well it has been way too long since i have been on here. here is an update from the road. i just got back this past wednesday night from louisville. i took my niece there for her graduating high school. she graduated a year early due to her smartness. we had a good time. it is always good to be in louisville. did not get to see several people. there is just not enough time. i might be going back next month. who knows. i got all my shit out of storage and i continue to go through the huge pile of memories. i might have to put some in storage down here after all. i was trying to avoid doing that down here at least. life is not too bad. i had my moments and still do going through the pics mostly. i got all my big framed art on the wall. was not sure i had the room for it. but it worked out.


as for my health, well i am still not taking any meds. my doc took blood last month and i see her on 25th of this month. they did a genotype test on my virus and it turns out that my virus is still sensitve to all the meds on the market. my doc was a little shocked at this, since i have been doing what i have been since last october.

i feel fine and will have to change my ways soon when i start the meds. i am sure i will begin them again this month.

then i have a friend from POZ moving to gainesville next week. i might go up there for a night or so. i have never been to gainesville. it is the home of the gators, for those who did not know. also the cards play south florida down here this fall. like in 2 months or so. i can not wait for that. i see big dave again next thursday. i will enjoy that, of course.

well peace and love to all. rev. vernon.

well it has been like 2 weeks since i have been on here. not much is happening. i see doc next week on the 28th, still off meds...will see what she says next week. then i am off to lousyville next thursday to get my shit out of storage finally. i am taking my niece up there with me. we will have a great time. and see some of the fine folks that are still living there.

it is the rainy season down here and you can set your watch by it. also my friends are here from lousyville and we are off to deep sea fishing next week. i think. if i can stomach it. i am a major chummer when i get out on the water.

well today val was in the paper. she is way too beautiful. wish she would look my way. well i am not giving up. she was interviewed for HIV testing day. that day is on monday, so get the test and know your results. not much else is happening. i am making it down here and seem to be a little more at ease with living down here. i have my routine. i go to work then off to the gym and this being thursday that can only mean 1 thing. ladies night. so i will be going out tonight to do some dancing.

well much peace and love to all. rev. vernon.

i did not realize i have been off of here for about 2 weeks now. well not much to report on down here. i almost went back on therapy this week. but changed my mind to until i see my regular doctor. she has me giving blood this month and then seeing her next month, late. i got into the home delivery of meds for persons like me on disability. and they delivered them last night out of the blue. but they were prescribed by another doc i saw breifly when my voice was not working. i think i mentioned this or so. well i thought that i will continue to see my female doc. doc sue. i feel fine and did not want to start chemo at this point in time. so i am going to see what my blood says and see what she has to say. i my lactic acidosis levels were still a little elevated. something the male doc did not take into account, i think. they were at 14mm last time, but this time they went up to 16mm and that is off therapy. so i do not want to pollute my body just yet.

today i am off to meet with the local yahoo singles group. we are meeting to play some pool here. first time i have made contact with them, or met them out. nice day, kinda windy due to hurricane that was out in the gulf. we just got a lot of rain. good for the roofing business though.

other than that...my best of bestest friend is coming into town next weekend. so i will have some to hang out with. no way...how will i act....lol

well i can not wait, we will have some fun at seista key.

much peace and love to all out there. capt. vernon signing.

hey i am back from new orleans again. had a wonderful time and met some wonderful people. i hope to be life long friends of these people. they were really nice and it was another thing to be in company of people who are going through the same thing as me. i am so used to being the token hetero in a group setting. to be in a setting where everyone was positive and hetero. it was just really nice experience.

on the other hand. i am supposed to be starting therapy soon. but the delivery service told me today that they are just planning on submitting my application today. i thought for sure that they would have done that since i was away. i had the visit from the delivery person last week. and today i talked to him and he mentions that they are just today submitting my app. i just think that is more BS from the system down here in FL. stay tuned. i was tired last night and came home a day earlier than plan. but it was raining and nasty in new orleans for monday. and i went back to work today, so it is all good.

well peace and love to all. rev. vernon. captcosmos

night before new orleans again. i hope i behave myself. i am sure i will. i will be in mixed company, so i think i know how to handle myself. i am really looking forward to it. going to the art musuem first tomorrw. i get in too early to get into my room. i get in like 730am, but this is only at the airport.

anyway not too much else happening.

i think 1 ho is mad at me or so. i sent her a package and again i expressed my feelings.

no response.

peace and love to all. rev.vernon.

today i am writing with out the splint on my finger and it does not hurt that bad. real quick note to say or tell everyone that i got some blood work back tonite at my counselor appt. the geno type testing on my virus showed that my virus is still reactive to all types of meds on the market. i have been off therapy now since last october, 2004. and now it is may, or the bloodwork as dated may4, 2005. so that is good news. my virus is not a mutant. so far.

more blood results tomorrow. also see the finger doc. maybe he will tell me i am ok to take the splint off.

until then. peace and love to all. rev. vernon

me again. i am not getting ready to go out for ladies nite. so it must be thursday the 19th. next week i am off to see the hiv doc as well as the hand doc. hopefully i can take my splint. then i am going to new orleans again. this time for a 5 day weekend. lol.. love it.

i am not doing too bad. had some shingle leads this week, but no one signed. so oohwelll.


the weather down here is already hot like summer. they haved warned everyone about how gators are going matin this month, or starts it for the gators. so you mite see one whereever you are. lol. think about that miss 1 ho. lol. hey up there....

i see where the beatle party is this weekend i mean next weekend in lousyville. just when i move they bring in the beatles fair. well i will have to make the trip next year for it.

i am off to do some dancing again. maybe not too much. peace and love to all. rev. vernon.

1 week has past since my last post on here. what has been happening. well tomorrow nite i get to read my poem for zoe out loud to a group that is gathering for an AIDS poetry slam. i am kinda excited about it. will be interesting. my first open discussion down here about the A subject. i will let you all know how it goes.


as for me. well i still miss my girl. with the poem and all she has been on my mind. a lot lately, for some reason or naught.

and my finger is still broken, so typing is a drag. ....

did some betting over the weekend. i went to the track down here. what a world of difference from churchhill. for starters, the parking was FREE. dig it.

and i even won some races. only on the track up north, thou. i could not cash a ticket on the local track. nothing. but i had a good time. must be the angels up north that helped me get those horses. i went strictly with the name on them. and cashed a ticket all 3 races i was there.

then i am going back to new orleans for memorial day weekend.. going to be exciting. hopefully i will come back with my voice. lol. it is a bitch typing with my finger, ugh.

much pain.

well love and peace to all. rev. vernon.

xxxxoooo

i went to the doctor aboutmy voice, was hoping that it was not due to thrush or something. well it was a new doc, at least to me he was. and he took some blood and even did a genotype test on me. will let you all know what it comes back as.

he was concerned that i was not on meds right now. he said i should be back on them within a month, if not sooner.

well be good to each other. peace. rev. miquel.

still me. i am watching u2 concert from slane castle. so i need to get myself out of this stuck in a moment period. i am definelty going to watch my drinking when i go back to new orleans. i even got on 2 different stages to dance for the crowd. there was not a man in the place that could touch my moves. lol.

well i am off again. much peace and love to all out there. rev. miquel.

p.s. happy derby week.

made it back from new orleans. but my voice didn't. lol. you know that is a major sign of me having a good time. when i lose my voice. so i am not working much this week. trying to get it back. then when you do talk people ask me what? all the time. so i have to repeat myself.

well about the trip. we had a great time. saw dave matthews band in the rain again. have not seen dave with out the rain. well just my luck. we had fun anyway. spent like 100 dollars on rain gear, then it clears up. lol. truly.

well i am still nursing my little finger. not sure i mentioned it or not. but i broke it at the ultimate tournament. been like 2 weeks now.

i miss my zoe at new orleans. i was aware of her being gone. i almost felt guilty for having fun with out her. i am stuck in a moment as U2 would say.

i entered her poem into a poetry slam down here for AIDS and i am finalist. damn cool. going to keep her legacy going. i am going to take her book with her picture. hope i can make it through it. i think i can. since i gave a speech in her honor like 2 weeks after her funeral.


i have not seen my counselor again for like 3 weeks. i think i can tell. with my voice out and no one to talk too. not that they could hear me anyway, but i am almost a mute. my own isolated island. well better publish this before i lose it.

dear miss 1 HO. please marry me. maybe 1 day???????? please ..? soon to be the owner of a growing roofing biz in west central florida......miquel gomez

i've watched the children come and go....and by




i will try to sing a happy song, i will to make a happy game to play...


come and tell me what it is like to go outside,.... i have never been and i am not supposed like thiss.....but it is okaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy


rev.vern.

well hello world. i am back with broken small finger and all. i am having to put the splint on after i shower. makes life interesting to say the least. trying not to use it much. lol. it has been little under 1 week and i have to keep it on for 4 weeks. ugh. the penalty for playing hard. i did recently get a new pc desk and also kitchen table. they both kinda match by being with glass top and like off grey base metal on both of them. still getting used to the fact that if i like something, i do not need to get approval of any one to bring it home. lol. i am off to new orleans this week. yippee. ican not wait. my sis and i are leaving this thursday thru monday. we are going for the jazz fest, but may only see that 1 day. we are going to have a great time first. big dave matthews is playing this saturday why we are there. so i know we are going to see him.

well my finger it is a hurtin

much peace and love to all. rev. vernon.

