoe did not understand why.  and she did not know much of anything then.  it was tough to say the least.  i still have little memories of these days. i think i blocked them out of my mind.   so as the story goes she got the cogentin and slowly came back to life.  it was in may of 96 that she came home for good and was able to resume an active life.  she even got a job as a waitress later that year.  it was also then that she came to realize how much she missed candice.  and i think she never quite got over that loss.  candice stayed out in the seattle area with her father.  we saw candice maybe 3 times since '95.  zoe could not accept the fact that she was not well and that candice would not be coming back to live with us, ever.  well those days were dark, to say the least.  but i survived them and i will survive these days that i am going through now.  i am a strong individual and can only hope that these current dark days will also pass.   well that is the short end of the story.  i had these thoughts come to me last night and thought since i started this blog in 2003 that i would fill in some of the blanks about me and zoe to all.   that is just 1 of many times we had that were dark.  i know when zoe got out of the home she would go back to volunteer there.  the old ladies there would always tell her how good she look.  and i think she went there when she needed to be lifted up, emotionally.  i could not go back into that place with out tears.  i dreaded that place.  to go home alone, and not have zoe there or candice there.  it was bad.  but again i survived.  it is with those memories that help me get through today's crisis.  and i will prevail. 

peace and love to all. capt.

well another week is almost over. i think i am getting stronger with each passing day.  at least i would like to think so.  i can live alone and i am loveable.   i know these to be true facts.  it is just some times in the house i can get into thinking about losing zoe and then miss j.  i miss human contact and conversation.  i will start to pick up the phone more often when this happens.  i can do this.  i am not going to abandon this place down here for louisville.  i am strong individual and i can make it.  i told miss j early on in our relationship that if i lost her, i would survive.  i said i buried my wife and i survived that, so i can pretty much take on anything.  one would think.  i have some company coming into town next week and that is good.  i will enjoy her company.  also 1 week until dave, so that is good also.  i will pick myself out of the gutter and go on.  not sure if i am going back to louisville next week, after dave.  i was going up there to get some things out of storage, but i might have to put that trip off due to funds.  stay tuned. 

talk with a good friend last nite for over an hour.  it was good to talk with billy.  i miss him and some others in the HIV community.  i am going to reach out more now that i can.  most of the people i know would kill to be alone or have some time to be alone in this world.   not sure what is wrong with me about that.  i am a people person.  but i can go and go on i will.  also my waitress friend down here emailed me yesterday.  so that is good news also.  she is busy with her mother visiting in town so she has not had time to see me or have dinner or anything.  but i will continue to hope that things will get better.  peace and love to all. capt signing off, need to get to work.  c ya.

date less in seattle, but i am not in seattle.  well this too shall pass.  i am getting on with life.  feel alright today.  beleive it or not.  i worked out at the Y this a.m. with all the other senior citizens. getting used to seeing blue hair that early in the morning.  not much else is going on.  sitting at work and keeping busy.  got some packets together for contractors today and yesterday.  will be sending out 45 packets to drum up some business for us.  hope that some come through.  would be nice to get a bonus or so for them. 

well julie is still not gone all the way.  she has about 3 items or so in the house. i have asked her if she would like me to help her out.  but she still says no.   she is stubborn.  i am holding out hope for her and me.  but the chance of her ocming back into my life are slim to nil...

life does go on.  i need to go on with something.   this blog helps clear my head.  i do have some one coming down from louisville next week.  not sure what she would like from me though.  she thinks i need to be alone more before starting something or so.  who knows.  i have been alone all this summer and not sure if time will heal this wound or not.  some say that you should remain alone for up to 2 years after losing a spouse.  boo hoo.  all grief is not the same.  it is like a finger print.  it is up to the individual and i think i am ready for some one, or something.   i am a nice guy and will find some one some day.  i am outgoing and fun to be around, or at least i used to be.  i will be again.  living in apartment that bums me out, don't get better when the lights go out.  that is a line from Eve6 song.  been loving that CD.  got another dave mathews CD last nite.  this one has a DVD in it.. and it has 2 other CDs that are live shows.  i am so looking forward to that show next week.  i am sure i will have zoe on my mind.  we both loved dave.  and i still do.  i sent dave a note asking if he would play grey street for me.  we will see.  then on the DVD it is the first song on it and dave dedicates it to a close friend.  hope he dedicates it to me.  lol.  that would be way cool.  we will see.

well enough rambling on for me today.  i will be on here again soon.  keep those prayers coming and keep your fingers crossed for me that some thing will come my way soon.  peace and love to all. capt.

