well i am still here. i have not had much to say on the happy side, so i have not been on here for awhile. i have been busy with the kerry campaign. doing some work for the PAC moveon.org. i am a precinct leader and doing a lot of canvassing, trying to get the kerry vote out. we need to send bush back to texas. please america, hear me now!!!!!

well not much else happening. i actually have a blind date tonight. and i have never been on one of those before. so it should be interesting. we are meeting at a nice place on the water. stay tuned. i will let you all know how it goes. i am not putting too much stock into though. dont want to be let down if it turns out to be a disaster. you know me and my attitude. lol. i am kinda nervous, since it has been years i have been on a real date. hopefully it will go swimmingly.

well and the weather down here is nice and sunny. it does not feel like october. i dont think i have been able to wear shorts in october before. surely does not feel like halloween time. this might take a couple of years to get used to that.

as for miss j, well she has moved on, and i do not know where she is in this city. no phone number or address for her. i am sure the family is happy about that, but i still had some little hope left in me for us. ugh. well onward and upward.....!!!

it will soon be 1 year with out zoe. can you beleive it. i miss her still. and i am still in counseling. so i am doing what i can to be healthy, or at least in my mind. but there are times when the song on the radio hits me and i break down and cry. i wonder if i should be with anybody these days? i know the loneliness is getting easier. i dont mind it as much. but it is still there.

well i am off. love you all. capt vernon.

it has been about 2 weeks since i have been on here. well nothing new to report really. i have been up and down. last week was kinda hard for some reason or another. it was kevin 10 year anniversary and i know that can only mean that miss zoe's 1 year is not far off. has it been that long? it seems like yesterday. but only the calendar knows that it has been 1 year. you know i have that last night in my mind so vividly. and i try to recall our last conversation we had. and you know i can not for the life of me remember that. it might have been when hospice came in for the intake interview. after that she was not really herself. i guess she sensed that the end was really there and she tried to keep me from thinking about it. you know it just came to me like that. she was trying to protect me. can you image that, as she laid there dying she was still thinking of me. she was that kind of person. and i miss her. she is still in my heart and soul. i must go on. and you know there are days when i feel that i may never be happy again. is that not absurd or what? surely i will find happiness again, where i do not know. but then that is life. if we knew all, it would not be worth living for. right? when you are a kid and you wish for christmas to be here. and you hear you parents or another elder tell you "don't wish your life away" . well that is so true now a days. i wish only that i could talk to her 1 more time. do you think she knows how i feel? i hope so. i know she is in a better place and out of pain. only if i could find a place with no pain. then i will be happy... we hope or wish.

well rev vern signing off for now. i mite be back soon. peace and love to all.

well another week has started and i am actually in a good mood tonite. i got my house to myself and i kinda like it. i can watch whatever the fuck i want to on TV. what freedom. and i can eat whatever i want to as well. again what freedom. taking this freedom thing too far. lol. well wanted to report that i am in a good mood tonite and thought that i would share this with whom ever maybe reading this. also get and vote soon. and vote for KERRY. we need W outta there. asap. thank you for tuning in tonite. peace and love, doormat.

well another week has started and i am actually in a good mood tonite. i got my house to myself and i kinda like it. i can watch whatever the fuck i want to on TV. what freedom. and i can eat whatever i want to as well. again what freedom. taking this freedom thing too far. lol. well wanted to report that i am in a good mood tonite and thought that i would share this with whom ever maybe reading this. also get and vote soon. and vote for KERRY. we need W outta there. asap. thank you for tuning in tonite. peace and love, doormat.

alone again. my new nickname will be doormat. it seems that i like to be stepped on by people who i want to trust. i just kicked out my new roommate after he did not have any money for the 2nd week. i wanted to believe that he would come up with the money some how, and after he told me that his brother was going to send some money to him. well he did not and i had to take the harsh actions of kicking him out. am i too nice? or just naive? i don't know. so now with him and then miss j earlier in the year, i have no trust for other people. people are ruthless until they act otherwise. just the opposite of being innocent until proven otherwise. like the law. but i know that i need and will meet some people down here that have a nice heart. somewhere. and also my neighbor down here also owes me money, since july. so i am going to have to harden my soul or something. try to live for myself and no one else. and look out for myself and no one else. that just seems to be a harsh way to live life. but i am learning each day if one is to survive that i need to take this attitude towards others. it also may be the crowd i am hanging with. so i am going to start anew again this week. let's see i think that is like the umpteenth time this year i have started over again. or at least it feels that way. again i find myself feeling empty inside. and i have no one else to blame except for myself. another hard lesson to learn. let's just hope that i can learn from this and not trust another fuckin soul down here. lol. if only it was that easy. well capt doormat signing off. peace and love to all. one day maybe that love and peace will come back to me.