well hello all. this week i saw my doctor and she told me that if and when we restart therapy it will be some totally different. so we will see. i hate to think of getting back on that chemo train with drugs. anyway also this week i got my finger x-rayed and sure enough it is broken. i have this splint that i wear all day and nite. supposed to be on for like 4 fuckin weeks. ugh. no one at home to help with the task of getting it back on after i shower. so i wont be showering for 4 weeks. lol. and next week we are off to new orleans. and that will be great. going to the jazz fest down there, or up there as i am in florida.

then i am going back in may for memorial day weekend. i am going with a group of hetero positive. and there is only 2 men going. me being one of the 2. like those odds.


well i spent 4 hours in the ER for my finger yesterday. it was kinda hard when i left there. it hit me like a ton of bricks, thinking about the hours me and zoe spent at the ER. it was a different experience for sure. when they ask who to call in case of an emergency, i say call a doctor. lol. then i have no one to tell them. but i put my sis shelly down for contact. she acquired an older son when i moved down here.

well peace and love to all. rev.vern.

tonite i saw green day with my niece. we had a great time and she met some hot boyz. lol. we had a good time over all. she even did sum crowd surfing, much to my shagrine. but we both survive. and then i got home and was able to open the line of comm. to miss 1 ho. i am so happy about that. i really fucked thangs up last week. i did.....enuf said. feeling that we can get thru this. invited a stranger to go with me to see Dave again in july. i will keep my fingers crossed about that. much peace and love to all. my little finger is fucked, so it hurts to type. i am doing alrite. it is hard to beleive that i was so low last year that i wanted to snuff myself out. glad that plan did not go thru. peace and love to all. miquel gomez.

went down to catch the sunset tonite. it was the first time this season to see it once the clock has been set back. so now i have time to come and have some dinner and then go to the beach. tonite it went behind some clouds on the far horizon. of course. then went into the office for about 2 hours or so. lots and lots of paperwork. buried in it.

well love to all. miquel gomez

well hello world. not much more happening here. 1 ho came and went. it was a rocky end to a wonderful week. it was just kinda hectic to say the least. we enjoyed each others' company. but nothing happening, romantically there.

i did get interviewed for a POZ article, but i mite end up on the editing floor. we will see about that. i sent the reporter a link to my blog, maybe i can still get my book published with the story of zoe. hoping to be some inspiration to others in life. i have been through hell the last 2 years, but i am almost at the end of the darkness. still some more work to do. with my anniversary for my suicide attempt coming up next month. i year out and i feel i am at a much better place than before.

i am still going to the gym and working out with the weights. as i mentioned before or not, i go the gym and make love to the weights. lol.

gtg for now. i will be back soon. i hope all is well where this finds you. much peace and love, rev. vernon.

well where to begin with. i have been off of here for some time. i am doing well. i am working hard. and the big news, well let me see. my friend 1 ho came in town. she is actually still here. yippee. i will finally have a lady to take to lady nights on thursday night. if i can talk her into going. then i am off to new orleans this month for the jazz fest. and dave mathews will be playing that saturday night. fabulous. then i got tickets for green day next monday on the 18th and i got my ticket foir U2 in novmeber and also got tickets to dave matthews in tampa. i am going to be busy. planning on going back to new orleans next month with this group from miami. a hetero group has it's retreat in new orleans. so i signed up to go. i can not wait. going this month with my sister. and that too will be fun.

selling some roofs, but never enough.

then i get to be interviewed in POZ tomorrow for an upcoming article about treatment interruptions. soon be starting my autobiography. lol.

stay tuned. i promise to be back here soon. not going to make it back to louisville for derby this year. maybe next year.

well peace and love to all. rev. vernon.

well hello world. i am sitting here on sunday afternoon getting ready to go and watch the cards play bball. love this time of year. and i can only hope that cards win today. that would be nice. nice weather down here. sunshine and about 75 degrees. love it. i did not do much this weekend. stayed home sat. nite and watched bball all day. i did go out friday nite and shot some pool. still no love interest yet. not really worried about that now. thinking it would crimp my style if i got involved with anybody. i am doing well. today would have been mine and zoe's anniversary of the day we got together. it would have been 12 years today. seems like another life time ago. i did have a very nice close friend put some flowers down for her yesterday. yesterday would have been her bday. she would have been 37 yesterday. still not a day goes by that i do not think of her. i put some flowers into the ocean down here for her. but that hole in my heart is slowing closing up, or it getting easier to live with it. i still miss her and will always have her in my heart.

well peace and love to all. miquel gomez.

well here i am again. i had not too bad of a weekend. went out and drank friday nite and then i stayed home saturday nite, but went to the drum circle on sunday nite. not much else is going on. i highly recommend that everyone go out to dinner by themselves. and go to a busy place, like the outback. like i did this past friday nite. i had a good meal and of course i am used to be alone. so no big deal. you call a head for seating and they ask how many in your party? party of 1, please. lol. best story about going out alone is when i went to cracker barrel on sunday morning. i know busy as shit. well they sat me in the biggest room they had, then they proceeded to seat me in the middle of the damn room!!! well guess what lived. and i suggest everyone do this at least once in thier life. then you will think better of it when you curse at your kids or husband/wife when they are on your nerves. the world would be such a better place. and no i am not here to save the fuckin planet. just wanted to spread some cheer. which i am having a hard time myself finding. but i am still looking.

peace and love to all. miquel gomez.

well it has been some time since i have been on here. sorry fans. i have been doing good. not great, but good. this month is or was zoe's bday month. she would have been 37 on the 19th. i will put some flowers into the ocean for her. i need to send some cash up north for some flowers on her grave. i need to def. do that. i miss her still but the tears are less often. i cried or started to in the store the other day. over strawberry shortcakes. there is this strawberry festival down here this month. it is huge or so they say.

still not seeing any one. i had my 3rd date from the personals last week. and again i got this note from her later that night about sorry we did not find love, good luck on your quest. i wuz like, i was not looking for love on the first date. so be it. her loss.

i usually go out on thursday nite for ladies nite. but not tonite. not in the mood to or something.

i am getting more and more leads in the sales. and i am hoping to get a flat screen monitor. since this monitor has been going out for over a year now. thinking about getting a camera and do some kayaking in the ocean. that would be cool. go into the mangroves and take some nice black and whites. i saw ansel adams pictures last weekend. going to see monet this weekend. trying to expand my horizon. mite even run some leads this weekend. i need to do that.

well i am outta here. i am doing not too bad. i did get my results back recently. not sure i wrote anything about that. my tcells are down to 261 from 385 or so. and my viral load is now at 6100 after being under 50 for the last 3 years or so. it was in 2000 when i was interferon only and my viral load went up to 33000 or so. and that was after 8 months off drugs. so i will keep it up. no meds for like 9 months to get my lactic acidosis level down. it is coming down. from 20 to 14. and the usual or normal range is 3-12mm. well gtg sport fans. i will try to check in more often. love and peace to all. miquel gomez.

i am back. i am getting better and better, or should i say stronger and stronger with each passing day. i still miss my wife. but for that matter i miss the touch of her skin. i almost crave human touch. not so human, but woman touch. their scent and their taste. to be in that atomosphere again. i walk by women out or so, and take in their scent. i am doomed.

but i am getting stronger. today i got a note from miss j. and i wrote her last week. so it was good to get a response.

as for dates. well let me put it this way. rome was not built in 1 day... or wuz it? i always forget that answer. lol.

i crack myself up. lol. i am playing with the idea of going up north one more time to get my shit. i am aiming to go there maybe next month, towards the end of march. who knows.

i have been emailing this girl in russia. i think she is fraud. but who knows. she has not rightly, yet, anway and ask me for money. i am just waiting. she is talkin about coming for a visit soon. ouch. and i mean ouch. i will let you all know how far that goes. lol.

other than that i have been getting dates with soccer moms. lol. old soccer moms at that. lol. made my age limits on yahoo a lot lower, like 42 or so. maybe that will weed out the old ladies. maybe i am asking for 2 much. i am after all 40. when i mentioned green day to this woman last week, she was like UGH!!!!!! lol. again i crack myself up.

i was at the bar last weekend and was looking to talk to this one young lady there. well this other 1 came up with bleach blonde hair, but it was cut like a buzz. instantly i thought it that cindy lauper? and said that to this young lady. she looked at me like i had 3 heads, and said "i don't know"?!!! (with the look in her eye, you fuckin freak!!!)

but today i realized that that lady was probably way, i mean way too young to even know cindy lauper. i instantly got out the wheelchair to wheel myself home. lol. and back to the home. lol.

well i got a new name this week for me. my new name is now, miquel gomez. hope ya like it. peace and love to all. miquel.

1 more thing i hate today. people that do not compromise. when people upset you, or hurt you, you should get over it at some point. unless the offense is like they killed your mother/dad or they have cut off your arm or leg. they upset you or hurt you in the past. that is why it is called the past. it happened in the past, now get over it. again i remain humbly, the rev. vernon.