 

monday afternoon at work.  it has been raining now for like 3 days here.  i am kinda bored and slowly going crazy.  this week michelle and ames are gone and i am more alone than ever.  i now know no body in this town.  i go home alone and i do not talk to anybody unless i call them.  i am hoping to go to the support group here tonite.  they hold it every monday although i have missed the last couple of weeks.  i will push myself to go.  damn it sucks down here.  i do not see it getting any better, but not sure if i would be happier anywhere.  i am stuck in a moment.  as usual. 
 
i did want to share a few stories about zoe that came to my mind as of late.  these should have been part of her eulogy.  but here they are.  there was this time in jan. 03 when we went to red lobster.  zoe loved her crab, and shrimp and lobster.  it would easily take her like 2 hours for these meals.  well in the time in jan 03 they were having their unlimited shrimp fest.  and the waitress kept asking zoe if she wanted more.  so zoe would always say yes.  i almost was going to ask the waitress to stop asking her.  anyway when she gaves us our bill she pointed out that she brought out 11 trays of shrimp.  with each tray holding 10 shrimp.  zoe could eat.  so zoe had consumed 110 shrimp in the that sitting.  that always brings a smile to me when i think of that time.  lol
 
 
 
so then there was this time when she went to get counting crows tickets for us.  she was in line and the teller told her that there were no more tickets.  zoe threw a fit. and pretended that she just got done driving in from shelbyville to louisville.  and she proceeded to throw a fit.  i was not with her at this time.   so she gets home and tells me this story and it turned out that the teller looked at sales and saw that there was at least 1 canceled credit card reciept.  where some one bought them over the phone but the card rejected it.  so zoe was able to get those seats.  so then the day of the show comes and we go, and as we are leaving we see a friend of mine from school.  we are shooting the breeze with him as we go to the car.  he then mentions how he got great seats and when he was down there getting seats, this lady went off.  and that lady needed her seats right then.  and he said it was quite dramatic.  well it turns out, zoe was that lady.  lol..  more funnies that will be included in her book 1 day. 
 
peace and love to all. capt. signing off.

well hello from florida.  was kinda bad today.  was overcast all day.  which has not happened in some time. i laid in bed all day.  on my pity pot.  going out tonite to shoot some pool.  get back into the bar scene or so.  i found this place last weekend.  or was told about it.  hoping i can get into some games down there.  and win them, of course.  my sis left for thier criuse today.  so this week i do not know any body down here in bradenton.  i am house sitting and i thought it would be nice to have some company.  who knows.  my neice might come down for a day or so.  i still have to run the office this week.  and then on thursday the boss man told me that he would prefer that some one else run his sale leads this week.  bummer.  i will hopefully get into the sale position when the season hits, in september or so.  that would be nice.  some real money to be made.  other than that, not sure.  i miss zoe again today.  i am going up north or need to before too long.  i feel the need to see her tombstone.  and now that it is there.  i would like to have some flowers delivered to her.   well i am hoping to have this guy tow my stuff down here this next month.  but it does not look good.  he got back in town this week and i have not heard from him.  i am having a friend fly into town for the DMB show.  dave mathews band for those not in the know.  i made this year the year i would see him.  actually made it my new year's resolution.  so this is a first time in a long time that my new year's resolution is going to be done. 
 
well gtg.  hope all is well out there.  peace and love to all. capt. 

ALL I WANT IS FOR MY FIRST SALE....!!!!!!!!!! UGH....!!!!!

ALL I WANT IS MY FIRST SALE....UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

today is today. right. i wish i could remember that. i am having some what of a bad day. kinda blueish. miss j is about done and out of the house. i think that takes away some of the hope i still had for that. i do and will miss her, deeply. she will be gone by this sunday, i think she told me. then with maxwell going to the neighbors, there will be no reason to see her. i will miss her. but i know life goes on. i am a great frickin guy and i will do better in the future.. if i could only beleive that most of the time. i would be ok. but just not today. well enuff said about today. i am going to get out of this gutter one day. do it like AA peeps do, 1 day at a time. Luv it. peace and love to all. capt.

well another week has begun. not too bad of a day today. i went out to big lots to get some things for the house. now that miss j is gone, she took most of the stuff, since it was most of her stuff anyway. so i got some flatware, a new coffee pot and other stuff that the house needed. i get to decorate all by myself. what a concept. i get to pick out items that i like and only me. kind of liberating in a way. so i am not doing too bad. i get my moments. i am still working on my grief work and have set up a time to grieve during the day. if you set out some time to grieve, it will help with the sudden attacks during the day. and this seems to be working so far.

buried some of zoe on sanibel this weekend. another goodbye ceremony. this time i had 2 friends that knew her, and i thought it would be good for them to say goodbye as well. they are at the service up north, but you never can get to say too many goodbyes. so zoe will always be on sanibel. then tonite i read her website. i have not done that is some time. here is her link in case you would like to pay her a visit.
www.angelfire.com/ky/zoezone.

her site took her like 3 full days in front of the PC. but she was so proud of it. i did not give her much input, only when she asked about how to do something, i would show her how and then she was off. the site was even mentioned one time in POZ magazine. like i said she was real proud of it.

well enough from me. now miss j is mostly gone from the house. i have been keeping busy and i am also keeping my chin up. peace and love to all. capt.

well i made it through another week. this weekend i am going to sanibel. was going to stay with friends, but no room at the inn. so i booked my own room. going to put some more of Zoe's ashes on the island. she loved shells and she loved sanibel. so my big sister had some of her ashes left from what she and her daughter did. so last night i asked her about them. and sure enough she had some left. so i will bury some with the shells down there. will be nice. some more grief work. closing type of ceremony.