alone again. my new nickname will be doormat. it seems that i like to be stepped on by people who i want to trust. i just kicked out my new roommate after he did not have any money for the 2nd week. i wanted to believe that he would come up with the money some how, and after he told me that his brother was going to send some money to him. well he did not and i had to take the harsh actions of kicking him out. am i too nice? or just naive? i don't know. so now with him and then miss j earlier in the year, i have no trust for other people. people are ruthless until they act otherwise. just the opposite of being innocent until proven otherwise. like the law. but i know that i need and will meet some people down here that have a nice heart. somewhere. and also my neighbor down here also owes me money, since july. so i am going to have to harden my soul or something. try to live for myself and no one else. and look out for myself and no one else. that just seems to be a harsh way to live life. but i am learning each day if one is to survive that i need to take this attitude towards others. it also may be the crowd i am hanging with. so i am going to start anew again this week. let's see i think that is like the umpteenth time this year i have started over again. or at least it feels that way. again i find myself feeling empty inside. and i have no one else to blame except for myself. another hard lesson to learn. let's just hope that i can learn from this and not trust another fuckin soul down here. lol. if only it was that easy. well capt doormat signing off. peace and love to all. one day maybe that love and peace will come back to me.

here is another poem for the masses. hope you like this one too. i am working through my grief with poetry. a talent i did not know i possessed. until recently. i have a lot of time on my hands and so i go over these in my head. and try to put the words together before putting them down on paper, or into the pc. this one is for zoe.

I miss

I miss those carefree days of yesteryears

When all we had was each other

i miss her sweet smell

i miss her blue eyes

i miss conversations with her that made no sense

i miss walks in the park with her

those late nite ice runs

i miss the color of fall leaves and walks in the park with my sweetie

i miss the art shows

and one can not forget endless weekends spent at the flea markets

where she would always get gifts that she never sent to whom they were

intended to go to

and those weekends mornings where I would awake to find the zoester gone
but I always knew she was out at the yard sales where she would be gone

for 8 hours or more

where she would bring home more shit than our house could hold

I miss the many live bands we saw, where she would always want to get

closer and want to get an autograph

There is more than once she was successful at that task

i miss those late nite chinese runs

i miss those endless doctors appointment

i miss the pill bottles

i miss all the things i used to bitch about

if only i had more time with her

I miss her many trips to the ER where she would always rebound and we

all thought she would rebound from this last time,

She over came so much in her life.

Even she did not want to believe that she was dying

Telling friends about her last stay in the hospital was due to the heat

of the summer and food poisoning from a bad lobster

now I will live with her spirit of life and she will always be with me

in my heart

but most of all i miss my wife


i hated english in high school and college. so i never thought i would be writing poetry. but it may help with my feelings. it is also another release. the next one i write will be for some one that is living or maybe about a thing or so. not necessary for anybody. maybe. although i need to write one for the jerrmeister. uncle jerry for those out there not in the know. zoe and kevin and uncle jerry all buried at cavehill. we have 4 plots and i am the last one living. and this past weekend and before i left for the sunshine state i paid them a visit and it was no fun. it was really hard and especially this past weekend. i did not know how i would take seeing zoe's headstone. but it took me back. seeing her name in that stone. it was a heavy trip. to say the least. i have had her on my mind all week long. my counselor said it is good that i got the first visit back home over. so maybe next time it will be easier. i am hoping. not sure when i will get up there again though.

well anyway. we have a weekend down here with out a hurricane. not sure how people will take that. lol. it has been one wild ass hurricane season. to say the least. well peace and love to all. rev. vernon.

well i am back from lousyville. it was a nice trip overall. but it was quite hard at times when i saw zoe's stone. that took me back. it was hard to sit with her and see her name in stone. it was harder than i imaged it would be. i sat with her for about 1/2 hour each time i was alone with her. on sunday and then again on tuesday. almost put me back to where i was before counseling. but i will get on with my life down here in florida. it was nice to see old friends and they were surprised to see me as well. not everyone knew i was coming up. so i was able to surprise quite a few people. but it is nice to be back home again. i feel that florida is more and more my home. so that is good thing. it was weird visiting lousyville and see how all my friends have thier own lives and they did not stop when i came down here. so it was more and more like i made the right decision. the city has too many memories for me. it would not be good to go back there to live, if i ever do. it will be some years from now.