1 more thing i hate today. people that do not compromise. when people upset you, or hurt you, you should get over it at some point. unless the offense is like they killed your mother/dad or they have cut off your arm or leg. they upset you or hurt you in the past. that is why it is called the past. it happened in the past, now get over it. again i remain humbly, the rev. vernon.

well here i sit in my underwear drinking beer and watching ncaa basketball. it truly is the demise of the american way. today on the news i heard that the FDA is going to be instituting a drug safety committee. is that an oxymoron or is it me? then the other highlight of tonight's visit from dan is that there are golf carts being made to look like real cars. and they cost in to the 20,000's dollar. is that not absurd or what. again is it me. ??? people that own them do not even play golf, they ride around in their gated community and claim to speak for the older people in this country. that is just fuckin amazin.

as for me. well i mentioned my mood in the first line. only thing missing from my nite is a box o chocolate. lol.

well i am still here and still disgusted at the way america is moving into the future. well that is just this reporter's insight. much peace and love to all. rev. vernon. i think i will have another beer

well i am back for now. it has been 2 weeks since my last confession. no i am sorry i am not talking to a priest. silly me. life has been going on. no women in scene yet. and i am working a lot. i selling about 2 or 3 roofs a week. and that is sweet money. i am also on the road a lot getting permits for the roofs. i just got done with flag football and now trying to get onto a softball team.. will be hanging out at the field looking for a team to get on. my health that is another issue. i have now been off therapy since the first of november. although my viral load has only got up to 6100 but my tcells have dropped to 261. that is down from 385. so i am happy about that. i see doc this week. will report in with that visit. still going out dancing. voted myself best male dancer in bradenton. lol. having some fun these days. still working out at the Y. and i did finally ask this cashier out at the permitting office. she is dating some one at the time. bummer. but this too shall work out. gtg for now. all of you all are in my thoughts. life is getting somewhat easier, but i still miss the zoester. well hello 1 0 in that frigid cold north. love you all. rev.vernon.

back from louisville. and it was a good trip. got to see zoe's stone at least 3 days while i was there. that is a big comfort for me. and me a one ho had a great time together. it was hard to leave her. but i had to get back to work and sell some more roofs this week. which i have been doing. today i was 2 out of 3 in sales. meaning 2 went my way. tomorrow i have 3 more appointments. yippeee. then tomorrow i am actually meeting some one out at the club. and it happens to be a lady. even more yippeee. we are meeting at 10pm to do some more dancing. i am looking forward to it. hopefully she will be there.

as for my health. who knows. i did give blood last month. i have not gotten the results yet. i might get some this week at my counselor. i see her tomorrow as well. i have been trying to not live by my numbers down here in florida. up north i lived and died by them. but i am trying to be more relaxed down here about them. i look fabulous and i feel fabulous. so the hell with what the numbers say.

well peace and love to all. rev. vernon.

well i made it to lousyville. and i am having so much fun. but it is bitter fuckin cold here. i need some palm trees now. lol. no time to do much except have some fun. flight in wuz even early. how good is that. well gtg. p/l to all. rev. vernon.

ok im back for a little bit. been driving miss ho wild. she can not wait until i get into town, me as well. hoping that it is a drier trip this time. maybe. i am looking forward to seeing the old stomping grounds again. again i will enter the city as a victorious king. that i am. lol. well i played my last football game tonite. i am now looking forward to softball in 2 weeks. they are doing a 7 man fball league. but these old bones can not do it. softball is so much less body contact. lol. then i have gotten some responses from american singles. the first lady i met, already sent me a dear mike letter. the very first lady i meet in person, in the flesh...and she sends me this note after 1 dinner date. her loss. too bad. well gtg. got some packin to do. love and peace to all. rev. vernon.

me again. i have been doing the american singles.com website. to no avail. i met 1 lady and 2 days later she gave me a dear john letter by email. what a laugh. after being on the internet for like 20 years or longer, being with the university and all. then there is this 1 hot senorita that put my messages on auto reject. that felt good. out of 90 emails i sent out. i have gotten like 3 good responses. and that is counting the one that sent me the dear j letter. well life does go on. i had dinner with the waitress friend of mine. and tonite she asks me to lunch. yummmy. she is yummy.. well i am off again. i will try to check in more often. life is swell. love and peace to all. rev. vernon.

hi 1 ho ...........luv ya. i do..!!!!

well it has been some time since i made an effort to log in here. sorry about that. i am doing much better, mentally that is. at least. i gave blood this week and that has been since october 26, 04. i have been off meds for that long as well. no HIV drugs that is. i curious to see what the results produce this week. i am also off to lousyville this week. flyin up for a 4 day weekend. i have been going out on weekends and dancing at the club in town. on other news fronts of mikeys' life. some have taken notice.

well off for now. gtg. peace and love to all. rev. vernon.

hello 1 ho....luv ya

well it is my big ole bday today. i am 40 today. and it was a doozy. i could not get zoe off my mind today. it was harder than xmas for some reason. she always went out of her way for my bday. no matter how poor we were. well then i am off to shellys house for the party. got my jaggermiester. so it will be a good evening. lol. i am also going into dunedin tomorrow for an art show. a certain lady is displaying her goods, in more ways than 1. lol. ooh nooo, i just realized that she is also would be a miss j. boohoo. but it is all good in the long run. she is also an artist. 2 whammy. anyway. new person, new reality. right. !!! no predisposed opinions about this 1. so gtg for now. rev. vern signing off. wonder if miss 1 ho is going out to dinner tonite w/pork? big shout out to miss 1 ho. who does not know yet, but i got my plane ticket today to go back to lousyville. c ya on the 27th of this month. yippeee. love and peace to all.

1 beautiful word..... prenuptials.....1 ho.....get that message....lol....

prenup


prenup


prenup



lololololo

lmao


lmao

lmao

WELL ME AGAIN. w/out shouting now. i will be 40 in less than an hour...ugh...!!!!!!!!!! but i had an awesome day in the roofing biz. 1 day mite have to tell about it. i am still doing alrite. missing my zoester. even as the bday fast slams down on me. ugh and lol. did not share with any one 2nite about my bday tomorrow. did get some jaiger for it. not even sure how to spell it. mite wake up with a shot. would that make a drunk or what. . ..... jaigger and an omlette for breakfast. lately i have missed zoe. like you would not know. it wuz not that bad over the holidays. i mean it never got crushingly bad. like it has the last 2 days or so. and again i can only attribute it to missing zoe. last year, again i was just getting over losing her. now it kind a like the bell was rung last year, but this year the refurbration of the bell is hitting the soul. and i mean deep soul matter. i miss her dearly. but she knows that, and hopefully would want me to get on with living my life. like again shawshank redemption.. .....getting busy living or get busy dying. i think i want to live, so here is to another 40 fuckin years on this earth. c ya....rev. vernon.

yyyoooooooo 1 ho!!!!!! ya listening???? go 2 www.americansingles.com and put in zip code of 34205 and c if i cum up!!! hope ya like the pics. lol. 1 shout out to 1 hoooooooooo!!! c-ya. peace and love to all on this eve of my 40st bday. goddamn. can i say that. 40st. ask my bro in law if i have to have a prostate test from now on annually. he told me only if i am lucky to have a nice tall blonde german nurse. lol. well 1 ho. this chickola did write me back from st. pete on the site of the month. lol. all the hags on there look old, or the young white chicks give me no reponse, or even the instant rejection with the NEVER ANSWER THIS ASSHOLE'S EMAIL IN THE FUTURE. NOT EVEN IN THE NEXT LIFE TIME.........PLEASE DEAR GOD GET THIS ASSHOLE OFF MY EMAIL ACCOUNT. LOL. AND THEY WONDER WHY SOME GUYS ARE SHY....ME. C YA

yyyoooooooo 1 ho!!!!!! ya listening???? go 2 www.americansingles.com and put in zip code of 34205 and c if i cum up!!! hope ya like the pics. lol. 1 shout out to 1 hoooooooooo!!! c-ya. peace and love to all on this eve of my 40st bday. goddamn. can i say that. 40st. ask my bro in law if i have to have a prostate test from now on annually. he told me only if i am lucky to have a nice tall blonde german nurse. lol. well 1 ho. this chickola did write me back from st. pete on the site of the month. lol. all the hags on there look old, or the young white chicks give me no reponse, or even the instant rejection with the NEVER ANSWER THIS ASSHOLE'S EMAIL IN THE FUTURE. NOT EVEN IN THE NEXT LIFE TIME.........PLEASE DEAR GOD GET THIS ASSHOLE OFF MY EMAIL ACCOUNT. LOL. AND THEY WONDER WHY SOME GUYS ARE SHY....ME. C YA

yyyoooooooo 1 ho!!!!!! ya listening???? go 2 www.americansingles.com and put in zip code of 34205 and c if i cum up!!! hope ya like the pics. lol. 1 shout out to 1 hoooooooooo!!! c-ya. peace and love to all on this eve of my 40st bday. goddamn. can i say that. 40st. ask my bro in law if i have to have a prostate test from now on annually. he told me only if i am lucky to have a nice tall blonde german nurse. lol. well 1 ho. this chickola did write me back from st. pete on the site of the month. lol. all the hags on there look old, or the young white chicks give me no reponse, or even the instant rejection with the NEVER ANSWER THIS ASSHOLE'S EMAIL IN THE FUTURE. NOT EVEN IN THE NEXT LIFE TIME.........PLEASE DEAR GOD GET THIS ASSHOLE OFF MY EMAIL ACCOUNT. LOL. AND THEY WONDER WHY SOME GUYS ARE SHY....ME. C YA

hello world. i have had pc problems over the holidays. but i got that fixed finally. and wanted to say hello. needed to say hello. well i survived another holiday period without zoe. it was better. i guess. there were ups and downs like we all have. but my heart is slowing mending. slowly. i am glad 04 is over with. now for 05. i turn 40 on the 14th. so look out world. almost ready for my AARP. lol. not really. maybe it is true what they say. life begins at 40...!!! stay tuned. love and peace to all who may read these pages. rev. vernon.