as for other aspects of life. what can i say. miss j is actually moving her stuff out this weekend. i may not be here for that. she is having a friend of her's help her. so i do not have to move her stuff anymore. i still miss her, but i am dealing with life. it was too soon to get involved with anybody after zoe. some people mentioned this, but i was too stubborn to listen. i do and did feel that maybe zoe sent her to me to help me with my loneliness. it has been kinda heavy at the house. but i am strong person and i know that. i am also loveable and one of helluva guy. so miss j is missing out on that for her life. i do not expect to ever have her back. she told me today that we can not even be friends now. what a crock. well her loss.

i am going with life. almost to the point where i enjoy life again. there will be another size 2 woman for me, some where. but i need to be alone for a little bit. deal with my grief for zoe. i have now read 2 books about grief and they have been helpful. they offered little rituals that you can do to help to get the grief out of your system. if you do not deal with it, it can make you go crazy. which this i have witness in myself.

well peace and love to all. capt.

well it has been about a week since i was last on here. so i will update everyone about life down here. i went to miami last weekend. had a great time. actually met a little latino woman. that is all there is miami. lol. then we went to a drum circle. every full moon there is a drumming circle. almost like a pagan ritual. where about 8 guys play the bongos and all the other hippies just jump about. there was at least 200 people on the beach at midnight. something i may never experience again. then i strutted my stuff on south beach during the day on saturday. wore a tank top and blended in with the other beautiful people. lol. then me and tracie had dinner on southbeach that nite. it was a good trip all and all. i got home sunday to miss j telling me that she is looking for her own place. so things between us are definetly off. and they will probably never be there again. so i have made peace with that. not really but i am going on. she dropped by tonite to get some things, and she looked frickin hot as hell. as usual. i still miss her and would take her back in a heartbeat. but it aint happening, so i am going onward and upward. then this weekend i am off to sanibel island. another wonderful place down here. i have some friends visiting down here this week and they told me to come on down for nite or 2. i plan on getting wild. look out world.

then today i got me and my sis 2 tickets to see norah jones down here in november. so i guess i am staying down here until then. i will probably stay down here. not in the mood to go back up north. tried to get my license plate today, but i need to have the car over 6 months or else go through hell to get a bill of sales. and that is just a lot of hassle. so anyway. i will keep my money for tags for another month.

i am off. peace and love to all. capt.

well it has been about a week since i was last on here. so i will update everyone about life down here. i went to miami last weekend. had a great time. actually met a little latino woman. that is all there is miami. lol. then we went to a drum circle. every full moon there is a drumming circle. almost like a pagan ritual. where about 8 guys play the bongos and all the other hippies just jump about. there was at least 200 people on the beach at midnight. something i may never experience again. then i strutted my stuff on south beach during the day on saturday. wore a tank top and blended in with the other beautiful people. lol. then me and tracie had dinner on southbeach that nite. it was a good trip all and all. i got home sunday to miss j telling me that she is looking for her own place. so things between us are definetly off. and they will probably never be there again. so i have made peace with that. not really but i am going on. she dropped by tonite to get some things, and she looked frickin hot as hell. as usual. i still miss her and would take her back in a heartbeat. but it aint happening, so i am going onward and upward. then this weekend i am off to sanibel island. another wonderful place down here. i have some friends visiting down here this week and they told me to come on down for nite or 2. i plan on getting wild. look out world.

then today i got me and my sis 2 tickets to see norah jones down here in november. so i guess i am staying down here until then. i will probably stay down here. not in the mood to go back up north. tried to get my license plate today, but i need to have the car over 6 months or else go through hell to get a bill of sales. and that is just a lot of hassle. so anyway. i will keep my money for tags for another month.

i am off. peace and love to all. capt.

see if am making progress. well i see that i need to be alone for some time now. miss j did me a favor by leaving. she is working on herself and i need to work on myself. i have been with some one for the last 12 years and need to be on my own for some time now to make things right. i am so codependent. i see that now. it may not be easy, but i need to be by myself for a little while. we rush things, a tad bit. while i was with her, i did not completely grieve for zoe, and i need to do that. i need to finish that process and then go on with life. yes i did grieve her while we were together, since zoe has been dying for some now. but now that she is actually gone, i need to finish grieving her. then i can make some one else happy. and i will be a lot happier as well. this may not be easy, no one said it would be. but at least, for tonite, at least i can see that. i was wrong to get involved with miss j. as much as i hate to admit it, that i was wrong. but it is truly the right thing. i am a complete person with her or without her. i can make myself happy. and i need to do that for now. i hope this feeling does not leave me in the morning. i am hoping to hang onto this for some time now. so if it was meant to be with miss j and myself, it will happen. i don't need to rush things. i need to finish mourning for my wife. i have been with her for the last 12 years so this might take some time. with miss j in my life, i was postponing my grief. which no one likes to grieve for anybody. but i need to finish tha process before i can be with some one. keep your fingers crossed and say your prayers for me.

