for some reason or so, i have grown bored with this concept. not really, just tired of bitching. home alone again for the 2000ths time. what else is new. last night i probably had the worse nite of flag football that i will ever live through. i was beaten, not once, not twice, but 3 times for a TD. it sucked. i am hoping to do better next week. this was the week that i said no one will score on me for the rest of this season. funny, that did not last long. lol.

not much else is new. did meet a young lady tonight at the grocery store. yes. i have seen this species before at the gym. but i actually introduced myself to her, and i was not drunk. it was after work, and those are the most soberest moments of the day. lol.

that was after i went and had my session with my counselor. it always kinda depresses me to talk about my doom and gloom with her. but i survived and do not see her until after the xmas.

and the life cycle goes on.

well signing off for now. maybe i will be back sooner than last time.

i am off all HIV drugs still. saw the doctor this week, but she did not take any blood. so who knows what the fuck my blood work is doing. DOH??? she is some what a bonehead. and it is hard for me to put my faith into her like that. but i am. and not living for the numbers, or that shit right now. kinda taken it easy with my HIV chit. so stay tuned. peace and love, rev. vernon.

well it has been 4 days since checking in. and last time i do not think that i mentioned that it is now official. i have my florida license plate. got in world aids day, dec 1. mine of course ran out in november from KY. i can now take my own plate and hang it on the wall.

i will no doubt be staying in florida. it is the best option for me right now. i feel. miss j, in case you are wondering moved back, well she moved back to lousyville. and has been back there for about 2 weeks or so. if not longer. i have little if any communication with her. life does go on.

i am kinda missing my zoe as well these days. she has been gone for a year and i still talk to her. you know there are these 3 sand herons that i see a lot by the office. and they are all the time, 3, only. so today i named them for our fallen heros in cavehill. zoe, kevin, and jerry. man i miss those kids. i guess it is the holidays and all.

not much else going on. still hanging in there like a hair in a biscuit.

much peace and love to all. vernon.

hello folks. nice sunday morning down south here. not much happening today. i am off to church, yes church. did you hear the thunder ??? i am off to church due to the fact that they are having a memorial service for persons lost to AIDS. due to the world AIDS day this week. i am also going to pray for myself. and to give me strength to go on. i am alright today. just a little lonely, as usual. i am also off to the drum circle today. i am doing my best to get out of the house and to meet others. i woke up this morning, to sunshine as usual down here. had some coffee. and talked to the cavehill gang. i sure do miss them all. i am trying to forgive myself for helping zoe transcend this world to the other. you know she wanted to die at home. i just wished we had talked about it more. i know she is in a better place now. i am just hoping that the guilt i feel will lessen as the days go on.

i am still off hiv drugs and hope i am doing alright.

i started playing flag football this week and think i brusied my collar bone or something in my shoulder. maybe i am too old to play this rough sport. but i am getting out of the house and meeting people this way. and i am still going to the gym and think i have a softball team to play on this coming february. met this guy at the gym and his team needs a shortstop, which i play. and softball should be easier on my bones. lol.

well gotta go. life is getting better, or the burden that i carry is getting easier to carry.

much love and peace to all. rev. vernon.

hello folks. nice sunday morning down south here. not much happening today. i am off to church, yes church. did you hear the thunder ??? i am off to church due to the fact that they are having a memorial service for persons lost to AIDS. due to the world AIDS day this week. i am also going to pray for myself. and to give me strength to go on. i am alright today. just a little lonely, as usual. i am also off to the drum circle today. i am doing my best to get out of the house and to meet others. i woke up this morning, to sunshine as usual down here. had some coffee. and talked to the cavehill gang. i sure do miss them all. i am trying to forgive myself for helping zoe transcend this world to the other. you know she wanted to die at home. i just wished we had talked about it more. i know she is in a better place now. i am just hoping that the guilt i feel will lessen as the days go on.

i am still off hiv drugs and hope i am doing alright.

i started playing flag football this week and think i brusied my collar bone or something in my shoulder. maybe i am too old to play this rough sport. but i am getting out of the house and meeting people this way. and i am still going to the gym and think i have a softball team to play on this coming february. met this guy at the gym and his team needs a shortstop, which i play. and softball should be easier on my bones. lol.

well gotta go. life is getting better, or the burden that i carry is getting easier to carry.

much love and peace to all. rev. vernon.

well today is sunday and that means a drum circle on seista key. i will be leaving here in about 2 hours. not much else is happening. not sure if i mentioned this last time or not. but i have been taken off hiv drugs due to the buildup of lactic acid in my blood. it can be fatal, but we caught it in time now. so i am off drugs for 6 months or until my blood dictates it time to get back onto therapy. my count was 20 when over 15 is 60% fatal. so i am doing well. in that regards.

i start playing football next week. it is a 4 on 4 flag football league. see if these old legs can still rumble. lol. we will see.

last wednesday nite, night before thanksgiving, i shot my ass off in pool. i could not be touched. i held the table for like 2 1/2 hours. i only lost 1 game during that time. cool.

well i am off to shower after the gym. hope all is well. peace and love to all. rev. vernon.

yes it has been some time since i have been on here. well i have made it through the 1st year without zoe. and i find myself still missing her. the book i am reading it mentioned that when you lose some one, it is also giving up that habit of that person in your life. so you have to give up that habit as well. well it has been hard to break that habit.

as for me. well i recently started playing on a 4 on 4 person flag football. so i am getting out of the house some more now. we practice on monday nite and then again on saturday a.m. the season starts on dec 1, world aids day. so i wont make it to any of the local remembrances of the day. i mite, we will have to see. there is this one lady that is in the local scene. we she looks just like zoe, if that is not bad enough. she is positive as well. so i have been trying to see her, anywhere i can.

as for now. well i am ok. about to burn dinner.

found out last week that miss j moved back up north. so that is definetly over with. what a bummer. as long as she was in town, i always held out hope. so now there is no hope. and i must go on life. i am doing just that.

well peace and love, rev. vernon.

i will be back here soon. i promise.

hello world. long time no talk to.... i am doing alright i guess. been now 1 year with out zoe this past saturday. the last couple of days is has been on my mind. as you might guess. it may just be me, but i am getting on with life. i just started to practice with a 4 on 4 flag football team. we start on dec 1. world aids day. ia m going to be sore tomorrow. i can tell. it has been like 6 years or so, since i played any regular sports. so these old bones will take some getting used to running again.

i went to put some ashes on another beach this past weekend. in honor of zoe. it was a beach we went to often. if she was not at the sponge docks. or i would drop her off at the sponge docks and go to howard beach. i intend to put some out the local beach as well.

i still miss her. hard to believe it has been 1 year already....it has been one hell of a long year, it seems. then it seems like yesterday i was trying to get her upstairs to bed. and then the last nites we spent on the living room floor with her... she was in her hospital bed. i have not thought of that moment for some time now. whews....

then i went to see norah jones last week. another show she would have liked to be at. going to RENT tomorrow nite. should be excellent. as always. but again i take her spirit with me. i love you all. and you too honey.... rev. vernon.

monday nite and not too much going on. i worked today most of it, kinda. then went to the gym and home to dinner. tonite's menu consisted of chicken thighs on gril, with flavored noodles and corn on the cob for 1. this is the week of big events.

the first being that is is zoe's 1 year anniversary. hard to believe it has been 1 year. then at times it seems like this has been 1 long ass year. it has not been 1 of my favorites. that is for sure. but i am coping and going on with life. i think zoe would have want it to be so. i still talk to her. mostly in the car. and then there are times i look up to talk to her. i miss her dearly at times. it is mostly music that sparks my memory. and with that, the 2nd event takes place this week. my sis and i see norah jones this friday nite. so the events take place in reverse order. but it is still going to be one of helluva week. it has been on my mind heavily that is for sure. i have a special 1 oh putting flowers on her grave for me. thank god. there are some times that i think that i abandon louisville, or abandon her, and her grave site. now i wonder if any body visits her. i hope they do honey....and i am thinking of you often.

peace and love, reverend watery eyes....

well i am still here. i have not had much to say on the happy side, so i have not been on here for awhile. i have been busy with the kerry campaign. doing some work for the PAC moveon.org. i am a precinct leader and doing a lot of canvassing, trying to get the kerry vote out. we need to send bush back to texas. please america, hear me now!!!!!

well not much else happening. i actually have a blind date tonight. and i have never been on one of those before. so it should be interesting. we are meeting at a nice place on the water. stay tuned. i will let you all know how it goes. i am not putting too much stock into though. dont want to be let down if it turns out to be a disaster. you know me and my attitude. lol. i am kinda nervous, since it has been years i have been on a real date. hopefully it will go swimmingly.

well and the weather down here is nice and sunny. it does not feel like october. i dont think i have been able to wear shorts in october before. surely does not feel like halloween time. this might take a couple of years to get used to that.

as for miss j, well she has moved on, and i do not know where she is in this city. no phone number or address for her. i am sure the family is happy about that, but i still had some little hope left in me for us. ugh. well onward and upward.....!!!

