capt checking in...one more session on the couch.... i am doing alright. been a long weekend with miss j gone now. she moved into a shelter for women over the weekend. a clean environment. i am still at awe about the decision. and from talkin with her today, it sounds like she is going to be there for some time now. i am still confused about the situation. i am going to go on with life. on the outside. she drops in daily to walk or feed the kids. i have been otherwise alright. my family has been there for me. and they have been keeping me busy. going to try to stay busy for the next couple of weeks.

looking to get this month over with. have some friends from the north coming down next month. hoping to see them.

i am rebounding and now making my 5th "NEW" beginning in the last 8 months. 1-without zoe, 2-with miss j in ky. 3-me in florida w/out miss j. 4-me in FL. w/miss j. 5-me in FL. w/out miss j. stay tuned.

need to get some regularity in my life. hoping this year would be 1 of the best. still awaiting word about that. naw i should be alright now. i have a new outlook to live with now. going to make the most of it this time. my new subconscious book will be helping me out. i am repeating the phrase "she loves me and she will return to me." in my head. will be doing this throughout the months to come.

i am going to a AIDS dinner tomorrow nite. if they still have it and i can make it over there. it is in st. pete. almost like the buddy dinner up north.

well gtg. just a quick note to say hello. my heart is almost getting colder as time goes on. i am really hoping me and miss j can work things out. peace and love to all. capt.

another session on the couch. i am doing alright today. i have my moments. have not been sleeping well since i was released from the pysch ward on tuesday. miss j is still not sure if she is going to hang out with me any more or not. it seems my actions are what actually pushed her away. will i ever learn. we are still takin it day to day. i am at a loss for words. i know i will survive losing her, if she decides to go...but life would be so much happier with her in my life. she brightens up the room when she walks in. when i wake up all i can do is look at watch her sleep. i can actually spend hours on end watching her sleep. she is a work of art. i can only hope that she sticks by me during this time. wondering if the florida thing should be canceled...still not sure.


i did have some insight into my problems yesterday. i took care of zoe for so long that i am kind of person that needs to be wanted, or needed. and with miss j, she is so independent...real 21century woman...and i am just not used to having my partner like that. it is a new world all together.

finding bruises and cuts all over me from the incident. i fell like all over the house. exposed miss j to my blood, which really was not good.

well i do start counseling next week. will see how that goes. it is at the HIV clinic. not much else to report on. takin it day to day for now. love and peace to all. capt.

i know again that my actions were very harmful to miss j, and kids (grace and maxwell-dogs) due to the blood. it freaked the hell outta miss j, and she still is tramatized over it. i may have just pushed her out the door with this act. i will get over it 1 day. i am going to get counseling and try to join a gym. i am going to work on getting out of the house more and get back into the swing of life. it will not be hard, but i am here to stay now. thank you for listening. peace and love, capt.

well where to begin at...over the weekend i tried to commit
suicide. it was a not a nice scene. i swallowed a bottle of xanax and temezpam. miss j found me when she got off work. there was blood everywhere, due to me falling down. i have stiches in both eyebrows. i have been on 1 roller coaster it would seem down here. this is all too much for me to take at times. it was a call for help and i should have known better. i am ashamed and promise to never attempt this again. been feeling like i may be losing miss j, and that would be the worse. she has told me repeatly that she is not going anywhere. and i hope she does not. we have been through some rough times down here, but we have each other and i got my family down here. going to be spending more time with them over the next months or so. i am convince to make this work down here. i have given up my prescriptions to the 2 mentioned drugs. i have been on them for like 10 years. since i lost my brother to AIDS, 10/13/94. i now know it takes myself to be happy. and i am learning that slowly. i apologize to all that love me and know that i am in your prayers.

well another slow day at the office. today i feel like moving back north. i don't think this florida thang is working out. miss j did start a job this week. not sure if she really likes it or not. if she not happy i am not happy. and it has been like 2 months and it aint getting any easier...that is for sure. cost of living is frickin high down here. and the weather is not even summer time hot yet. sun shining all the time. i know now why it is called the sunshine state. drive every morning to work staring at the sun. i guess we need to stay until at least the end of july. got tickets to see dave mathews down here in july. so i won't miss that show. that was my only new year's resolution this year, was to see Dave. not sure what i had in mind when i said or made the decision to come down here, but it just does not feel right. just yet. maybe some day. i will check in next week. maybe i will be in a better mood then. peace and love to all.capt.