as for other news, well i am off to miami this weekend. i have a old friend down there that is moving back to louisville. so i need to see her before she leaves this state for good. i am hoping to enjoy myself down there. get back to having fun in life. i know zoe would want me to enjoy life again. so i am going to do that. looking forward to the road trip. go back through aligator alley. which i have not been down there since 1991 or so. well gtg for now. peace and love to all. capt.

well i have been told that this blog is too depressing. the blog police sent me a note. lol. not really but hey it is my life and my life has been depressing lately. but i am going to make this entry a little more exciting. yes miss j is gone. she told me last nite pretty much that she would not be coming back home, if ever. so it is her loss. she is a very nice girl, but i am a very nice guy. and i need to move on. as hard as this is to actually do. we will see. i miss her terribly, but i miss my wife terribly as well. and i can not make either one of them come back. so i need to pick myself up off the ground and move on. maybe it is better now than further down the road when i would have more time invested with miss j. at least now i can get out of this still. she is not right upstairs. she has more issues than me. if you can beleive that. i will be alright. women leave men all the time in this world. what is 1 more heart break? nothing. in 100 years no one will even know i was here. also watching the 20/20 show about marriages gone bad. and this lady was left at the alter. that could have been me. ugh. i am feeling some what better already. and i even have a lunch date tomorrow. with this lady who is positive along with Hep c. image that. i met her over dinner the nite before father's day. it was fate that brought us together. so my sister says. so keep your fingers crossed and say a little prayer for me. she is miss V. with a capital V. lol. going to go for now. going to try to get some rest tonite, if i can. love and peace to all. capt.

well it is finally over between me and miss j. there is no more hope left that she is coming back to me. she came by tonight to tell me she is moving in with her sponsor from the program and she is now staying with some guy and his dog. she claims that she would go backwards in her recovery if she came back to me. like she can see into the future. this is all bullshit. i should have known. well that is all i can say for tonite. my head is not right tonight as you can image. i am not that bad off, since she has been gone now for a month. it is still no good. i will pick up the pieces and go on. peace and love to all. capt.

here on saturday morning. and i am not doing too well today. waking up with heart pounding, fast. like it wants to jump out of my chest. i have been trying to meditate when this happens. it slows down some what. but not too much. miss j did not come back yesterday. not sure what she is up to these days. all i know is i miss her dearly. but life does go on. i am going to make it through another day. going to gym today and then to the beach. i am hoping 1 day life down here will get easier. not sure when though. the loneliness hangs in the air in the house with no one else here. it sux. feels like i have lost 2 loves of my life lately. with zoe and now miss j. i have faith that life with get better. but not soon enough. i have been renting some movies as of late. but they all seem to have some one in them that is named zoe. so i usually end up turning those off, or they turn out to be hidden love stories. those too are usually turned off. again, my heart starts pounding out of my chest. not much else to report on. peace and love, capt.

wuz reading the blog site yesterday about turning your blog into a book. that would be way cool. a nurse at the doctors this week told me i should write a book about dealing with a life threatening illness. i would like that. do the talk show circuit. lol.

missing zoe today as well. spoke with candice tonite. she sounds so grown up. she will be in the 10th grade this year. she has even taken the drivers ed class and passed it. she also told me that she is grounded for about a week. she was at some one's house for a sleep over and they snuck out. and she was caught. i thought that that sounded so much like her mother. but i did not say anything, except that she needs to keep her nose clean. i asked her about college and she told me that she wants to be marine biologist. i liked that. that was 1 of the first things i remember wanting to be when i was young, all those years ago.

i also spoke with zoe's bestfriend in lousyville tonite. she kinda confirm to me that what i did for zoe was the right thing. she spoke with zoe about dieing and how zoe and her did not like the idea of being left alive to suffer. zoe did not like to discuss death that much. she was in denial. as we all will be 1 day or so. patty told me that i did the right thing. and that her and zoe discussed it. and patty mentioned to me that she told zoe about her friend who lost her husband. and her friend said that when she goes outside, she looks up and smiles and knows her husband is up there looking down on her. this comforted zoe. so patty told me i need to do that for zoe. let zoe know that i am happy down here and that zoe is up there waiting for me. and she will be waiting for some time to come. i hope now. since my little incident in may. i am here for a reason now. i am calling may 22 my 2nd birthday.

well i am off to try to sleep. peace and love to all. capt.

hello again world. not much happening today, except for the biggest hilite of my year. miss j came back home or is coming back home, i think tomorrow. yippee. we are going to take it slowly, i think. i will keep everyone posted.

i went to sign up for the clinical trial today. it is for neuropathy. i may have mentioned this already. i see 1 more doctor tomorrow and then they will let me know if i qualify to get into the trial. i am hoping i can. i have not been in a clinical trial before. this would be 1 of the best things i could do for the AIDS world and the community as a whole. bigger than our little articles in louisville since if the medicine works then hundred, if not thousands could benefit from it. so i am hoping to get into it. it is an injectable thou. ouch. daily at that as well. but i will be alright.