it will soon be 1 year with out zoe. can you beleive it. i miss her still. and i am still in counseling. so i am doing what i can to be healthy, or at least in my mind. but there are times when the song on the radio hits me and i break down and cry. i wonder if i should be with anybody these days? i know the loneliness is getting easier. i dont mind it as much. but it is still there.

well i am off. love you all. capt vernon.

it has been about 2 weeks since i have been on here. well nothing new to report really. i have been up and down. last week was kinda hard for some reason or another. it was kevin 10 year anniversary and i know that can only mean that miss zoe's 1 year is not far off. has it been that long? it seems like yesterday. but only the calendar knows that it has been 1 year. you know i have that last night in my mind so vividly. and i try to recall our last conversation we had. and you know i can not for the life of me remember that. it might have been when hospice came in for the intake interview. after that she was not really herself. i guess she sensed that the end was really there and she tried to keep me from thinking about it. you know it just came to me like that. she was trying to protect me. can you image that, as she laid there dying she was still thinking of me. she was that kind of person. and i miss her. she is still in my heart and soul. i must go on. and you know there are days when i feel that i may never be happy again. is that not absurd or what? surely i will find happiness again, where i do not know. but then that is life. if we knew all, it would not be worth living for. right? when you are a kid and you wish for christmas to be here. and you hear you parents or another elder tell you "don't wish your life away" . well that is so true now a days. i wish only that i could talk to her 1 more time. do you think she knows how i feel? i hope so. i know she is in a better place and out of pain. only if i could find a place with no pain. then i will be happy... we hope or wish.

well rev vern signing off for now. i mite be back soon. peace and love to all.

well another week has started and i am actually in a good mood tonite. i got my house to myself and i kinda like it. i can watch whatever the fuck i want to on TV. what freedom. and i can eat whatever i want to as well. again what freedom. taking this freedom thing too far. lol. well wanted to report that i am in a good mood tonite and thought that i would share this with whom ever maybe reading this. also get and vote soon. and vote for KERRY. we need W outta there. asap. thank you for tuning in tonite. peace and love, doormat.

well another week has started and i am actually in a good mood tonite. i got my house to myself and i kinda like it. i can watch whatever the fuck i want to on TV. what freedom. and i can eat whatever i want to as well. again what freedom. taking this freedom thing too far. lol. well wanted to report that i am in a good mood tonite and thought that i would share this with whom ever maybe reading this. also get and vote soon. and vote for KERRY. we need W outta there. asap. thank you for tuning in tonite. peace and love, doormat.

alone again. my new nickname will be doormat. it seems that i like to be stepped on by people who i want to trust. i just kicked out my new roommate after he did not have any money for the 2nd week. i wanted to believe that he would come up with the money some how, and after he told me that his brother was going to send some money to him. well he did not and i had to take the harsh actions of kicking him out. am i too nice? or just naive? i don't know. so now with him and then miss j earlier in the year, i have no trust for other people. people are ruthless until they act otherwise. just the opposite of being innocent until proven otherwise. like the law. but i know that i need and will meet some people down here that have a nice heart. somewhere. and also my neighbor down here also owes me money, since july. so i am going to have to harden my soul or something. try to live for myself and no one else. and look out for myself and no one else. that just seems to be a harsh way to live life. but i am learning each day if one is to survive that i need to take this attitude towards others. it also may be the crowd i am hanging with. so i am going to start anew again this week. let's see i think that is like the umpteenth time this year i have started over again. or at least it feels that way. again i find myself feeling empty inside. and i have no one else to blame except for myself. another hard lesson to learn. let's just hope that i can learn from this and not trust another fuckin soul down here. lol. if only it was that easy. well capt doormat signing off. peace and love to all. one day maybe that love and peace will come back to me.

alone again. my new nickname will be doormat. it seems that i like to be stepped on by people who i want to trust. i just kicked out my new roommate after he did not have any money for the 2nd week. i wanted to believe that he would come up with the money some how, and after he told me that his brother was going to send some money to him. well he did not and i had to take the harsh actions of kicking him out. am i too nice? or just naive? i don't know. so now with him and then miss j earlier in the year, i have no trust for other people. people are ruthless until they act otherwise. just the opposite of being innocent until proven otherwise. like the law. but i know that i need and will meet some people down here that have a nice heart. somewhere. and also my neighbor down here also owes me money, since july. so i am going to have to harden my soul or something. try to live for myself and no one else. and look out for myself and no one else. that just seems to be a harsh way to live life. but i am learning each day if one is to survive that i need to take this attitude towards others. it also may be the crowd i am hanging with. so i am going to start anew again this week. let's see i think that is like the umpteenth time this year i have started over again. or at least it feels that way. again i find myself feeling empty inside. and i have no one else to blame except for myself. another hard lesson to learn. let's just hope that i can learn from this and not trust another fuckin soul down here. lol. if only it was that easy. well capt doormat signing off. peace and love to all. one day maybe that love and peace will come back to me.

here is another poem for the masses. hope you like this one too. i am working through my grief with poetry. a talent i did not know i possessed. until recently. i have a lot of time on my hands and so i go over these in my head. and try to put the words together before putting them down on paper, or into the pc. this one is for zoe.

I miss

I miss those carefree days of yesteryears

When all we had was each other

i miss her sweet smell

i miss her blue eyes

i miss conversations with her that made no sense

i miss walks in the park with her

those late nite ice runs

i miss the color of fall leaves and walks in the park with my sweetie

i miss the art shows

and one can not forget endless weekends spent at the flea markets

where she would always get gifts that she never sent to whom they were

intended to go to

and those weekends mornings where I would awake to find the zoester gone
but I always knew she was out at the yard sales where she would be gone

for 8 hours or more

where she would bring home more shit than our house could hold

I miss the many live bands we saw, where she would always want to get

closer and want to get an autograph

There is more than once she was successful at that task

i miss those late nite chinese runs

i miss those endless doctors appointment

i miss the pill bottles

i miss all the things i used to bitch about

if only i had more time with her

I miss her many trips to the ER where she would always rebound and we

all thought she would rebound from this last time,

She over came so much in her life.

Even she did not want to believe that she was dying

Telling friends about her last stay in the hospital was due to the heat

of the summer and food poisoning from a bad lobster

now I will live with her spirit of life and she will always be with me

in my heart

but most of all i miss my wife


i hated english in high school and college. so i never thought i would be writing poetry. but it may help with my feelings. it is also another release. the next one i write will be for some one that is living or maybe about a thing or so. not necessary for anybody. maybe. although i need to write one for the jerrmeister. uncle jerry for those out there not in the know. zoe and kevin and uncle jerry all buried at cavehill. we have 4 plots and i am the last one living. and this past weekend and before i left for the sunshine state i paid them a visit and it was no fun. it was really hard and especially this past weekend. i did not know how i would take seeing zoe's headstone. but it took me back. seeing her name in that stone. it was a heavy trip. to say the least. i have had her on my mind all week long. my counselor said it is good that i got the first visit back home over. so maybe next time it will be easier. i am hoping. not sure when i will get up there again though.

well anyway. we have a weekend down here with out a hurricane. not sure how people will take that. lol. it has been one wild ass hurricane season. to say the least. well peace and love to all. rev. vernon.

well i am back from lousyville. it was a nice trip overall. but it was quite hard at times when i saw zoe's stone. that took me back. it was hard to sit with her and see her name in stone. it was harder than i imaged it would be. i sat with her for about 1/2 hour each time i was alone with her. on sunday and then again on tuesday. almost put me back to where i was before counseling. but i will get on with my life down here in florida. it was nice to see old friends and they were surprised to see me as well. not everyone knew i was coming up. so i was able to surprise quite a few people. but it is nice to be back home again. i feel that florida is more and more my home. so that is good thing. it was weird visiting lousyville and see how all my friends have thier own lives and they did not stop when i came down here. so it was more and more like i made the right decision. the city has too many memories for me. it would not be good to go back there to live, if i ever do. it will be some years from now.

well here i am again. not much happening. except getting ready to go north for a brief visit. i will be leaving this friday a.m. for a 4 day weekend in lousyville. looking forward to it, with some caution. i think it will be hard to see zoe's headstone and the others at cavehill. will be having a lot of emotions flooding into me. i am hoping that this will be one more part of my grief that will help me heal from that loss. i am not sure who i mite see up there. if anybody is interested in seeing me. kinda think i will be let down from the reception. but life does go on.

not much else happening down here. i am kinda feeling some what blue today. not sure why. i think again it is due to miss j. i have left her messages and she still does not call me. would it be so bad to have her call me back? would this bring her down or what? i do not think she has much consideration for her fellow humans on this planet. i am still not over her, 100%. one day this will be behind me. i am hoping.

i am still going to the Y. and then i am out to try to sell some more roofs tomorrow. i have sold like 5 in the last month. just waiting to get them installed so i can get paid for them. then i will be a little happier. money cant buy happiness, but it makes life a little easier that is for sure.

well enough from me now. gtg fix some dinner, peace and love to all. vernon.

