there seems to be a level of ammonia that she can operate on and then there is the level where she is out of it. i think she is somewhere in between those levels now. have not seen or heard from doc today. just saw the nurse and getting ready to go back there now. for the rest of the afternoon. she is not so anxious to come home now. the last couple of days she has been this way. just sitting back and enjoying the show. she does know she in the hospital. but that is about it. she does not talk much. like she is thinking of something, but if you ask what she is thinking of, she says nothing.....

who knows the next chapter. ....peace and love, capt.

well i am back again today.

i just wanted to check and say hey. hey. my wife is still in hospital, going on 5 days now. her ammonia levels are still high, but coming down. she just sits there and laughs at nothing. almost like alzheimer. it is going to be hard to bring her home, i bet. i can only do so much here for her. her doc did not think that it would be time for hospice.

i would hate it if she got an infection in the hospital. today she had this cough that i did not like. we will wait until the a.m. to see about that. her doc (our doc) has been up there every day in the a.m. to check on her. as stated before she is the best. a light at the end of the tunnel. she is.

well just going to go it a nite, and wanted to get some more thoughts off my head. until next time. p/l, me.

i go through the ER exit mostly at nite, and there is nothing but sick and hurt people there. of course, what would you expect. but it is just so sad. and most of them have others there with them. but not me. i am the lone soldier on the front line here. and if i do not go see my wife, not many others do. so i will send out a note tonite to let others know she is out of the ICU at least.

observations of today

well today again was long. my wife is still in hospital but was moved out of ICU. she is not really there. in the 3 hours i was up there tonite, she maybe spoke no more than 10 words. we will see if she comes home tomorrow.

do you know that look everyone has on their faces in the ER? well my whole life is like that look now. i guess it is the concerned look. it is that sinking feeling look, i think.

well gtg. that is all for today.

i did get my new pc together, working out the bugs in it now. peace and love to all.

another moment for the highlight reel.

i am again on drugs this week. and i think i am losing some weight with the back and forth with the hospital. but i will be okay, i guess. feels like i am in this alone. my family is 900 miles away and there is not much more family in town. our friends all work or live a normal life, if there is one in these days.

trduge on, i will. like frodo in his quest.

today news

well i was able to get my wife into the hospital over the weekend, as you might have read. well she is doing much better. the last couple of days she has been anxious to get out of there and come home. today she is content to sit back and enjoy the show. she is laughing at every thing. i guess it could be worse. she could be crying. but she just does not seem herself, just yet. and today also got to her room and she was standing in shit. she could not make it to the bathroom since she has IV's in her. and her nurse had not check on her. she also did not know how to call the nurse with the buzzer. so like i said she is not herself just yet. not a good sight today. i rang the nurse and she came and cleaned it up.

as for me, well i am hangin in there. my HIV is still undetectable as mentioned before. and i feeling fine. if i change my hiv drugs, which i may due next month. i will have to stop the STI. so i am not looking forward to that. i see the doc again in 6 weeks. and i plan on staying on the drug holiday.

well gtg. for now. until next time. peace and love.

she did not even know i was there, and it is quite draining to be up there. so i am home and getting ready for a session of weight lifting. got to keep the caregiver healthy. the doc says that she does not have an infection or internal bleeding so they are just going to monitor her over the next few days and give her ammonia medicine to get that level down. we beleive and hope that this too shall pass. once we get those levels back down.

news from the front...

well i was able to get my wife into the hospital yesterday, finally. she has been avoiding going there. of course. her ammonia levels are way too high, from her liver failure. she is not coherent at all. i could not stay up there too long. i did not need to see her that way. she is in restraint. i highly recommend not seeing your spouse every in restraints. no fun.

well gtg. hope all is well. peace and love, capt.

i am going to continue my drug interuption for now. there is a new HIV drug on the market with less side effects. and it is a once a day pill. if i change to that, i will have to stop my STI. so we are not sure about that. it will not be on the market until some time in august. so that is not too far off, but i think i like the 1 week on/1 week off.

hello again world. thought i would give everyone, whoever that may be, a quick doc report. i saw the doc yeterday and my HIV is still undetectable and this is with 4 weeks of the STI, 1 week on/1 week off drugs. yippee. i am doing well and feeling good. as for my wife. well that is another story. she may stop her interferon, due to the side effects. she has been taking that for over 3 1/2 years. and her virus has not responded. it responded at one point, but now it is not responding to the meds. and hiv doc says that research shows that should she stop therapy, there will be no big difference. actually might help her liver a little bit more. since all drugs go through the liver. so stay tuned for that.

not much else going on. working for my cousin today and this week. he runs a photography studio. moberlyphotography.com.

just had my 20th high school reunion this past month in june. where does the time go. all we all do, if we only knew then what we know now. how life would be different. but then again would it be worth living? that is why it makes life worth living. to see what comes down the street next time with your name on it. no one knows. c-ya.

well gtg. hope all is well out there.

so i take them and try not to bitch too much. if you are reading this, thank you. please stay tuned. i will try to report from the front lines at least once a week or so.

i have been feelin real good off the drugs. they are a drag to take every day. and it is hard to image doing that the rest of my life. i hope you all caught the HBO show about AIDS. it was a 5 part series directed by one of the kennedy kids. uncle edward kid or niece. it was well done. and of course brought tears to my eyes. how can i bitch about being on the meds when the rest of the world hardly as access to them.

well hello again world. today being the 15th of july. not much happening here. i believe last time i mentioned my wifes liver doc. well he is still shit. and we are waiting for her new meds. since they were changed last time. stay tuned for the details. we will probably not hear anything for another 2 weeks. i am doing alright. feeling good. 1 day before i start back on my meds for 1 week. see my HIV doc on monday the 21st and wonder how my bloodwork will look.

she has been again spending a lot of time in bed. this week we saw her liver doc. he answers questions like a politician, never giving a real answer. lol. if it was not for our questions to him, i do not think he would tell some of this stuff. he is real quick, as in when you actually see him. he is in and out. he looks at your labs and goes about changing your med

just hangin out with the PC. the misses is not feeling well again today. she (i think) is getting worse. her liver is faliing, slowly as this may be. in august of 2001 she was told that she has about 10 to 20 % of her liver working. i think it is now at about 10% or so. i am not a doctor, i just play one in real life. lol.

capt log

july 13, 03

well it has been some time since i checked in here. had some keyboard problems and other minor delays. it has now been 4 weeks on my STI. i gave blood last week and should get the results on the 21st. if not sooner. i feel fine. and wondering if i am playing russian roullette with my health. i hope as we all do that i am still undetectable. stay tune.