still going to counselor down here. saw her tonite. then went into the Y to work out. i am plodding on with life. i should be better, or soon to be getting better since miss j will be around the house. i got my MSN game site working this week. so that does help out with the quietness around the house. the loniness hangs heavy in the air around the house at nite. i am not sleeping real well either. kinda dred sleep these days. been up last nite until 2am tossing and turning. played some cards until 2am. online of course.

well here i am again. this time i am at home and my pc seems to be doing better now. I think that i had a virus messing with my pc. so i ran a scan last nite and i am hoping that it fixed it. we will see. also i am in a pretty good mood, so i thought i would share this with everyone. don't know why i am in a good mood, but i will take it for a change. i am cleaning my house, to keep me busy. going to order some pizza tonite. no Wicks down here and i am craving it. i have never crave pizza in my life. so i thought i would go with a home town favorite. papa johns. i don't think that they need advertising from me. but thought i would mention this anyway. hope all is doing well. i will keep you all posted about me. i posted a picture also to my site. maybe i will change it often. who knows. jamming to my tunes and decided to be happy tonite. again not sure why. still lonely, but i am happy loner. love and peace to all. capt.

Me and my new tattoo LORD OF THE RINGS 

well here i am again. not much else happening. i am just getting by today. taking it day by day. or as the AA saying goes, 1 day at a time. i miss zoe and miss j. i hav faith that miss j will come back to me. i have to keep that faith. i am still not doing much else. i am working out and may even add my picture to this site. so stay tuned. i need some prayers to get me through this rough time. i do not think i was this depressed when i lost my brother. it is extremely hard these days. i have been reading a book about grief and it mentions that depression is the 4th stage of mourning. and there are 5 stages. so i am hoping that there may be some light at the end of the tunnel. not sure. i will keep you all posted.

as for other news. well i went to the clinicl trial folks yesterday. it is an injectable drug, daily for neuropathy. i am hoping to become a member in this study. i am hoping that this will also keep me busy. i have way too much time on my hands. the nurses yesterday at the intake interview were quite impressed by me. i have this palm pilot i use for my blood work and doctor notes. 1 of the nurses told me that i should write a book about taking charge of your health. could be used not only for HIV/AIDS but all life threatening diseases. not sure about that, or where i would begin at.

not much else happening. peace and love to all. capt.

well not much happening today. i did get my DSL working at home. so i have something to do at home, instead of just talking to the dogs. lol. i thought i would share some things with my new home state. since i have been down here in florida, i have seen 3 rainbows. which in louisville those were hard to come by. this last 1 i saw actually was a double rainbow. really unusual. since it is so flat down here, you can see rain coming down the road. no shit. last week i saw this happen. i drove right into it. it was kinda cool to say the least.

other news. well today would have been me and zoe's 10th anniversary. it was kinda hard in places. i did not get to the beach. i wanted to put some flowers into the water, and i still may do that. taking myself to dinner and a movie. get my ass out of the house. for sure. not much else happening. will write more later. i will be adding to this now that i have internet at home. peace and love to all. capt.

on other news. i went to an AIDS support group last nite. was told on friday that is was for POZ men, well i knew it would be mostly gay men. well it is a group for gay men only. so i was like well i don't mind you guys and i don't think there would be anything discussed that would offend me. well they were like" are you gay? how did you get it? and then 1 of the guys told me that he had never met a positive hetro man. so i am like well here i am. then all through the meeting they were like, well you might get more out of this group...or this group ...or something. so they might not like me there or not.. not sure. with the group in louisville, KALA, i had no problems being accepted. so stay tuned about this. it meets every monday nite. and i am going to show up next week and see what they say. i am trying to get more involved with AIDS down here. it might be just want i need. get me out of the house, please. well i am doing better. struggling with my loneliness. this too shall pass. i hope. peace and love to all. capt.

well another day. i am at the office and will be getting my DSL for the home PC tomorrow. yippee. not much more to cheer about. i have been seeing a counselor for the last couple of weeks. i am trying my best to go on with life. i miss zoe and now even more so, miss j. not sure where we stand today. i am just taking it day by day. i hope to join the YMCA today and get out of the house a little more. the counselor today gave me this list of pain and grief. it has this little poem on the other page that i thought was kinda good, or morbid. which ever way you look at it. it goes: "you came and made my house our home, you left making our home my asulum." thought i would pass this along to miss j, but maybe not. it might be too much for her. i miss her and love her dearly, but know i need to go on. and live for myself.

well what can i say. it is monday afternoon now. i saw miss j over the weekend. just barely. i saw her last night. i am getting some what stronger each day. but it is rough. i am counting down the days until we are together again. last night she was open to seeing me. and said it was good to see me. she was really glad to see me. she mentioned something about not staying in florida. not sure what she is thinking about that.. i left her note asking her about it. i told her that i hope to be "in" on the next life changing decision she would make. i can only hope. but i have my faith that we will be back together before the summer is over. i will just have to sweat out the summer. yesterday i was at the beach again. i go out for my 2 hours. my tan was fading all last week. went to see my sister and mother over the weekend. i thought or planned to stay over night with my mother. but i got the worse panic attack while i was there. i knew i could not stay there. not sure where that came from. probably from missing my wife and miss j. my heart is still heavy with grief and loss. i would give my left arm to have miss j back. also this friday would have been zoe and mine anniversary. would have been 10 years. i will go out to dinner with myself, probably and maybe take in a movie or so. by myself as usual. getting tired of being alone. but i will go on. this too shall pass. peace and love to all. capt.