checkin again. i should really edit these before i post them. could not hardly understand my last post. well life goes on. not like i am writing for a pulitizer or anything. just to vent. my life down here is still day by day, shitty. not sure if miss j wants me in her life or not. been getting some vibes that i don't like. she started a new job yesterday. so she is gone now in the evening. leaves me alone in the evening. but it should be for the better, in the long run. i feel i would be lost with out her. as mentioned before. not sure where life is taking me now. my health feels like it is under stress, or over stressed. my neuropathy is really bad at nite. hard to keep my shoes on all day. my soles of my feet feel like they are in fire. i would hate to admit it that i can not really work. but that is not true. i can do some work and the price of living in florida is way higher than louisville. so i must continue to sweat it out. well going to go for now. peace and love to all.capt.

and there are moments and songs and other memories that come racing back to me to remind me of zoe. and i miss her at times. i am trying to go on with life. i am thinking that she sent miss j to me, because she knew how damn lonely i would be with out her. i miss going to the cemetary up north. no one to take the gang any flowers now. and i did not get to see her heastone. it should be installed soon, i am thinking. i just my life to be happy again. i am extremely happy with miss j. i just need to settle down and take it day by day. it has been rough. not the finest year in my life. and am still hoping to go too soon??? one would suspect. but i gave my life to zoe, is it not too much to ask that i be happy again? like what is happiness? who knows. we all have out barometer for that. and i am makeing some money. but i do not want to pursue money if i am never happy... still feel that this will work out 1 day.

went to the beach the other day, or before miss j came down here. i was of course, by myself on a crowded beach. but still all alone. loneliness is a killer. so i am once again trying to find my footing in this world. i am hoping to marry miss j. but we have only briefly discussed this. so stay tuned. i hope to be on here a little more. still no email at home yet. and the office PC's are only connected by 1 pc. so we share that 1.. . peace and love to all. and say a prayer for me. capt signing off for now.

so here i am again. sitting at work, with not much work to be done. we have moved the office of the business. i moved 1000 miles from home to help move a company. no fun. we are settling in though. i am kinda in good mood today. miss j and i are still together. she has a job interview down here. would be the 2nd one she has had. not with the same company though. she is kinda going stir crazy at home all the time. she needs to get out more, and this job would fit her real well. i am totally crazy about her. i have these anxiety attacks as of late. only happened when i moved down here and was with out her in my life. my heart would race and my stomach would get all upset. almost felt like puking. i still get them but not as frequently now. i would hate the fact of losing miss j in my life. i think i dwell on that too much. she has told me over and over again that she is with me and does not want to see anybody else. last nite we were talking and she mentioned why are we down here??? and i was kinda like....to survive. we needed to build a better life for ourselves. and the florida move should do just that. yesterday marked my 2 months down here. still not getting any easier though. some what. the best part of my day is going home to miss j. she is the hilite of my life. she came into my life at a very dark hour, and i feel truly that she was sent to me, or we bumped into each other at the rite time. and yes i miss zoe that is natural. as i am told.

today is kinda slow in the office. it is the most work i have done on derby eve, since forever. it is derby eve back home, as you all reading this probably already know. so i have been told i can leave the office around 3 or so. after we get supplies in. not much else going on down here. i am sick and tired of being sad though. this i do know. and i fuckin miserable down here. like i said, maybe i am looking to be happy too soon. just don't have the patience anymore. and i am hoping maybe 1 day it will get easier. who knows. well anyway. i am signing off for now. willl check back in next week. no internet access at home yet. so i am doing this all from the office. much peace and love, capt.

another session on the couch. that is what i should have called my blog. yesterday went to the permit office for work down here and did not have my paperwork in order. so i cried. i have been doing a lot of that lately. crying over the little of things. i am spent it feels like. all the manly men in the permit office and here i am, somewhat grown man, crying over my paper work. the guy helping me as been known to be an asshole but he saw my eyes welling up and i think he back down from being an asshole. i went back today to clear it up and had another hour session with him. a lot of details to get the permits out so that we can install the roofs down here. and i do not know the process just yet. it was not a good day. only thing that saved me was being able to go home to miss j's arms. and she is not doing the best. or well. she is fighting with her own loneliness down here. since she has no one except me and my family. and she does not know my family as well, just yet. but they all love her, and i know it is only a matter of time. maybe i am looking to be happy too soon after losing my wife. not sure.

so i am working like 40 hours a week and have not had a job since may of 1998. almost 6 years of doing nothing, but taken care of my deceased wife. will ever learn to live again????? does not help that i am listening to sheryl crow, who kinda sings the blues on this CD. and i have the blues badly today. anyway. well not much else to report on. i see the doc again down here next week and will get my blood results back also. maybe i need a vacation already. lol. it has only been 6 weeks down here at work, and i was hoping that it would get easier as time went on, and maybe it will. just not today. well enough of feeling sorry for myself. i will sign off for now. peace and love, capt.

