today is kinda slow in the office. it is the most work i have done on derby eve, since forever. it is derby eve back home, as you all reading this probably already know. so i have been told i can leave the office around 3 or so. after we get supplies in. not much else going on down here. i am sick and tired of being sad though. this i do know. and i fuckin miserable down here. like i said, maybe i am looking to be happy too soon. just don't have the patience anymore. and i am hoping maybe 1 day it will get easier. who knows. well anyway. i am signing off for now. willl check back in next week. no internet access at home yet. so i am doing this all from the office. much peace and love, capt.

another session on the couch. that is what i should have called my blog. yesterday went to the permit office for work down here and did not have my paperwork in order. so i cried. i have been doing a lot of that lately. crying over the little of things. i am spent it feels like. all the manly men in the permit office and here i am, somewhat grown man, crying over my paper work. the guy helping me as been known to be an asshole but he saw my eyes welling up and i think he back down from being an asshole. i went back today to clear it up and had another hour session with him. a lot of details to get the permits out so that we can install the roofs down here. and i do not know the process just yet. it was not a good day. only thing that saved me was being able to go home to miss j's arms. and she is not doing the best. or well. she is fighting with her own loneliness down here. since she has no one except me and my family. and she does not know my family as well, just yet. but they all love her, and i know it is only a matter of time. maybe i am looking to be happy too soon after losing my wife. not sure.

so i am working like 40 hours a week and have not had a job since may of 1998. almost 6 years of doing nothing, but taken care of my deceased wife. will ever learn to live again????? does not help that i am listening to sheryl crow, who kinda sings the blues on this CD. and i have the blues badly today. anyway. well not much else to report on. i see the doc again down here next week and will get my blood results back also. maybe i need a vacation already. lol. it has only been 6 weeks down here at work, and i was hoping that it would get easier as time went on, and maybe it will. just not today. well enough of feeling sorry for myself. i will sign off for now. peace and love, capt.

watched the 6th sense movie this week and of course reminded me of zoe, and how i miss her. and it was on my brother bday. so that did not help either. i feel like i have had so many loses in my life, and i fuckin tired of it. or maybe i am just plain tired. who knows. and me and miss j are still engaged, but we have not set a date and she has not even bought it up. so i have this small notion in my head, or should i say fear, that she does not really want to marry me. and with this fuckin disease, i feel like i would not get anybody else. i know that is not true, or at least tell myself that. but it is a deep seated feeling in my head. i know others with HIV get dates and meet others that are not infected. but not me. i am shy kinda guy and am not that aggressive when it comes to asking women out. so i feel if i lose miss j, i am destine to have a life of loneliness. my uncle who died in may of 2001 was like a hermit. he had no or little social life. he lived in chicago and then came home to louisville his last 4 years of his life. well i feel like i would be destined to live like that. but these are not constant thoughts in my head. just today. and maybe it is because it is derby week. and that does not help with the home sickness. who knows any more. not me.

back again. not doing too well today. not sure how many people may be reading this or so. and i have not been on here for awhile. feeling some what homesick or just plain lonely today. i am at work. no internet at home yet. i got to work early today. and me and miss j are doing alright. just not settled in down here yet. i hate the fact that i came down here to chase money. i hate the fact that this world revolves so much around money. i know it is only my attitude, or perception. but i was tired of living on disability so i thought i would come down here and work for my sis and get a real life. but it just aint happening yet. yes i do have some cabbage in the bank, but life is more than just a damn paycheck. or at least it should be. i still do not know what i want to be when i grow up. lol. maybe it will get easier down here, so day.

so i wanted to get on here today at work, of course and let others know. who ever may be reading this or so. if anybody still does up north. the last day or so, i have had zoe on my mind a lot. and do not want to rush things. so i think it would be wise to get married next february. we would know each other more by then. i miss zoe and know i will always have my memories with her. miss j knows about her and i can openly talk about her with miss j. so stay tuned. the family down here is quite excited as well as they should be. and i am as well. my heart still pounds very hard when she walks into the room. and feel that this is the best for both of us. it was a spur of the moment proposal. i like to do things that way. carpe diem. my moto. well gtg. love and peace to all. i would like to hope that everyone can find their soul mate in this life. it is too short to be lonely. c ya. capt.

well i am back. after 1 week in hell last week. me and my lady are settling down real nice. we have a lot of work to do on the cottage house we are renting. i am doing better some what emotionally. i am very very happy to have miss j down here with me. and now for the big news, i proposed to her yesterday. and she said yes. yippee. we are going to set the date maybe for next year on valentine day. thought that would be a nice day to get hitched again. i had told some people that i would never do that again, but at that point i did not know i would meet some one as beautiful and lovely, and vibrant and outgoing and just a real joy to be around as miss j. so you should never say never. i am very much in love with her, and i feel she is very much in love with me. we have worked out most of our problems that we both had up north. and are doing very well.