not much else is going on. if i was busier at work my mind might be better also. i need to get out of the house and meet some people in the area. the house is so quiet when i am there alone. i am having my nephew come over tonite to spend the nite and then tomorrow i am going to visit my sister and mother. but i know i will be glad to get miss j back into my life next month. i have faith in it. gtg. peace and love to all. capt.

well week 2 down now with out julie. she has been coming by to see the kids. and she has told me that she should be able to come home after a couple more weeks. at least she gave me a time table. i am marking the days off the calendar. i have begun my counseling sessions. now i have been to 2 of them. she is going to start seeing me on tuesday morning now. i think it would be beneficial to see her more than once a week. tonite also i plan on going to a support group down here. it is for serodiscordant couples. 1 positive/1 negative. for those who may not know. so i am in one of those relationships and hope i can meet some more people down in this area. also i might get on the advisory board for the clinic. i will know more about that next week when i meet with counselor. i look forward to that. i think i am slowing getting stronger as the days go on. i have faith in miss j's love and i have faith that she will come back to me. i repeat this in my head throughout the day. supposed to plant that seed in my subconscious. this has helped me deal with the loneliness some. it is with my new attitude towards life. i am hoping.

i was reading some of my old posts and did not sound too good in march. still not sure what the hell is going on any more. there are times that i feel life being sucked out of me. and i have never been known to have any anxiety attacks. now they come all too frequently. i take a deep breath and exhale and then try to go on with the task at hand. whatever that may be. not feeling like work today. wanted to stay in bed all day. i know that is not the answer though. have a lot of stuff to do around the house. even though i hate being there with out anybody else. it is really quiet. well gtg. peace and love to all. capt.

well here i am again. not much happening today at the office. i am missing zoe now days. with miss j gone, i have a lot of time on my hands to sort through my thoughts about missing zoe. i think it came down hard on me yesterday. was hit with it out of the blue. so i am working through it. i see the counselor weekkly now. hoping this will help me deal with things down here. i am really at a loss as of late. start crying out of the blue. i miss having some one to talk to at home. the house is really quiet now days. all i do i talk with the dogs, and they don't have much to say. saw a full rainbow last nite driving to my sisters house. don't think i have ever seen one from end to end. it was really cool. had zoe on my mind then and i was thinking that it was her way of telling me that she ok in heaven and that i need to go with life. easier said than done. went through some pics at my sis house. was good to look at those and think about the good times me and zoe had. went all over the place together. from hawaii to LA to seattle, to DC and New york city on 3 occasions. and i sure miss her these days. this too shall pass, hopefully.

i will not write much. there will come a time again when i can write down here that i am doing well and that i am seeing some body or miss j actually does come back to me. just takin it 1 day at a time now. this too shall pass. peace and love to all. capt.

well today is monday and i am doing alright. i miss my girl around the house. not sure where we stand today. having a hard time going on with life. i know i must find the will to go on. i am sure i will soon. ronald reagan died over the weekend and reading about nancy and how her life has been lonley and stuff. it sounds like my life the past couple of years. the article in the newspaper mentions how lonely she has been and how there is no one that can understand her feelings. well hello. wake up and smell the coffee reporter. there are others out there that take care of thier spouse and have no one to talk to. there are others, yes let me tell you. all kinds of people have told me that, yes it is time to be on your own. well i have done that, and it sucks. i love eating alone, waking up alone. wondering where the hell you are.??? it is no fun. i know miss j loves me and that she will come back to me. just not soon enough. all kinda of people tell me that you took care of zoe for so long. enjoy yourself and be by yourself. well that sucks. i am here to tell you.

on other news. nothing to report about. again thinking about moving back up north. but i would still have these feelings with me. i would still long to hold miss j. she is going through her own hell right now. if only i could image.

they always say that you have to love yourself before you can love others, and that you need to spend time alone to get there. well i feel that i love myself. and that i am ready to love others. i need some companion to share my life with. and miss j is the perfect person for that. i know there are others out there, but i do not feel like looking for others. afraid of the rejection that would come once they found out i was HIV positive. not really in the mood to get rejected. and no i am not settling for miss j just because she is here. but she is intelligent, outgoing, her humor is just like mine, she brightens up the room when she walks in. i am so in love with her. should we actually brake up, well i guess i would be alright, but it would hurt for some time. i just have to have faith that she loves me and that 1 day we will be together again. it is going to take all my will power to survive the next couple of weeks. i promise that i will not succumb to my loneliness and that i will forge ahead. day by day. peace and love to all. capt signing off.