well where to begin at. it has been a little while since i have checked in. so i am for sure going to louisville the weekend of sept 24th. we will see who is happy to see me there. and who might show up at wicks pizza next friday. i am hoping to see as most of the people that i would like to. i am for sure going to see zoe's head stone. i am also hoping that that will be some sort of closing ceremony for me. or at least some help with the closing of that part of my grief. i am still missing her like crazy some days. i will be out in the car, traveling with myself and a song will play on the radio and the tears start falling. i am thinking that this is normal for missing a spouse.

i also look forward to being in town while the cards are playing fball. i can at least catch the game on tv up there. and then the aids walk is going on that sunday, so i will take part in that as well.

other news, well i sold a roof this week. yippee. makes for my 5th roof to be sold. now just waiting for installation so i can get my commission. work is going pretty well. as you can image with all the hurricanes we have been having. and of course the family blames me for the all the hurricanes. did not think i would see 1 this summer, let alone 3 of them. but it is good for the roofing business. not good for mobile homes.

what else is happening. not much of anything else. plodding through life and getting on with living.

much peace and love to all. vernon.

well another week about to come to a close. not much happening this week, except we are expecting another damn hurricane this monday. i can not beleive it. it is good for the roofing business at least. that is all i have to say about that. would hate to think that i am going to meet my death in one and join zoe. that would be terrible. going to be staying home so far. it is too far out there for them to make any real predictions about it. so stay tuned. and last weekend we had hurricane frances, and that is all you get on the local tv stations. hurricane coverage. just like when 9/11 happened. me and zoe got sick and tired of looking at dan rather, so we changed my social security number and were able to order cable. thank god. and i just got more cable down here for the cardinals football season. and i was able to watch them kick uofk ass last weekend and did not lose power. like the rest of florida. the cable blink like twice but came right back up, and this was during the game. i was like noooooo, but it came right back up.

well i am still looking at going to lousyville for the aids walk at the end of this month. so look out and i will keep you all posted. was thinking of having people, whoever that may be, to meet me at wicks pizza. going to get a pizza and some green chili wontons at the bristol. besides the people that is all i miss from lousyville.

well gtg for now. peace and love to all. vernon.

well i made it through another hurricane. here i am down here for 6 months and i have already weathered 2 hurricanes. today or this weekend's edition of storms of summer of 2004 was one big ass storm. they evacuated the whole east coast of florida. it was billed as the biggest evac in florida history. glad i was here to see that. i would have hated to be in that traffic for sure.

well as for me, well i am getting through another day. the cards at least won today. big time. like 35 to zip. take that wildcats. lol. and i had a pot of chili and a tail gate party of 1. lol. big time crowd. was a long line for the bathroom at half time. lol. still yelled at the tv. of course. i had to do that. would not have been the same with out that. and of course i am a little hoarse from that. i had lost my voice, as usual last weekend when big sis was here. i think i lost it then due to all the talking i did. i did not get drunk and i don't think i have a cold. so it must have been all the talking i did.

did talk to O.H. tonite. she is having a rough time. i wish i could reach through the phone and give her a big ol hug. she needs one. some of her friends have abandon her. well it seems like they have. so i will call her daily and try to cheer her up. one needs to keep a positive attitude in this life. i should know by now. i have read like 3 books over the summer about grief and the person's attitude. the average person has like 50,000 thoughts in a day. so you need to keep those thoughts positive. or it will drag you down. for sure. and on that topic i saw miss j this weekend. she came by to give me her key. then i called her after she left. i wrote her a poem and she told me that it was foolish of me to think that we would ever get back together. and stinger to my heart. but she has been gone now for like 3 months and i need to go on. that is for sure, as well. it is hard some times, but again i think i am getting stronger each day. and i hope to be going to louisville this month. to see zoe's headstone. i mentioned this to miss j and she said, "who headstone"? duh. mark her down as an experience that it was.

well enough about her. maybe this will be the last mention of her on this blog. she does not deserve any more thoughts from me, or any more typed words on this blog. so slap me if i mention her again. lol. if you can.

i have been writing another poem. this one is for kevin. my brother. i am trying to write a little more now since i have some time on my hands. he has been gone now for 10 years. does not seem like that long. but i miss him at times. next poem will be for the zoester. these are not going to be short poems, i am finding. i write some then leave them and come back to them. (one more mentioned of miss j. she told me that i should write more, she liked the poem i wrote her.) and my counselor mentioned to me, or asked me if i was poet. i was like no. it was when i said that the loneliness of my house hangs from the wall. and it does, but the hanging is getting shorter with each day. i am going to make it. and i am going to make it down here. i am determined to.

well enough for tonite, i think. peace and love to all. vernon

another weekend another hurricane. i am now riding out another hurricane down here in florida. i did not think i would see 1 hurricane my first summer down here, much less 2. and now there is even another one out in the atlantic. i am going to be alright in the house, just hope that i do not lose power.

besides the weather i am cooking some chili since it is the start of the football season for the cardinals. i am looking forward to the game. i ordered cable and got it installed yesterday just in time for the game today. now i pray that i do not lose power. not much else going on. i did see miss j on friday. she came by to give me my key to the house back. she might be moving back north in november. who knows. she told me not to expect to see her any more. life does go on.

i am doing alright. a little bored in the house all weekend. but i do have some cable to watch. and i have the storm coverage on and off. nothing is open down here at all. kinda like a ghost town. i think i will go out later and do some looting. lol. not really. i will check in with you all later. love and peace to all. vernon.

another weekend and another hurricane. this state has not been hit by 2 hurricanes for decades. that is until i got down here. lol. i am doing better today. getting ready to weather out the weekend. planning on doing some cooking this weekend. going to make a pot of chili for the uofl game on sunday. then i might make a cake and then a hasbrown caserole. keep me busy hopefully. had lunch today at hooters, and as usual tried to pick up my waitress. lol. stay tuned. told her she should evacuate to my house for the hurricane. lol.

other than that, i am trying to be in a better mood. i am a great guy and great catch for the next woman in my life. there is nothing wrong with me. i cook, i clean, sometimes, and i treat women like they are gold. so some day my princess will arrive. i will keep you all posted. but before that happens, i am going to enjoy living with myself and do what i want to do, and then make myself happy. i will check in over the weekend. probably during the storm, again.

peace and love to all. vernon

here i sit with out my shit. lol. i am slowly turning into a poet. i am quite lonely tonite. some times it is a crushing hurt deep inside. i know that it will get easier one day. just seems like it is forever to get to that point. i feel that i will be okay one day and my life could be worse. but i am just living in this present moment. i almost feel as if i have lost all my dreams of yesterday. my counselor asked me about 2 weeks ago where do i see myself in 5 years. i could not picture it. it took me some time to come up with anything to say. it is now sept 1 and i am glad august is over. the summer is about over to. that is for folks up north. i am now living in the land where summer is always in season. i will see what the winter will bring.

i am waiting to see that game this weekend. and i am glad it is on espn. i went on the uofl site today or yesterday and almost cried. i do not think that if i was back up north things would be any easier. i must continue to plod on.

well enough of this sadness for tonight. peace and love to all. vernon.

well it does not seem like it has been a week since i have been on here, but it looks like it has.

well the week was busy one. i ran a lot of permits for the hurricane area down south. put like 150 miles on car, each day. but had a good paycheck. biggest one in my working career, but now it is gone with the bills.

feeling very emotional tonite. i sent a poem to miss j. but still feel like she will not be back to me. ever. feeling lost tonite. and i dont know why. my sis wuz down for last nite and we cried a lot together. she is having rough time with her divorce. so we are both going through life changes at the same time.

i get stronger each day, then i take 2 steps back, it feels at time.

i did sell a roof last week. can actually say i am a salesman now.

have not to the gym lately either. maybe i am needing that. besides some company. or a woman. lol.

well not in the mood to share much tonite. i will keep this short. i am still here and kicking. been playing a little more on microsoft zone game site. makes me feel like i have some one to talk to.

much love and peace to all. vernon.

something else to share with whoever is reading this. this is a poem that I wrote my last semester in class. it was a history of New York city and the beatnik generation. how could you not take this class. well we had to write a poem for our last assignment and this is the one that i wrote. not the best poetry, but i have begun to write a little more. actually i have one going for miss j. maybe one day i will share that one. but for now, here is the original one from vernon.


I aint no poet


I stand before you today with a poem to read.

Big deal you reply, we have been listening to poetry all this

Semester.

What will one more poem mean.

Well in this case it means a lot to me.

You see I aint no poet, but yet still I claim to have one for you

today.

This poem is my little window into my soul

I consider poetry a window into the writers soul and very much admire

Anybody that can write poetry so I shall attempt to open my window to

You today

In this class we have listen to jazz, heard the blues, and examine the

Past through some of this century’s greatest writers,

And it was here in this class that I heard kerouac claim to be a great

Poet one must first know misery

Well this poem is about my personal misery and how I should be regarded

As one of the greatest poets around,

Or at least for myself my misery is mine and not yours.

This brings up the question of whose scales do we use to measure this m

Misery?

Yes I know misery but I aint no poet

Who is to say that one’s pain is deeper or bigger than anothers?

Who would want that job?