for some reason or so, i have grown bored with this concept. not really, just tired of bitching. home alone again for the 2000ths time. what else is new. last night i probably had the worse nite of flag football that i will ever live through. i was beaten, not once, not twice, but 3 times for a TD. it sucked. i am hoping to do better next week. this was the week that i said no one will score on me for the rest of this season. funny, that did not last long. lol.

not much else is new. did meet a young lady tonight at the grocery store. yes. i have seen this species before at the gym. but i actually introduced myself to her, and i was not drunk. it was after work, and those are the most soberest moments of the day. lol.

that was after i went and had my session with my counselor. it always kinda depresses me to talk about my doom and gloom with her. but i survived and do not see her until after the xmas.

and the life cycle goes on.

well signing off for now. maybe i will be back sooner than last time.

i am off all HIV drugs still. saw the doctor this week, but she did not take any blood. so who knows what the fuck my blood work is doing. DOH??? she is some what a bonehead. and it is hard for me to put my faith into her like that. but i am. and not living for the numbers, or that shit right now. kinda taken it easy with my HIV chit. so stay tuned. peace and love, rev. vernon.

well it has been 4 days since checking in. and last time i do not think that i mentioned that it is now official. i have my florida license plate. got in world aids day, dec 1. mine of course ran out in november from KY. i can now take my own plate and hang it on the wall.

i will no doubt be staying in florida. it is the best option for me right now. i feel. miss j, in case you are wondering moved back, well she moved back to lousyville. and has been back there for about 2 weeks or so. if not longer. i have little if any communication with her. life does go on.

i am kinda missing my zoe as well these days. she has been gone for a year and i still talk to her. you know there are these 3 sand herons that i see a lot by the office. and they are all the time, 3, only. so today i named them for our fallen heros in cavehill. zoe, kevin, and jerry. man i miss those kids. i guess it is the holidays and all.

not much else going on. still hanging in there like a hair in a biscuit.

much peace and love to all. vernon.

hello folks. nice sunday morning down south here. not much happening today. i am off to church, yes church. did you hear the thunder ??? i am off to church due to the fact that they are having a memorial service for persons lost to AIDS. due to the world AIDS day this week. i am also going to pray for myself. and to give me strength to go on. i am alright today. just a little lonely, as usual. i am also off to the drum circle today. i am doing my best to get out of the house and to meet others. i woke up this morning, to sunshine as usual down here. had some coffee. and talked to the cavehill gang. i sure do miss them all. i am trying to forgive myself for helping zoe transcend this world to the other. you know she wanted to die at home. i just wished we had talked about it more. i know she is in a better place now. i am just hoping that the guilt i feel will lessen as the days go on.

i am still off hiv drugs and hope i am doing alright.

i started playing flag football this week and think i brusied my collar bone or something in my shoulder. maybe i am too old to play this rough sport. but i am getting out of the house and meeting people this way. and i am still going to the gym and think i have a softball team to play on this coming february. met this guy at the gym and his team needs a shortstop, which i play. and softball should be easier on my bones. lol.

well gotta go. life is getting better, or the burden that i carry is getting easier to carry.

much love and peace to all. rev. vernon.

hello folks. nice sunday morning down south here. not much happening today. i am off to church, yes church. did you hear the thunder ??? i am off to church due to the fact that they are having a memorial service for persons lost to AIDS. due to the world AIDS day this week. i am also going to pray for myself. and to give me strength to go on. i am alright today. just a little lonely, as usual. i am also off to the drum circle today. i am doing my best to get out of the house and to meet others. i woke up this morning, to sunshine as usual down here. had some coffee. and talked to the cavehill gang. i sure do miss them all. i am trying to forgive myself for helping zoe transcend this world to the other. you know she wanted to die at home. i just wished we had talked about it more. i know she is in a better place now. i am just hoping that the guilt i feel will lessen as the days go on.

i am still off hiv drugs and hope i am doing alright.

i started playing flag football this week and think i brusied my collar bone or something in my shoulder. maybe i am too old to play this rough sport. but i am getting out of the house and meeting people this way. and i am still going to the gym and think i have a softball team to play on this coming february. met this guy at the gym and his team needs a shortstop, which i play. and softball should be easier on my bones. lol.

well gotta go. life is getting better, or the burden that i carry is getting easier to carry.

much love and peace to all. rev. vernon.

well today is sunday and that means a drum circle on seista key. i will be leaving here in about 2 hours. not much else is happening. not sure if i mentioned this last time or not. but i have been taken off hiv drugs due to the buildup of lactic acid in my blood. it can be fatal, but we caught it in time now. so i am off drugs for 6 months or until my blood dictates it time to get back onto therapy. my count was 20 when over 15 is 60% fatal. so i am doing well. in that regards.

i start playing football next week. it is a 4 on 4 flag football league. see if these old legs can still rumble. lol. we will see.

last wednesday nite, night before thanksgiving, i shot my ass off in pool. i could not be touched. i held the table for like 2 1/2 hours. i only lost 1 game during that time. cool.

well i am off to shower after the gym. hope all is well. peace and love to all. rev. vernon.

yes it has been some time since i have been on here. well i have made it through the 1st year without zoe. and i find myself still missing her. the book i am reading it mentioned that when you lose some one, it is also giving up that habit of that person in your life. so you have to give up that habit as well. well it has been hard to break that habit.

as for me. well i recently started playing on a 4 on 4 person flag football. so i am getting out of the house some more now. we practice on monday nite and then again on saturday a.m. the season starts on dec 1, world aids day. so i wont make it to any of the local remembrances of the day. i mite, we will have to see. there is this one lady that is in the local scene. we she looks just like zoe, if that is not bad enough. she is positive as well. so i have been trying to see her, anywhere i can.

as for now. well i am ok. about to burn dinner.

found out last week that miss j moved back up north. so that is definetly over with. what a bummer. as long as she was in town, i always held out hope. so now there is no hope. and i must go on life. i am doing just that.

well peace and love, rev. vernon.

i will be back here soon. i promise.

hello world. long time no talk to.... i am doing alright i guess. been now 1 year with out zoe this past saturday. the last couple of days is has been on my mind. as you might guess. it may just be me, but i am getting on with life. i just started to practice with a 4 on 4 flag football team. we start on dec 1. world aids day. ia m going to be sore tomorrow. i can tell. it has been like 6 years or so, since i played any regular sports. so these old bones will take some getting used to running again.

i went to put some ashes on another beach this past weekend. in honor of zoe. it was a beach we went to often. if she was not at the sponge docks. or i would drop her off at the sponge docks and go to howard beach. i intend to put some out the local beach as well.

i still miss her. hard to believe it has been 1 year already....it has been one hell of a long year, it seems. then it seems like yesterday i was trying to get her upstairs to bed. and then the last nites we spent on the living room floor with her... she was in her hospital bed. i have not thought of that moment for some time now. whews....

then i went to see norah jones last week. another show she would have liked to be at. going to RENT tomorrow nite. should be excellent. as always. but again i take her spirit with me. i love you all. and you too honey.... rev. vernon.

monday nite and not too much going on. i worked today most of it, kinda. then went to the gym and home to dinner. tonite's menu consisted of chicken thighs on gril, with flavored noodles and corn on the cob for 1. this is the week of big events.

the first being that is is zoe's 1 year anniversary. hard to believe it has been 1 year. then at times it seems like this has been 1 long ass year. it has not been 1 of my favorites. that is for sure. but i am coping and going on with life. i think zoe would have want it to be so. i still talk to her. mostly in the car. and then there are times i look up to talk to her. i miss her dearly at times. it is mostly music that sparks my memory. and with that, the 2nd event takes place this week. my sis and i see norah jones this friday nite. so the events take place in reverse order. but it is still going to be one of helluva week. it has been on my mind heavily that is for sure. i have a special 1 oh putting flowers on her grave for me. thank god. there are some times that i think that i abandon louisville, or abandon her, and her grave site. now i wonder if any body visits her. i hope they do honey....and i am thinking of you often.

peace and love, reverend watery eyes....

well i am still here. i have not had much to say on the happy side, so i have not been on here for awhile. i have been busy with the kerry campaign. doing some work for the PAC moveon.org. i am a precinct leader and doing a lot of canvassing, trying to get the kerry vote out. we need to send bush back to texas. please america, hear me now!!!!!

well not much else happening. i actually have a blind date tonight. and i have never been on one of those before. so it should be interesting. we are meeting at a nice place on the water. stay tuned. i will let you all know how it goes. i am not putting too much stock into though. dont want to be let down if it turns out to be a disaster. you know me and my attitude. lol. i am kinda nervous, since it has been years i have been on a real date. hopefully it will go swimmingly.

well and the weather down here is nice and sunny. it does not feel like october. i dont think i have been able to wear shorts in october before. surely does not feel like halloween time. this might take a couple of years to get used to that.

as for miss j, well she has moved on, and i do not know where she is in this city. no phone number or address for her. i am sure the family is happy about that, but i still had some little hope left in me for us. ugh. well onward and upward.....!!!

it will soon be 1 year with out zoe. can you beleive it. i miss her still. and i am still in counseling. so i am doing what i can to be healthy, or at least in my mind. but there are times when the song on the radio hits me and i break down and cry. i wonder if i should be with anybody these days? i know the loneliness is getting easier. i dont mind it as much. but it is still there.

well i am off. love you all. capt vernon.