other than that not much else is going on. i did start counseling last nite. it should help me out with my inner thoughts. the counselor actually said god bless you for helping zoe go, and she mentioned that it takes a lot of love to do that. she mentioned that she has some one that she knows now and it is almost the end of her husband's life. well he is wheelchair bound and does not want to go into a nursing home. so the wife is going to take care of him. not much quality of life. and zoe did not have much quality of life. i need to remember that. she did talk to candice for over an hour the week before she died. she made peace with her stepmother at the time as well. she kinda knew the end was near. more than i did. at that point i could not have much of a conversation with her. god i miss her. more than i would like to admit. this month is our anniversary and i am having a hard time with it. especially being alone. i could use miss j's around. maybe by then she will be back home. i am hoping. the sooner the better.

hello world. well saw miss j last nite and today. she came over for dinner before her work. she told me not to think of us being over. she just needs some time to get her head together. so i am hoping that 1 day we will be together again. she told me that if she was leaving, she would have boxed up most of her stuff. and i am living with her stuff all over the house. i did not bring much of my stuff down from KY. i still have stuff in storage. i miss her, badly. i am tired of being alone. i feel like i have been alone way too long. i am missing miss j today and zoe. not sure what to do about it. will be going to the beach tonite to watch the sunset. and will be watching it alone, as usual. i am trying not to pressure miss j, but it would be nice to have her back home. i know that for sure. i will be on my best behavior when she does come back. i was thinking that finally i have found some one that i can spend the rest of my days with. she is perfect for me and i am perfect for her. i await to have our lives join again.

hello world...i am having a rough day today. i want feel like falling to my knees and crying out loud. my heart feels like it is splintered into a million pieces. miss j is still working on herself and not on "Us". it is hard with out her. i feel that she is slipping away. i am trying to be positive. but it is hard. i repeat my mantra, that she loves me and will come back to me. but those are just words in my head. but also the words or thoughts in my head about her, are just that thoughts. we have not had much time to talk to each other. she is working on getting a different job and we spend little or no time together daily. she came by this morning and she was kinda cold. it makes me wonder. but i should keep these feelings in check until i get to talk to her. yesterday she told me that was comforted by the thought that i will keep waiting for her, and that i will keep the kids as well. then she did tell me that she loves me then also. 1 more conversation on the phone though. i miss her dearly and am struggling to get through this week. i am hoping to get into the YMCA today and hoping to get into the weight room. this might releive some of my tension. i am quite frustrated in life right now.

i was taking out to try on the sales pitch for the roofing company yesterday. it was nice and i am hoping to get more out in the field. the money would be nice. i think if i had some money, i would not feel so alone, or it would make it easier. i feel. i know i have a bad attitude, just hoping to get through this rough period. not sure about the future any where. i will just get up and go about my daily grind and hope miss j will come back to me, soon i hope. well keep me in your prayers. i will check back soon. peace and love, capt.

capt checking in...one more session on the couch.... i am doing alright. been a long weekend with miss j gone now. she moved into a shelter for women over the weekend. a clean environment. i am still at awe about the decision. and from talkin with her today, it sounds like she is going to be there for some time now. i am still confused about the situation. i am going to go on with life. on the outside. she drops in daily to walk or feed the kids. i have been otherwise alright. my family has been there for me. and they have been keeping me busy. going to try to stay busy for the next couple of weeks.

looking to get this month over with. have some friends from the north coming down next month. hoping to see them.

i am rebounding and now making my 5th "NEW" beginning in the last 8 months. 1-without zoe, 2-with miss j in ky. 3-me in florida w/out miss j. 4-me in FL. w/miss j. 5-me in FL. w/out miss j. stay tuned.

need to get some regularity in my life. hoping this year would be 1 of the best. still awaiting word about that. naw i should be alright now. i have a new outlook to live with now. going to make the most of it this time. my new subconscious book will be helping me out. i am repeating the phrase "she loves me and she will return to me." in my head. will be doing this throughout the months to come.

i am going to a AIDS dinner tomorrow nite. if they still have it and i can make it over there. it is in st. pete. almost like the buddy dinner up north.

well gtg. just a quick note to say hello. my heart is almost getting colder as time goes on. i am really hoping me and miss j can work things out. peace and love to all. capt.

another session on the couch. i am doing alright today. i have my moments. have not been sleeping well since i was released from the pysch ward on tuesday. miss j is still not sure if she is going to hang out with me any more or not. it seems my actions are what actually pushed her away. will i ever learn. we are still takin it day to day. i am at a loss for words. i know i will survive losing her, if she decides to go...but life would be so much happier with her in my life. she brightens up the room when she walks in. when i wake up all i can do is look at watch her sleep. i can actually spend hours on end watching her sleep. she is a work of art. i can only hope that she sticks by me during this time. wondering if the florida thing should be canceled...still not sure.


i did have some insight into my problems yesterday. i took care of zoe for so long that i am kind of person that needs to be wanted, or needed. and with miss j, she is so independent...real 21century woman...and i am just not used to having my partner like that. it is a new world all together.

finding bruises and cuts all over me from the incident. i fell like all over the house. exposed miss j to my blood, which really was not good.

