for some reason or so, i have grown bored with this concept. not really, just tired of bitching. home alone again for the 2000ths time. what else is new. last night i probably had the worse nite of flag football that i will ever live through. i was beaten, not once, not twice, but 3 times for a TD. it sucked. i am hoping to do better next week. this was the week that i said no one will score on me for the rest of this season. funny, that did not last long. lol.

not much else is new. did meet a young lady tonight at the grocery store. yes. i have seen this species before at the gym. but i actually introduced myself to her, and i was not drunk. it was after work, and those are the most soberest moments of the day. lol.

that was after i went and had my session with my counselor. it always kinda depresses me to talk about my doom and gloom with her. but i survived and do not see her until after the xmas.

and the life cycle goes on.

well signing off for now. maybe i will be back sooner than last time.

i am off all HIV drugs still. saw the doctor this week, but she did not take any blood. so who knows what the fuck my blood work is doing. DOH??? she is some what a bonehead. and it is hard for me to put my faith into her like that. but i am. and not living for the numbers, or that shit right now. kinda taken it easy with my HIV chit. so stay tuned. peace and love, rev. vernon.

well it has been 4 days since checking in. and last time i do not think that i mentioned that it is now official. i have my florida license plate. got in world aids day, dec 1. mine of course ran out in november from KY. i can now take my own plate and hang it on the wall.

i will no doubt be staying in florida. it is the best option for me right now. i feel. miss j, in case you are wondering moved back, well she moved back to lousyville. and has been back there for about 2 weeks or so. if not longer. i have little if any communication with her. life does go on.

i am kinda missing my zoe as well these days. she has been gone for a year and i still talk to her. you know there are these 3 sand herons that i see a lot by the office. and they are all the time, 3, only. so today i named them for our fallen heros in cavehill. zoe, kevin, and jerry. man i miss those kids. i guess it is the holidays and all.

not much else going on. still hanging in there like a hair in a biscuit.

much peace and love to all. vernon.

hello folks. nice sunday morning down south here. not much happening today. i am off to church, yes church. did you hear the thunder ??? i am off to church due to the fact that they are having a memorial service for persons lost to AIDS. due to the world AIDS day this week. i am also going to pray for myself. and to give me strength to go on. i am alright today. just a little lonely, as usual. i am also off to the drum circle today. i am doing my best to get out of the house and to meet others. i woke up this morning, to sunshine as usual down here. had some coffee. and talked to the cavehill gang. i sure do miss them all. i am trying to forgive myself for helping zoe transcend this world to the other. you know she wanted to die at home. i just wished we had talked about it more. i know she is in a better place now. i am just hoping that the guilt i feel will lessen as the days go on.

i am still off hiv drugs and hope i am doing alright.

i started playing flag football this week and think i brusied my collar bone or something in my shoulder. maybe i am too old to play this rough sport. but i am getting out of the house and meeting people this way. and i am still going to the gym and think i have a softball team to play on this coming february. met this guy at the gym and his team needs a shortstop, which i play. and softball should be easier on my bones. lol.

well gotta go. life is getting better, or the burden that i carry is getting easier to carry.

much love and peace to all. rev. vernon.

hello folks. nice sunday morning down south here. not much happening today. i am off to church, yes church. did you hear the thunder ??? i am off to church due to the fact that they are having a memorial service for persons lost to AIDS. due to the world AIDS day this week. i am also going to pray for myself. and to give me strength to go on. i am alright today. just a little lonely, as usual. i am also off to the drum circle today. i am doing my best to get out of the house and to meet others. i woke up this morning, to sunshine as usual down here. had some coffee. and talked to the cavehill gang. i sure do miss them all. i am trying to forgive myself for helping zoe transcend this world to the other. you know she wanted to die at home. i just wished we had talked about it more. i know she is in a better place now. i am just hoping that the guilt i feel will lessen as the days go on.

i am still off hiv drugs and hope i am doing alright.

i started playing flag football this week and think i brusied my collar bone or something in my shoulder. maybe i am too old to play this rough sport. but i am getting out of the house and meeting people this way. and i am still going to the gym and think i have a softball team to play on this coming february. met this guy at the gym and his team needs a shortstop, which i play. and softball should be easier on my bones. lol.

well gotta go. life is getting better, or the burden that i carry is getting easier to carry.

much love and peace to all. rev. vernon.

well today is sunday and that means a drum circle on seista key. i will be leaving here in about 2 hours. not much else is happening. not sure if i mentioned this last time or not. but i have been taken off hiv drugs due to the buildup of lactic acid in my blood. it can be fatal, but we caught it in time now. so i am off drugs for 6 months or until my blood dictates it time to get back onto therapy. my count was 20 when over 15 is 60% fatal. so i am doing well. in that regards.