watched the 6th sense movie this week and of course reminded me of zoe, and how i miss her. and it was on my brother bday. so that did not help either. i feel like i have had so many loses in my life, and i fuckin tired of it. or maybe i am just plain tired. who knows. and me and miss j are still engaged, but we have not set a date and she has not even bought it up. so i have this small notion in my head, or should i say fear, that she does not really want to marry me. and with this fuckin disease, i feel like i would not get anybody else. i know that is not true, or at least tell myself that. but it is a deep seated feeling in my head. i know others with HIV get dates and meet others that are not infected. but not me. i am shy kinda guy and am not that aggressive when it comes to asking women out. so i feel if i lose miss j, i am destine to have a life of loneliness. my uncle who died in may of 2001 was like a hermit. he had no or little social life. he lived in chicago and then came home to louisville his last 4 years of his life. well i feel like i would be destined to live like that. but these are not constant thoughts in my head. just today. and maybe it is because it is derby week. and that does not help with the home sickness. who knows any more. not me.

back again. not doing too well today. not sure how many people may be reading this or so. and i have not been on here for awhile. feeling some what homesick or just plain lonely today. i am at work. no internet at home yet. i got to work early today. and me and miss j are doing alright. just not settled in down here yet. i hate the fact that i came down here to chase money. i hate the fact that this world revolves so much around money. i know it is only my attitude, or perception. but i was tired of living on disability so i thought i would come down here and work for my sis and get a real life. but it just aint happening yet. yes i do have some cabbage in the bank, but life is more than just a damn paycheck. or at least it should be. i still do not know what i want to be when i grow up. lol. maybe it will get easier down here, so day.

so i wanted to get on here today at work, of course and let others know. who ever may be reading this or so. if anybody still does up north. the last day or so, i have had zoe on my mind a lot. and do not want to rush things. so i think it would be wise to get married next february. we would know each other more by then. i miss zoe and know i will always have my memories with her. miss j knows about her and i can openly talk about her with miss j. so stay tuned. the family down here is quite excited as well as they should be. and i am as well. my heart still pounds very hard when she walks into the room. and feel that this is the best for both of us. it was a spur of the moment proposal. i like to do things that way. carpe diem. my moto. well gtg. love and peace to all. i would like to hope that everyone can find their soul mate in this life. it is too short to be lonely. c ya. capt.

well i am back. after 1 week in hell last week. me and my lady are settling down real nice. we have a lot of work to do on the cottage house we are renting. i am doing better some what emotionally. i am very very happy to have miss j down here with me. and now for the big news, i proposed to her yesterday. and she said yes. yippee. we are going to set the date maybe for next year on valentine day. thought that would be a nice day to get hitched again. i had told some people that i would never do that again, but at that point i did not know i would meet some one as beautiful and lovely, and vibrant and outgoing and just a real joy to be around as miss j. so you should never say never. i am very much in love with her, and i feel she is very much in love with me. we have worked out most of our problems that we both had up north. and are doing very well.

it was just a long trip. i am now back at work, and we are settling in. she is lonely down here, and i really did not think about that. she hopes to be working in a month or so. we (or I) told her she should take some time off down here and some rest. well gtg. all is well now i got my little lady here. peace and love, capt.

back on here after a disastrous trip up north to bring down my love of my life. i got my girl here with me now. we went through hell to get here, and is still rough. we have a small place in FL and we need to pare down our stuff so we can move about in the house. we went through rain and nearly wreck the truck to get down here. i pulled off and almost jackknife the truck that was pulling the car dolley. i do not recommend doing this any time in your life. at least not from KY to FL. it was raining pretty much the whole way. and then the car had to be taken off due to me, and then the dolly was not secured and then all hell broke out. lucky us. we survived and i hope to we can make it through anything now.

well anyway, another day down here. and i am ok, so far. not doing too much at night. not really looking for anybody. i am in love with miss j, and want her to move down here. i think it has something to do with my HIV. it makes life a little complicated, as you can image. well gtg. back to work. struggle through another weekend down here, peace and love, capt.

1 more week down in florida. not sure if i am going to make it or not. today is not too bad. although i am worried about my lady love up north now. not sure what is going up there any more. i have an appointment with a realtor tomorrow. still looks like i am going forward with the house at least. kinda scary for me. still not sure what i want. except for miss j to come down and join me ASAP. i am still lonely as hell at night. and then some during the day. try to fill my day up with work. and that is not too bad. we are building our customer database. a lot of data entry now. check out our website at www.yourbestroof.com. then you can see what kinda of roofing company i am working with. no black tar, in this state. it would be way to hot for that.

all i know is that i walked out on the lady i love, and came down here for some reason or another. i am hoping we stay together and work this out. she is the best woman i have been with in a long time. if ever. i now know why she is pissed off at me. she sounds good today on the phone and says she will come down here again. i am hoping she does. all i know is that my life sux with out her here and in my life. with her having a plane ticket at least i know she is coming down soon. gives me something to live for. well gtg for now. she did meet the family and is still willing to come back down. lol.. peace and love to all. capt.