Some of my misery is imbedded in the loss of my dad when I was 17 my

Dad died from an instant heart attack afters years of alcohol abuse

Then in 1994 I lost my brother to AIDS. He was not onjly my brother

But also my best friend. So I know misery, sometimes as a close friend

But I aint no poet

My brother introduced me to my wife, who happens to be dying of AIDS as

Well

We have had a good life together and continue to live for each day

Together

She was recently put into a nursing home, so now I go home alone

Yes I know misery, but I aint no poet

So here I stand before you today with my poem of misery only to tell

The class that I too am HIV positive, and now it seems that misery

Knocks at my door too often

Yes I know misery but I aint no poet

Like the beatniks looking for immortality, I too search for immortality

Only my immortality would be in the form of a cure and I don’t see that

Happening too soon

So I take ginsburg words to heart as I have heard before that you

Decide that if you die with AIDS or live with AIDS, and I chose to live

With AIDS

My motto now days being carpe diem and fuck the rest of the world

And now that my window is open will you open yours?

and as usual peace and love to all. the reverend vernon.

saw charley's destruction today. it was horrible. it made me feel that i am fortunate and that i do not live in that area. it was just terrible. i have seen tornado damage up north, but nothing like this. all the store fronts were damaged. no store was without. like going down dixie hiway and the store with signs in front all that was left was the frame of them. i mean all of the signs were not there. at the mcdonalds all you could see was the outline of the big M and nothing else. it was sad. it looked like down town bagdad, but you knew that mother nature did this. again it was quite a site. going back down there tomorrow. because it is good for business. they alway say that natural disaster are good for the economy, but bad for the people who live through it.

well enough from here tonite. peace and love to all. vernon

i was wondering if you all had the chance to view zoe's website lately. nothing new, but i will add the link here if you have not seen it, or would like to view it again. you can also email me at the bottom of the page, that email still works. or i am still checking it. her site address is www.angelfire.com/ky/zoezone. she was so proud of it. she did it all by herself, with a little help from yours truly, but she would not admit it. she sat in front of the pc for like 3 days and put it together. it was also mentioned one time in POZ for the cyber site of the month.

well i am off to plod through life so more. peace and love, vernon.

well what be happening. not much here. another monday here in florida. still running down into the hurricane area to get more permits. hurricanes are good for the roofing business. as you can image. not much else to report. i am still kinda lonely. getting some what used to being alone. the summer is coming to an end with labor day almost here. and i started the summer alone, and it looks like i will finish the summer alone. i went and saw the sunset last nite. and once again i was thinking of zoe and saw another rainbow. this one was most unique and that it went from 1 cloud to another cloud. never really came down to the earth, but was in the clouds. i have not seen one of those before. one more sign from the zoester letting me know that she is alright and that i will be alright, 1 day. i am working on my place and getting more and more what i want to decorate it like. again a new adventure, that i get to decorate how i want to. not like my girlfriend or wife would like it. i was alone a lot in my 20's but this time it is some what different. not sure why. maybe because i am an old fart with HIV. but who knows. i will continue with life down here. and i am hoping to get to lousyville next month for the AIDS walk. i am planning on coming up there, or would like to. i need to see zoe's headstone and feel that it will be a help to me with my grief issues.

i am also missing miss j as well. she came by over the weekend just to drop off some pictures she had got in her stuff by accident. she is doing alright. it was good to see her, brief as it was.

well enough from me tonite. i will check in later in the week. peace and love to all. vernon.

well got the zoester on my mind tonite for some reason or another. it has been not even a year yet, but it will be soon enough. still trying to get adjusted to life with out her. i will journey on. was going to share with the world about her last nite with me. it was about 6pm and she wanted to go up stairs and go to bed. first she had to potty, so i told her that she could in her bag (not sure how to spell, clostumy). but she said she needed to sit down. so i sat her down in the bathroom outside our bed room. she got up and the bowl was full of blood. was not sure what to make of that. so she went to bed. she asked for some help to sleep. and i kinda knew what that was. this is 1 of things that has been haunting me this past 10 months or so. i gave her some to sleep. it was a eye drop of something. not sure i remember the name of it. so then i proceeded to give her morphine. i gave her like 3 eye droppers of it. and her breathing was labored. i stay awake until like 4am listening to her breath, trying. it was a long nite. so in the a.m. i got up about 8am and checked her. she was still breathing but more labored or so. i did not think about it at the time. like what the fuck are you doing??? well i was in a coma, mentally. and i gave her 1 more eye dropper of morphine. i feel like i killed her? who was i to take zoe life? but we talked about it before, i guess, i knew the end was close. so i went back to sleep next to her, until about 10am. when i got up she was gone. so that is my tale. my counselor told me that doctors have beening doing this for years. it has been weigh heavily on my mind over the last 10 months. also our doc up north, our HIV doc, who knows up quite well. she told me that the blood in the toilet was probably her kidneys shutting down. so, zoe was not long for this mortal world. it turns out that the day she died is also a anniversary of a close friend of ours in louisville. i was not there, mentally. i try to recall that day, and it is a blur. anyway. i wanted to get this off my chest again. i have told close friends about it, but don't think i have put it here, on the blog.

anyway. enough for now. peace and love to all. vernon.

well almost at the end of another week. it has been up and down. it seems that i need to keep my mind busy with something or another and the time goes by quickly. this week has been hectic at work to say the least. i have been on the road getting permits down south with the hurricane and all. i have been down there every day since tuesday getting permits and even seeing some sales appointment. i am not sure, but i think i might have sold my first roof today. this old man, of course and his wife liked our product and called me later today and said he was interested in buying our roof. of course, i priced it way too low. i was not aware of the fact that smaller jobs cost more to do. live and learn. then he called this other roofer who gave him a quote this month, like 2 weeks ago. he tried to cancel that job, he asked for an estimate only and the other roofer had him sign it, like he was buying it. and the old man was caught in between us and the other roofer. of course the other guy had him sign the estimate and in small print was the statement that he gave him his roof to do. so the old man was frantic when he called me. the other roofer said it was a legally binding contract. and i think the other roofer pulled 1 over on this man. so we are going to look at it tomorrow and see if he can still get out of that 1, and buy ours. it would be way cool if he is able to do that. so we will see if i actually made a sale today or not. stay tuned.

other than that, i am missing my lady, my wife and anybody. had my friend in town from miami last nite. we had some fun. she had a couple of guys with her and we went out to dinner and then me and 1 of them watched the olympics. big nite in bradenton. lol.

and so tonite i am all alone. and i am up and down in mood, that is. i have spent a lot of time with myself as of late. as you can image. i spent the whole summer with myself. and i like that. NOT. i am getting along with myself that is. i am still working out at the Y. and it shows. or some people say it does. since i live with my body i can not really tell so much. but last nite miss T said i look bigger than when she saw me last month.

well gtg. for now. peace and luv 2 all. vernon.

well here i am again. watching the hurricane coverage on the news to let me know that life could be worse. i am sorry for all those people that lost their homes. we at the roofing business did not lose 1 roof due to the winds. due to our design. then there is the story of the rival roof company that had on order something like 80,000 windows for this 1 mobile home park. well the park itself is now gone. so the other company has to eat those windows. too bad, soo sad. but we do not want to chase misery. or the insurance dollar.

as for me, well i have been in the best mood to get on here. so i thought i would spare everyone the sorrow of my life. like i said, i am watching the hurricane coverage to remind me that life could be worse. nothing really happening down here. i am going into the hurricane zone tomorrow to get some permits for the company. should be interesting to say the least. i have never seen destruction from a hurricane. stay tuned. it is probably much like a war zone or so. but aint never seen 1 of those either, thank god and greyhound.

and tomorrow my friend from miami is coming into town with 2 gay men. ought to be interesting. staying at the capt's B&B in bradenton. lol. no love fest, just another visitor. she is also like my sister. i have a lot of sisters in this world. you know what i mean O.H.!! lol.

well nothing else real earth shattering to report, so i will sign off for now. keep those cards and letters coming. lol. peace and love to all. vernon.

well i made it thru my first hurricane. without a scratch. was not as bad as they expected and it did not do what the forecaster thought it would do. it was projected to hit my county but it turn east before it got to us. we had sustain winds of up to about 80 mph when it came by us. i was at my sister house out east. i was going to ride it out at home but decided against it when the people on tv were telling us that we should evacuate. so i did at the last moment. there was even some gas station that ran out of gas and ice. then the 7/11 by my house was even boarded up. you know it is serious when the 7/11 is closed. lol. well just wanted to report in and let you all know i made. peace and love to all. vernon.

new report!!! charley is now a category 2 storm. winds up to 110 MPH. maybe up to Category 3 storms when it hits. think i will get my kite out, lol. c ya.

could be my last transmission. got a hurricane coming rite at us. they are predicting land fall rite here, where i am. not sure if i am going to evacuate or not. i am now in the area that is supposed to be leaving my house. the last time this area took a direct hit was in 1961. lucky me. lol. ought to be kinda wild here in the next 24 hours. we are not opening for business tomorrow. and now clearwater county has mandatory evacuation. and this has never been done. kinda big storm. well i need to get my beer and bucker down at the house. hoping that my car is well. stay tuned. auntie em, auntie em. !!! toto toto. dorothy, dorothy.???!!! we aint in kansas anymore!!! peace and love to all. vernon.