i start playing football next week. it is a 4 on 4 flag football league. see if these old legs can still rumble. lol. we will see.

last wednesday nite, night before thanksgiving, i shot my ass off in pool. i could not be touched. i held the table for like 2 1/2 hours. i only lost 1 game during that time. cool.

well i am off to shower after the gym. hope all is well. peace and love to all. rev. vernon.

yes it has been some time since i have been on here. well i have made it through the 1st year without zoe. and i find myself still missing her. the book i am reading it mentioned that when you lose some one, it is also giving up that habit of that person in your life. so you have to give up that habit as well. well it has been hard to break that habit.

as for me. well i recently started playing on a 4 on 4 person flag football. so i am getting out of the house some more now. we practice on monday nite and then again on saturday a.m. the season starts on dec 1, world aids day. so i wont make it to any of the local remembrances of the day. i mite, we will have to see. there is this one lady that is in the local scene. we she looks just like zoe, if that is not bad enough. she is positive as well. so i have been trying to see her, anywhere i can.

as for now. well i am ok. about to burn dinner.

found out last week that miss j moved back up north. so that is definetly over with. what a bummer. as long as she was in town, i always held out hope. so now there is no hope. and i must go on life. i am doing just that.

well peace and love, rev. vernon.

i will be back here soon. i promise.

hello world. long time no talk to.... i am doing alright i guess. been now 1 year with out zoe this past saturday. the last couple of days is has been on my mind. as you might guess. it may just be me, but i am getting on with life. i just started to practice with a 4 on 4 flag football team. we start on dec 1. world aids day. ia m going to be sore tomorrow. i can tell. it has been like 6 years or so, since i played any regular sports. so these old bones will take some getting used to running again.

i went to put some ashes on another beach this past weekend. in honor of zoe. it was a beach we went to often. if she was not at the sponge docks. or i would drop her off at the sponge docks and go to howard beach. i intend to put some out the local beach as well.

i still miss her. hard to believe it has been 1 year already....it has been one hell of a long year, it seems. then it seems like yesterday i was trying to get her upstairs to bed. and then the last nites we spent on the living room floor with her... she was in her hospital bed. i have not thought of that moment for some time now. whews....

then i went to see norah jones last week. another show she would have liked to be at. going to RENT tomorrow nite. should be excellent. as always. but again i take her spirit with me. i love you all. and you too honey.... rev. vernon.

monday nite and not too much going on. i worked today most of it, kinda. then went to the gym and home to dinner. tonite's menu consisted of chicken thighs on gril, with flavored noodles and corn on the cob for 1. this is the week of big events.

the first being that is is zoe's 1 year anniversary. hard to believe it has been 1 year. then at times it seems like this has been 1 long ass year. it has not been 1 of my favorites. that is for sure. but i am coping and going on with life. i think zoe would have want it to be so. i still talk to her. mostly in the car. and then there are times i look up to talk to her. i miss her dearly at times. it is mostly music that sparks my memory. and with that, the 2nd event takes place this week. my sis and i see norah jones this friday nite. so the events take place in reverse order. but it is still going to be one of helluva week. it has been on my mind heavily that is for sure. i have a special 1 oh putting flowers on her grave for me. thank god. there are some times that i think that i abandon louisville, or abandon her, and her grave site. now i wonder if any body visits her. i hope they do honey....and i am thinking of you often.

peace and love, reverend watery eyes....

well i am still here. i have not had much to say on the happy side, so i have not been on here for awhile. i have been busy with the kerry campaign. doing some work for the PAC moveon.org. i am a precinct leader and doing a lot of canvassing, trying to get the kerry vote out. we need to send bush back to texas. please america, hear me now!!!!!

well not much else happening. i actually have a blind date tonight. and i have never been on one of those before. so it should be interesting. we are meeting at a nice place on the water. stay tuned. i will let you all know how it goes. i am not putting too much stock into though. dont want to be let down if it turns out to be a disaster. you know me and my attitude. lol. i am kinda nervous, since it has been years i have been on a real date. hopefully it will go swimmingly.

well and the weather down here is nice and sunny. it does not feel like october. i dont think i have been able to wear shorts in october before. surely does not feel like halloween time. this might take a couple of years to get used to that.

as for miss j, well she has moved on, and i do not know where she is in this city. no phone number or address for her. i am sure the family is happy about that, but i still had some little hope left in me for us. ugh. well onward and upward.....!!!