well here i am again. not much happening. except getting ready to go north for a brief visit. i will be leaving this friday a.m. for a 4 day weekend in lousyville. looking forward to it, with some caution. i think it will be hard to see zoe's headstone and the others at cavehill. will be having a lot of emotions flooding into me. i am hoping that this will be one more part of my grief that will help me heal from that loss. i am not sure who i mite see up there. if anybody is interested in seeing me. kinda think i will be let down from the reception. but life does go on.

not much else happening down here. i am kinda feeling some what blue today. not sure why. i think again it is due to miss j. i have left her messages and she still does not call me. would it be so bad to have her call me back? would this bring her down or what? i do not think she has much consideration for her fellow humans on this planet. i am still not over her, 100%. one day this will be behind me. i am hoping.

i am still going to the Y. and then i am out to try to sell some more roofs tomorrow. i have sold like 5 in the last month. just waiting to get them installed so i can get paid for them. then i will be a little happier. money cant buy happiness, but it makes life a little easier that is for sure.

well enough from me now. gtg fix some dinner, peace and love to all. vernon.

well where to begin at. it has been a little while since i have checked in. so i am for sure going to louisville the weekend of sept 24th. we will see who is happy to see me there. and who might show up at wicks pizza next friday. i am hoping to see as most of the people that i would like to. i am for sure going to see zoe's head stone. i am also hoping that that will be some sort of closing ceremony for me. or at least some help with the closing of that part of my grief. i am still missing her like crazy some days. i will be out in the car, traveling with myself and a song will play on the radio and the tears start falling. i am thinking that this is normal for missing a spouse.

i also look forward to being in town while the cards are playing fball. i can at least catch the game on tv up there. and then the aids walk is going on that sunday, so i will take part in that as well.

other news, well i sold a roof this week. yippee. makes for my 5th roof to be sold. now just waiting for installation so i can get my commission. work is going pretty well. as you can image with all the hurricanes we have been having. and of course the family blames me for the all the hurricanes. did not think i would see 1 this summer, let alone 3 of them. but it is good for the roofing business. not good for mobile homes.

what else is happening. not much of anything else. plodding through life and getting on with living.

much peace and love to all. vernon.

well another week about to come to a close. not much happening this week, except we are expecting another damn hurricane this monday. i can not beleive it. it is good for the roofing business at least. that is all i have to say about that. would hate to think that i am going to meet my death in one and join zoe. that would be terrible. going to be staying home so far. it is too far out there for them to make any real predictions about it. so stay tuned. and last weekend we had hurricane frances, and that is all you get on the local tv stations. hurricane coverage. just like when 9/11 happened. me and zoe got sick and tired of looking at dan rather, so we changed my social security number and were able to order cable. thank god. and i just got more cable down here for the cardinals football season. and i was able to watch them kick uofk ass last weekend and did not lose power. like the rest of florida. the cable blink like twice but came right back up, and this was during the game. i was like noooooo, but it came right back up.

well i am still looking at going to lousyville for the aids walk at the end of this month. so look out and i will keep you all posted. was thinking of having people, whoever that may be, to meet me at wicks pizza. going to get a pizza and some green chili wontons at the bristol. besides the people that is all i miss from lousyville.

well gtg for now. peace and love to all. vernon.

well i made it through another hurricane. here i am down here for 6 months and i have already weathered 2 hurricanes. today or this weekend's edition of storms of summer of 2004 was one big ass storm. they evacuated the whole east coast of florida. it was billed as the biggest evac in florida history. glad i was here to see that. i would have hated to be in that traffic for sure.

well as for me, well i am getting through another day. the cards at least won today. big time. like 35 to zip. take that wildcats. lol. and i had a pot of chili and a tail gate party of 1. lol. big time crowd. was a long line for the bathroom at half time. lol. still yelled at the tv. of course. i had to do that. would not have been the same with out that. and of course i am a little hoarse from that. i had lost my voice, as usual last weekend when big sis was here. i think i lost it then due to all the talking i did. i did not get drunk and i don't think i have a cold. so it must have been all the talking i did.

did talk to O.H. tonite. she is having a rough time. i wish i could reach through the phone and give her a big ol hug. she needs one. some of her friends have abandon her. well it seems like they have. so i will call her daily and try to cheer her up. one needs to keep a positive attitude in this life. i should know by now. i have read like 3 books over the summer about grief and the person's attitude. the average person has like 50,000 thoughts in a day. so you need to keep those thoughts positive. or it will drag you down. for sure. and on that topic i saw miss j this weekend. she came by to give me her key. then i called her after she left. i wrote her a poem and she told me that it was foolish of me to think that we would ever get back together. and stinger to my heart. but she has been gone now for like 3 months and i need to go on. that is for sure, as well. it is hard some times, but again i think i am getting stronger each day. and i hope to be going to louisville this month. to see zoe's headstone. i mentioned this to miss j and she said, "who headstone"? duh. mark her down as an experience that it was.