it has been about 2 weeks since i have been on here. well nothing new to report really. i have been up and down. last week was kinda hard for some reason or another. it was kevin 10 year anniversary and i know that can only mean that miss zoe's 1 year is not far off. has it been that long? it seems like yesterday. but only the calendar knows that it has been 1 year. you know i have that last night in my mind so vividly. and i try to recall our last conversation we had. and you know i can not for the life of me remember that. it might have been when hospice came in for the intake interview. after that she was not really herself. i guess she sensed that the end was really there and she tried to keep me from thinking about it. you know it just came to me like that. she was trying to protect me. can you image that, as she laid there dying she was still thinking of me. she was that kind of person. and i miss her. she is still in my heart and soul. i must go on. and you know there are days when i feel that i may never be happy again. is that not absurd or what? surely i will find happiness again, where i do not know. but then that is life. if we knew all, it would not be worth living for. right? when you are a kid and you wish for christmas to be here. and you hear you parents or another elder tell you "don't wish your life away" . well that is so true now a days. i wish only that i could talk to her 1 more time. do you think she knows how i feel? i hope so. i know she is in a better place and out of pain. only if i could find a place with no pain. then i will be happy... we hope or wish.

well rev vern signing off for now. i mite be back soon. peace and love to all.

well another week has started and i am actually in a good mood tonite. i got my house to myself and i kinda like it. i can watch whatever the fuck i want to on TV. what freedom. and i can eat whatever i want to as well. again what freedom. taking this freedom thing too far. lol. well wanted to report that i am in a good mood tonite and thought that i would share this with whom ever maybe reading this. also get and vote soon. and vote for KERRY. we need W outta there. asap. thank you for tuning in tonite. peace and love, doormat.

well another week has started and i am actually in a good mood tonite. i got my house to myself and i kinda like it. i can watch whatever the fuck i want to on TV. what freedom. and i can eat whatever i want to as well. again what freedom. taking this freedom thing too far. lol. well wanted to report that i am in a good mood tonite and thought that i would share this with whom ever maybe reading this. also get and vote soon. and vote for KERRY. we need W outta there. asap. thank you for tuning in tonite. peace and love, doormat.

alone again. my new nickname will be doormat. it seems that i like to be stepped on by people who i want to trust. i just kicked out my new roommate after he did not have any money for the 2nd week. i wanted to believe that he would come up with the money some how, and after he told me that his brother was going to send some money to him. well he did not and i had to take the harsh actions of kicking him out. am i too nice? or just naive? i don't know. so now with him and then miss j earlier in the year, i have no trust for other people. people are ruthless until they act otherwise. just the opposite of being innocent until proven otherwise. like the law. but i know that i need and will meet some people down here that have a nice heart. somewhere. and also my neighbor down here also owes me money, since july. so i am going to have to harden my soul or something. try to live for myself and no one else. and look out for myself and no one else. that just seems to be a harsh way to live life. but i am learning each day if one is to survive that i need to take this attitude towards others. it also may be the crowd i am hanging with. so i am going to start anew again this week. let's see i think that is like the umpteenth time this year i have started over again. or at least it feels that way. again i find myself feeling empty inside. and i have no one else to blame except for myself. another hard lesson to learn. let's just hope that i can learn from this and not trust another fuckin soul down here. lol. if only it was that easy. well capt doormat signing off. peace and love to all. one day maybe that love and peace will come back to me.

alone again. my new nickname will be doormat. it seems that i like to be stepped on by people who i want to trust. i just kicked out my new roommate after he did not have any money for the 2nd week. i wanted to believe that he would come up with the money some how, and after he told me that his brother was going to send some money to him. well he did not and i had to take the harsh actions of kicking him out. am i too nice? or just naive? i don't know. so now with him and then miss j earlier in the year, i have no trust for other people. people are ruthless until they act otherwise. just the opposite of being innocent until proven otherwise. like the law. but i know that i need and will meet some people down here that have a nice heart. somewhere. and also my neighbor down here also owes me money, since july. so i am going to have to harden my soul or something. try to live for myself and no one else. and look out for myself and no one else. that just seems to be a harsh way to live life. but i am learning each day if one is to survive that i need to take this attitude towards others. it also may be the crowd i am hanging with. so i am going to start anew again this week. let's see i think that is like the umpteenth time this year i have started over again. or at least it feels that way. again i find myself feeling empty inside. and i have no one else to blame except for myself. another hard lesson to learn. let's just hope that i can learn from this and not trust another fuckin soul down here. lol. if only it was that easy. well capt doormat signing off. peace and love to all. one day maybe that love and peace will come back to me.

here is another poem for the masses. hope you like this one too. i am working through my grief with poetry. a talent i did not know i possessed. until recently. i have a lot of time on my hands and so i go over these in my head. and try to put the words together before putting them down on paper, or into the pc. this one is for zoe.

I miss

I miss those carefree days of yesteryears

When all we had was each other

i miss her sweet smell

i miss her blue eyes

i miss conversations with her that made no sense

i miss walks in the park with her

those late nite ice runs

i miss the color of fall leaves and walks in the park with my sweetie

i miss the art shows

and one can not forget endless weekends spent at the flea markets

where she would always get gifts that she never sent to whom they were

intended to go to

and those weekends mornings where I would awake to find the zoester gone
but I always knew she was out at the yard sales where she would be gone

for 8 hours or more

where she would bring home more shit than our house could hold

I miss the many live bands we saw, where she would always want to get

closer and want to get an autograph

There is more than once she was successful at that task

i miss those late nite chinese runs

i miss those endless doctors appointment

i miss the pill bottles

i miss all the things i used to bitch about

if only i had more time with her

I miss her many trips to the ER where she would always rebound and we

all thought she would rebound from this last time,

She over came so much in her life.

Even she did not want to believe that she was dying

Telling friends about her last stay in the hospital was due to the heat

of the summer and food poisoning from a bad lobster

now I will live with her spirit of life and she will always be with me

in my heart

but most of all i miss my wife


i hated english in high school and college. so i never thought i would be writing poetry. but it may help with my feelings. it is also another release. the next one i write will be for some one that is living or maybe about a thing or so. not necessary for anybody. maybe. although i need to write one for the jerrmeister. uncle jerry for those out there not in the know. zoe and kevin and uncle jerry all buried at cavehill. we have 4 plots and i am the last one living. and this past weekend and before i left for the sunshine state i paid them a visit and it was no fun. it was really hard and especially this past weekend. i did not know how i would take seeing zoe's headstone. but it took me back. seeing her name in that stone. it was a heavy trip. to say the least. i have had her on my mind all week long. my counselor said it is good that i got the first visit back home over. so maybe next time it will be easier. i am hoping. not sure when i will get up there again though.

well anyway. we have a weekend down here with out a hurricane. not sure how people will take that. lol. it has been one wild ass hurricane season. to say the least. well peace and love to all. rev. vernon.

well i am back from lousyville. it was a nice trip overall. but it was quite hard at times when i saw zoe's stone. that took me back. it was hard to sit with her and see her name in stone. it was harder than i imaged it would be. i sat with her for about 1/2 hour each time i was alone with her. on sunday and then again on tuesday. almost put me back to where i was before counseling. but i will get on with my life down here in florida. it was nice to see old friends and they were surprised to see me as well. not everyone knew i was coming up. so i was able to surprise quite a few people. but it is nice to be back home again. i feel that florida is more and more my home. so that is good thing. it was weird visiting lousyville and see how all my friends have thier own lives and they did not stop when i came down here. so it was more and more like i made the right decision. the city has too many memories for me. it would not be good to go back there to live, if i ever do. it will be some years from now.

well here i am again. not much happening. except getting ready to go north for a brief visit. i will be leaving this friday a.m. for a 4 day weekend in lousyville. looking forward to it, with some caution. i think it will be hard to see zoe's headstone and the others at cavehill. will be having a lot of emotions flooding into me. i am hoping that this will be one more part of my grief that will help me heal from that loss. i am not sure who i mite see up there. if anybody is interested in seeing me. kinda think i will be let down from the reception. but life does go on.

not much else happening down here. i am kinda feeling some what blue today. not sure why. i think again it is due to miss j. i have left her messages and she still does not call me. would it be so bad to have her call me back? would this bring her down or what? i do not think she has much consideration for her fellow humans on this planet. i am still not over her, 100%. one day this will be behind me. i am hoping.

i am still going to the Y. and then i am out to try to sell some more roofs tomorrow. i have sold like 5 in the last month. just waiting to get them installed so i can get paid for them. then i will be a little happier. money cant buy happiness, but it makes life a little easier that is for sure.

well enough from me now. gtg fix some dinner, peace and love to all. vernon.

well where to begin at. it has been a little while since i have checked in. so i am for sure going to louisville the weekend of sept 24th. we will see who is happy to see me there. and who might show up at wicks pizza next friday. i am hoping to see as most of the people that i would like to. i am for sure going to see zoe's head stone. i am also hoping that that will be some sort of closing ceremony for me. or at least some help with the closing of that part of my grief. i am still missing her like crazy some days. i will be out in the car, traveling with myself and a song will play on the radio and the tears start falling. i am thinking that this is normal for missing a spouse.

i also look forward to being in town while the cards are playing fball. i can at least catch the game on tv up there. and then the aids walk is going on that sunday, so i will take part in that as well.