hello o.h. much love. xxx. vernon

well hello world. wanted to let you all know we are under staewide state of emergency. due to the 2 hurricanes out in the gulf. yippeee. tampa bay has not had a direct hit from a storm for about 20 years. ya get mikey down here and you are asking for a direct hit. lol. so this weekend should be quite fun. lol. going to get my canned goods and water and make sure i got my gin and tonic, lol. and ride out the storm. stay tuned. hopefully i will be back on here, soon. i will check in before the storm hits. the news channels down here are buzzing with advice on what to do, when to do it, etc, etc. so i get to ride out my first hurricane. stay tuned. not much else happening. peace and love, vernon.

well made it through another weekend. now monday nite. thank god football starts tonite. at least i will have something to watch.. what else is up??? not much, missing the zoester tonite. i just have her on mind. and last week i was kicked out of the gay group. not sure i mentioned this on here or not. i got an email from the facilitator last week. there were some uncomfortable with me being there. oohwell. first time in my life i have not been accepted by a gay men. frickin faggots. lol. not really. i apologize in advance if i offend anybody on this site. either by name or what. i have to get this off my chest, so i sit here and talk with my PC. lol. i write out my thoughts. if you give your thoughts "life" by vocalising them. then you can really see if you thought was rite or not. someone told me this philosophy over the summer. so i use my blog as a sounding board or so. and maybe it will help some one out there. well gtg. peace and love, vernon.

well it is thursday, must mean vernon went to see his counselor tonite. which i did. she actually told me that my mood has gotten better over the summer. since i had my suicide attempt i have been seeing her weekly. she is nice and has helped me. at least i have some one to talk to besides my family at work. not that they are bad. but it is nice to have some one other to talk to out of the office. i literally do not talk to anybody after i leave work. unless it is in the grocery store, or gas station, or some other service industry. unless i am on the phone. thank god, i have unlimited long distance on my land line. and i have been reaching out as of late. it helps too. i miss zoe and others friends of mine up north. but i am getting stronger with each day. that is my motto.

one more report from last weekend. me and o.h. went to see my sister. she has never met her. vice versa. so we had some drinks during the day. that was usual. o.h. was without kids, since 1954. lol. a very long time. so we enjoyed each others company. some how we started talking about tequila. and i knew that my sis had some left over from the derby party. o.h. said she used to like that. and i have always liked that. so i told o.h. that we would have to have a shot when we got there. i was throwing caution into the wind as well. so we had 1. and things were alright. then we left and had to get some dinner. but on the way we smoked a little. which apparently put o.h. over the edge. we were sitting there at dinner. a little bar/restaurant place where i knew we could get some nice and greasy food. well o.h. went white and had to go out to the car. lol. she was out of it. as for me, i am always out of it. lol. so she excused herself to the car. and as i watched her go to the car, i was worried, to say the least. but i was also worried that she not set off some one else's car alarm. i was not real sure she knew where we parked, or what kind of car we were in. lol. but she survived and woke rite up when we got home. not that she was sleeping. she was not. but miss j had come by during the day and saw o.h. there. i knew miss j was coming and did not tell her, due to the fact that i had nothing to hide. miss j did not think it was funny, or nice, or whatever. she kinda had a moment. miss j came in real quick got her copy of her resume and then told me that she would be over later when we had left to get the rest of her stuff. and so when we got home there was evidence that miss j was here and had gotten more of her stuff out of my place. i was kinda upset most of the day, due to making miss j uncomfortable. i felt bad, but told myself that she left me. so what am i supposed to do???? stay hidden under my covers and crying.??? i did that for the month of june and most of july. but o.h. helped me get out of bed, along with seeing dave matthews in concert. the incidence during the day with o.h. just gave us something else to laugh about. and we did. a bunch. i consider that i gain a new sister in louisville in o.h. she is great. and i am lucky to have her in my life. she is one of the most beautiful women i have had the chance to know over the years. me and o.h. went school together. and that was about 100 years ago. lol.

so i getting on with life, as miss j said. but i told her that nothing happened. and nothing did. i still feel drawn to miss j. but i am getting better, like i mentioned. both of them are both so pretty. to see them both, you would think that you are looking at a monet painting or so. so i am lucky that i have both of them in my life. and life. not to take anything away from zoe. she was also so pretty. and i am quite lucky to have had that love in my life. some one or so, maybe it was in a movie or so. but it mentioned that usually someone only gets 1 true love in your life. and i hope that that is not true. but that is something that i do not dwell on. so with that, i will run for now. peace and love to all. vernon.

well more news about this past weekend. i ate some wild ass stuff for o.h. she made me try some assparagus, mango, fish, salmon, twice, then broccoli and she gave me a new drink to drink when i get a wild hair. coconut flavored rum with orange juice. so it was quite a weekend. if you know anything about my taste buds. i am quite a picky eater. so again we had a great time this past weekend. then here i am on wednesday and i am left wondering when i might have a good time again. i also wonder if i will ever be loved again!!!????? i know i will. i need to keep the faith that i will. i am also debating with myself about going to church this weekend. now that would be world changing occurence.

and right now i am having another alfred hitchcock moment. i am at the office and have been here for about 3 months. well right now there is a large flock of black birds gathering at the construction site across the street. wondering if this mite be another sign. a sign of what, i have no idea. i have never seen this flock of birds before. nor have i seen such a large gathering of black birds. woooweeeooooo. hard to type that sound. lol.

well check back if i make it home today. lol. peace and love to all. vernon.

i need to add some things about last weekend that i over looked. me and miss b (from now on referred to as o.h.) well we had a great time last weekend. we went to the beach and watched the lightning storm out on in the gulf. she tried to take pictures of it, but we had no luck there. we had a great time and went out to eat on friday and then again on sunday. she helped me decorate my house. this was after i had told her that i had some fun, decorating my own house. a new concept for me. since i have not had the chance to do this as an adult. i was not an adult until my 30's. lol. well o.h. helped with that. she spent some cabbage on my house with candles and other items to give my house a femine look or feel to it. maybe this will help me catch a lady or 2 or 3 or 4 or 5, who knows.

o.h. wanted me to clarify these points of last weekend that i truly over looked. i was belly aching over losing and missing miss j. well i need to move on with that aspect of my life. def.

i am going to be strong for me and o.h. from now on. not sure what life may have for me. but again tonite i was debating on going back to louisville. which i do not need to do. rite now anyway. i have a chance to sell a roof tomorrow and i am going to do just that.

well peace and love to all. especially to o.h. xxx. rev. vernon.

well another day down at the office. not too bad today. at least so far. i did not get much sleep last nite. i am hoping to get more tonite. i mite go to my sis's house tonite. not sure i want to spend another nite at home. and then get this. the PWA meeting or support group i crashed on monday nite, well i get a note today that the gay men are uncomfortable with me there. so i am no longer welcomed there. fuck em. you would think that anybody going through this disease or battling this diseased would be welcomed at any meeting. small mindedness is what i see. i have been in this community or the AIDS community now for about 10 years and suddenly i am no longer welcomed. again, fuckem. i will find my support in other areas down here. where i am just not sure, but i will battle on.

not much else is going on. i am doing my best to get through another day here. i have a sale appointment tomorrow. yippee. i am going to make my first sale tomorrow for the roofing gig. i feel it in my bones. i am sure of this. stay tuned. i will report in tomorrow. peace and love to all. rev. vernon.

well it is 4am and i and i am wide awake tonite. i woke up at 130am with a dream about zoe. and i have not been able to get back to sleep. i am going somewhat crazy tonite. not sure what is going on. just missing my wife and companion in this mortal world. wonder if i should take more drugs or get more drugs from the doctor to help me sleep. just not sure about anything these days. i took some flowers to miss j today. and got no response from her. i need to leave her alone, but a big part of me would love to have her back in my life. i am trying to accept the fact that she will not be coming back. it is hard. i think this last year has been one of the most difficult times of my life. surely nothing else that i have to face in life could be any harder to deal with.

on other news about my doctor visit last week. not sure if i reported about that or not. my tcells took a dive. down about 140 points or so. from 486 to 315. but my viral load is still undecteable. the tcells dive is probably due to stress or that i just gave blood when i started my on medicine week. not sure. next time i give i will give when i am on a full week. i need to get out of this funk that is for sure.

not sure what the dream was about tonite, but i think also that kevin was in it too.. maybe they are both trying to tell me something. what that is i am not sure. not sure about anything these days.

my mind is racing and it has no end in sight. i must go on and get myself out of this gutter. it is hard to say the least. wiht miss j out of my life, i wonder if she came back, would she break my heart again in the future? i am going to have go on with out her. then i wonder if she came back would she leave me when i got sick? again i must go on with her. just like going on with out my wife. i miss zoe a lot these days. i need to go up north and see her plot. maybe that will help me close this dark chapter in my life. they say if you give love you get love back. if you give out peace and harmony you get peace and harmony. well what the fuck happened to me as of late then??????

well going to try to get back to sleep now. peace and love to all. vernon.