it will soon be 1 year with out zoe. can you beleive it. i miss her still. and i am still in counseling. so i am doing what i can to be healthy, or at least in my mind. but there are times when the song on the radio hits me and i break down and cry. i wonder if i should be with anybody these days? i know the loneliness is getting easier. i dont mind it as much. but it is still there.

well i am off. love you all. capt vernon.

it has been about 2 weeks since i have been on here. well nothing new to report really. i have been up and down. last week was kinda hard for some reason or another. it was kevin 10 year anniversary and i know that can only mean that miss zoe's 1 year is not far off. has it been that long? it seems like yesterday. but only the calendar knows that it has been 1 year. you know i have that last night in my mind so vividly. and i try to recall our last conversation we had. and you know i can not for the life of me remember that. it might have been when hospice came in for the intake interview. after that she was not really herself. i guess she sensed that the end was really there and she tried to keep me from thinking about it. you know it just came to me like that. she was trying to protect me. can you image that, as she laid there dying she was still thinking of me. she was that kind of person. and i miss her. she is still in my heart and soul. i must go on. and you know there are days when i feel that i may never be happy again. is that not absurd or what? surely i will find happiness again, where i do not know. but then that is life. if we knew all, it would not be worth living for. right? when you are a kid and you wish for christmas to be here. and you hear you parents or another elder tell you "don't wish your life away" . well that is so true now a days. i wish only that i could talk to her 1 more time. do you think she knows how i feel? i hope so. i know she is in a better place and out of pain. only if i could find a place with no pain. then i will be happy... we hope or wish.

well rev vern signing off for now. i mite be back soon. peace and love to all.

well another week has started and i am actually in a good mood tonite. i got my house to myself and i kinda like it. i can watch whatever the fuck i want to on TV. what freedom. and i can eat whatever i want to as well. again what freedom. taking this freedom thing too far. lol. well wanted to report that i am in a good mood tonite and thought that i would share this with whom ever maybe reading this. also get and vote soon. and vote for KERRY. we need W outta there. asap. thank you for tuning in tonite. peace and love, doormat.

well another week has started and i am actually in a good mood tonite. i got my house to myself and i kinda like it. i can watch whatever the fuck i want to on TV. what freedom. and i can eat whatever i want to as well. again what freedom. taking this freedom thing too far. lol. well wanted to report that i am in a good mood tonite and thought that i would share this with whom ever maybe reading this. also get and vote soon. and vote for KERRY. we need W outta there. asap. thank you for tuning in tonite. peace and love, doormat.

alone again. my new nickname will be doormat. it seems that i like to be stepped on by people who i want to trust. i just kicked out my new roommate after he did not have any money for the 2nd week. i wanted to believe that he would come up with the money some how, and after he told me that his brother was going to send some money to him. well he did not and i had to take the harsh actions of kicking him out. am i too nice? or just naive? i don't know. so now with him and then miss j earlier in the year, i have no trust for other people. people are ruthless until they act otherwise. just the opposite of being innocent until proven otherwise. like the law. but i know that i need and will meet some people down here that have a nice heart. somewhere. and also my neighbor down here also owes me money, since july. so i am going to have to harden my soul or something. try to live for myself and no one else. and look out for myself and no one else. that just seems to be a harsh way to live life. but i am learning each day if one is to survive that i need to take this attitude towards others. it also may be the crowd i am hanging with. so i am going to start anew again this week. let's see i think that is like the umpteenth time this year i have started over again. or at least it feels that way. again i find myself feeling empty inside. and i have no one else to blame except for myself. another hard lesson to learn. let's just hope that i can learn from this and not trust another fuckin soul down here. lol. if only it was that easy. well capt doormat signing off. peace and love to all. one day maybe that love and peace will come back to me.

alone again. my new nickname will be doormat. it seems that i like to be stepped on by people who i want to trust. i just kicked out my new roommate after he did not have any money for the 2nd week. i wanted to believe that he would come up with the money some how, and after he told me that his brother was going to send some money to him. well he did not and i had to take the harsh actions of kicking him out. am i too nice? or just naive? i don't know. so now with him and then miss j earlier in the year, i have no trust for other people. people are ruthless until they act otherwise. just the opposite of being innocent until proven otherwise. like the law. but i know that i need and will meet some people down here that have a nice heart. somewhere. and also my neighbor down here also owes me money, since july. so i am going to have to harden my soul or something. try to live for myself and no one else. and look out for myself and no one else. that just seems to be a harsh way to live life. but i am learning each day if one is to survive that i need to take this attitude towards others. it also may be the crowd i am hanging with. so i am going to start anew again this week. let's see i think that is like the umpteenth time this year i have started over again. or at least it feels that way. again i find myself feeling empty inside. and i have no one else to blame except for myself. another hard lesson to learn. let's just hope that i can learn from this and not trust another fuckin soul down here. lol. if only it was that easy. well capt doormat signing off. peace and love to all. one day maybe that love and peace will come back to me.

here is another poem for the masses. hope you like this one too. i am working through my grief with poetry. a talent i did not know i possessed. until recently. i have a lot of time on my hands and so i go over these in my head. and try to put the words together before putting them down on paper, or into the pc. this one is for zoe.