other news, well i sold a roof this week. yippee. makes for my 5th roof to be sold. now just waiting for installation so i can get my commission. work is going pretty well. as you can image with all the hurricanes we have been having. and of course the family blames me for the all the hurricanes. did not think i would see 1 this summer, let alone 3 of them. but it is good for the roofing business. not good for mobile homes.

what else is happening. not much of anything else. plodding through life and getting on with living.

much peace and love to all. vernon.

well another week about to come to a close. not much happening this week, except we are expecting another damn hurricane this monday. i can not beleive it. it is good for the roofing business at least. that is all i have to say about that. would hate to think that i am going to meet my death in one and join zoe. that would be terrible. going to be staying home so far. it is too far out there for them to make any real predictions about it. so stay tuned. and last weekend we had hurricane frances, and that is all you get on the local tv stations. hurricane coverage. just like when 9/11 happened. me and zoe got sick and tired of looking at dan rather, so we changed my social security number and were able to order cable. thank god. and i just got more cable down here for the cardinals football season. and i was able to watch them kick uofk ass last weekend and did not lose power. like the rest of florida. the cable blink like twice but came right back up, and this was during the game. i was like noooooo, but it came right back up.

well i am still looking at going to lousyville for the aids walk at the end of this month. so look out and i will keep you all posted. was thinking of having people, whoever that may be, to meet me at wicks pizza. going to get a pizza and some green chili wontons at the bristol. besides the people that is all i miss from lousyville.

well gtg for now. peace and love to all. vernon.

well i made it through another hurricane. here i am down here for 6 months and i have already weathered 2 hurricanes. today or this weekend's edition of storms of summer of 2004 was one big ass storm. they evacuated the whole east coast of florida. it was billed as the biggest evac in florida history. glad i was here to see that. i would have hated to be in that traffic for sure.

well as for me, well i am getting through another day. the cards at least won today. big time. like 35 to zip. take that wildcats. lol. and i had a pot of chili and a tail gate party of 1. lol. big time crowd. was a long line for the bathroom at half time. lol. still yelled at the tv. of course. i had to do that. would not have been the same with out that. and of course i am a little hoarse from that. i had lost my voice, as usual last weekend when big sis was here. i think i lost it then due to all the talking i did. i did not get drunk and i don't think i have a cold. so it must have been all the talking i did.

did talk to O.H. tonite. she is having a rough time. i wish i could reach through the phone and give her a big ol hug. she needs one. some of her friends have abandon her. well it seems like they have. so i will call her daily and try to cheer her up. one needs to keep a positive attitude in this life. i should know by now. i have read like 3 books over the summer about grief and the person's attitude. the average person has like 50,000 thoughts in a day. so you need to keep those thoughts positive. or it will drag you down. for sure. and on that topic i saw miss j this weekend. she came by to give me her key. then i called her after she left. i wrote her a poem and she told me that it was foolish of me to think that we would ever get back together. and stinger to my heart. but she has been gone now for like 3 months and i need to go on. that is for sure, as well. it is hard some times, but again i think i am getting stronger each day. and i hope to be going to louisville this month. to see zoe's headstone. i mentioned this to miss j and she said, "who headstone"? duh. mark her down as an experience that it was.

well enough about her. maybe this will be the last mention of her on this blog. she does not deserve any more thoughts from me, or any more typed words on this blog. so slap me if i mention her again. lol. if you can.

i have been writing another poem. this one is for kevin. my brother. i am trying to write a little more now since i have some time on my hands. he has been gone now for 10 years. does not seem like that long. but i miss him at times. next poem will be for the zoester. these are not going to be short poems, i am finding. i write some then leave them and come back to them. (one more mentioned of miss j. she told me that i should write more, she liked the poem i wrote her.) and my counselor mentioned to me, or asked me if i was poet. i was like no. it was when i said that the loneliness of my house hangs from the wall. and it does, but the hanging is getting shorter with each day. i am going to make it. and i am going to make it down here. i am determined to.

well enough for tonite, i think. peace and love to all. vernon

another weekend another hurricane. i am now riding out another hurricane down here in florida. i did not think i would see 1 hurricane my first summer down here, much less 2. and now there is even another one out in the atlantic. i am going to be alright in the house, just hope that i do not lose power.

besides the weather i am cooking some chili since it is the start of the football season for the cardinals. i am looking forward to the game. i ordered cable and got it installed yesterday just in time for the game today. now i pray that i do not lose power. not much else going on. i did see miss j on friday. she came by to give me my key to the house back. she might be moving back north in november. who knows. she told me not to expect to see her any more. life does go on.

i am doing alright. a little bored in the house all weekend. but i do have some cable to watch. and i have the storm coverage on and off. nothing is open down here at all. kinda like a ghost town. i think i will go out later and do some looting. lol. not really. i will check in with you all later. love and peace to all. vernon.

another weekend and another hurricane. this state has not been hit by 2 hurricanes for decades. that is until i got down here. lol. i am doing better today. getting ready to weather out the weekend. planning on doing some cooking this weekend. going to make a pot of chili for the uofl game on sunday. then i might make a cake and then a hasbrown caserole. keep me busy hopefully. had lunch today at hooters, and as usual tried to pick up my waitress. lol. stay tuned. told her she should evacuate to my house for the hurricane. lol.

other than that, i am trying to be in a better mood. i am a great guy and great catch for the next woman in my life. there is nothing wrong with me. i cook, i clean, sometimes, and i treat women like they are gold. so some day my princess will arrive. i will keep you all posted. but before that happens, i am going to enjoy living with myself and do what i want to do, and then make myself happy. i will check in over the weekend. probably during the storm, again.

peace and love to all. vernon

here i sit with out my shit. lol. i am slowly turning into a poet. i am quite lonely tonite. some times it is a crushing hurt deep inside. i know that it will get easier one day. just seems like it is forever to get to that point. i feel that i will be okay one day and my life could be worse. but i am just living in this present moment. i almost feel as if i have lost all my dreams of yesterday. my counselor asked me about 2 weeks ago where do i see myself in 5 years. i could not picture it. it took me some time to come up with anything to say. it is now sept 1 and i am glad august is over. the summer is about over to. that is for folks up north. i am now living in the land where summer is always in season. i will see what the winter will bring.

i am waiting to see that game this weekend. and i am glad it is on espn. i went on the uofl site today or yesterday and almost cried. i do not think that if i was back up north things would be any easier. i must continue to plod on.

well enough of this sadness for tonight. peace and love to all. vernon.

well it does not seem like it has been a week since i have been on here, but it looks like it has.

well the week was busy one. i ran a lot of permits for the hurricane area down south. put like 150 miles on car, each day. but had a good paycheck. biggest one in my working career, but now it is gone with the bills.

feeling very emotional tonite. i sent a poem to miss j. but still feel like she will not be back to me. ever. feeling lost tonite. and i dont know why. my sis wuz down for last nite and we cried a lot together. she is having rough time with her divorce. so we are both going through life changes at the same time.

i get stronger each day, then i take 2 steps back, it feels at time.

i did sell a roof last week. can actually say i am a salesman now.

have not to the gym lately either. maybe i am needing that. besides some company. or a woman. lol.

well not in the mood to share much tonite. i will keep this short. i am still here and kicking. been playing a little more on microsoft zone game site. makes me feel like i have some one to talk to.

much love and peace to all. vernon.

something else to share with whoever is reading this. this is a poem that I wrote my last semester in class. it was a history of New York city and the beatnik generation. how could you not take this class. well we had to write a poem for our last assignment and this is the one that i wrote. not the best poetry, but i have begun to write a little more. actually i have one going for miss j. maybe one day i will share that one. but for now, here is the original one from vernon.


I aint no poet


I stand before you today with a poem to read.

Big deal you reply, we have been listening to poetry all this

Semester.

What will one more poem mean.

Well in this case it means a lot to me.

You see I aint no poet, but yet still I claim to have one for you

today.

This poem is my little window into my soul

I consider poetry a window into the writers soul and very much admire

Anybody that can write poetry so I shall attempt to open my window to

You today

In this class we have listen to jazz, heard the blues, and examine the

Past through some of this century’s greatest writers,

And it was here in this class that I heard kerouac claim to be a great

Poet one must first know misery

Well this poem is about my personal misery and how I should be regarded

As one of the greatest poets around,

Or at least for myself my misery is mine and not yours.

This brings up the question of whose scales do we use to measure this m

Misery?

Yes I know misery but I aint no poet

Who is to say that one’s pain is deeper or bigger than anothers?

Who would want that job?