well enough about her. maybe this will be the last mention of her on this blog. she does not deserve any more thoughts from me, or any more typed words on this blog. so slap me if i mention her again. lol. if you can.

i have been writing another poem. this one is for kevin. my brother. i am trying to write a little more now since i have some time on my hands. he has been gone now for 10 years. does not seem like that long. but i miss him at times. next poem will be for the zoester. these are not going to be short poems, i am finding. i write some then leave them and come back to them. (one more mentioned of miss j. she told me that i should write more, she liked the poem i wrote her.) and my counselor mentioned to me, or asked me if i was poet. i was like no. it was when i said that the loneliness of my house hangs from the wall. and it does, but the hanging is getting shorter with each day. i am going to make it. and i am going to make it down here. i am determined to.

well enough for tonite, i think. peace and love to all. vernon

another weekend another hurricane. i am now riding out another hurricane down here in florida. i did not think i would see 1 hurricane my first summer down here, much less 2. and now there is even another one out in the atlantic. i am going to be alright in the house, just hope that i do not lose power.

besides the weather i am cooking some chili since it is the start of the football season for the cardinals. i am looking forward to the game. i ordered cable and got it installed yesterday just in time for the game today. now i pray that i do not lose power. not much else going on. i did see miss j on friday. she came by to give me my key to the house back. she might be moving back north in november. who knows. she told me not to expect to see her any more. life does go on.

i am doing alright. a little bored in the house all weekend. but i do have some cable to watch. and i have the storm coverage on and off. nothing is open down here at all. kinda like a ghost town. i think i will go out later and do some looting. lol. not really. i will check in with you all later. love and peace to all. vernon.

another weekend and another hurricane. this state has not been hit by 2 hurricanes for decades. that is until i got down here. lol. i am doing better today. getting ready to weather out the weekend. planning on doing some cooking this weekend. going to make a pot of chili for the uofl game on sunday. then i might make a cake and then a hasbrown caserole. keep me busy hopefully. had lunch today at hooters, and as usual tried to pick up my waitress. lol. stay tuned. told her she should evacuate to my house for the hurricane. lol.

other than that, i am trying to be in a better mood. i am a great guy and great catch for the next woman in my life. there is nothing wrong with me. i cook, i clean, sometimes, and i treat women like they are gold. so some day my princess will arrive. i will keep you all posted. but before that happens, i am going to enjoy living with myself and do what i want to do, and then make myself happy. i will check in over the weekend. probably during the storm, again.

peace and love to all. vernon

here i sit with out my shit. lol. i am slowly turning into a poet. i am quite lonely tonite. some times it is a crushing hurt deep inside. i know that it will get easier one day. just seems like it is forever to get to that point. i feel that i will be okay one day and my life could be worse. but i am just living in this present moment. i almost feel as if i have lost all my dreams of yesterday. my counselor asked me about 2 weeks ago where do i see myself in 5 years. i could not picture it. it took me some time to come up with anything to say. it is now sept 1 and i am glad august is over. the summer is about over to. that is for folks up north. i am now living in the land where summer is always in season. i will see what the winter will bring.

i am waiting to see that game this weekend. and i am glad it is on espn. i went on the uofl site today or yesterday and almost cried. i do not think that if i was back up north things would be any easier. i must continue to plod on.

well enough of this sadness for tonight. peace and love to all. vernon.

well it does not seem like it has been a week since i have been on here, but it looks like it has.

well the week was busy one. i ran a lot of permits for the hurricane area down south. put like 150 miles on car, each day. but had a good paycheck. biggest one in my working career, but now it is gone with the bills.

feeling very emotional tonite. i sent a poem to miss j. but still feel like she will not be back to me. ever. feeling lost tonite. and i dont know why. my sis wuz down for last nite and we cried a lot together. she is having rough time with her divorce. so we are both going through life changes at the same time.

i get stronger each day, then i take 2 steps back, it feels at time.

i did sell a roof last week. can actually say i am a salesman now.

have not to the gym lately either. maybe i am needing that. besides some company. or a woman. lol.

well not in the mood to share much tonite. i will keep this short. i am still here and kicking. been playing a little more on microsoft zone game site. makes me feel like i have some one to talk to.

much love and peace to all. vernon.

something else to share with whoever is reading this. this is a poem that I wrote my last semester in class. it was a history of New York city and the beatnik generation. how could you not take this class. well we had to write a poem for our last assignment and this is the one that i wrote. not the best poetry, but i have begun to write a little more. actually i have one going for miss j. maybe one day i will share that one. but for now, here is the original one from vernon.