I miss

I miss those carefree days of yesteryears

When all we had was each other

i miss her sweet smell

i miss her blue eyes

i miss conversations with her that made no sense

i miss walks in the park with her

those late nite ice runs

i miss the color of fall leaves and walks in the park with my sweetie

i miss the art shows

and one can not forget endless weekends spent at the flea markets

where she would always get gifts that she never sent to whom they were

intended to go to

and those weekends mornings where I would awake to find the zoester gone
but I always knew she was out at the yard sales where she would be gone

for 8 hours or more

where she would bring home more shit than our house could hold

I miss the many live bands we saw, where she would always want to get

closer and want to get an autograph

There is more than once she was successful at that task

i miss those late nite chinese runs

i miss those endless doctors appointment

i miss the pill bottles

i miss all the things i used to bitch about

if only i had more time with her

I miss her many trips to the ER where she would always rebound and we

all thought she would rebound from this last time,

She over came so much in her life.

Even she did not want to believe that she was dying

Telling friends about her last stay in the hospital was due to the heat

of the summer and food poisoning from a bad lobster

now I will live with her spirit of life and she will always be with me

in my heart

but most of all i miss my wife


i hated english in high school and college. so i never thought i would be writing poetry. but it may help with my feelings. it is also another release. the next one i write will be for some one that is living or maybe about a thing or so. not necessary for anybody. maybe. although i need to write one for the jerrmeister. uncle jerry for those out there not in the know. zoe and kevin and uncle jerry all buried at cavehill. we have 4 plots and i am the last one living. and this past weekend and before i left for the sunshine state i paid them a visit and it was no fun. it was really hard and especially this past weekend. i did not know how i would take seeing zoe's headstone. but it took me back. seeing her name in that stone. it was a heavy trip. to say the least. i have had her on my mind all week long. my counselor said it is good that i got the first visit back home over. so maybe next time it will be easier. i am hoping. not sure when i will get up there again though.

well anyway. we have a weekend down here with out a hurricane. not sure how people will take that. lol. it has been one wild ass hurricane season. to say the least. well peace and love to all. rev. vernon.

well i am back from lousyville. it was a nice trip overall. but it was quite hard at times when i saw zoe's stone. that took me back. it was hard to sit with her and see her name in stone. it was harder than i imaged it would be. i sat with her for about 1/2 hour each time i was alone with her. on sunday and then again on tuesday. almost put me back to where i was before counseling. but i will get on with my life down here in florida. it was nice to see old friends and they were surprised to see me as well. not everyone knew i was coming up. so i was able to surprise quite a few people. but it is nice to be back home again. i feel that florida is more and more my home. so that is good thing. it was weird visiting lousyville and see how all my friends have thier own lives and they did not stop when i came down here. so it was more and more like i made the right decision. the city has too many memories for me. it would not be good to go back there to live, if i ever do. it will be some years from now.

well here i am again. not much happening. except getting ready to go north for a brief visit. i will be leaving this friday a.m. for a 4 day weekend in lousyville. looking forward to it, with some caution. i think it will be hard to see zoe's headstone and the others at cavehill. will be having a lot of emotions flooding into me. i am hoping that this will be one more part of my grief that will help me heal from that loss. i am not sure who i mite see up there. if anybody is interested in seeing me. kinda think i will be let down from the reception. but life does go on.

not much else happening down here. i am kinda feeling some what blue today. not sure why. i think again it is due to miss j. i have left her messages and she still does not call me. would it be so bad to have her call me back? would this bring her down or what? i do not think she has much consideration for her fellow humans on this planet. i am still not over her, 100%. one day this will be behind me. i am hoping.

i am still going to the Y. and then i am out to try to sell some more roofs tomorrow. i have sold like 5 in the last month. just waiting to get them installed so i can get paid for them. then i will be a little happier. money cant buy happiness, but it makes life a little easier that is for sure.

well enough from me now. gtg fix some dinner, peace and love to all. vernon.