Some of my misery is imbedded in the loss of my dad when I was 17 my

Dad died from an instant heart attack afters years of alcohol abuse

Then in 1994 I lost my brother to AIDS. He was not onjly my brother

But also my best friend. So I know misery, sometimes as a close friend

But I aint no poet

My brother introduced me to my wife, who happens to be dying of AIDS as

Well

We have had a good life together and continue to live for each day

Together

She was recently put into a nursing home, so now I go home alone

Yes I know misery, but I aint no poet

So here I stand before you today with my poem of misery only to tell

The class that I too am HIV positive, and now it seems that misery

Knocks at my door too often

Yes I know misery but I aint no poet

Like the beatniks looking for immortality, I too search for immortality

Only my immortality would be in the form of a cure and I don’t see that

Happening too soon

So I take ginsburg words to heart as I have heard before that you

Decide that if you die with AIDS or live with AIDS, and I chose to live

With AIDS

My motto now days being carpe diem and fuck the rest of the world

And now that my window is open will you open yours?

and as usual peace and love to all. the reverend vernon.

saw charley's destruction today. it was horrible. it made me feel that i am fortunate and that i do not live in that area. it was just terrible. i have seen tornado damage up north, but nothing like this. all the store fronts were damaged. no store was without. like going down dixie hiway and the store with signs in front all that was left was the frame of them. i mean all of the signs were not there. at the mcdonalds all you could see was the outline of the big M and nothing else. it was sad. it looked like down town bagdad, but you knew that mother nature did this. again it was quite a site. going back down there tomorrow. because it is good for business. they alway say that natural disaster are good for the economy, but bad for the people who live through it.

well enough from here tonite. peace and love to all. vernon

i was wondering if you all had the chance to view zoe's website lately. nothing new, but i will add the link here if you have not seen it, or would like to view it again. you can also email me at the bottom of the page, that email still works. or i am still checking it. her site address is www.angelfire.com/ky/zoezone. she was so proud of it. she did it all by herself, with a little help from yours truly, but she would not admit it. she sat in front of the pc for like 3 days and put it together. it was also mentioned one time in POZ for the cyber site of the month.

well i am off to plod through life so more. peace and love, vernon.

well what be happening. not much here. another monday here in florida. still running down into the hurricane area to get more permits. hurricanes are good for the roofing business. as you can image. not much else to report. i am still kinda lonely. getting some what used to being alone. the summer is coming to an end with labor day almost here. and i started the summer alone, and it looks like i will finish the summer alone. i went and saw the sunset last nite. and once again i was thinking of zoe and saw another rainbow. this one was most unique and that it went from 1 cloud to another cloud. never really came down to the earth, but was in the clouds. i have not seen one of those before. one more sign from the zoester letting me know that she is alright and that i will be alright, 1 day. i am working on my place and getting more and more what i want to decorate it like. again a new adventure, that i get to decorate how i want to. not like my girlfriend or wife would like it. i was alone a lot in my 20's but this time it is some what different. not sure why. maybe because i am an old fart with HIV. but who knows. i will continue with life down here. and i am hoping to get to lousyville next month for the AIDS walk. i am planning on coming up there, or would like to. i need to see zoe's headstone and feel that it will be a help to me with my grief issues.

i am also missing miss j as well. she came by over the weekend just to drop off some pictures she had got in her stuff by accident. she is doing alright. it was good to see her, brief as it was.

well enough from me tonite. i will check in later in the week. peace and love to all. vernon.

well got the zoester on my mind tonite for some reason or another. it has been not even a year yet, but it will be soon enough. still trying to get adjusted to life with out her. i will journey on. was going to share with the world about her last nite with me. it was about 6pm and she wanted to go up stairs and go to bed. first she had to potty, so i told her that she could in her bag (not sure how to spell, clostumy). but she said she needed to sit down. so i sat her down in the bathroom outside our bed room. she got up and the bowl was full of blood. was not sure what to make of that. so she went to bed. she asked for some help to sleep. and i kinda knew what that was. this is 1 of things that has been haunting me this past 10 months or so. i gave her some to sleep. it was a eye drop of something. not sure i remember the name of it. so then i proceeded to give her morphine. i gave her like 3 eye droppers of it. and her breathing was labored. i stay awake until like 4am listening to her breath, trying. it was a long nite. so in the a.m. i got up about 8am and checked her. she was still breathing but more labored or so. i did not think about it at the time. like what the fuck are you doing??? well i was in a coma, mentally. and i gave her 1 more eye dropper of morphine. i feel like i killed her? who was i to take zoe life? but we talked about it before, i guess, i knew the end was close. so i went back to sleep next to her, until about 10am. when i got up she was gone. so that is my tale. my counselor told me that doctors have beening doing this for years. it has been weigh heavily on my mind over the last 10 months. also our doc up north, our HIV doc, who knows up quite well. she told me that the blood in the toilet was probably her kidneys shutting down. so, zoe was not long for this mortal world. it turns out that the day she died is also a anniversary of a close friend of ours in louisville. i was not there, mentally. i try to recall that day, and it is a blur. anyway. i wanted to get this off my chest again. i have told close friends about it, but don't think i have put it here, on the blog.

anyway. enough for now. peace and love to all. vernon.

well almost at the end of another week. it has been up and down. it seems that i need to keep my mind busy with something or another and the time goes by quickly. this week has been hectic at work to say the least. i have been on the road getting permits down south with the hurricane and all. i have been down there every day since tuesday getting permits and even seeing some sales appointment. i am not sure, but i think i might have sold my first roof today. this old man, of course and his wife liked our product and called me later today and said he was interested in buying our roof. of course, i priced it way too low. i was not aware of the fact that smaller jobs cost more to do. live and learn. then he called this other roofer who gave him a quote this month, like 2 weeks ago. he tried to cancel that job, he asked for an estimate only and the other roofer had him sign it, like he was buying it. and the old man was caught in between us and the other roofer. of course the other guy had him sign the estimate and in small print was the statement that he gave him his roof to do. so the old man was frantic when he called me. the other roofer said it was a legally binding contract. and i think the other roofer pulled 1 over on this man. so we are going to look at it tomorrow and see if he can still get out of that 1, and buy ours. it would be way cool if he is able to do that. so we will see if i actually made a sale today or not. stay tuned.

other than that, i am missing my lady, my wife and anybody. had my friend in town from miami last nite. we had some fun. she had a couple of guys with her and we went out to dinner and then me and 1 of them watched the olympics. big nite in bradenton. lol.

and so tonite i am all alone. and i am up and down in mood, that is. i have spent a lot of time with myself as of late. as you can image. i spent the whole summer with myself. and i like that. NOT. i am getting along with myself that is. i am still working out at the Y. and it shows. or some people say it does. since i live with my body i can not really tell so much. but last nite miss T said i look bigger than when she saw me last month.

well gtg. for now. peace and luv 2 all. vernon.

well here i am again. watching the hurricane coverage on the news to let me know that life could be worse. i am sorry for all those people that lost their homes. we at the roofing business did not lose 1 roof due to the winds. due to our design. then there is the story of the rival roof company that had on order something like 80,000 windows for this 1 mobile home park. well the park itself is now gone. so the other company has to eat those windows. too bad, soo sad. but we do not want to chase misery. or the insurance dollar.

as for me, well i have been in the best mood to get on here. so i thought i would spare everyone the sorrow of my life. like i said, i am watching the hurricane coverage to remind me that life could be worse. nothing really happening down here. i am going into the hurricane zone tomorrow to get some permits for the company. should be interesting to say the least. i have never seen destruction from a hurricane. stay tuned. it is probably much like a war zone or so. but aint never seen 1 of those either, thank god and greyhound.

and tomorrow my friend from miami is coming into town with 2 gay men. ought to be interesting. staying at the capt's B&B in bradenton. lol. no love fest, just another visitor. she is also like my sister. i have a lot of sisters in this world. you know what i mean O.H.!! lol.

well nothing else real earth shattering to report, so i will sign off for now. keep those cards and letters coming. lol. peace and love to all. vernon.

well i made it thru my first hurricane. without a scratch. was not as bad as they expected and it did not do what the forecaster thought it would do. it was projected to hit my county but it turn east before it got to us. we had sustain winds of up to about 80 mph when it came by us. i was at my sister house out east. i was going to ride it out at home but decided against it when the people on tv were telling us that we should evacuate. so i did at the last moment. there was even some gas station that ran out of gas and ice. then the 7/11 by my house was even boarded up. you know it is serious when the 7/11 is closed. lol. well just wanted to report in and let you all know i made. peace and love to all. vernon.

new report!!! charley is now a category 2 storm. winds up to 110 MPH. maybe up to Category 3 storms when it hits. think i will get my kite out, lol. c ya.

could be my last transmission. got a hurricane coming rite at us. they are predicting land fall rite here, where i am. not sure if i am going to evacuate or not. i am now in the area that is supposed to be leaving my house. the last time this area took a direct hit was in 1961. lucky me. lol. ought to be kinda wild here in the next 24 hours. we are not opening for business tomorrow. and now clearwater county has mandatory evacuation. and this has never been done. kinda big storm. well i need to get my beer and bucker down at the house. hoping that my car is well. stay tuned. auntie em, auntie em. !!! toto toto. dorothy, dorothy.???!!! we aint in kansas anymore!!! peace and love to all. vernon.

hello o.h. much love. xxx. vernon

well hello world. wanted to let you all know we are under staewide state of emergency. due to the 2 hurricanes out in the gulf. yippeee. tampa bay has not had a direct hit from a storm for about 20 years. ya get mikey down here and you are asking for a direct hit. lol. so this weekend should be quite fun. lol. going to get my canned goods and water and make sure i got my gin and tonic, lol. and ride out the storm. stay tuned. hopefully i will be back on here, soon. i will check in before the storm hits. the news channels down here are buzzing with advice on what to do, when to do it, etc, etc. so i get to ride out my first hurricane. stay tuned. not much else happening. peace and love, vernon.

well made it through another weekend. now monday nite. thank god football starts tonite. at least i will have something to watch.. what else is up??? not much, missing the zoester tonite. i just have her on mind. and last week i was kicked out of the gay group. not sure i mentioned this on here or not. i got an email from the facilitator last week. there were some uncomfortable with me being there. oohwell. first time in my life i have not been accepted by a gay men. frickin faggots. lol. not really. i apologize in advance if i offend anybody on this site. either by name or what. i have to get this off my chest, so i sit here and talk with my PC. lol. i write out my thoughts. if you give your thoughts "life" by vocalising them. then you can really see if you thought was rite or not. someone told me this philosophy over the summer. so i use my blog as a sounding board or so. and maybe it will help some one out there. well gtg. peace and love, vernon.