a sign that i am getting better. i am here at work watching paint dry and i am not crawling out of my skin. this time 2 months ago i would have been awashed in tears. here it is about 430pm and i have not cried today. god i miss my girl, miss j. but i know i must go on. peace and love to all. vernon.

another monday here at the office. took miss B to the airport today. nothing happened between us, which is good. she like a sister to me. we had a good time over the weekend and she dreaded going home. no offense to her kids, she just was not ready to give up the good times we had. we went to see dave together. if she did not come down, i would have ended up at dave by myself. no fun. i am tired of doing things on my own. miss j came by over the weekend as well. i think she was a little pissed at me for having company. like i am supposed to stop living until she comes back. i feel it that she will not be coming back any time. if ever. i am at work alone, of course. need to get back into the Y this week. i am hoping to go there today.

me and miss B had a real good time. dave was excellent. and his 2nd song was grey street. for zoe. i had that song played at her memorial service and so the concert was a fabulous after his 2nd song. i was very glad to hear that song in person. it was raining on us, but we were able to get a cheap poncho to keep the rain off of us. we had some real asswipes around us, thou. this 1 lady had the nerve to ask me if i could move over during the show. this was standing room only and it was in the lawn. i was like i don't think i am moving anywhere. lol. me and miss b still enjoyed ourselves. we laugh, we cried and laughed some more. it was real nice to have some company over the weekend. now i am back to reality. alone. but i am getting better with each day. i hope i am anyway. i pretty much knew that nothing would happen between me and miss b. i am still in love with miss j. but i am going to have to stop that some soon. and get on with life.

well that is about it from here.

i will be carrying on. my new name will be vernon. so this is vernon signing off. peace and love to all. reverend vernon.

well today is the day... i am off to see dave matthews band.  yipppeee.  i made it.  i am quite pysche about it.... then miss b gets in about noonish...should be a good weekend i am hoping.  something new for me to do before the summer is out.  since i started this summer about 2 months ago.  with the memorial day weekend.  that was the weekend miss j left me and it was not good. mentally at that time.  went to the beach during that weekend.  and of course everyone i saw had somebody with them.  families, boy/girlfriend groups.   it was hard, but i made it.  and now the summer is about over.  1 more month.  it will be nice to get it over with.  plus the heat.  but it does not really bother me.  when you are on the beach it seems there is a constant wind coming off the gulf.   it is nice.  as you can image...

things are looking up.  i can only go up. and i tell myself that i am stronger every day.   and i am still going to counseling.  so i am taking care of myself.  and still going to the gym.  yes....i notice the looks at the gym...mostly from the men wishing they had my arms.. lol.  not really but i like to think.  i am quite define as they would say.  whoever they are.   again i think that miss j did me a favor by leaving me.  yes i am still alone, but not so lonely.  if that makes sense. 

i have not gone to the support group for about 3 weeks now.  i will make a point to go this monday.  i promise. they always try to convert me there.  lol.  they expanded thier guidelines to include hetro men.  so that is kinda cool.  so i feel i have an obligation now to go.  i don't want them to think that is that with me.  and plus i hope they expanded thier guidelines, not just for me, but for future hetros men that may pass this way. 

well going to end here.  i made it to the big dave day.  thought about taking some zoe's ashes and releasing them if he plays "Grey Street".  one of the songs, that i played during her ceremony.  i am hoping i don't cry too much. 

well peace and love to all.  capt.

well it is another quiet sunday nite here.  i had some company over the weekend.  a friend from work.  it was nice to have some one else to talk to finally, but aint it weird by the time sunday came around i was ready for my own space again.  here i am whining about being alone then one gets company and then one wants to be alone.  what a mindfuck.  all again in this roller coaster of a mind.    what is a person to do?  then i am here alone sunday nite and i am hating it.  again.   who knows.  i am going to make it though.  i am toughter than this.  this too shall pass.  all of the clique.  i am a walking clique. 

well i do have dave to look forward to this week finally.  and miss b is flying in for that.  so i should have a good week and then on wednesday i have been invited a to meeting with the local hiv clinic about my volunteering.  i am hoping to get active locally.  also my doctor visit is this tuesday.  so this week will probably go by rather quickly.  

not much else to chat about.  will be signing off here.  peace and love to all. capt.

well this week again has been something to write home about.  i went to watch the sunset on wednesday night.  i put in Norah Jones in the headphones and walked the beach.  once again the sun actually sat behind some clouds..  boohoo.  but over all is nice.  i almost meditate there.  no one talks to ya because you do have the headphones on.  there was about 3 different productions going on.  on the beach that is.  one of these were some models in the surf.  thank you.   then on monday,  get this.  i had this snake crawl up my wheel well on the car.  it went into the back tire well.  it was raining and i thought well he wants to escape the rain.  so i went out there to grab it or look at it.  i only saw the tail and no head.  and even i know not to put your hand near a snake if you can not see the head of it.  so i went back into the shop and then thought, maybe if i start the car, the noise will scare him and he will slither away.  no such luck.  so about 40 minutes later, i went out thinking that maybe if i start it and move it, that will surely make him/her leave.  no such luck again.  but this time the car did not even start.  it did not even roll over.   the battery died in that short time.  or the snake took all of the juice from it.  not sure.  it was weird.  so i went and got another battery and all is well.  put it was weird that it started 1 time and not the other.  i would not have even seen the snake if it was not for some one in the shop at the time, and mentioned that i have something hanging off my car.  i was like no i do not.  and looked and it turned out to be the snake.  still not sure what happened to him/her.  i will be going down the road here shortly and then get bitten by snake.  i can see the headlines...Man bitten by snake in car...going down Hwy 64.  lol.  so now it is friday night and i actually had some guy come over from work and keep me company.  he actually grew up in zoe's neighborhood in the bronx.  no chit.  i was at work in march and was talking to him. i mentioned the bronx.  or i asked him where he was from.  i could tell he was from up north.  so he came by the house tonight.  my first actual visitor down here.  and then i also got my futon today, or a futon.  it is wood and the mattress is black.  in case things do not work out next week with miss B, she will have some place to sleep. 

but again i liked to think that i am getting stronger with each passing day.  with my sister gone this week, i am watching their house.  kinda.  so i have some storage items over there as well. a little bit here and there.  but i brought home a box with VCR tapes.  and 1 of them is zoe on the springer show.  i might watch it tonite or over the weekend.   i looked for it the other day.  but of course it was at shelly house. 

enough rambling for 1 sitting. 

well peace and love to all.  if i see that snake i will report.  capt. 

well here i am work.  thought i would share with everyone about zoe and when she went into the nursing home.   i have been through so much before and that i think that is helping me get through this rough period now.  it was in 1995 that zoe started losing her mind.  me and her doctor truly thought she was getting dementia.  but afterwards we felt that she just had a nervous breakdown.  it in the summer of 95 that she thought she was being followed and that some one was out to get her for the things she had done in her past.  it was in october of that year that me and her doctor decided that she needed 24 care.  and that the nursing home would be the best bet for her.  since i was working full time then.   so we called candice's father and he made it to town to pick up candice.  it was that week in october that i lost my wife to the nursing home and then had to lose my step daughter to her father.  they live out in seattle area.  so i do not see her often.   i look back on those days and it feels like a blur.   and i wonder how i got through that period.  it is still rough to think about those days.  i was on auto pilot and working full time.  that helped.  but it was a very dark time in my life.  kevin had just died 1 year before.  we lost about 3 other friends over the winter of 94-95 and i also seroconverted to being positive in sept of 94.  so it was these things that push zoe over the edge.  and then her psych doctor kept giving her trilafon and kept upping her dose of that shit.  she went into the home in october and then in january of 96 she started to get the side effect drug for trilafon.  the nurses in the home noticed that she was displaying effects from the trilafon.  so she got cogentin then.  and within 2 weeks or so, i was able to bring her home on the weekends.  you could really see a change in her, once she got the cogentin.   i remember taking her to the world AIDS day ceremony on Dec 1, 95 in a wheel chair.  some people from the community would come up to say hello to her, and they all had tears in their eyes.  zoe did not understand why.  and she did not know much of anything then.  it was tough to say the least.  i still have little memories of these days. i think i blocked them out of my mind.   so as the story goes she got the cogentin and slowly came back to life.  it was in may of 96 that she came home for good and was able to resume an active life.  she even got a job as a waitress later that year.  it was also then that she came to realize how much she missed candice.  and i think she never quite got over that loss.  candice stayed out in the seattle area with her father.  we saw candice maybe 3 times since '95.  zoe could not accept the fact that she was not well and that candice would not be coming back to live with us, ever.  well those days were dark, to say the least.  but i survived them and i will survive these days that i am going through now.  i am a strong individual and can only hope that these current dark days will also pass.   well that is the short end of the story.  i had these thoughts come to me last night and thought since i started this blog in 2003 that i would fill in some of the blanks about me and zoe to all.   that is just 1 of many times we had that were dark.  i know when zoe got out of the home she would go back to volunteer there.  the old ladies there would always tell her how good she look.  and i think she went there when she needed to be lifted up, emotionally.  i could not go back into that place with out tears.  i dreaded that place.  to go home alone, and not have zoe there or candice there.  it was bad.  but again i survived.  it is with those memories that help me get through today's crisis.  and i will prevail. 