well where to begin at. it has been a little while since i have checked in. so i am for sure going to louisville the weekend of sept 24th. we will see who is happy to see me there. and who might show up at wicks pizza next friday. i am hoping to see as most of the people that i would like to. i am for sure going to see zoe's head stone. i am also hoping that that will be some sort of closing ceremony for me. or at least some help with the closing of that part of my grief. i am still missing her like crazy some days. i will be out in the car, traveling with myself and a song will play on the radio and the tears start falling. i am thinking that this is normal for missing a spouse.

i also look forward to being in town while the cards are playing fball. i can at least catch the game on tv up there. and then the aids walk is going on that sunday, so i will take part in that as well.

other news, well i sold a roof this week. yippee. makes for my 5th roof to be sold. now just waiting for installation so i can get my commission. work is going pretty well. as you can image with all the hurricanes we have been having. and of course the family blames me for the all the hurricanes. did not think i would see 1 this summer, let alone 3 of them. but it is good for the roofing business. not good for mobile homes.

what else is happening. not much of anything else. plodding through life and getting on with living.

much peace and love to all. vernon.

well another week about to come to a close. not much happening this week, except we are expecting another damn hurricane this monday. i can not beleive it. it is good for the roofing business at least. that is all i have to say about that. would hate to think that i am going to meet my death in one and join zoe. that would be terrible. going to be staying home so far. it is too far out there for them to make any real predictions about it. so stay tuned. and last weekend we had hurricane frances, and that is all you get on the local tv stations. hurricane coverage. just like when 9/11 happened. me and zoe got sick and tired of looking at dan rather, so we changed my social security number and were able to order cable. thank god. and i just got more cable down here for the cardinals football season. and i was able to watch them kick uofk ass last weekend and did not lose power. like the rest of florida. the cable blink like twice but came right back up, and this was during the game. i was like noooooo, but it came right back up.

well i am still looking at going to lousyville for the aids walk at the end of this month. so look out and i will keep you all posted. was thinking of having people, whoever that may be, to meet me at wicks pizza. going to get a pizza and some green chili wontons at the bristol. besides the people that is all i miss from lousyville.

well gtg for now. peace and love to all. vernon.

well i made it through another hurricane. here i am down here for 6 months and i have already weathered 2 hurricanes. today or this weekend's edition of storms of summer of 2004 was one big ass storm. they evacuated the whole east coast of florida. it was billed as the biggest evac in florida history. glad i was here to see that. i would have hated to be in that traffic for sure.

well as for me, well i am getting through another day. the cards at least won today. big time. like 35 to zip. take that wildcats. lol. and i had a pot of chili and a tail gate party of 1. lol. big time crowd. was a long line for the bathroom at half time. lol. still yelled at the tv. of course. i had to do that. would not have been the same with out that. and of course i am a little hoarse from that. i had lost my voice, as usual last weekend when big sis was here. i think i lost it then due to all the talking i did. i did not get drunk and i don't think i have a cold. so it must have been all the talking i did.

did talk to O.H. tonite. she is having a rough time. i wish i could reach through the phone and give her a big ol hug. she needs one. some of her friends have abandon her. well it seems like they have. so i will call her daily and try to cheer her up. one needs to keep a positive attitude in this life. i should know by now. i have read like 3 books over the summer about grief and the person's attitude. the average person has like 50,000 thoughts in a day. so you need to keep those thoughts positive. or it will drag you down. for sure. and on that topic i saw miss j this weekend. she came by to give me her key. then i called her after she left. i wrote her a poem and she told me that it was foolish of me to think that we would ever get back together. and stinger to my heart. but she has been gone now for like 3 months and i need to go on. that is for sure, as well. it is hard some times, but again i think i am getting stronger each day. and i hope to be going to louisville this month. to see zoe's headstone. i mentioned this to miss j and she said, "who headstone"? duh. mark her down as an experience that it was.

well enough about her. maybe this will be the last mention of her on this blog. she does not deserve any more thoughts from me, or any more typed words on this blog. so slap me if i mention her again. lol. if you can.

i have been writing another poem. this one is for kevin. my brother. i am trying to write a little more now since i have some time on my hands. he has been gone now for 10 years. does not seem like that long. but i miss him at times. next poem will be for the zoester. these are not going to be short poems, i am finding. i write some then leave them and come back to them. (one more mentioned of miss j. she told me that i should write more, she liked the poem i wrote her.) and my counselor mentioned to me, or asked me if i was poet. i was like no. it was when i said that the loneliness of my house hangs from the wall. and it does, but the hanging is getting shorter with each day. i am going to make it. and i am going to make it down here. i am determined to.

well enough for tonite, i think. peace and love to all. vernon