well it is thursday, must mean vernon went to see his counselor tonite. which i did. she actually told me that my mood has gotten better over the summer. since i had my suicide attempt i have been seeing her weekly. she is nice and has helped me. at least i have some one to talk to besides my family at work. not that they are bad. but it is nice to have some one other to talk to out of the office. i literally do not talk to anybody after i leave work. unless it is in the grocery store, or gas station, or some other service industry. unless i am on the phone. thank god, i have unlimited long distance on my land line. and i have been reaching out as of late. it helps too. i miss zoe and others friends of mine up north. but i am getting stronger with each day. that is my motto.

one more report from last weekend. me and o.h. went to see my sister. she has never met her. vice versa. so we had some drinks during the day. that was usual. o.h. was without kids, since 1954. lol. a very long time. so we enjoyed each others company. some how we started talking about tequila. and i knew that my sis had some left over from the derby party. o.h. said she used to like that. and i have always liked that. so i told o.h. that we would have to have a shot when we got there. i was throwing caution into the wind as well. so we had 1. and things were alright. then we left and had to get some dinner. but on the way we smoked a little. which apparently put o.h. over the edge. we were sitting there at dinner. a little bar/restaurant place where i knew we could get some nice and greasy food. well o.h. went white and had to go out to the car. lol. she was out of it. as for me, i am always out of it. lol. so she excused herself to the car. and as i watched her go to the car, i was worried, to say the least. but i was also worried that she not set off some one else's car alarm. i was not real sure she knew where we parked, or what kind of car we were in. lol. but she survived and woke rite up when we got home. not that she was sleeping. she was not. but miss j had come by during the day and saw o.h. there. i knew miss j was coming and did not tell her, due to the fact that i had nothing to hide. miss j did not think it was funny, or nice, or whatever. she kinda had a moment. miss j came in real quick got her copy of her resume and then told me that she would be over later when we had left to get the rest of her stuff. and so when we got home there was evidence that miss j was here and had gotten more of her stuff out of my place. i was kinda upset most of the day, due to making miss j uncomfortable. i felt bad, but told myself that she left me. so what am i supposed to do???? stay hidden under my covers and crying.??? i did that for the month of june and most of july. but o.h. helped me get out of bed, along with seeing dave matthews in concert. the incidence during the day with o.h. just gave us something else to laugh about. and we did. a bunch. i consider that i gain a new sister in louisville in o.h. she is great. and i am lucky to have her in my life. she is one of the most beautiful women i have had the chance to know over the years. me and o.h. went school together. and that was about 100 years ago. lol.

so i getting on with life, as miss j said. but i told her that nothing happened. and nothing did. i still feel drawn to miss j. but i am getting better, like i mentioned. both of them are both so pretty. to see them both, you would think that you are looking at a monet painting or so. so i am lucky that i have both of them in my life. and life. not to take anything away from zoe. she was also so pretty. and i am quite lucky to have had that love in my life. some one or so, maybe it was in a movie or so. but it mentioned that usually someone only gets 1 true love in your life. and i hope that that is not true. but that is something that i do not dwell on. so with that, i will run for now. peace and love to all. vernon.

well more news about this past weekend. i ate some wild ass stuff for o.h. she made me try some assparagus, mango, fish, salmon, twice, then broccoli and she gave me a new drink to drink when i get a wild hair. coconut flavored rum with orange juice. so it was quite a weekend. if you know anything about my taste buds. i am quite a picky eater. so again we had a great time this past weekend. then here i am on wednesday and i am left wondering when i might have a good time again. i also wonder if i will ever be loved again!!!????? i know i will. i need to keep the faith that i will. i am also debating with myself about going to church this weekend. now that would be world changing occurence.

and right now i am having another alfred hitchcock moment. i am at the office and have been here for about 3 months. well right now there is a large flock of black birds gathering at the construction site across the street. wondering if this mite be another sign. a sign of what, i have no idea. i have never seen this flock of birds before. nor have i seen such a large gathering of black birds. woooweeeooooo. hard to type that sound. lol.

well check back if i make it home today. lol. peace and love to all. vernon.

i need to add some things about last weekend that i over looked. me and miss b (from now on referred to as o.h.) well we had a great time last weekend. we went to the beach and watched the lightning storm out on in the gulf. she tried to take pictures of it, but we had no luck there. we had a great time and went out to eat on friday and then again on sunday. she helped me decorate my house. this was after i had told her that i had some fun, decorating my own house. a new concept for me. since i have not had the chance to do this as an adult. i was not an adult until my 30's. lol. well o.h. helped with that. she spent some cabbage on my house with candles and other items to give my house a femine look or feel to it. maybe this will help me catch a lady or 2 or 3 or 4 or 5, who knows.

o.h. wanted me to clarify these points of last weekend that i truly over looked. i was belly aching over losing and missing miss j. well i need to move on with that aspect of my life. def.

i am going to be strong for me and o.h. from now on. not sure what life may have for me. but again tonite i was debating on going back to louisville. which i do not need to do. rite now anyway. i have a chance to sell a roof tomorrow and i am going to do just that.

well peace and love to all. especially to o.h. xxx. rev. vernon.

well another day down at the office. not too bad today. at least so far. i did not get much sleep last nite. i am hoping to get more tonite. i mite go to my sis's house tonite. not sure i want to spend another nite at home. and then get this. the PWA meeting or support group i crashed on monday nite, well i get a note today that the gay men are uncomfortable with me there. so i am no longer welcomed there. fuck em. you would think that anybody going through this disease or battling this diseased would be welcomed at any meeting. small mindedness is what i see. i have been in this community or the AIDS community now for about 10 years and suddenly i am no longer welcomed. again, fuckem. i will find my support in other areas down here. where i am just not sure, but i will battle on.

not much else is going on. i am doing my best to get through another day here. i have a sale appointment tomorrow. yippee. i am going to make my first sale tomorrow for the roofing gig. i feel it in my bones. i am sure of this. stay tuned. i will report in tomorrow. peace and love to all. rev. vernon.

well it is 4am and i and i am wide awake tonite. i woke up at 130am with a dream about zoe. and i have not been able to get back to sleep. i am going somewhat crazy tonite. not sure what is going on. just missing my wife and companion in this mortal world. wonder if i should take more drugs or get more drugs from the doctor to help me sleep. just not sure about anything these days. i took some flowers to miss j today. and got no response from her. i need to leave her alone, but a big part of me would love to have her back in my life. i am trying to accept the fact that she will not be coming back. it is hard. i think this last year has been one of the most difficult times of my life. surely nothing else that i have to face in life could be any harder to deal with.

on other news about my doctor visit last week. not sure if i reported about that or not. my tcells took a dive. down about 140 points or so. from 486 to 315. but my viral load is still undecteable. the tcells dive is probably due to stress or that i just gave blood when i started my on medicine week. not sure. next time i give i will give when i am on a full week. i need to get out of this funk that is for sure.

not sure what the dream was about tonite, but i think also that kevin was in it too.. maybe they are both trying to tell me something. what that is i am not sure. not sure about anything these days.

my mind is racing and it has no end in sight. i must go on and get myself out of this gutter. it is hard to say the least. wiht miss j out of my life, i wonder if she came back, would she break my heart again in the future? i am going to have go on with out her. then i wonder if she came back would she leave me when i got sick? again i must go on with her. just like going on with out my wife. i miss zoe a lot these days. i need to go up north and see her plot. maybe that will help me close this dark chapter in my life. they say if you give love you get love back. if you give out peace and harmony you get peace and harmony. well what the fuck happened to me as of late then??????

well going to try to get back to sleep now. peace and love to all. vernon.

a sign that i am getting better. i am here at work watching paint dry and i am not crawling out of my skin. this time 2 months ago i would have been awashed in tears. here it is about 430pm and i have not cried today. god i miss my girl, miss j. but i know i must go on. peace and love to all. vernon.

another monday here at the office. took miss B to the airport today. nothing happened between us, which is good. she like a sister to me. we had a good time over the weekend and she dreaded going home. no offense to her kids, she just was not ready to give up the good times we had. we went to see dave together. if she did not come down, i would have ended up at dave by myself. no fun. i am tired of doing things on my own. miss j came by over the weekend as well. i think she was a little pissed at me for having company. like i am supposed to stop living until she comes back. i feel it that she will not be coming back any time. if ever. i am at work alone, of course. need to get back into the Y this week. i am hoping to go there today.

me and miss B had a real good time. dave was excellent. and his 2nd song was grey street. for zoe. i had that song played at her memorial service and so the concert was a fabulous after his 2nd song. i was very glad to hear that song in person. it was raining on us, but we were able to get a cheap poncho to keep the rain off of us. we had some real asswipes around us, thou. this 1 lady had the nerve to ask me if i could move over during the show. this was standing room only and it was in the lawn. i was like i don't think i am moving anywhere. lol. me and miss b still enjoyed ourselves. we laugh, we cried and laughed some more. it was real nice to have some company over the weekend. now i am back to reality. alone. but i am getting better with each day. i hope i am anyway. i pretty much knew that nothing would happen between me and miss b. i am still in love with miss j. but i am going to have to stop that some soon. and get on with life.

well that is about it from here.

i will be carrying on. my new name will be vernon. so this is vernon signing off. peace and love to all. reverend vernon.