peace and love to all. capt.

well another week is almost over. i think i am getting stronger with each passing day.  at least i would like to think so.  i can live alone and i am loveable.   i know these to be true facts.  it is just some times in the house i can get into thinking about losing zoe and then miss j.  i miss human contact and conversation.  i will start to pick up the phone more often when this happens.  i can do this.  i am not going to abandon this place down here for louisville.  i am strong individual and i can make it.  i told miss j early on in our relationship that if i lost her, i would survive.  i said i buried my wife and i survived that, so i can pretty much take on anything.  one would think.  i have some company coming into town next week and that is good.  i will enjoy her company.  also 1 week until dave, so that is good also.  i will pick myself out of the gutter and go on.  not sure if i am going back to louisville next week, after dave.  i was going up there to get some things out of storage, but i might have to put that trip off due to funds.  stay tuned. 

talk with a good friend last nite for over an hour.  it was good to talk with billy.  i miss him and some others in the HIV community.  i am going to reach out more now that i can.  most of the people i know would kill to be alone or have some time to be alone in this world.   not sure what is wrong with me about that.  i am a people person.  but i can go and go on i will.  also my waitress friend down here emailed me yesterday.  so that is good news also.  she is busy with her mother visiting in town so she has not had time to see me or have dinner or anything.  but i will continue to hope that things will get better.  peace and love to all. capt signing off, need to get to work.  c ya.

date less in seattle, but i am not in seattle.  well this too shall pass.  i am getting on with life.  feel alright today.  beleive it or not.  i worked out at the Y this a.m. with all the other senior citizens. getting used to seeing blue hair that early in the morning.  not much else is going on.  sitting at work and keeping busy.  got some packets together for contractors today and yesterday.  will be sending out 45 packets to drum up some business for us.  hope that some come through.  would be nice to get a bonus or so for them. 

well julie is still not gone all the way.  she has about 3 items or so in the house. i have asked her if she would like me to help her out.  but she still says no.   she is stubborn.  i am holding out hope for her and me.  but the chance of her ocming back into my life are slim to nil...

life does go on.  i need to go on with something.   this blog helps clear my head.  i do have some one coming down from louisville next week.  not sure what she would like from me though.  she thinks i need to be alone more before starting something or so.  who knows.  i have been alone all this summer and not sure if time will heal this wound or not.  some say that you should remain alone for up to 2 years after losing a spouse.  boo hoo.  all grief is not the same.  it is like a finger print.  it is up to the individual and i think i am ready for some one, or something.   i am a nice guy and will find some one some day.  i am outgoing and fun to be around, or at least i used to be.  i will be again.  living in apartment that bums me out, don't get better when the lights go out.  that is a line from Eve6 song.  been loving that CD.  got another dave mathews CD last nite.  this one has a DVD in it.. and it has 2 other CDs that are live shows.  i am so looking forward to that show next week.  i am sure i will have zoe on my mind.  we both loved dave.  and i still do.  i sent dave a note asking if he would play grey street for me.  we will see.  then on the DVD it is the first song on it and dave dedicates it to a close friend.  hope he dedicates it to me.  lol.  that would be way cool.  we will see.

well enough rambling on for me today.  i will be on here again soon.  keep those prayers coming and keep your fingers crossed for me that some thing will come my way soon.  peace and love to all. capt.

 

monday afternoon at work.  it has been raining now for like 3 days here.  i am kinda bored and slowly going crazy.  this week michelle and ames are gone and i am more alone than ever.  i now know no body in this town.  i go home alone and i do not talk to anybody unless i call them.  i am hoping to go to the support group here tonite.  they hold it every monday although i have missed the last couple of weeks.  i will push myself to go.  damn it sucks down here.  i do not see it getting any better, but not sure if i would be happier anywhere.  i am stuck in a moment.  as usual. 
 
i did want to share a few stories about zoe that came to my mind as of late.  these should have been part of her eulogy.  but here they are.  there was this time in jan. 03 when we went to red lobster.  zoe loved her crab, and shrimp and lobster.  it would easily take her like 2 hours for these meals.  well in the time in jan 03 they were having their unlimited shrimp fest.  and the waitress kept asking zoe if she wanted more.  so zoe would always say yes.  i almost was going to ask the waitress to stop asking her.  anyway when she gaves us our bill she pointed out that she brought out 11 trays of shrimp.  with each tray holding 10 shrimp.  zoe could eat.  so zoe had consumed 110 shrimp in the that sitting.  that always brings a smile to me when i think of that time.  lol
 
 
 
so then there was this time when she went to get counting crows tickets for us.  she was in line and the teller told her that there were no more tickets.  zoe threw a fit. and pretended that she just got done driving in from shelbyville to louisville.  and she proceeded to throw a fit.  i was not with her at this time.   so she gets home and tells me this story and it turned out that the teller looked at sales and saw that there was at least 1 canceled credit card reciept.  where some one bought them over the phone but the card rejected it.  so zoe was able to get those seats.  so then the day of the show comes and we go, and as we are leaving we see a friend of mine from school.  we are shooting the breeze with him as we go to the car.  he then mentions how he got great seats and when he was down there getting seats, this lady went off.  and that lady needed her seats right then.  and he said it was quite dramatic.  well it turns out, zoe was that lady.  lol..  more funnies that will be included in her book 1 day. 
 
peace and love to all. capt. signing off.

well hello from florida.  was kinda bad today.  was overcast all day.  which has not happened in some time. i laid in bed all day.  on my pity pot.  going out tonite to shoot some pool.  get back into the bar scene or so.  i found this place last weekend.  or was told about it.  hoping i can get into some games down there.  and win them, of course.  my sis left for thier criuse today.  so this week i do not know any body down here in bradenton.  i am house sitting and i thought it would be nice to have some company.  who knows.  my neice might come down for a day or so.  i still have to run the office this week.  and then on thursday the boss man told me that he would prefer that some one else run his sale leads this week.  bummer.  i will hopefully get into the sale position when the season hits, in september or so.  that would be nice.  some real money to be made.  other than that, not sure.  i miss zoe again today.  i am going up north or need to before too long.  i feel the need to see her tombstone.  and now that it is there.  i would like to have some flowers delivered to her.   well i am hoping to have this guy tow my stuff down here this next month.  but it does not look good.  he got back in town this week and i have not heard from him.  i am having a friend fly into town for the DMB show.  dave mathews band for those not in the know.  i made this year the year i would see him.  actually made it my new year's resolution.  so this is a first time in a long time that my new year's resolution is going to be done. 
 
well gtg.  hope all is well out there.  peace and love to all. capt. 

ALL I WANT IS FOR MY FIRST SALE....!!!!!!!!!! UGH....!!!!!

ALL I WANT IS MY FIRST SALE....UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

today is today. right. i wish i could remember that. i am having some what of a bad day. kinda blueish. miss j is about done and out of the house. i think that takes away some of the hope i still had for that. i do and will miss her, deeply. she will be gone by this sunday, i think she told me. then with maxwell going to the neighbors, there will be no reason to see her. i will miss her. but i know life goes on. i am a great frickin guy and i will do better in the future.. if i could only beleive that most of the time. i would be ok. but just not today. well enuff said about today. i am going to get out of this gutter one day. do it like AA peeps do, 1 day at a time. Luv it. peace and love to all. capt.

well another week has begun. not too bad of a day today. i went out to big lots to get some things for the house. now that miss j is gone, she took most of the stuff, since it was most of her stuff anyway. so i got some flatware, a new coffee pot and other stuff that the house needed. i get to decorate all by myself. what a concept. i get to pick out items that i like and only me. kind of liberating in a way. so i am not doing too bad. i get my moments. i am still working on my grief work and have set up a time to grieve during the day. if you set out some time to grieve, it will help with the sudden attacks during the day. and this seems to be working so far.

buried some of zoe on sanibel this weekend. another goodbye ceremony. this time i had 2 friends that knew her, and i thought it would be good for them to say goodbye as well. they are at the service up north, but you never can get to say too many goodbyes. so zoe will always be on sanibel. then tonite i read her website. i have not done that is some time. here is her link in case you would like to pay her a visit.
www.angelfire.com/ky/zoezone.

her site took her like 3 full days in front of the PC. but she was so proud of it. i did not give her much input, only when she asked about how to do something, i would show her how and then she was off. the site was even mentioned one time in POZ magazine. like i said she was real proud of it.

well enough from me. now miss j is mostly gone from the house. i have been keeping busy and i am also keeping my chin up. peace and love to all. capt.

well i made it through another week. this weekend i am going to sanibel. was going to stay with friends, but no room at the inn. so i booked my own room. going to put some more of Zoe's ashes on the island. she loved shells and she loved sanibel. so my big sister had some of her ashes left from what she and her daughter did. so last night i asked her about them. and sure enough she had some left. so i will bury some with the shells down there. will be nice. some more grief work. closing type of ceremony.