it was just a long trip. i am now back at work, and we are settling in. she is lonely down here, and i really did not think about that. she hopes to be working in a month or so. we (or I) told her she should take some time off down here and some rest. well gtg. all is well now i got my little lady here. peace and love, capt.

back on here after a disastrous trip up north to bring down my love of my life. i got my girl here with me now. we went through hell to get here, and is still rough. we have a small place in FL and we need to pare down our stuff so we can move about in the house. we went through rain and nearly wreck the truck to get down here. i pulled off and almost jackknife the truck that was pulling the car dolley. i do not recommend doing this any time in your life. at least not from KY to FL. it was raining pretty much the whole way. and then the car had to be taken off due to me, and then the dolly was not secured and then all hell broke out. lucky us. we survived and i hope to we can make it through anything now.

well anyway, another day down here. and i am ok, so far. not doing too much at night. not really looking for anybody. i am in love with miss j, and want her to move down here. i think it has something to do with my HIV. it makes life a little complicated, as you can image. well gtg. back to work. struggle through another weekend down here, peace and love, capt.

1 more week down in florida. not sure if i am going to make it or not. today is not too bad. although i am worried about my lady love up north now. not sure what is going up there any more. i have an appointment with a realtor tomorrow. still looks like i am going forward with the house at least. kinda scary for me. still not sure what i want. except for miss j to come down and join me ASAP. i am still lonely as hell at night. and then some during the day. try to fill my day up with work. and that is not too bad. we are building our customer database. a lot of data entry now. check out our website at www.yourbestroof.com. then you can see what kinda of roofing company i am working with. no black tar, in this state. it would be way to hot for that.

all i know is that i walked out on the lady i love, and came down here for some reason or another. i am hoping we stay together and work this out. she is the best woman i have been with in a long time. if ever. i now know why she is pissed off at me. she sounds good today on the phone and says she will come down here again. i am hoping she does. all i know is that my life sux with out her here and in my life. with her having a plane ticket at least i know she is coming down soon. gives me something to live for. well gtg for now. she did meet the family and is still willing to come back down. lol.. peace and love to all. capt.

capt. log, life sux. i am trying to get by with out my lady love. she went back to louisyville yesterday and i am of course miserable. i almost lost it last nite. what was i thinking about when i said i would move down here???? well things are some what better today. got another plane ticket for miss j. she will be back on the 10th of april. and we are going to continue this until we get a house. i did get approval for loan this week. now just finding 1 with all the parameters for FHA loan. well who knows.

ok, so here i am again. wanted to report my blood work details. my viral load was at 66ml. at this was given at the end of my "on" week. actually it was given on the very next day. so my virus is rebounding within 12 hours of being off drugs. but it is responding still to the meds. my viral load in december was 256. and that was at the end of my "off" week. so the good doc told me to give at the end of my "on" week. since i was given for my lipid panel i had to give while i was fasting. so i forgot about that had had to wait 1 day to give. so that is why it was done on wednesday. and my tcells are the highest they have ever been at 681. with all this turmoil in my life, i thought for sure that my blood work would be whack out. but it wasn't. 1 less thing to worry about.

my love of my life is coming down to tomorrow. yippee. to save me from my loneliness. yippee. miss j should be arriving on a plane tomorrow afternoon. thank god. until she is here, i will not believe.

work is going alright. i am still new to it, so it is alright. as you can image. you know the feeling of the new job and all. well until next time. my mood is some what better, since i know my love is coming tomorrow. so i have something to live for. lol. peace and love, capt.

i have to have faith that it will all work out in the end. but if am not happy, it seems to be my call then, right? who is to say where i should go from here. ?? and what i need to do. ? i think i jump ship to early in louisville. and nothing will ever feel right again.? that would suck really...well stay tuned. i am outta here now. p/l capt.

still have not seen my last blood work. not sure i want to. it might be bad, which i feel it will be. then that will be something else to worry about. people move out of state and out of town every day in this world. i am just not sure why i can not accept it and go on with life. i am fricking extremely lonely down here. and yes i got family all around me. but i am used to dealing with out them. so i am not sure what the hell i am going to do. well that is enough belly aching for now. peace and love to all and keep me in your prayers. capt.

well i am back to report in. and life is shitty right now. i am down in florida and trying to go on with my life. i am with out miss j. which does not help. i am lonely as shit and just working. i have no social life at this point. and i know it has only been 1 week, but i miss my life in louisville. already. i am going to try to stick this out for a month, if i do not commit suicide in the interim. lol. zoe's bday is tomorrow and not sure how i will feel then. but if today is any measure, i am going to be crying all damn day.

will end for now. not much else going on. waiting for blood results that i gave last week. might have to get those faxed to me. p/l. capt.

hoping the CARDS will come through for me while i am away. that way i am sure to miss the hoopla. not much else is going on. me and the new woman have kinda split up. wuz hoping to take her with me. but we have a lifestyle difference. so it is best that we split now...we rushed into things anyway. and i still do not know what i want from life. maybe a MLS in florida. tampa has a good school for that. i have heard through the grapevine.

will still be wearing RED, of course