well i do start counseling next week. will see how that goes. it is at the HIV clinic. not much else to report on. takin it day to day for now. love and peace to all. capt.

i know again that my actions were very harmful to miss j, and kids (grace and maxwell-dogs) due to the blood. it freaked the hell outta miss j, and she still is tramatized over it. i may have just pushed her out the door with this act. i will get over it 1 day. i am going to get counseling and try to join a gym. i am going to work on getting out of the house more and get back into the swing of life. it will not be hard, but i am here to stay now. thank you for listening. peace and love, capt.

well where to begin at...over the weekend i tried to commit
suicide. it was a not a nice scene. i swallowed a bottle of xanax and temezpam. miss j found me when she got off work. there was blood everywhere, due to me falling down. i have stiches in both eyebrows. i have been on 1 roller coaster it would seem down here. this is all too much for me to take at times. it was a call for help and i should have known better. i am ashamed and promise to never attempt this again. been feeling like i may be losing miss j, and that would be the worse. she has told me repeatly that she is not going anywhere. and i hope she does not. we have been through some rough times down here, but we have each other and i got my family down here. going to be spending more time with them over the next months or so. i am convince to make this work down here. i have given up my prescriptions to the 2 mentioned drugs. i have been on them for like 10 years. since i lost my brother to AIDS, 10/13/94. i now know it takes myself to be happy. and i am learning that slowly. i apologize to all that love me and know that i am in your prayers.

well another slow day at the office. today i feel like moving back north. i don't think this florida thang is working out. miss j did start a job this week. not sure if she really likes it or not. if she not happy i am not happy. and it has been like 2 months and it aint getting any easier...that is for sure. cost of living is frickin high down here. and the weather is not even summer time hot yet. sun shining all the time. i know now why it is called the sunshine state. drive every morning to work staring at the sun. i guess we need to stay until at least the end of july. got tickets to see dave mathews down here in july. so i won't miss that show. that was my only new year's resolution this year, was to see Dave. not sure what i had in mind when i said or made the decision to come down here, but it just does not feel right. just yet. maybe some day. i will check in next week. maybe i will be in a better mood then. peace and love to all.capt.

checkin again. i should really edit these before i post them. could not hardly understand my last post. well life goes on. not like i am writing for a pulitizer or anything. just to vent. my life down here is still day by day, shitty. not sure if miss j wants me in her life or not. been getting some vibes that i don't like. she started a new job yesterday. so she is gone now in the evening. leaves me alone in the evening. but it should be for the better, in the long run. i feel i would be lost with out her. as mentioned before. not sure where life is taking me now. my health feels like it is under stress, or over stressed. my neuropathy is really bad at nite. hard to keep my shoes on all day. my soles of my feet feel like they are in fire. i would hate to admit it that i can not really work. but that is not true. i can do some work and the price of living in florida is way higher than louisville. so i must continue to sweat it out. well going to go for now. peace and love to all.capt.

and there are moments and songs and other memories that come racing back to me to remind me of zoe. and i miss her at times. i am trying to go on with life. i am thinking that she sent miss j to me, because she knew how damn lonely i would be with out her. i miss going to the cemetary up north. no one to take the gang any flowers now. and i did not get to see her heastone. it should be installed soon, i am thinking. i just my life to be happy again. i am extremely happy with miss j. i just need to settle down and take it day by day. it has been rough. not the finest year in my life. and am still hoping to go too soon??? one would suspect. but i gave my life to zoe, is it not too much to ask that i be happy again? like what is happiness? who knows. we all have out barometer for that. and i am makeing some money. but i do not want to pursue money if i am never happy... still feel that this will work out 1 day.

went to the beach the other day, or before miss j came down here. i was of course, by myself on a crowded beach. but still all alone. loneliness is a killer. so i am once again trying to find my footing in this world. i am hoping to marry miss j. but we have only briefly discussed this. so stay tuned. i hope to be on here a little more. still no email at home yet. and the office PC's are only connected by 1 pc. so we share that 1.. . peace and love to all. and say a prayer for me. capt signing off for now.

so here i am again. sitting at work, with not much work to be done. we have moved the office of the business. i moved 1000 miles from home to help move a company. no fun. we are settling in though. i am kinda in good mood today. miss j and i are still together. she has a job interview down here. would be the 2nd one she has had. not with the same company though. she is kinda going stir crazy at home all the time. she needs to get out more, and this job would fit her real well. i am totally crazy about her. i have these anxiety attacks as of late. only happened when i moved down here and was with out her in my life. my heart would race and my stomach would get all upset. almost felt like puking. i still get them but not as frequently now. i would hate the fact of losing miss j in my life. i think i dwell on that too much. she has told me over and over again that she is with me and does not want to see anybody else. last nite we were talking and she mentioned why are we down here??? and i was kinda like....to survive. we needed to build a better life for ourselves. and the florida move should do just that. yesterday marked my 2 months down here. still not getting any easier though. some what. the best part of my day is going home to miss j. she is the hilite of my life. she came into my life at a very dark hour, and i feel truly that she was sent to me, or we bumped into each other at the rite time. and yes i miss zoe that is natural. as i am told.