as for other aspects of life. what can i say. miss j is actually moving her stuff out this weekend. i may not be here for that. she is having a friend of her's help her. so i do not have to move her stuff anymore. i still miss her, but i am dealing with life. it was too soon to get involved with anybody after zoe. some people mentioned this, but i was too stubborn to listen. i do and did feel that maybe zoe sent her to me to help me with my loneliness. it has been kinda heavy at the house. but i am strong person and i know that. i am also loveable and one of helluva guy. so miss j is missing out on that for her life. i do not expect to ever have her back. she told me today that we can not even be friends now. what a crock. well her loss.

i am going with life. almost to the point where i enjoy life again. there will be another size 2 woman for me, some where. but i need to be alone for a little bit. deal with my grief for zoe. i have now read 2 books about grief and they have been helpful. they offered little rituals that you can do to help to get the grief out of your system. if you do not deal with it, it can make you go crazy. which this i have witness in myself.

well peace and love to all. capt.

well it has been about a week since i was last on here. so i will update everyone about life down here. i went to miami last weekend. had a great time. actually met a little latino woman. that is all there is miami. lol. then we went to a drum circle. every full moon there is a drumming circle. almost like a pagan ritual. where about 8 guys play the bongos and all the other hippies just jump about. there was at least 200 people on the beach at midnight. something i may never experience again. then i strutted my stuff on south beach during the day on saturday. wore a tank top and blended in with the other beautiful people. lol. then me and tracie had dinner on southbeach that nite. it was a good trip all and all. i got home sunday to miss j telling me that she is looking for her own place. so things between us are definetly off. and they will probably never be there again. so i have made peace with that. not really but i am going on. she dropped by tonite to get some things, and she looked frickin hot as hell. as usual. i still miss her and would take her back in a heartbeat. but it aint happening, so i am going onward and upward. then this weekend i am off to sanibel island. another wonderful place down here. i have some friends visiting down here this week and they told me to come on down for nite or 2. i plan on getting wild. look out world.

then today i got me and my sis 2 tickets to see norah jones down here in november. so i guess i am staying down here until then. i will probably stay down here. not in the mood to go back up north. tried to get my license plate today, but i need to have the car over 6 months or else go through hell to get a bill of sales. and that is just a lot of hassle. so anyway. i will keep my money for tags for another month.

i am off. peace and love to all. capt.

well it has been about a week since i was last on here. so i will update everyone about life down here. i went to miami last weekend. had a great time. actually met a little latino woman. that is all there is miami. lol. then we went to a drum circle. every full moon there is a drumming circle. almost like a pagan ritual. where about 8 guys play the bongos and all the other hippies just jump about. there was at least 200 people on the beach at midnight. something i may never experience again. then i strutted my stuff on south beach during the day on saturday. wore a tank top and blended in with the other beautiful people. lol. then me and tracie had dinner on southbeach that nite. it was a good trip all and all. i got home sunday to miss j telling me that she is looking for her own place. so things between us are definetly off. and they will probably never be there again. so i have made peace with that. not really but i am going on. she dropped by tonite to get some things, and she looked frickin hot as hell. as usual. i still miss her and would take her back in a heartbeat. but it aint happening, so i am going onward and upward. then this weekend i am off to sanibel island. another wonderful place down here. i have some friends visiting down here this week and they told me to come on down for nite or 2. i plan on getting wild. look out world.

then today i got me and my sis 2 tickets to see norah jones down here in november. so i guess i am staying down here until then. i will probably stay down here. not in the mood to go back up north. tried to get my license plate today, but i need to have the car over 6 months or else go through hell to get a bill of sales. and that is just a lot of hassle. so anyway. i will keep my money for tags for another month.

i am off. peace and love to all. capt.

see if am making progress. well i see that i need to be alone for some time now. miss j did me a favor by leaving. she is working on herself and i need to work on myself. i have been with some one for the last 12 years and need to be on my own for some time now to make things right. i am so codependent. i see that now. it may not be easy, but i need to be by myself for a little while. we rush things, a tad bit. while i was with her, i did not completely grieve for zoe, and i need to do that. i need to finish that process and then go on with life. yes i did grieve her while we were together, since zoe has been dying for some now. but now that she is actually gone, i need to finish grieving her. then i can make some one else happy. and i will be a lot happier as well. this may not be easy, no one said it would be. but at least, for tonite, at least i can see that. i was wrong to get involved with miss j. as much as i hate to admit it, that i was wrong. but it is truly the right thing. i am a complete person with her or without her. i can make myself happy. and i need to do that for now. i hope this feeling does not leave me in the morning. i am hoping to hang onto this for some time now. so if it was meant to be with miss j and myself, it will happen. i don't need to rush things. i need to finish mourning for my wife. i have been with her for the last 12 years so this might take some time. with miss j in my life, i was postponing my grief. which no one likes to grieve for anybody. but i need to finish tha process before i can be with some one. keep your fingers crossed and say your prayers for me.

as for other news, well i am off to miami this weekend. i have a old friend down there that is moving back to louisville. so i need to see her before she leaves this state for good. i am hoping to enjoy myself down there. get back to having fun in life. i know zoe would want me to enjoy life again. so i am going to do that. looking forward to the road trip. go back through aligator alley. which i have not been down there since 1991 or so. well gtg for now. peace and love to all. capt.

well i have been told that this blog is too depressing. the blog police sent me a note. lol. not really but hey it is my life and my life has been depressing lately. but i am going to make this entry a little more exciting. yes miss j is gone. she told me last nite pretty much that she would not be coming back home, if ever. so it is her loss. she is a very nice girl, but i am a very nice guy. and i need to move on. as hard as this is to actually do. we will see. i miss her terribly, but i miss my wife terribly as well. and i can not make either one of them come back. so i need to pick myself up off the ground and move on. maybe it is better now than further down the road when i would have more time invested with miss j. at least now i can get out of this still. she is not right upstairs. she has more issues than me. if you can beleive that. i will be alright. women leave men all the time in this world. what is 1 more heart break? nothing. in 100 years no one will even know i was here. also watching the 20/20 show about marriages gone bad. and this lady was left at the alter. that could have been me. ugh. i am feeling some what better already. and i even have a lunch date tomorrow. with this lady who is positive along with Hep c. image that. i met her over dinner the nite before father's day. it was fate that brought us together. so my sister says. so keep your fingers crossed and say a little prayer for me. she is miss V. with a capital V. lol. going to go for now. going to try to get some rest tonite, if i can. love and peace to all. capt.

well it is finally over between me and miss j. there is no more hope left that she is coming back to me. she came by tonight to tell me she is moving in with her sponsor from the program and she is now staying with some guy and his dog. she claims that she would go backwards in her recovery if she came back to me. like she can see into the future. this is all bullshit. i should have known. well that is all i can say for tonite. my head is not right tonight as you can image. i am not that bad off, since she has been gone now for a month. it is still no good. i will pick up the pieces and go on. peace and love to all. capt.

here on saturday morning. and i am not doing too well today. waking up with heart pounding, fast. like it wants to jump out of my chest. i have been trying to meditate when this happens. it slows down some what. but not too much. miss j did not come back yesterday. not sure what she is up to these days. all i know is i miss her dearly. but life does go on. i am going to make it through another day. going to gym today and then to the beach. i am hoping 1 day life down here will get easier. not sure when though. the loneliness hangs in the air in the house with no one else here. it sux. feels like i have lost 2 loves of my life lately. with zoe and now miss j. i have faith that life with get better. but not soon enough. i have been renting some movies as of late. but they all seem to have some one in them that is named zoe. so i usually end up turning those off, or they turn out to be hidden love stories. those too are usually turned off. again, my heart starts pounding out of my chest. not much else to report on. peace and love, capt.

wuz reading the blog site yesterday about turning your blog into a book. that would be way cool. a nurse at the doctors this week told me i should write a book about dealing with a life threatening illness. i would like that. do the talk show circuit. lol.

missing zoe today as well. spoke with candice tonite. she sounds so grown up. she will be in the 10th grade this year. she has even taken the drivers ed class and passed it. she also told me that she is grounded for about a week. she was at some one's house for a sleep over and they snuck out. and she was caught. i thought that that sounded so much like her mother. but i did not say anything, except that she needs to keep her nose clean. i asked her about college and she told me that she wants to be marine biologist. i liked that. that was 1 of the first things i remember wanting to be when i was young, all those years ago.

i also spoke with zoe's bestfriend in lousyville tonite. she kinda confirm to me that what i did for zoe was the right thing. she spoke with zoe about dieing and how zoe and her did not like the idea of being left alive to suffer. zoe did not like to discuss death that much. she was in denial. as we all will be 1 day or so. patty told me that i did the right thing. and that her and zoe discussed it. and patty mentioned to me that she told zoe about her friend who lost her husband. and her friend said that when she goes outside, she looks up and smiles and knows her husband is up there looking down on her. this comforted zoe. so patty told me i need to do that for zoe. let zoe know that i am happy down here and that zoe is up there waiting for me. and she will be waiting for some time to come. i hope now. since my little incident in may. i am here for a reason now. i am calling may 22 my 2nd birthday.

well i am off to try to sleep. peace and love to all. capt.