gave blood yesterday and will have results posted here next friday, week from this friday see ya then. capt.

well happy new year to all who may read today's installment. going to be short. wanted to check in and let you all know i made it through the holidays. tonite being the biggest, to me. not much for the commercialization xmas has become. should be about love, love, love. maybe i am asking too much. hope mikey can get some love, love, love soon. lol. well capt signing off. p/l

well and then i think i will just stay home this new year eve. wuz hoping to be with miss B. but have not clarified that or not. i got a bottle of jaigermiester.. it is chillin in the freeze as i type. so it will be ripe in 3 days. lol. well capt checkin out for the nite. the house is lonely as shit. so is my life. it sucks. i hope this too shall pass. who knows. fuck it all. peace and love, capt.

had friends over 2 nite. was nice to be social again. went to a party last nite.. wuz the only straight male there. so that was a thriller. got some free drinks and free shrimp and left. lol. it is the holidays now...

today not much happened. bengals lost...lost thier chance for post season as well. oohwell.. life is still kinda lonely. i need a new book to read. codependent no more. might work for me. will order it on the library web site. still not sure about south. still not sure about life. still have not seen miss B. since i have been back. been about 2 days now. and did not see her much before i left. who knows about that.

what else did i think of...oh and how women in this world only like you if you have money. i think this society pushes that. and it sucks. for sure. i am really pissed at the world rite now. and just sick of life rite now. hope this too shall pass. will check back maybe when i am in a better mood. capt signing off. peace and love.

so i thought about life here and life there. and it would be lonely down there. and i would have to work my dick off...but the money would be good. but i hate to sell out for that. but it looks better than being poor and maybe ladies like miss B would be more attractive to me. i am a person with no money and a disease. not a very good prospect for a life partner. so screw this city and im outta here. probably.

just got back from trip down south to see fam. in tampa. where to begin at. well first starters i think i will probably be moving down there. it turns out that the little lady i was pursuing here in town, found out how poor i really am...and she does not want anything to do with me. i feel. she did not return calls on christmas...not that that matters...lol. still wont take my calls. well may be better off any way. did nothing but think on the road trip. had not much else to do. not much conversation with 1 person. just traveling with my CD's and we made the trip in about 13 hours. with a lay over in georgia somewhere. paid for a 8 hour nap. hit the road this a.m. at 4. so i was home early in the day.

life sucks and it's aftermath does too.

well today i am in florida, alone. yes family is here. but i still feel alone. still think they would like to have me down full time. just don't feel right. and coming down here drove down alone. and was really alone at the hotel room. well another reason i am down. is this special girl in town would prefer to remain goodfriends instead of getting more serious. she is going through a divorce and maybe we could be more after her divorce, but i don't feel that she likes me that way. i am care deeply for her and could give her love like she never has before. but i am a poor person and do not think any women would like to date or even see some one that is poor like me. i am crazy for her and know i could give her love like she never had before. she has 1 husband that beat her. that is just as bad a child abuse in my eyes. no man should ever hit a woman. period. well tonite i am feeling more and more alone in this world. i will have to trudge on. peace and love, capt signing off.

capt here checking in. i am feelin the zoester today. she will be missed many days. i don't think i was on here much the week she died. she went peacefully in her sleep. and then the day after her service there was an aurora seen in the skies this far south. in ky. there was even a picture of it from florida. it was on the astronomy website today. it was submitted from FL. kinda cool. so i wanted to make sure i had this in my log. i know the whole USA or more saw the aurora, but it was like Zoe telling me she would be ok and that i will be ok. you see from my blog address, i am a big space fan. space cadet. so the aurora being seen that close to her death. i can only see it as a sign from her. well that was it for now. peace and love to all. capt.

not much else is happening here. i am slowly going through my house and clearing it up. what a hassle. still not sure about the future. i am almost back to going to florida now. last week it was to stay home in louisville and go on. may be get my MLS but today and some more this week, i am like f@@@@@ this place. i am outta here. and go work and be a laborer for awhile. i do not have much to offer the opposite sex...as any way of income... so i am not sure what i need to do, or what i will even do. well journey on. capt signing off.

pick myself off of the floor and go on.

at the moment i am ok. just ok. i am eating and having dinner at the table. that was 1 of the hardest things to do. you see my wife came back from so much before. she truly over came a lot in life to get this far. it is just the fact that she did not make it this time...hard to deal with. some of the people that i called that day were shocked...that it actually happened this time. and she will not be coming home from the hospital any more. and i will not get any more midnight runs for chinese. no midnight ice runs...no midnight white castle runs...what will i do.???

going down next week for some fun in the sun. hope to god it is warmer this time. last month, it was a bit chilly some. too much so. my fam in florida likes the cold for the holidays. screw that. i did not go down there to have it snow on me. i will have to pack a jacket at least this time. going to be house sitting for 1 sis and visiting with the other. i guess it will be nice to get away for the christmas holiday. i feel some what like i am running away from something here. i need to deal with that. and it will hit me next month at home.

i have my moments. my bro in law lost his mother today. so it kinda opens my wound a little bit more. i will survive. all i know is that i miss my wife. as you can image. the house is still so quiet. will take some time to get used to it.

each day gets easier and at the same time it gets harder.

well enough rambling for 1 day. peace and love to all. capt.

this is a major step in my life and i would not to rush into things. or anythings for that matter. that is about the only thing i am sure of...weather sucks here. that is for sure. east seattle. we never see the sun in the winter time. it bites. i am off to dinner with my old boss. get me out of the house... at least. went by the cemetary and saw the gang last week. was not too bad. as bad as i thought. you know it is true nothing is ever as bad as it seems. at least not for me. i am big worrier. big time. big time. runs in the fam. genes i thinik.

well i am back. for a little bit today. i am kinda at a lost...as you can image. i am not sure what to do with my life now. i will def keep you posted. i am missing my wife now. it was kind a sad day. not much to do...phone rings way too infrequent... way too frequent. i would not be missed here, i feel. and not missed down south yet, becuase they always miss me. would be nice to be around my nieces and nephew in florida...but there is so much here for me. i think i should do what i can on my own. never used to doing the "group" think way. i hate to be told what to do...unless i am working of course.

well enough from here for now. if i get depressed, and i am sure i will when this chick tells me she can not get involved with me due to me going to florida. well there will be others...i hope. thinking of changin my email name to CAPTBIOHAZ, or CAPTLATEX.... see ya, p/l miquel.

so family wants me down there right away. then this hot ass chick wants me up here...what to do...what to do... i will keep you all posted...if anybody is reading this.

well then my bro in law offers me this sweet ass position with his company down in florida. would be tough work, but would be just the ticket i need to get my ass back in the swing of things. and into work as well. i am leaning towards taking it. but then this girl from my past, did not date her. but she calls me 1 day before the funeral. and i was like DAMN. and we had dinner last nite together. i am on top of the world right now. will it hit me 1 day...who knows. i am right now, this instant so happy, that i am not sure how to cope with it. have not been this happy in years, and years.

zoe now has been gone about 3 weeks, and i have not had time to mourn her yet. that is why i think it will hit me sooner, or later. the holidays coming up will be no fun. i am at a loss for words. the paper here wrote up a little tribute yesterday for her. since i was doing an WORLD AIDS day speech, they mentioned that, and then about her passing. they are nice folks. i wonder if the locals are tired of hearing about me. naw.

well i am back. from where i do not know. yes i do, i wuz in florida with family for turkey day. first time in like 20 years or so, that my sisters and i were together. it was a nice day all around. all nieces and nephew and the rest of the family.

well i am doing alright so far. waiting for it to hit me, still.