capt checking in...one more session on the couch.... i am doing alright. been a long weekend with miss j gone now. she moved into a shelter for women over the weekend. a clean environment. i am still at awe about the decision. and from talkin with her today, it sounds like she is going to be there for some time now. i am still confused about the situation. i am going to go on with life. on the outside. she drops in daily to walk or feed the kids. i have been otherwise alright. my family has been there for me. and they have been keeping me busy. going to try to stay busy for the next couple of weeks.

looking to get this month over with. have some friends from the north coming down next month. hoping to see them.

i am rebounding and now making my 5th "NEW" beginning in the last 8 months. 1-without zoe, 2-with miss j in ky. 3-me in florida w/out miss j. 4-me in FL. w/miss j. 5-me in FL. w/out miss j. stay tuned.

need to get some regularity in my life. hoping this year would be 1 of the best. still awaiting word about that. naw i should be alright now. i have a new outlook to live with now. going to make the most of it this time. my new subconscious book will be helping me out. i am repeating the phrase "she loves me and she will return to me." in my head. will be doing this throughout the months to come.

i am going to a AIDS dinner tomorrow nite. if they still have it and i can make it over there. it is in st. pete. almost like the buddy dinner up north.

well gtg. just a quick note to say hello. my heart is almost getting colder as time goes on. i am really hoping me and miss j can work things out. peace and love to all. capt.

another session on the couch. i am doing alright today. i have my moments. have not been sleeping well since i was released from the pysch ward on tuesday. miss j is still not sure if she is going to hang out with me any more or not. it seems my actions are what actually pushed her away. will i ever learn. we are still takin it day to day. i am at a loss for words. i know i will survive losing her, if she decides to go...but life would be so much happier with her in my life. she brightens up the room when she walks in. when i wake up all i can do is look at watch her sleep. i can actually spend hours on end watching her sleep. she is a work of art. i can only hope that she sticks by me during this time. wondering if the florida thing should be canceled...still not sure.


i did have some insight into my problems yesterday. i took care of zoe for so long that i am kind of person that needs to be wanted, or needed. and with miss j, she is so independent...real 21century woman...and i am just not used to having my partner like that. it is a new world all together.

finding bruises and cuts all over me from the incident. i fell like all over the house. exposed miss j to my blood, which really was not good.

well i do start counseling next week. will see how that goes. it is at the HIV clinic. not much else to report on. takin it day to day for now. love and peace to all. capt.

i know again that my actions were very harmful to miss j, and kids (grace and maxwell-dogs) due to the blood. it freaked the hell outta miss j, and she still is tramatized over it. i may have just pushed her out the door with this act. i will get over it 1 day. i am going to get counseling and try to join a gym. i am going to work on getting out of the house more and get back into the swing of life. it will not be hard, but i am here to stay now. thank you for listening. peace and love, capt.

well where to begin at...over the weekend i tried to commit
suicide. it was a not a nice scene. i swallowed a bottle of xanax and temezpam. miss j found me when she got off work. there was blood everywhere, due to me falling down. i have stiches in both eyebrows. i have been on 1 roller coaster it would seem down here. this is all too much for me to take at times. it was a call for help and i should have known better. i am ashamed and promise to never attempt this again. been feeling like i may be losing miss j, and that would be the worse. she has told me repeatly that she is not going anywhere. and i hope she does not. we have been through some rough times down here, but we have each other and i got my family down here. going to be spending more time with them over the next months or so. i am convince to make this work down here. i have given up my prescriptions to the 2 mentioned drugs. i have been on them for like 10 years. since i lost my brother to AIDS, 10/13/94. i now know it takes myself to be happy. and i am learning that slowly. i apologize to all that love me and know that i am in your prayers.

well another slow day at the office. today i feel like moving back north. i don't think this florida thang is working out. miss j did start a job this week. not sure if she really likes it or not. if she not happy i am not happy. and it has been like 2 months and it aint getting any easier...that is for sure. cost of living is frickin high down here. and the weather is not even summer time hot yet. sun shining all the time. i know now why it is called the sunshine state. drive every morning to work staring at the sun. i guess we need to stay until at least the end of july. got tickets to see dave mathews down here in july. so i won't miss that show. that was my only new year's resolution this year, was to see Dave. not sure what i had in mind when i said or made the decision to come down here, but it just does not feel right. just yet. maybe some day. i will check in next week. maybe i will be in a better mood then. peace and love to all.capt.

checkin again. i should really edit these before i post them. could not hardly understand my last post. well life goes on. not like i am writing for a pulitizer or anything. just to vent. my life down here is still day by day, shitty. not sure if miss j wants me in her life or not. been getting some vibes that i don't like. she started a new job yesterday. so she is gone now in the evening. leaves me alone in the evening. but it should be for the better, in the long run. i feel i would be lost with out her. as mentioned before. not sure where life is taking me now. my health feels like it is under stress, or over stressed. my neuropathy is really bad at nite. hard to keep my shoes on all day. my soles of my feet feel like they are in fire. i would hate to admit it that i can not really work. but that is not true. i can do some work and the price of living in florida is way higher than louisville. so i must continue to sweat it out. well going to go for now. peace and love to all.capt.

and there are moments and songs and other memories that come racing back to me to remind me of zoe. and i miss her at times. i am trying to go on with life. i am thinking that she sent miss j to me, because she knew how damn lonely i would be with out her. i miss going to the cemetary up north. no one to take the gang any flowers now. and i did not get to see her heastone. it should be installed soon, i am thinking. i just my life to be happy again. i am extremely happy with miss j. i just need to settle down and take it day by day. it has been rough. not the finest year in my life. and am still hoping to go too soon??? one would suspect. but i gave my life to zoe, is it not too much to ask that i be happy again? like what is happiness? who knows. we all have out barometer for that. and i am makeing some money. but i do not want to pursue money if i am never happy... still feel that this will work out 1 day.

went to the beach the other day, or before miss j came down here. i was of course, by myself on a crowded beach. but still all alone. loneliness is a killer. so i am once again trying to find my footing in this world. i am hoping to marry miss j. but we have only briefly discussed this. so stay tuned. i hope to be on here a little more. still no email at home yet. and the office PC's are only connected by 1 pc. so we share that 1.. . peace and love to all. and say a prayer for me. capt signing off for now.

so here i am again. sitting at work, with not much work to be done. we have moved the office of the business. i moved 1000 miles from home to help move a company. no fun. we are settling in though. i am kinda in good mood today. miss j and i are still together. she has a job interview down here. would be the 2nd one she has had. not with the same company though. she is kinda going stir crazy at home all the time. she needs to get out more, and this job would fit her real well. i am totally crazy about her. i have these anxiety attacks as of late. only happened when i moved down here and was with out her in my life. my heart would race and my stomach would get all upset. almost felt like puking. i still get them but not as frequently now. i would hate the fact of losing miss j in my life. i think i dwell on that too much. she has told me over and over again that she is with me and does not want to see anybody else. last nite we were talking and she mentioned why are we down here??? and i was kinda like....to survive. we needed to build a better life for ourselves. and the florida move should do just that. yesterday marked my 2 months down here. still not getting any easier though. some what. the best part of my day is going home to miss j. she is the hilite of my life. she came into my life at a very dark hour, and i feel truly that she was sent to me, or we bumped into each other at the rite time. and yes i miss zoe that is natural. as i am told.