I aint no poet


I stand before you today with a poem to read.

Big deal you reply, we have been listening to poetry all this

Semester.

What will one more poem mean.

Well in this case it means a lot to me.

You see I aint no poet, but yet still I claim to have one for you

today.

This poem is my little window into my soul

I consider poetry a window into the writers soul and very much admire

Anybody that can write poetry so I shall attempt to open my window to

You today

In this class we have listen to jazz, heard the blues, and examine the

Past through some of this century’s greatest writers,

And it was here in this class that I heard kerouac claim to be a great

Poet one must first know misery

Well this poem is about my personal misery and how I should be regarded

As one of the greatest poets around,

Or at least for myself my misery is mine and not yours.

This brings up the question of whose scales do we use to measure this m

Misery?

Yes I know misery but I aint no poet

Who is to say that one’s pain is deeper or bigger than anothers?

Who would want that job?

Some of my misery is imbedded in the loss of my dad when I was 17 my

Dad died from an instant heart attack afters years of alcohol abuse

Then in 1994 I lost my brother to AIDS. He was not onjly my brother

But also my best friend. So I know misery, sometimes as a close friend

But I aint no poet

My brother introduced me to my wife, who happens to be dying of AIDS as

Well

We have had a good life together and continue to live for each day

Together

She was recently put into a nursing home, so now I go home alone

Yes I know misery, but I aint no poet

So here I stand before you today with my poem of misery only to tell

The class that I too am HIV positive, and now it seems that misery

Knocks at my door too often

Yes I know misery but I aint no poet

Like the beatniks looking for immortality, I too search for immortality

Only my immortality would be in the form of a cure and I don’t see that

Happening too soon

So I take ginsburg words to heart as I have heard before that you

Decide that if you die with AIDS or live with AIDS, and I chose to live

With AIDS

My motto now days being carpe diem and fuck the rest of the world

And now that my window is open will you open yours?

and as usual peace and love to all. the reverend vernon.

saw charley's destruction today. it was horrible. it made me feel that i am fortunate and that i do not live in that area. it was just terrible. i have seen tornado damage up north, but nothing like this. all the store fronts were damaged. no store was without. like going down dixie hiway and the store with signs in front all that was left was the frame of them. i mean all of the signs were not there. at the mcdonalds all you could see was the outline of the big M and nothing else. it was sad. it looked like down town bagdad, but you knew that mother nature did this. again it was quite a site. going back down there tomorrow. because it is good for business. they alway say that natural disaster are good for the economy, but bad for the people who live through it.

well enough from here tonite. peace and love to all. vernon

i was wondering if you all had the chance to view zoe's website lately. nothing new, but i will add the link here if you have not seen it, or would like to view it again. you can also email me at the bottom of the page, that email still works. or i am still checking it. her site address is www.angelfire.com/ky/zoezone. she was so proud of it. she did it all by herself, with a little help from yours truly, but she would not admit it. she sat in front of the pc for like 3 days and put it together. it was also mentioned one time in POZ for the cyber site of the month.

well i am off to plod through life so more. peace and love, vernon.

well what be happening. not much here. another monday here in florida. still running down into the hurricane area to get more permits. hurricanes are good for the roofing business. as you can image. not much else to report. i am still kinda lonely. getting some what used to being alone. the summer is coming to an end with labor day almost here. and i started the summer alone, and it looks like i will finish the summer alone. i went and saw the sunset last nite. and once again i was thinking of zoe and saw another rainbow. this one was most unique and that it went from 1 cloud to another cloud. never really came down to the earth, but was in the clouds. i have not seen one of those before. one more sign from the zoester letting me know that she is alright and that i will be alright, 1 day. i am working on my place and getting more and more what i want to decorate it like. again a new adventure, that i get to decorate how i want to. not like my girlfriend or wife would like it. i was alone a lot in my 20's but this time it is some what different. not sure why. maybe because i am an old fart with HIV. but who knows. i will continue with life down here. and i am hoping to get to lousyville next month for the AIDS walk. i am planning on coming up there, or would like to. i need to see zoe's headstone and feel that it will be a help to me with my grief issues.

i am also missing miss j as well. she came by over the weekend just to drop off some pictures she had got in her stuff by accident. she is doing alright. it was good to see her, brief as it was.

well enough from me tonite. i will check in later in the week. peace and love to all. vernon.